In Progress Call of Warhammer: horrible raep edition

[Corporate_Jew_Master]

After a long period of not following the mod I decided to take a look at the TW Center and -what do you know- the mod reserved a much needed update. More spicy events, more Chaos ITZ marching down to rape and burn eerything, Orkz popping up everywhere, this is just what we need. Best thing is the scripted events that fire up every once in a while which usually hand you 10 stacks of Orks marching through your territory and looking to machete rape your population.

To those of you who do not know Call of Warhammer is a Medieval 2 Total War total conversion mod that puts you into the Old World and shows you what it's like living in the grimdark darkness of the far future version of our own medieval times. You have cannons and sorcerers, daemons and skeletons led by necromantic vampire faggots, supreme faggot elves, less faggot elves, Ubersturmfuhrer medieval Germans who don't take it up the ass and Skyway.

Let's take a look at the factions I'd like to play:

The twin fortress cities of Ukraine-Finland Kislev-Erengrad. The Skyways and Vaarnas of the setting, they try to defend themselves against the Big Bad, namely the daemon russians of Chaos Undivided. They are in for some severe rape because once Chaos unites Archaon the Despoiler/Destroyer/Pillager comes down with his hordes to raze everything. And you are the first thing in his way.
They are a very potato themed faction with bear cavalry, winged hussars, streltsi and other such goodies.

Das Reich The Empire. These are the renaissance germans of the game, complete with names like Karl Franz, Otto von Bumberg and Vault Dweller. Their units are the most streamlined and 'imperial' like ones, with DISZIPLIN and good formations as well as a huge variety. From pikemen, swordsmen, heavy knights and archers to handgunners, huge ass cannons, machine gun cannons, mortars, other sorts of cannons, sorcerers and everything in between.

Wissenland specialises in pikes and cannons and has a nice position for some early on choppa.

Reikland is shit and specialises in having the emperor and knights so they deserve a mention.

Ostland is perhaps my favourite imperial faction with nice spearmen and the eastern-most position which means tonsa orcs and Archaon and his niggas after Kislev is ashes. Oh yeah, you also have to deal with the twilight fags early on and their op as fuck blood knights.

Nordland has good archers if I remember right and specialises in getting raided and raiding in turn. Good position for some northern seaward expansion, as well as to the east against the jews of Marienburg. That also gets a huge dark elf invasion event.

The Twilight Faggots. Sylvania, home of the vampire counts. Good position for fighting everyone and some insanely op units such as necrachs and blood dragon knights. Lots of cute skeleton bros as well.

ITZ. I don't think the Orkz need any more introduction. Less dakka than 40k but lots more choppa.

And, finally, the russians. Khorne is the only Chaos god worth a damn. You also get bloodletters and cool-ass looking armor.


Vote will be closed tommorow or the day after, depending on how many votes I get.

 

[evdk]

Wanted to say Chaos, but Khorne is a faggot, so Kislev it is. PRAAG!

 

[Ulminati]

Did someone say MOTHERFUCKING BEAR CAVALRY?

Kislev or you are all faggots.

 

[Boris]

You are retarded.

 

[CaptainAwesome]

: x

 

[RK47]

: x

 

[Cassidy]

: x

Also, as a curiousity: what exactly is Serbia Greattst Countrey in Warhammer Fantasy? None of the sources in the Nets make it clear who or what rules the closest thing to the Balkans in the Old World. Orkz? Tomb Kings? Dorfs? Faggy Elves or are the "Balkans" of the Warhammer setting completely ruled by vampires as I'd imagine?

 

[Corporate_Jew_Master]

: x

Also, as a curiousity: what exactly is Serbia Greattst Countrey in Warhammer Fantasy? None of the sources in the Nets make it clear who or what rules the closest thing to the Balkans in the Old World. Orkz? Tomb Kings? Dorfs? Faggy Elves or are the "Balkans" of the Warhammer setting completely ruled by vampires as I'd imagine?

Don't think there is any. Vampire Counts are the doomdark vampire baronies of transylvania/romania/hungary, considering their proximity to the Empire aka HRE.

The only other europeans are the Tileans (Italians) and Estalia (Spain).

