Prelude to ITZCOM

[Stereotypical Villain]

The year is 20XX. Several years after the closure of the organization known as the Codex Diversity squad, a new threat looms on the horizon... and only a handful of men can stop it.

New Zimbabwe, formerly known as New York City, in a rain slicked alley at night...

God damned machete rape gangs. How do they expect me to get any work done on AoD under these conditions? Why did you call me anyway?

Hey, you're not Gabe Newell! Hmm... You wanna trade hats in Team Fortress 3?

Thanks for remindin' me why I left the Codex.

Brother None! Aren't you busy developing Fallout New Mecca with MCA?

Reckon I ruined that on account of ma copious amounts of time travel.

Which would explain the reek of whiskey. Why did you scrubs have to pry me from the championships anyway? I was just about to create a new meta with mid Alistar.

What the hell is an Alistar?

Thinkin' its his Welsh lover, Vince.

GOD DAMN IT TRADE HATS WITH ME

But wait... I certainly know that I would never call you morons here for any other reason than to get praise for my awesome game that has been in development for over 20 years now... and none of you would do the same, being too busy with time travel, hat trading, rampant homosexuality and being chased by negroes...

A fair point, pardner. Whoever pulled me away from ma duties to NMA and this here planet will be in a heap of trouble when I get ma hands on them.

Hey, guys? Who's that over there by the dumpster?

HELLO BROS IN RESPONSE TO MY DRANKNESS THIS COUNCIL OF BROS HAS CHOSEN TO CLUMP YOU ALL TOGETHER INTO CLEVES BUNKERS TO POP MOLES IN DEFENSE OF THIS EARTH
To be continued...

 

[Stereotypical Villain]

Later that same day, in Melbourne Australia.

SKYRANGERS ARE SO FAST BRO HOLD ON IM GONNA HURL

What the hell do you want from us anyway?

A fair question. This here situation's clear as mud, y'hear?

I don't understand what anybody's saying I just wanna pop moles!

ANSWERS WILL BE GIVEN IN DUE TIME BRO GRAB A SHOVEL AND START DIGGING BRO WERE BRINGING THIS SPERGER BUNKER TO SOUTH AMERICA

What the- The degenerate hordes are attempting to steal my series of buried dumpsters and empty tins of dog chow! Activate Vault-OS! Activate the defenses!

RELAX BRO ITS NOT STEALING IF YOU DONT TOUCH THE OTHER GUYS WALLET

This feller doesn't seem t' have all o' his faculties intact. You sure I can't just shoot him?

Forget about it, Brother None! Without him I'll never get to release the sequel to AoD.

Awesome! Will it be on Steam?

Piss off, MHC.

BROS DONT FIGHT OTHER BROS WE NEED EVERY MAN WE CAN GET INCLUDING BARKMORE

Blakemore!

THATS WHAT I SAID BRO

To be continued...

 

[Storyfag]

The plot thickens

 

[Stereotypical Villain]

The plot continues in six days, when the game's out in Eurofagistan.

Prepare your brians for permanent damage. I know I have!

 

[eklektyk]

 

[Stereotypical Villain]

TWELVE HOURS BRO IM STAYING UP ALL NIGHT TO UPDATE THIS LP OH MY GOD IM SO PUMPED

 

[Genma:TheDestroyer]

SHOW US THE FUTURE, BRO!

 

[Radisshu]

 

[Ulminati]

Voulenteering to be first squaddie who gets sniper specialization

 

[SerratedBiz]

New Zimbabwe, formerly known as New York City

Shit made me choke.

 

[WhiskeyWolf]

Shit will be epic.

 

[Stereotypical Villain]

Four hours to go and I'm jacked up on enough caffeine to kill Gulliver's entire family!

 

[Storyfag]

Also volunteering for first availible spot in the team make me a heavy, if applicable.

 

[rpgcodexusername]

please include me as a squad member,
i will welcome our alien god masters

 

[Hellraiser]

When you run out of codexian meat-shields be sure to include me. I have a long track record of having my avatars die in X-Com, just ask Storyfag

 

[Storyfag]

I have a long track record of having my avatars die in X-Com, just ask Storyfag

That was the X-COM though, not this contemporary popamole thing.

 

[Hellraiser]

I have a long track record of having my avatars die in X-Com, just ask Storyfag

That was the X-COM though, not this contemporary popamole thing.

That's why I wrote X-Com not XCom

 

[Stereotypical Villain]

Working on the update, but these rules stand: Once Phoenix, Brother None, MHC and Vince D. Weller have ALL hit the dust it's game over. I'll include anybody who wants to be a reservist while they're still alive though.

 

[Stereotypical Villain]

XCOM Enemy Unknown

Starring:
Brother None as Brother "Heath" None - Heavy Weapons Soldier
MHC as Mr. "Head" Cow - Assault Soldier
Undead Phoenix as Mohammed "Metagame" Phoenix (a traditional British name) - Sniper
Vault Dweller as Vince "Indie" Dweller - Support Soldier
BLOBERT as HELLO COMMANDER guy

also starring:
Ulminati as Rookie 1
Crooked Bee as Rookie 2
Phage as Rookie 3
Luzur as Rookie 4

Directed by:
Michael Bay
Skyway

Filmed in:
The country of Denmark

Writer:
Howard Phillips Lovecraft (Don't believe me? Bear witness to the cosmic horror that is to come)

Chapter one - The Many, The Expendable, The Rookies

No, I keep telling you that nobody knows dick in this organization; AP Ashe is, and always will be, viable.

