OK I'm gonna split level three into two parts, not because it's hella long or anything but because the proper boss is fucking hard as shit. Like, I had to go look at walkthroughs to even work out what I'm meant to do, and even then I suck shit; basically, you're supposed to throw some shitty ball at it's face five times while it spams bouncing projectiles and minor, unkillable enemies at you (not really a spoiler). At the moment I can't even hit it once, and the sloppy controls aren't helping.
I guess what I'm saying is, don't expect that shit too soon, its gonna take luck and practice to beat that fucker and that takes time. FORTUNATELY (depending on your perspective) level three has a couple of clearly defined zones, so we're gonna do the first one today.
(I might post some special bonus content for paid subscribers/if I'm really struggling to beat the boss and no updates are likely to be forthcoming for a while)
DON'T FORGET TO POINT YOUR BROWSERS AT RUTABAGA SALAD FOR THE FULL EXPERIENCE
Nevertheless here we are again:
Yeah me too.
OH SHIT WHO DAT
"Just jump in the back of my unremarkable white van."
Oh good
There's always a catch, huh
It's a common word, genius
Schoolgirl's been grinding her Infer skill
But if they're dead, who's gonna keep her company?
Haven't we all
Emotion
She just said she
didn't refuse, dingus, pay attention
That's because you're less man than the Codex. We're gonna see
all the deaths.
Unless something eats us on the way
Fucking epic reveal bro.
I wonder if all the other de...vils? have dumb names too. Probably.
Anyway Ritz is a total poof who speaks in moonrunes:
Nice 'complete' translation dickweeds. I guess he just gives tips about bypassing the basic monsters (one of his convo screens pops up in English, not shown here because I didn't care enough to get a shot, and it's about an enemy we'll meet at the end of the update), so we can work that crap out ourselves.
Whatever. Fuck that little shit and fuck his seal. You can actually get chased around this level so you might think it has some gameplay significance, but it doesn't; the chaser gives up after a couple screens anyway.
OK time for some Warlock of Firetop Mountain style decision making. Left or right? Left, turn to 121.
A beige door (is that beige? It might be khaki or some shit. As a man I can never really be sure). Let's go through.
Yep, a red medicine and a sissy version of the level one boss. You can run past these guys without getting instadeath'd, and they generally pop out of the ground too soon to hurt you unless you're running. Which of course you won't be, owing to the fact you run out of stamina so fast.
They're probably the least annoying enemy so far. There's nothing else of note here, so let's go back and right a couple of screens:
Right of the start room lurks a moleblob/bird combo and a trial of what appears to be fluorescent red paint (best thing about this game: the creator's inability to decide on what colour blood is).
This is what we see if we pass through there. As you can see the grate is locked. Let's go through beige door #2.
Second new enemy type, definitely the dumbest looking so far. They shoot sticky white stuff (subtle) at you out their narrow end and then charge if you get hit. Duck to avoid.
The most exciting thing about this room is the green door. A new colour, gosh (these really are the laziest BGs so far, shitty palette swaps of the same 'textures' ugh). We'll go through.
Appropos of nothing
In the tradition of 'Ritz' I dub this recurring de...vil 'Paris'.
This is the main chase sequence for this level. Now, like I implied before, you might very well assume that the objective is to escape to the room with the magic seal in it. But it's not.
This dude's not too hard to get away from. He lurches around pretty fast but pauses between each step and takes a little while to spawn in a new room; if you remember to run periodically you'll be fine.
Go through beige door #3 and then, well, er, the designer's not even trying to hide his secret doors any more. Let's check it out.
Yeah he won't find you if you hide in one of them, sweetie.
Spoiler: actually he doesn't.
You can take refuge in the one on the end.
He'll stand there for a bit but eventually goes away (note that the blood puddle under the rightmost locker disappears. Dude can't even copy-paste his BG files right).
Quirk/bug: if you exit the locker while Paris is still waiting, you'll be killed, but he won't appear when you reenter the green door after you respawn.
Now, we haven't gotten rid of Paris entirely. He'll randomly spawn every so often and you'll have to run away, but it's all rather prosaic so I won't bother running through that (ha ha a joke) with you guys.
BUT WHAT ABOUT DEATHS, I hear you cry. Don't fret, I've got you covered:
These are the basic deaths off of Paris. I like the way he can't be bothered holding on to the cleaver in that second one.
Now, you might be disappointed by the lack of yellow emissions, but wait, there's more! The following is a secret death, or so I'm told; the trigger appears to be standing still and waiting for Paris to catch you after spawining in a new room (don't quote etc.).
Yeah uh life lesson learned I guess. Also, I now know that katanas, in addition to being able to slash through a tank, also roughly treble the amount of blood inside any person they're cutting. BEST SWORDS EVER
(Not captured: some intermediate frames during the slash. This sequence was made with genuine love and care).
Anyway if we go back to where Paris originally spawned we can make some progress.
What dat
Crouch+Z
OK cool, we've got a key and we're back near where we started. It doesn't unlock the grate but if we return to the secret door room there's a locked door there too. Do you think it might...?
Well you should if you don't.
In the meantime a bird and a purple worm (
THAT'S NOT A PURPLE WORM) have spawned. I use my skillz to bypass them and:
Another table; Paris must like them more than I thought. Make your way through the crawlspace (same as all the other crawlspaces, so no shot this time. Soz) and come out in this room:
The exit on the right opens a secret door in the red medicine room, which we first saw right at the start of this update. At this point, that room's still p. useless though, so we'll head left:
This is the sub-boss for this level, the Flatulator. His marijuana farts (stoned geddit?????????) prevent you from running so you have to limp about like a 15th century blacksmith while he rebounds around. You also have to avoid his bumsneezes. Observe:
Et cetera.
This goes on for 50 seconds. At 10 and 30 seconds he releases an extra whiff (so, three on screen at 10 secs), he gets a bit faster, and his bounces become a little more vertical (he's very hard to avoid after 10 seconds, although if you've survived that long you're laughing anyway). Basic tactics for this fight are to avoid if you can, but if you have to choose, get hit by the Flatulator instead of his wind, because he doesn't sap much health while his pong will drop you in three hits.
If you get too baked off his stink this happens:
Yeah fair enough dear. But we can't have what we want all of the time.
CAN YOU?
If you're low on health, this also happens:
Once again, not a very whackable death sequence (there's a generic death waiting if you run out of health via the Flatulator directly). Fortunately this fight is surprisingly not infuriating so you don't have to look at it too often.
Anyway eventually he gets bored and withdraws. Then a key drops from the sky:
Wonder where that fits? Alright back to the grate. On the way there are a couple things of significance:
New enemy! Demon leeches. They pile up on you like so:
And you have to hammer Z madly to get them off. They don't do much damage but they do seem to stop you from running once you have the maximum amount attached (not seen here). They have a unique death:
Slurp slurp.
There's also a new item in the first beige door room. We'll be rid of the leeches (as seen here, they do transfer from room-to-room) and then grab it:
With this installed you can play Team Fortress II (ooh I'm a funny fellow).
But where does this mysterious grate lead???
FIND OUT NEXT TIME; SAME SHIT TIME, SAME SHIT CHANNEL
(well, maybe not the same shit time)