 

[Erebus]

Also, as a curiousity: what exactly is Serbia Greattst Countrey in Warhammer Fantasy? None of the sources in the Nets make it clear who or what rules the closest thing to the Balkans in the Old World. Orkz? Tomb Kings? Dorfs? Faggy Elves or are the "Balkans" of the Warhammer setting completely ruled by vampires as I'd imagine?

Skavens. Not sure which clan.

 

[RK47]

for real?

 

[Corporate_Jew_Master]

Also, as a curiousity: what exactly is Serbia Greattst Countrey in Warhammer Fantasy? None of the sources in the Nets make it clear who or what rules the closest thing to the Balkans in the Old World. Orkz? Tomb Kings? Dorfs? Faggy Elves or are the "Balkans" of the Warhammer setting completely ruled by vampires as I'd imagine?

Skavens. Not sure which clan.

Skaven are jews. All of their clans.

 

[kazgar]

Thought it would be the Border Princes or the Dwarves around Karak Eight Peaks?

 

[Baltika9]

Nah, Border Princes are the russkies of the setting (they even have a "Druzhina" unit, It doesn't get much more obvious than that) what with the whole "fractured, decentralized nation that fights itself as much as it fights foreigners."

 

[Corporate_Jew_Master]

"fractured, decentralized nation that fights itself as much as it fights foreigners."

You just defined Yugoslavia.

 

[Baltika9]

Or pre-unification Russia.

 

[Corporate_Jew_Master]

Trust me, I'd play Skaven if they were in this mod.

 

[Corporate_Jew_Master]

You are retarded.

I use free FRAPS. And with my multiple email accounts I never run out of photobucket space.

 

[eklektyk]

hmm so many delisious choices....what to pick...what to pick....

 

[Erebus]

You have cannons and sorcerers, daemons and skeletons led by necromantic vampire faggots, supreme faggot elves, less faggot elves

Some elves being less faggoty than others ? That sounds like the kind of absurdities Dark Elves players would tell each others in order to feel better about themselves.

 

[Corporate_Jew_Master]

You have cannons and sorcerers, daemons and skeletons led by necromantic vampire faggots, supreme faggot elves, less faggot elves

Some elves being less faggoty than others ? That sounds like the kind of absurdities Dark Elves players would tell each others in order to feel better about themselves.

They've Malus Darkblade, I rather like that fellow. Still hate all elves though.

 

[LusciousPear]

This video is highly appropriate.

 

[Corporate_Jew_Master]

There was a minor issue with crashes during turn 6. Found the fix but I have to re-download the whole thing and restart my campaign, so the first real update will come tommorow.

I will upload a couple of pics that I saved though and make a small introduction in a few. Better than nothing I guess.

 

[Corporate_Jew_Master]

PROLOGUE: LEGIONS OF POTATO

Skyway.mp3

To anyone who has watched/read With Fire and Sword Kislev will be seem like a carbon copy of that era. Same haircuts, same language, same names, same way of fighting, same everything. The only difference is the russians are mutated monsters that come down to rape everything every once in a while.

Our core unit will also be the ultimate potato warrior.

Winged Lancers are light cavalry with very high morale and a very high charge bonus. Their job will be to charge at the exposed flanks of the enemy line, then reform, then charge again until potato-skyway commonwealth triumphs or death claims them.

Our other core unit will be the Kossars, based on the Ukranian Cossacks who are once again called to fight for freedom against the invaders from the northeast. They are mainly missile troops, both mounted and on foot but are also very efficient in melee combat. When it's time for business to get close and personal they take out their axes and proceed to turn the russians into borscht.

Did I also mention that most of the soundtrack in the campaign and battle map when playing as Kislev is ripped off of With Fire and Sword? There is no better feel than watching your hussars LANCERS charge at an enemy from a great distance while potato battle music gloriously plays in the background.

And so, without further ado, to the first semi-update.

That's us. Despite using the Warcry submob, which gives the AI an even greater boost in money, morale and other sections I'll play on very hard in both campaign and battle map because any other choice would be popamole to the max.

First turn in the game informs us as to who the Chekists are. To anyone who knows what the Cheka were in real life this will prove to be most amusing.

After ordering the development of some infrastructure in our cities and building some watchtowers across the land to watch the movement of the chaos machete gangs it's time to end the turn.

Second turn and we receive the mission to reclaim some village lost to the machete gangs. Free units are always welcome so we begin gathering our brave potatoes.