You dumb Kwan, don't you know that AP Olaf is the way to go now a days?

Oh, I can see why you'd think Olaf is nice, Ulm. And not only because of your strong attraction to muscular men who has a tendency of taking their shirts off.

BROS SHUT UP YOUR MISSION IS TO TAKE THE LAST PURE ARYAN IN GERMANY TO THE LANDING ZONE

Aryan, you say?

Man, you say?

At least it's not a swede.

Excuse me?

Eurogfags gonna eurofag. AMURUCA FUCK YE

JUST SHUT UP AND DO AS I SAY BROS YOU'LL BE FINE IF YOU DO THAT BRO TRUST ME BRO DON'T BE THE UNBRO

This man is clearly a degenerate. How did I end up here anyway?

Promises of tranny sex followed by a blackjack to the head?

Just like Garret in Thief! Garret...

Garret was a tranny?

HEY HEY LISTEN BRO LISTEN HEY LISTEN BRO LISTEN HEY DID YOU KNOW THAT YOU CAN USE COVER TO NEGATE DAMAGE BRO

Wow, really? These tips are golden! I'll get out of elo hell in no time!

Elo what?

JUST MOVE UP TO COVER YOU FUCKING IDIOT BROS OH MY BRO THIS IS SO UNBRO

Jeez, okay already! But I'm telling you: Cover is for pussies.

GOOD NOW KEEP DOING THAT UNTIL I TELL YOU NOT TO BRO

Dick.

Yes sir! This is so exciting!

THAT FEELING WILL WEAR OFF SOON BRODETTE

IIIIHHH!!!

TOLD YOU BRODETTE NOW KEEP GOING

Hey, dipshits! Everybody into the building! I can see some guy here!

Huuuurrrr... bloom... next gen... boob physics... hiking...

Get a fucking translator on the horn, we've got a rambler.

BRO IVE GOT JUST THE BRO FOR THE JOB BRO

Bloom? SHIT! You hear me? Arma 2 doesn't have bloom dipshit and it's the best selling game of all time!

Uuuurr.... Suuucks...

FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! GET OUT OF HERE STALKER! FUCK YOU! TRAIN TICKETS, BITCH! FUCK YOU!

BRO NEGOTIATIONS HAVE FAILED ENTER THE BUILDING AND SECURE THE ARYAN

Holy shit, Bee!

^_^

ULM BRO APPROACH THE ARYAN BRO AND BROMANCE HIM

Hue hue hue? Morde top hue hue or I ragequit?

Huuue....

I'm getting through to him! Also: LOOK, PHAGE! NO COVER, ALL MAN!

Hrm.

Wonder where I can get my eyes shined like that?

You have to kill a ma-

What the hell is-

CUNTBALLS FUCKITY FUCK GG WP WTF OMG HUUUUuuuuueeeeeeeee... e.... e....

Ulm!

Nooo! He wasn't even out of elo hell!

At least he had a... blast. YYEEEAAA-

BROS HES GOT A GRENADE WATCH OU-

TARGET UP! I shall kill like the nazis gloriously killed the jews! I shall kill like-

ITS NOT YOUR TURN YET BRO

What the fuuuuuuuuu-

Arrogant turd deserved it after what he said to Ulm.

TIME TO POP SOME MOLES! PENTAKILL!

I'm going to kill one too!

HEY USE A GRENADE BRODETTE HEY LISTEN HEY HEY HEY

KK

YAAAY! I GOT HIM! I- *splat*

DONT USE IT IN CLOSE COMBAT... ERRR GOOD LUCK PHAGE BRO

Luck is for low elo scrubs.

Area secure.

WELL DONE BRO I RECALLED THE SKYRANGER WHILE YOU WERE THERE BRO SORRY I THOUGHT YOU WOULD DIE ANYWAY BUT NOBODY HAS TO FIND OUT BRO CONSIDER THIS YOUR HONORABLE RESIGNATION

I... I don't have to endure chest-high walls anymore? No more bloom?

NO BRO MISSION ACUMBLISHED

Thank fuck for that.

All of this data will be of use to our primary unit...

What was that?

NOTHING BRO I FORGOT TO LET GO OF THE BUTTON IM SO DRANK BRO

Hrm.

To be continued...

 

[Cassidy]

Did I click on "Let's Play Gears of War" by mistake?

Seriously, you're better off finishing Prisoner of Ice than LPing this piece of shit.

 

[Brother None]

Cover + OTS camera availability = Gears of War? lulz.

Game looks pretty good to be honest. Yay LP!!

 

[Ulminati]

Cover + OTS camera availability = Gears of War? lulz.

Game looks pretty good to be honest. Yay LP!!

Don't be fooled by its particle effects. The UI is truly atrocious, the missions don't have random maps and the gameplay is dumbed down so bad that even Totalbiscuit complained it was dumbed down. And the camera. Slaanesh be gentle, the camera is a blight upon the earth.

 

[RK47]

meh next gen shit squad of 6 ? srsly?

 

[Ulminati]

Squad of 4. Gotta research upgrades to get 6 ppl.

 

[RK47]

.... might as well go with solo run.