Welcome to the town.
Its main attraction is a huge rocket covered in moss.
This is Cloud. He's not only our main character and the hero of the game. He's also dangerously stupid.
Hey!
Well, what the fuck do you think they built the rocket for?
Rocketeering?
Just shut up and enter the bar.
I love stories!
Alright, tell your story!
That's all?!
Cool story, bro.
Stand back, Tifa! I'm going to kill this idiot storyteller!
No, you're not.
Alright, maybe not.
Let's see what the other guy has to say.
Who's the Captain?
Now that's a story!
Whatever. Did you see a tall, goth'd up, samurai lookin' dude in a black cape?
Bummer.
So far this town is quite boring. What do you say, citizen?
Fear not, bored citizen! Cloud and his merry friends have come to shit this town up!
How fantastic.
Shut up, horse. Let's enter that house.
I wonder who lives here...
Whoever it is, I'm sure he is capable of impregnating women with his mind.
Or a really huge spear.
Goddamn, Tifa...
Let's explore!
It's a totally awesome miniature flying aeroplane ship!
You fucking thief.
Whore!
I didn't say we should steal it, I just...
WHORE!!
Uh, hello.
She's stealing your flying machine!
What?
Alright, planet saving dude and dudettes! Go find the Captain!
Not so fast, narrator horse! Who are you people anyway? Why are you running in and out of houses and stealing shit?
I'm Aeris.
I'm Tifa.
I'm Cloud. We're on a quest to save the world so it's okay for us to steal shit.
Right. Well, my name is Shera. I'm the...
THE SUPERHOT BABE FROM HE-MAN AND THE MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE?! THE PRINCESS OF POWER?! THIS IS SO AWESOME! OMG! YOU WERE THE FIRST JERK OFF FANTASY I EVER HA...
Uh, no, that's my twin sister...
...
...
..oh.
I'm the Maid (and Occasional Lab Assistant) of Power!
Okay. Not interested.
We have almost the same measurements though. Well, give or take a few fantasies.
Not interested.
I have some of my sister's old clothes.
Any lingerie?
No.
Any panties?
Panties are lingerie.
Right.
Why does everyone think we're with Shinra?
RUFUS?!
RUFUS?!
HANDJOB CHAMPION OF MIDGAR?!
:D
Well, that was a "joke" I never thought would return.
Blame it on Rufus.
Whatever, you strange children of stupidity. Go find the Captain.
Having met the Captain's assistant, Cloud and his merry friends set out to find the Captivating Captain, the most Captaineous Captain in a long line of Captains. The Captain that truly is THE CAPTAIN.
Not that one, though. Unfortunately.
They found the Captain of Final Fantasy VII inside the rocket.
Excuse me?
Yeah?
Are you the Captain?
Hah!
Need something?
Hmm...
Let's ask him if it's okay if we take the airplane.
Hmm... Let's save state before we try this.
Pussy. [F1]
Can you give us the little airplane you got in the backyard?
We're on a quest to save the world!
Hmm... Let me think about it for a little while... Hm...
Yes?
Alright, I've been giving it some thought and...
FACT: Cid Highwind - the greatest Final Fantasy character ever.
NOW GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!!
Fuck! Load state! LOAD STATE!
Pussy. [F3]
Alright, let's try this again.
Try what again?
What can you tell me about this rocket, Cid?
This rocket? You want to know about my rocket?!
...Yes.
(Better be ready with that load state button just in case, Tifa.)
(Pussy.)
You know Shinra developed a lot of technological gadgets during the meaningless war, right? Now it's a Mako company, but in the old days it was a weapons manufacturer. Well, they came up with a Rocket Engine. There was so much experiment about the thought of going into outer space. Our dreams got bigger and bigger. They put a major budget into it and made prototype after prototype! Finally, they completed Shinra No. 26. And they chose the best pilot in Shinra, the best damn pilot in the world! Me! And finally we get to the day of the launch. Everything was goin' well...
But?
And so, Shinra mixed their outer space exploration plans. After they told me how the future was Space Exploration and got my damn hopes up... DAMN THEM! Then, it was all over once they found out Mako energy was profitable. They didn't even so much as look at space exploration!
Look at this rocket. I was supposed to be the first man in space with this! But shit... everyday it tilts a little bit more. At this rate, I don't know which will come first; this thing falling down or me gettin' outta here. My last hope is to talk to President Rufus. He's a young man, surely he has dreams of his own.
Well, good luck with that.
And so Cloud and his merry friends went back to the Captain's house.
What?
Did Cid say anything?
Nope.
Oh.
SUDDENLY!
I...I'm sorry.
Really, don't mind us.
Shut up! Sit your ass down in that chair and drink you goddamn TEA!
Uh... okay.
DAMN, I'm pissed! Shera! I'll be in the backyard tunin' up Tiny Bronco! And make sure to serve them some tea! All right!?
I fucking love Cid.
He's a goddamn asshole!
He sure is, Aeris. He sure is. *sigh*
It's because I fucked up.
What happened?
