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Lol what went on there in Betis? They took all of 13 minutes before deciding to invite Joe to an interview. 10 minutes of that must be typing the contents from the faxed application manually into Google Translate.
Also, "Shaqueel von Persie"? I refuse to look up if that's Robin's actual son.
Damn that loss against Morocco hurts, it’s almost giving me flashbacks of France’s disastrous 2002 performance.
But I couldn’t help but giggle reading about Didier Deschamps winning the World Cup leading England, especially considering France’s current form.
And would that make him the only coach to ever win the World Cup with two different teams?
But more importantly: let’s go Real Madrid! Get that fat bank account ever fatter! (Although I guess that at this point Joe’s priorities have changed and he’s not after money first and foremost anymore).
Lol what went on there in Betis? They took all of 13 minutes before deciding to invite Joe to an interview. 10 minutes of that must be typing the contents from the faxed application manually into Google Translate.
Also, "Shaqueel von Persie"? I refuse to look up if that's Robin's actual son.
I hope Betis have that Chav-to-Spanish translator installed then, otherwise it will seem a bit garbled!
And yeah Shaqueel van Persie is his actual son. I wanted to find an excuse to call him up, since Robin was my assistant manager, but he's just not good enough. Robin van Persie is like the FM player who plays for thousands of hours until he gets his son in the game (this is actually a thing in FM, happened to me in FM07). Although hopefully the game won't give him some wigger name like "Shaqueel" but just "Joe Hardman Jr" or something.
FM has some funny little quirks and strange events. In my old FM07 save, before the Amsterdam Arena was renamed after Johan Cruyff, the club built a new stadium and named it after me after dozens of titles and cups and multiple CL wins. Walking into your own stadium in every home game seems like a pretty Chad move.
Now, in FM24, for this World Cup, I noticed the game generated a new stadium in Shizuoka named after Keisuke Honda. That's pretty cool, although the guy doesn't have any relationship with Shizuoka or the local club there as far as I'm aware. But he had almost a hundred caps for Japan, so fair enough. Also, it seems that after Milan, he has played in Mexico, Australia, Brazil, Portugal, Azerbaijan, Latvia and Bhutan, and was manager of Cambodia for a while. With such a dedication to the whole Journeyman principle, we'll be watching his career with great interest.
I also heard there's an event where your player comes out as gay, and it gives you a little boost to merchandising sales (wut?). Haven't seen this one yet, otherwise it could be funny to banish the guy to the reserves just for being a poof. Joe is NOT bigoted, but there are limits! Or, as Frank de Boer (175 IQ) once said, "Homosexuals have different motor skills, they're not so sporty". Of course you know it's always going to be the big, burly, 3 red cards a season ball-winning midfielder. Hey, it says it right there in the role description. Jokes aside, let's not have more random events like this. It's FM, damnit, not Crusader Kings!
Last time, we left Joe Hardman being VOLUNTARILY unemployed for the first time in his life, on a secluded beach in Ibiza, after the disastrous 2034 World Cup, drowning his sorrows, turning lobster-red, while obsessively binge-watching #barclaysmen shorts on YouTube. Yes, Joe is the kind of man with whom you can just sit in a pub, down pints, and rattle off names of random footballers who have come and gone. Linvoy Primus! Hugo Rodallega! Morten Gamst Pedersen! Those were the days.
Joe's Netherlands stint saw all the extremes of football: under Hardman, Oranje won its first silverware since 1988, the Euro 2032, and qualified for the subsequent World Cup with a perfect record. But the tournament itself proved to be a massive deception. Although the team scraped results in the group stage, they failed to make their chances count in the second round against Morocco. Then, in the penalty shootout, a new generation of Dutch youngsters got its penalty trauma as Kenneth Taylor and Matthijs de Ligt joined such names as Patrick Kluivert, Frank de Boer and Jaap Stam.
Joe's holiday was not supposed to come to an end so quickly. Every once in a while, journalists would call: "Joe, are you willing to drop down a league to get back into the game?" "Joe, what do you think of Nick Montgomery being under pressure at Norwich? Do you think he should get the sack?" Yes, they were asking him to throw his once upon a time predecessor at Fulham under the bus. Fucking tabloids.
"Now look here mate, this is the third time this week you've called me about the Canaries job. The only Canaries I'm interested in are in Spain. Ask me again, and I'll get a real canary and shove it up your arse, beak first. Never call me again. Cunt!"
But at the same time as this conversation took place, events were already being set in motion that would launch Joe's career far beyond Norwich. In 2030, Zinedine Zidane came back to take over from the retiring Carlo Ancelotti, but four years later, he left for Chelsea as one of several major managerial changes in the pinnacle of European football. All Joe could do was jump on the train.
"Apparent objection? We won Euro 2032 almost entirely on Micky van de Ven throw-ins. What do they know???"