ITZ COMING

The Tzar and his army, made up of 4 units of heavy axemen, two units of kossar foot archers and 5 alae of Winged Lancers lays siege to a beastman-held town that is rightful Kislev clay. The Tzar and his bros also ride polar bears and are absolute mayhem on the battlefield.

Meanwhile our second army marches from Praag to take the village specified in the mission. It's mostly made up of Ukranians that are more suited to open battlefields rather than the tight proximities of a siege.

Turn 3 and the Chekists spawn. They are perhaps the best light cavalry in the mod and absolute rape. Pashenko ain't much of a general but his men are extremely good.

Back in Kislev we recruit a number of jews to help us in setting up trade posts wherever there are trade goods on the map. The 5 of them will be worth around 1k gold per turn.

The Ukranians lay siege to Duskyka and are content with letting the defenders starve. In 2 turns they'll jump out and attack us.

Our last force marches from Erengrad to take the last valuable city in the area, Zoishenk. The Dark Twilights are close to it as well and it won't be long before our brave hussars LANCERS are gonna have to skewer some feggets for us.

Turn 4 and the jews begin to spread along the land in search of valuable trade goods and jewgold to fill the coffers of the motherland. Sadly no potato farm was found that day.

End of the turn and the race traitors in Duskyka march out to attack us.

Lots of russian-loving ukranians in that army too. Which is bad news because it's always a bother fighting cranked up missile troops in Warcry.


TO BATTLE
: x

Spoiler

The battle begins as our bear cavalry bravely surveys the field before them.

The hussars LANCERS are looking smart and glorious.

And this is the village of the race traitors, double russians and cetnik rascals. It's a bitch to take cos there is only one approach to the center and their fuckload of archers can pick us off as we ascend. Which is why we will wait for them to come out, since they are the attacker.

The race traitors start crowding the hill, making me wish I had a couple of mortars with me.

Their mounted archers start coming down the hill towards our lines.

Our own mounted ukranians engage them bravely, killing many but more reinforcements arrive as the race traitors struggle to defeat the defiant defenders of potato.
Thus our general and his bear cavalry charges while this begins to play.

POTATO.FLAC

The race traitors, struck dumb by the glory are routed and flee towards the safety of their village.

Meanwhile their archers, followed by their spearmen, start descending the hill and are met by a hail of arrow fire and angry bears charging at their flanks.

Then, as the glorious potato themes keep playing, the lancers furiously charge their other flank, killing many and keep advancing forward.

As the spearmen begin to trickle down the hill in a very crowded line, the mounted ukranians begin to fire upon them, safely out of the range of their pikes.

The lancers pursue the fleeing enemy, granting no mercy to the traitors of potato.

The archers are now all dead and only the spearmen remain who retreat up the steep hill, making a cavalry charge impossible.

Thus the ukranians are now ordered forward.

A hail of arrows starts to fall upon them, slaughtering them by the dozens as the ukranian marksmen put their ARMA skills to good use.

Soon they are all dead and potato has achieved a 10:1 K/D R.

After this great victory our depleted regiments are sent to Praag to be reinforced.

Our Imperial allies arrive from the south to the siege of Zoishenk. They probably tried to steal the town, but we beat 'em to it.

: x

And this is perhaps my favourite unit in the mod. Ostland Spearmen. Balls of motherfucking steel.

Down in Bolgasgrad we begin the recruitment of the first Streltsy regiments. They will prove really useful when ITZ comes knocking at our door.

Our jews set up their plots in foreign lands, proving that no goyim can outsmart them.

And the jewgold flows within the vaults of Potatoland.

Later than turn the beastmen surrender rather than come out and lock horns with our lancers, which makes me rather mad. I wanted to show you a good beastman fight.
Goat is removed from premises.

Turn 6 and the season fairground begins. It means lotsa jewgold for that turn and it happens once every 4 turns.

Since there is no need to retrain our troops from the siege of Pskov, the Tzar is joined by reinforcements and marches to the north to find more lands to conquer. 7 units of lancers are with him and there's no question that there'll be some glorious charges through fields of blood and potato.


And this is where my game crashed and where I had to re-download the whole thing. I'll restart my campaign and resume the LP from a close date, since the opening stages always end up being more or less the same.

 

[evdk]

Praag Strong!

 

[RK47]

Makes me wanna replay King Arthur. Heheh.