MarathonGuy1337
Educated
- Joined
- Aug 27, 2022
- Messages
- 96
-
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Mortal: The Simulation Video Game
- Thread starter Gahbreeil
- Start date
True Ukrainian
Arcane
I decided to give OP's novel a shot and read the free two chapter long preview available on amazon.
It's bad. Seriously bad.
Before getting into the plot, OP has a poor grasp of punctuation. He never uses "" to mark dialogue, nor does he separate dialogue into new paragraphs, so everything reads as a jumbled mish mash. And he constantly jumps between normal English and pretend archaic English, mixing words like "thou" into sentences. The story is just clunky and unpleasant to read.
As for the plot, OP is a friendless orphan mage, who wanders the land doing something, not sure what. OP spent most of chapter one getting high on weed, which he explains in painstaking detail, including the lore on how weed is mixed and the medicinal benefits of various blends. He then enters an inn to get a drink and has a fantasy of talking to God. The fantasy culminates with God sitting on OP's lap and kissing him (WTF).
Chapter two starts and OP is brooding outside the inn. A bandit sorcerer for some poorly explained reason, decided to attack OP and OP kills him. OP then kills the bandit's friends in the inn and everyone is in awe of the badass. OP is in emotional turmoil at killing several men, he's a sensitive man guys! But God tells him that everything is fine. God understands his pain.
No wonder nobody bought to book. There's no plot hook. Just OP fellating himself with how much God (literally) loves him.
It's bad. Seriously bad.
Before getting into the plot, OP has a poor grasp of punctuation. He never uses "" to mark dialogue, nor does he separate dialogue into new paragraphs, so everything reads as a jumbled mish mash. And he constantly jumps between normal English and pretend archaic English, mixing words like "thou" into sentences. The story is just clunky and unpleasant to read.
As for the plot, OP is a friendless orphan mage, who wanders the land doing something, not sure what. OP spent most of chapter one getting high on weed, which he explains in painstaking detail, including the lore on how weed is mixed and the medicinal benefits of various blends. He then enters an inn to get a drink and has a fantasy of talking to God. The fantasy culminates with God sitting on OP's lap and kissing him (WTF).
Chapter two starts and OP is brooding outside the inn. A bandit sorcerer for some poorly explained reason, decided to attack OP and OP kills him. OP then kills the bandit's friends in the inn and everyone is in awe of the badass. OP is in emotional turmoil at killing several men, he's a sensitive man guys! But God tells him that everything is fine. God understands his pain.
No wonder nobody bought to book. There's no plot hook. Just OP fellating himself with how much God (literally) loves him.
Well there's a plot twist no one saw coming!
The_Sloth_Sleeps
Arcane
- Joined
- Oct 26, 2016
- Messages
- 1,915
So I guess the sales from the book will not be funding the games development.
Gahbreeil
Learned
My novel? Nah, that is fully fiction. I figured the plot makes for a decent chivalric romance. Gahbreeil is not my alter ego. It's a character of mine.
I remind you that the document was 27 or 28 pages long before these 9 months... It's finished except for the plot/setting and summary parts. Which I'll do, just for you, cupcake.
Yes, the commenters were a bit off-centre on the point of intellectual prowess when the darts of their lives were tossed. Yet, hey! These are the future enthusiasts of the finished video game product.
True Ukrainian
Arcane
There's nothing in the synopsis that tells the reader your story is a chivalric romance. It doesn't tell the reader anything about the plot at all. And like I said earlier, your preview doesn't have any plot hooks. The only conflict was with the bandits and it's resolved immediately.
Gahbreeil
Learned
Dude, the synopsis is a blurb and not a synopsis and is a teaser of what is inside. Watch Stranger than Paradise and discover slow-going movies.
Regardless, let us return to the game and the notes to the project. I'll look at the answers in a day.
1. Sex between characters and playable children
2. No
Remember this would mean child on child melee combat as well.
True Ukrainian
Arcane
You should just write a visual novel if you're serious about this. Use renpy.
MarathonGuy1337
Educated
- Joined
- Aug 27, 2022
- Messages
- 96
You know that's probably the best thing @Gahbreeil can do at this point that or a RPG maker game. Renpy would allow for him to at least explore his story and still retains thing such as player input and narrative control which are kind of like the bare essentials for something to be considered a Role Playing Game (IMO)
Gahbreeil
Learned
Right, Codex, are you here? The name of the game is PLOT.
I'm open to all ideas that you cede all rights to so that I can implement said ideas into the project.
Other than that, we can just make it into a Vampire: the Masquerade game.
I'm open to all ideas that you cede all rights to so that I can implement said ideas into the project.
Other than that, we can just make it into a Vampire: the Masquerade game.
The_Sloth_Sleeps
Arcane
- Joined
- Oct 26, 2016
- Messages
- 1,915
You have lost the PLOT.
- Joined
- Sep 25, 2012
- Messages
- 28,371
Oh. OPinions discarded
FTFY.
Sure thing. My idea is that you go fuck yourself.
You have my express permission to go forth and use that as you will.
MarathonGuy1337
Educated
- Joined
- Aug 27, 2022
- Messages
- 96
what happened to Mortal? I though it was the best game ever made and we should have felt privileged to gaze upon the holy GDD you crafted with your writers hand
Gahbreeil
Learned
Sorry, my friend. I am not hung as well as you are. Neither do I have the experience you surely possess.
At least we agree on something.
True Ukrainian
Arcane
Bro, it's a bad look to beg others for ideas after boasting how awesome your writing is and how everyone should be honored to work for free on your AAAAAAA game.
Gahbreeil
Learned
Beg? I thought this was a community gathered round RPGs. I know it's not by this time yet still, what kind of an RPG enthusiast wouldn't want to share ideas for a "Best RPG of all time"? I would.
True Ukrainian
Arcane
But the only person here who thinks your RPG is the best RPG of all time is you.
Gahbreeil
Learned
True Ukrainian
Arcane
Bro, your PDF essay isn't an RPG.
Gahbreeil
Learned
The TTRPG that is all-inclusive included in Mortal and meant to make it shine is by definition an RPG.
True Ukrainian
Arcane
OK. Explain how a session of Mortal would go and give a rundown of the rule set.
Gahbreeil
Learned
Right. Finally!
- Five characteristics - Strength, Agility, Endurance, Intellect, Sense
- Each characteristic governs a skill tree, by comparison, Diablo
- Each skill improves as you use it, up to a 100% mastery of said skill, by comparison, Morrowind, Oblivion
- Skill checks - 4d6, Hit checks - 4d6
- Each weapon has an appropriate *d6 of damage
- Armour has durability points and soaks up all of the damage received/soaks up half of the damage/soaks nothing
- Flanking and backstabbing exist/There are no tiles or hexagons present, you cannot stand on top of another character
The session runs this way, the Players are at an inn. They can do anything. Mortal was designed with all of the things possible in other TTRPGs, like eating, hunting, blacksmithing, and so on to be in the spotlight. Doesn't mean that the core of other TTRPGs, combat and adventure is not in the spotlight.
Sense is charisma + sanity. Stress exists as a percentage beside health and endurance. Endurance doubles as mana.
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