JIM: Hey, there, sports fans! You’re listening to Jim Johnson and Bob Bifford!
BOB: Yeah – you know, those two guys who would be quite amusing if they didn’t have the same five soundbytes repeated over and over by the Blood Bowl game. Meaning you almost certainly have the sound turned off right now.
JIM: Anyway, we’ve got a great game ahead of you today. In one corner, writer of the least popular LP on the Codex, contributor to threads nobody gave a flying fuck about, it’s that guy you never heard of – G-R-R-R-OTSNIK!
BOB: Too true, Jim. And facing him is Exmit, whose avatar looks like an evil grey mushroom terrorist. P. cool guy.
JIM: No love lost between these two, Bob. Last time they played, Exmit’s Drunken Dex Dorfs crushed Grotsnik’s reptilian aristocrats 3-0, no less.
BOB: Ha! What a useless faggot!
JIM: Anyway, it’s kick-off – and, oh, dear, that’s pouring rain. Doesn’t look good for the lizards, who receive.
BOB: Don’t look too soon, Jim – a skink has picked up the ball and successfully caged behind the Sauruses on the half-way line! Even better, the Sauruses have pushed the Dorfs entirely out of contact.
JIM: A Troll Slayer’s stepped up to take on the corner of the cage, and – oh, that’s a re-roll gone and he’s toppled onto the ground like the stupid ginger cunt he is.
BOB: The lizards press quickly onwards, exploiting the gap, barging into the Dorf half and setting up a cage there. The Dorfs try to get back in time but-
JIM: THAT’S A TOUCHDOWN! TOUCHDOWN TO THE REPTILIAN NEW WORLD ORDER!
BOB: Looks like Grotsnik didn’t trust his players to stall effectively against the Dorfs. Well, let’s see if that’ll cost them.
JIM: Looks like they just got a helping hand, Bob! The kick-off result was ‘Riot’, moving the game on an extra turn. So it’s turn 4 and the Dorfs have only one re-roll left. Bet that’ll cost them…oh no, they just rolled a 5 and a 6. And another 5 and a 6…and another…looks like they’re lucky over-skilled badger-rapists.
BOB: Careful, Jim – Grotsnik’s obvious bitterness is coming through there.
JIM: Anyway, the dwarves are caging their way down the left wing, bashing out at everything in their path. Grotsnik’s players get up, they get knocked down again. They’re getting dangerously close to the lizard endzone…
BOB: What a coup! The lizards have literally blocked off the dwarven runner with the bodies of his teammates! Not only that, but on a -2d roll, a skink managed to push him back one precious square. Just one turn left before half-time. Surely there’s no way…
JIM: …So the dwarves are DODGING their way through the lizards here. DODGING. Jesus Christ, surely he can’t possibly-
BOB: Ha! No! The runner fails his GFI and falls over. Phew!
HALF-TIME.
JIM: Well, the Reptilians are up 1-0, but there’s a mighty 8 turns of defence awaiting them. 8 turns of defence against cunting blocking tackling dwarves I hate them so much…
BOB: And, as expected, they’re bashing their way merrily through the Sauruses, first testing their weight left, then heading right, K.O.ing two sauruses en route, and – oh, what happened there? The dwarf runner is completely exposed on the right wing!
JIM: A saurus takes him out – oh, but the ball’s bounced into contact with another dwarf…
BOB: Don’t despair, Jim. Through ingenious positioning, Grotsnik’s managed to get three skinks around to 2d that Blocker, knocking him out of the way. The ball is clear! The ball is clear, and there’s a skink right next to it with all his movement left, ready to…
JIM: Oh. He failed the 3+ pick-up. And then the re-roll.
BOB:…the Dwarves surround the ball. A skink gets injured.
JIM: The Reptilians keep fighting. Another injury and they’re down to 7 men on the field. The Dwarven runner gets to the endzone on turn 16.
Match ends 1-1!
GROTSNIK: NO! NO! FUCK YOU YOU LITTLE BEARDED COCKGOBBLERS! I’M GOING TO SHOVE A RADIO MAST UP ALL OF YOUR ARSES AND TWIST YOUR PRICKS UNTIL I CAN PICK UP THE LATEST TRAVEL, WEATHER AND SHOWBIZ NEWS FROM SIR TERRY MOTHERFUCKING WOGAN TWENTY YEARS IN THE PAST!
*
A good game, Exmit played well. But I am so, so very happy that I will never have to play dwarves again.