The Captain of the Maximum Fuck looked hopelessly up into the guns of the unidentified xeno expeditionary force. He did not recognize the alien technology, but he felt reasonably confident that the Faceless Man would not have called him here if he had any chance of survival. The Faceless Man was reliable that way.
A familiar voice hissed inside his mind. "Captain. You have your orders. Do not fail."
The Captain sighed. "This is going to end the same way as my mission to 'scout out' the Death Star, isn't it?"
"Yes. Exactly so. A terror shall die, that Man might live. As it was then, so shall it be now."
"I was referring more to the part where my ship exploded so hard that I shat cinders for the rest of the week." He sighed. Arguing with this one was pointless. Resigned, he turned on his comm array and hailed the approaching alien battlefleet.
"Rogue warships. Your presence here is in violation of sector sovereignty, as specified in IPC 512. Please stand down your weapons and prepare to be boarded."
Over the comm channel, he heard no response for seconds that stretched on to a full minute. Then, a horrible, metallic clanging that somehow sounded like laughter . . .
* * *
[000.00]: ATTN: All ships in this sector! Maximum Fuck (Legion of Idiots) has been destroyed. Let this serve as a warning to you all for attacking Vanguard.
[000.00]: ATTN: Maximum Fuck (Legion of Idiots) you have attacked the Reprisal [VGD] (Vessel). This is an act of war against Vanguard. Prepare for retaliation.
* * *
I watched the ashes of the Maximum Fuck drift aimlessly through space. Ever since I took command of the Relationship, it has been my duty, my burden to safeguard the residents of this sector from the threat of alien warmongering. Also from the threat of themselves. Occasionally from the threat of being corrupted by riches. Once or twice from the threat of getting in my way. It is a heavy responsibility, but one I bear with honour and humility.
Saddened by the unwarranted aggression from the bloodthirsty xenos, I summoned all my diplomatic powers and made one last effort at a peaceful resolution to this regrettable conflict.
[000.00]: Your pathetic warning makes us laugh, Vanguard.
[000.00]: Who sows the flame shall reap the firestorm.
Eagerly, I awaited the alien's reply, my heart borne up by a childlike optimism that they would be moved by my message of compassion and mutual understanding.
[000.00]: ATTN: Relationship (Faceless Man) you have attacked the Fighter Wing [VGD] (Vessel). This is an act of war against Vanguard. Prepare for retaliation.
Immediately upon entering the area and engaging in a routine weapons test, I was set upon by many unprovoked and senseless attacks--me, a peaceful, robotics-loving hull merchant, who had never hurt anyone! Unable to reason in the face of unbridled alien aggression, I sorrowfully charged my ship's defense systems.
That day, many of the enemies of sector-wide peace were saved from themselves. But for every ship I liberated, four more warped in to take its place. I began to realize I was facing a more serious threat than anticipated.
[000.00]: If I win this one, I'm declaring myself God-Emperor. --Faceless
[000.00]: ATTN: Relationship (Faceless Man) this is the Vanguard Galactic Battlecruiser: Defiance. We have warped in on your sector. Prepare to be annihilated.
[000.00]: You dare defy the God-Emperor? Heretical fools.
Noting the disturbingly large red blob covering my scanner, I decided to attempt the Glorious Imperial Backwards March, a.k.a. running like a little girl. I led the pursuing Vanguard fleet southwest, grazing right by the black hole at -66, -66. Let's see how the treacherous xeno scum deal with THAT!
[000.00]: So apparently you guys can fly through a black hole. Duly noted.
Apparently the treacherous xeno scum deal with it just fine. They swarmed through the black hole and continued their relentless pursuit. I assume Vanguard scientists have mastered the technology to resist singularity-level gravitational pulls. I look forward to many fruitful conversations with their engineers, once they are freed from their ships.
[000.00]: Holy fuck, did I just note a fight with Relationship?
[000.00]: One or two.
[000.00]: Check your news.
[000.00]: Er, reports.
[000.00]: hmm vessel has a hard life, what ever that is
[000.00]: They are the enemies of Mankind.
[000.00]: the enemy of relationship is my friend
Lacking any good alternative and any means of shaking the alien wretches, I made my stand. The fighters surrounded me in swarms, and I swatted them from the sky like so many buzzing gnats. Finally the dust cleared and I readied to return to the Core for repairs. As I cautiously skirted the site of my initial engagement with the xenos, scanners reported a single warship on my tail. That was odd. I didn't see anything nearby. Perhaps the remaining Vanguard ship was hiding behind that star . . .
Oh. That wasn't a star.
The Galactic Battlecruiser Defiance loomed in the Relationship's viewport. It was the flagship of the Vanguard fleet, stronger and more resilient than the rest of the xeno armada combined. I was currently looking down the full range of its sun-shattering broadside.
At last, a worthy adversary.
[000.00]: Relationship (Faceless Man), you may have defeated Vanguard this time - but we will return.
[000.00]: Then you will die again!
The Vanguard Grand Admiral had been engaged in negotiations. Discussions had been tense for a time, but finally he repented of his crimes, having seen the light. Specifically, the light of several thousand laser cannons.
Even with their commander enlightened, the remnants of the barbaric alien horde continued their mindless aggression against the sector, disrespectfully turning in the opposite direction and showing our womenfolk their Vanguard-butt. Did the alien's unseemliness know no bounds? It was my sad duty as Defender of Mankind to purge this threat to sector security and propriety, once and for all.
[000.00]: ATTN: Relationship (Faceless Man) you have attacked the Bomber Wing [VGD] (Vessel). This is an act of war against Vanguard. Prepare for retaliation.
[000.00]: Fight if you must, it will avail you naught.
The last Vanguard battlecruiser was located, engaged, eradicated. Finally, the warmongering xeno scourge was defeated, and the sector was once again safe for peace and equality. Although apparently some of space traffic control operators on various stations and planets are still suffering trauma from the fear they felt that day . . . ? That alone can explain why they heed the whispers of slain alien tyrants, and deny the living champion of mankind his rest.
[000.00]: ATTN: Eitec Industries, the vessel Relationship (Faceless Man) is an enemy of Vanguard. You will deny that vessel permission to dock or you will be destroyed.
000.00]: Whosoever takes up arms against that which I hold in my hand shall be crushed in my fist.
[..]
[000.00]: ATTN: Jola-7, the vessel Relationship (Faceless Man) is an enemy of Vanguard. You will deny that vessel permission to dock or you will be destroyed.
[000.00]: Enemies of the Faceless Man, you have come here to die.
[000.00]: Omg I am scared
[000.00]: ATTN: Eitec Industries, the vessel Relationship (Faceless Man) is an enemy of Vanguard. You will deny that vessel permission to dock or you will be destroyed.
[000.00]: Space station, you should fear me far more than you do any petty Vanguard.
[000.00]: ...Fucking Eitec. First the dishonest hull merchant, now this.
[000.00]: As soon as DU adds weapons capable of conducting an Exterminatus, you are SCREWED.