But Joe need not worry. The board seem to know what they want, and the job interview is a breeze despite Joe's Spanish being limited to "Una sangria, por favor". While the football season is already kicking off in Spain and everywhere else, the Real Madrid board work frantically to hammer out the details. Eye-watering amounts of money are being thrown around:
At the Netherlands, Joe became a multi-millionaire. Now, however, he will rake in a million every two months. The transfer and wage budgets on the table are also unlike anything he could have ever imagined ten years ago, when a Briton Ferry player was lucky to earn a couple hundred quid per week.
Real Madrid doesn't need much introduction, and it's hard to do so in a way that does them justice. While their archrivals Barcelona are famously "More than a club", Real Madrid is an institution. Favoured by the monarchy and by the Francoist regime, the unblemished white kit inspires admiration and revulsion alike. The white is associated with the first massive international success under Bernabéu's stewardship, as well as Florentino Pérez's Galácticos policy. It's been the shirt of some of the most skilled footballers in the world, but it's also been the shirt of success bought with massive amounts of money. Such is the privilege of being a global brand and one of the most valuable and most reputable clubs in the world. Real contest the Clásico with Barcelona, but also the Madrid city derby with Atletico. In fact, the club is so competitive in the Champions League, there is even a continental rivalry of sorts with Bayern Munich.
Instead, let's look at the club's more recent record. As mentioned, Real Madrid have won La Liga 10 times in a row, with Barcelona satisfyingly ending 2nd in each of those seasons, while also winning the Copa del Rey in almost all of the last 10 seasons, and the Champions League in 2029 and 2030, two out of a total of five CL finals appearances in the last decade. Winning La Liga is not going to be optional for Joe, and he is also expected to lead the club into the CL semi-finals at the very least.
Although it's been over a decade since Carlo Ancelotti's arrival, and four years since his retirement, Jude Bellingham and Camavinga are still around from this era. Both are now aged 31 and are the great leaders of the team, as captain and vice-captain. In addition, in the summer of 2026, Real shelled out €100M for Florian Wirtz from Bayer Leverkusen. Endrick, signed from Palmeiras in Brazil in 2024, spent several years as a squad player and one season on loan at Bayern, before finally becoming the undisputed first striker in 2030. He has not been extremely prolific, scoring slightly less than one goal per two matches on average. Joe is also reunited with two members of his Netherlands squad: Bram Mulder at left-wing, and Lutsharel Geertruida as either a right-back or defensive midfielder. Yes, after spending almost an entire career as a one-club man at Feyenoord, at the ripe age of 34, Geertruida joined Real on a free! Diogo Costa arrived in 2027 and has since established himself as the first goalkeeper. The club also signed the former Norwegian wonderkid Sverre Halseth Nypan for €51M from PSG, but he never became much more than a squad player, and was loaned out to Brighton, with whom he won the Premier League last season.
Others from the Ancelotti era have departed since then. Vinicius Junior joined Chelsea on a free in 2033, Manchester City bought Arda Güler for €101M in 2029. Rodrygo had already joined the Citizens for €216M in 2025, making him the most expensive transfer since Neymar, until both were surpassed in 2029, when PSG bought Evan Ferguson from Brighton for €306M. Anyway, Rodrygo then joined Al-Ahli on a free in 2033. Rafa Marin went to PSG, but then ended up at Barcelona. Tchouameni is at Inter. The likes of Valverde and Mendy are now retired.
Besides the names already known in our timeline, many others have emerged since then. A quick selection:
The first left centre back is this tall Argentinian, brought in from Boca Juniors.
His counterpart is this young Turkish defender. Real Madrid paid €38M to PEC Zwolle for him, who bought him from Altinordu for €1.4M. Not a bad piece of business for them!
Cool! The Belgian is one of the dying breed of full-backs whose forte is not necessarily thundering down the flank. Zidane paid Bologna €65M for this guy this summer, before sodding off to Chelsea to presumably spend even more money.
This guy, signed from Le Havre, is not amazingly skillful, but he does have better attacking traits like a modern wing-back, without neglecting his defensive abilities.
This Brazilian defensive midfielder is hampered a bit by his inability to play as a central midfielder as well. He is also a natural central defender, but he's much too short for that.
One of the few Real Madrid youth academy players who made it into the first team.
Mulder we have already seen in the Netherlands national team. A product of the AZ youth academy, he is a traditional left winger with great dribbling and crossing skill. Sadly, he fears big matches, which is not a good fit at this level. Replacing him may be a good use of that €400M transfer kitty.
Another signing from Palmeiras, Endrick's old Brazilian club.