Well...
Let's go back in time...
Even the moon'd get tired of waitin' around for your ass!
I'm... I'm sorry.
Don't take so much time checkin' that #*$#*&' oxygen tank! Shera, bein' careful's good, but it won't do any good, no matter how many times you check that oxygen tank. That thing wouldn't break even if hell froze over.
But...
I will only accept asses, Shera! You're not stupid, so be more efficient!
I'm sorry......
Fuck yeah, I'm going to the moon!
BUT SUDDENLY!
WHAT THE FUCK?!
It's Shera, Captain. Don't mind me, go ahead with the launch.
Shera!? What are you still doin' in there!?
I was still concerned. The results of the oxygen tank test weren't satisfactory.
You stupid little #$&*#! It's gonna get so hot in there that there ain't gonna be SHIT left when we blast off! You're gonna be burnt to a crisp! You're gonna die! You know that, doncha!?
I don't mind. If I can just fix this, the launch will be a success. I'm almost done.
Almost done!? You're gonna die!
Cid Highwind, the best damn pilot in the world, was suddenly forced to choose: save the life of his assistant or travel into space with a possibly broken rocket and the incinerated corpse of his assistant.
He made his choice.
Shit!
SHIT!
SHIT!!!!!!!!
Whew! That was close... Hey, what's that... oh fuck...
OH NO NO NO!!
PLEASE DON'T FALL PLEASE DON'T FALL PLEASE DON'T FALL PLEASE DON'T FALL!!
Today...
Shit, why didn't you fall, you stupid fucking rocket!?
That's why it's alright. I don't care what he says to me. I'll live my life for him.
Sounds like a fair deal.
...Oh, I hear him coming.
Sorry!
But before our heroes can answer the heroic asshole...
It's Palmer!
Well, if it ain't fat man Palmer. How long were you figurin' on keepin' me waitin'!? So? When's the Space Program gonna start up again?
Hey-hey! I don't know. The President's outside, why don't you ask him?
What'd you come here for?
I want to borrow the Tiny Bronco. We're going after Sephiroth, but it seems like we've been going in the wrong direction. But now, we think we know where he's headed. But, we have to cross the ocean. That's why we want your plane...
POINTLESS QUESTIONING: Apart from all the fucking buts in that terrible dialog, does this shit make any fucking sense to anyone? Seriously? They're the fucking Shinra! You'd think they would have access to something way better than Cid's shitty plane.
$*#&! First the Airship, then the Rocket, and now, the Tiny Bronco. Shinra took outer space away from me and now you want to take the sky away from me too!?
Oh my... You seem to forget it was because of Shinra, Inc. that you were able to fly in the first place.
What!?
That fat fuck? Stealing the plane? Ahahahaha!!
We have to stop him!
Ahahahaha!! Yeah, whatever! Ahahahaha!!
Quickly, Cloud!
Ahahahahaha!!
Alright, time for a joke boss fight.
This is Fat Fucking Palmer. His attacks consists of hitting his own ass with a seductive slap (which btw uses some MP) and firing a gun. Chances are you'll kick his ass before he even has a chance at firing it, or even slapping his ass. He slapped his ass when I scanned him for the picture. Lucky me.
When you beat him, the Bronco suddenly starts moving!
Unfortunately, Palmer notices!
And ducks out of the way!
Whew! Close one, eh, Palmer?
You fat fuck! Come here!
Palmer!!
Oh my, this doesn't look good...
Ow! Poor Fat Fucking Palmer! Well, he'll be back again, don't you worry. And now we can take the Bronco instead.
CLOUD!
WHAT?
WHAT ABOUT CID?
WHO?
CID!
I DUNNO!
FACT: Cid Highwind - Master of Rhymes
FACT: Okay! I want EVERYONE, EVERYWHERE, to start using that sentence IRL. Because honestly, have you ever heard anything so awesome before?
FACT: No, you fucking haven't.
Well shit, thanks for wrecking my plane.
Yeah, instead of, y'know, buying an actual boat or something.
Well, I thought it was a good idea...
So anyway, what are you going to do now, Cid?
Dunno. I'm history with the Shinra and I've given up on the town.
How about your wife? Shera?
Wife? Don't make me laugh! Just thinkin' 'bout marryin' her gives me the chills. What're you guys gonna do?
We're going after a man named Sephiroth. We'll have to get Rufus of the Shinra someday, too.
Uh huh. You need someone to watch your asses then?
We're quite proficient at watching our own asses.
Heh, too bad. I'd watch yours in a flash.
Well then, follow my ass.
Hehehe...
Maybe I can show you my... spear some time.
Oh, I hope so.
Whoa, whoa, WHOA!! Wait a goddamn minute now!
FACT: Cid Highwind - International Man of Awesome
... shit.
TO BE CONTINUED!
IN THE NEXT EPISODE OF LET'S PLAY FINAL FANTASY 7!
IT'S THE
TEMPLE OF THE ANCIENTS! ONLY ON LET'S PLAY FINAL FANTASY 7!