The first XI are generally world-class, with maybe one or two players who are merely "good enough". However, outside of them, there is not a lot of squad depth. And our ageing stars Diogo Costa, Camavinga, Wirtz and Bellingham are all on expiring contracts. With four days to go until the transfer window closes, we choose not to spend that €400M budget just yet, as there has simply been no time for any scouting.
João Sacramento, the Portuguese assistant manager. After stints at PSG, Porto, Atletico Madrid and PSG again, Real recruited this consummate assistant manager to strengthen Zidane's staff, but instead, Zidane departed three days before the first game. However, it was not Sacremento, but head of youth development Abián Perdomo who coached the first three games as interim manager:
Yes, before Joe comes in, the away Clásico has already been played, and there has already been a home game against Atletico! As usual, Joe doesn't intrude too much into the existing structure at the club. João Sacramento has a good judgement regarding the quality of the players at the club, and that's what matters the most.
Our Champions League opponents in the league phase are revealed.
In his three games as caretaker manager, Perdomo played a 4-3-3. Let's follow him for now:
Our individual quality sees us through at Sevilla, but it's not very satisfying just yet. The team lacks a bit of 'oomph'. Let's take a leaf out of Don Carlo's book instead:
Funny thing, this started as a 4-3-3 tactic that I downloaded, but I got rid of the DM (Jean will just have to be retrained if we want to use him) and made it asymmetrical to make it a bit less predictable. Bellingham starts as a shadow striker here while Wirtz is being rested against Las Palmas, but usually Bellingham can play in that midfield role, while Wirtz will be either an attacking midfielder/playmaker/shadow striker in that AMC spot, or an inverted winger in Mulder's place.
That's more like it.
At the legendary Marakana in Belgrade, for the first time in his life, Joe Hardman steps onto a football pitch while this little banger plays:
Stolen from the British coronation anthem, it feels like the crown on Joe's work so far. Although it was technically Zidane who won Real their unprecedented 10th La Liga title in a row, now it's our job to keep them there for another year, and be competitive in the Champions League. It will have to come in another game though, as Red Star hold us to 1-1.
Joe's first CL game at Bernabeu almost becomes a cracker for all the wrong reasons due to Nypan's red card! But we bring home the three points.
He is you know... One of several beautiful goals in La Liga, this one is from Bellingham firing in a free kick from what doesn't seem like a great position for a shot.
Against Espanyol, Bellingham gets the attention for all the wrong reasons as he is sent off. But the asymmetrical approach works surprisingly well even with ten men and leaving a gap in his position.
We settle on the asymmetrical tactic, although we sometimes switch to 4-3-3 to give Jean a chance to play.
In the first few games, we remain unbeaten, and win the all-important Champions League game against Bayern Munich (with the now aged Musiala and De Ligt), without which we would hve risked falling behind.
After 16 glorious years, Atletico Madrid sacked Diego Simeone in 2027! Since then, they've had Bo Svensson and Ange Postecoglou as managers, but the latter only lasted one year. Then they appointed Xavi Hernandez. Quite a change for them to end up with this tippy-tappy merchant! He professes himself not to be a fan of the English upstart. It's on now!
Just before the news hits of Atletico tiki-taka'ing Xavi out on his arse, we lose our first game against Valencia in the Champions League. Meanwhile, Barcelona have already lost three La Liga games, and Villareal are emerging as the number two so far. Under Postecoglou, the Yellow Submarine becomes an opponent to be feared, and they also deal us our first league defeat:
It's been a while since Real lost a game. Although we're still comfortably leading the league in this early stage, it's a warning sign that we can't take the 11th title for granted.
Despite the lure of Saudi oil money, we keep Bellingham at the club for one more year.
Before going into a brief winter break, we recover against Rayo Vallecano. Coming from a working-class neighbourhood of Madrid, they are famously supported by Ska-P, and with their leftist tendencies, the red sashes are the antidote to Real's royal white.
Looking at the table, Barcelona have recovered somewhat from their very poor start. With an 8-point lead, we are very much the dominant force in the league, but there is still plenty of football to be played. The break comes just before the halfway point, with 38 games to be played in total.
In the Champions League, we are just below the top 8 that qualifies directly for the round of 16, but with only two home games against Freiburg and Benfica remaining, we can feasibly enter the top 8.
Going into the transfer window, it's also time to look at some possible signings. Joe would love to be reunited with Ruben Mendoza, whom he brought into Fulham, but Fulham are still in a financially very strong position. Will Joe Hardman be the one to break the world transfer record by spending €350M on one player? The board certainly want us to start splashing the cash. Real have a reputation to uphold!
After the winter holidays, Joe Hardman will be back with signings, the Super Cup, and much more!
I'm actually impressed with the quality of squad-building from Real there. They've been the top team for a decade, but it still looks like they've been successfully replacing outgoing veterans with high profile talents from within and without the whole time.
I had written the series off years ago, so it's really nice to see all these improvements in FM24.
