Agesilaus I still remember your character portrait from Ultima 7. (I just wrote and then deleted Final Fantasy 7. That's the default "7" game that comes to mind for me.) There was that forest kid who you had to go to so he could make a whistle or something for you. And during that scene, the kids gets embarrassed and turns away while he's making it, and at the time my 13-year-old mind imagined that the forest monkey kid was somehow using his thingy to make the whistle.
Why don't you share files via Google Drive or something?
Also, a choose your own adventure philosophy book? 300 pages? You might misremember how those books actually worked. They were absolute drivel, about 100 pages each (and a read-through might reach half of those pages), targeted at 12-year-old nerds. Do you have a target audience in mind? Are you hoping to make any money from this project? Planning to turn it into a VN maybe?
Google Drive seemed like too much of a bother, I figured there would just be some drag & drop website that would spit out a download link. Lesson learnt, but it worked out because now I have a lot of good advice and input both from here and elsewhere.
The target audience is anyone who has a strong interest in ancient greek and chinese philosophy, likes to discuss metaphysics, and likes to visit historical sites. Also, hates the current state of philosophy books churned out by modern academia. At minimum, this book should be a nice, quiet visit to a place where people enjoy talking about certain metaphysical/philosophical topics. You can engage with them, or you can just go to the canteen for lunch, walk outside and go to the gym, then retire to the guesthouse and go to sleep. For those who are especially interested in metaphysics, the book may be considered special because it puts forward a certain Eleatic/Parmenidean account of reality.
I will charge money for a printed copy of the book, you have to charge a certain amount for it to be printed by amazon. I am not intending to make a lot of money from the book. I might turn it into a VN if there is a lot of interest. However, I wrote it because it is an expression of my own philosophical beliefs, and I think there is an empty space for it to fill. People should still read the pre-socratic fragments and secondary source material, especially that which relates to the Eleatics, but here is something fresh for people to pick up that is unrelated to the endless mountains of drivel that comes out of western academia.
If you want to know the philosophy, skip to the "Boundaries of Coherence" bit at the end, which is where the reader is first smacked in the face with the truth about reality. Then they can either scuttle away to go get lunch, disagree with the speaker, or move on to the main exhibits. It then branches out from there, you can tell from the "Welcome Guide" that there are several different regions or zones in the book.
I'll do it, but don't get pissed off like many people do, it's subjective and I'm not a professional.
I want to make sure the writing is painless and clear, because there's another 300 pages of it.
I think it's clear from reading a couple of pages that you're going for a casual, easygoing style, but you have a tendency to use words that are more complicated than necessary. "Desired" instead of "wished for", "featured" instead of "came up", "unshackle yourself" instead of "break the chains". The easygoing style doesn't mesh well with the usage of words that you wouldn't use in a casual conversation. That said, it doesn't preclude usage of words that most people would have to look up in a dictionary. It makes writing more stimulating, sprinkle them around at the rate of one per page when you broach complicated subjects.
Don't reuse of the same words so close to each other, "signing up to online
communities, eagerly discussing planned
communities".
Don't use the 7 colors of the rainbow for description, unless it's necessary. "Red wall" is too simple of a descriptor.
Don't spend too many adjectives describing something trivial, e.g. "stands a plain, wooden table". Unless it's got intricate relief carvings or it's not made of an unusual material, not describing the table lets the reader assume that it's plain anyway. "Two men sit behind a table" should do it. Not "individuals", because you'd immediately know their gender.
You should add some character to the dialogue lines by the two monks. They obviously have strong feelings about tattoos (primitive tribal behavior) and piercings (self-mutilation), and this would seep into their dialogue lines. Especially since their next line is "let people know your thoughts", so they should do it too.
I stopped at page 4.
If you thought my feedback made sense, I'd like to encourage you to read the author who nails the style I think you were going for - Alexander Wales. Some of his stories are published for free on his website.
Thank you for the clear feedback, this is all good stuff. I agree I have to be more careful about reusing words close together, and some of the language choice can be more formal or complicated than might be expected. I posted this little excerpt specifically for the writing style to be critiqued, and I'm glad you sensed the style I want: "casual, easygoing". If the reader can just breeze through the words while still understanding what is being said, and not cringing at some awkward turn of phrase, then I'm pleased.
I will check out Alexander Wales, thanks.
Actually, if you guys are feeling generous with your time would you mind reading this pdf and giving feedback:
https://easyupload.io/4w9xba
It's the opening scene to the text. I want to make sure the writing is painless and clear, because there's another 300 pages of it.
Edit: ffs the site deleted it, had to re-upload elsewhere.
Oof 300 pages of that??
The lack of quote marks was distracting. After one page I did not really want to continue reading it TBH.
Lots of laboured language and a distracting "zen" vibe throughout.
The people have no character whatsoever in the dialogues. The imagery is boring and I did not feel like trying to imagine it.
I was expecting something far more interesting from a "mystic school of scholars".
I cannot really give much in the way of suggestions because I am not sure what you are going for here.
The lack of quote marks is what it is, can't win them all. The bulk of the text is dialogue, so it appears in regular font, and any descriptive or narrative text is given in italicised font.
Regarding this being a "mystic school of scholars", the presentation of their views begins with the "Boundaries of Coherence" section. That section should present the reader with a jarring account of metaphysics. Although there is a softer introduction in the "Welcome Guide", which is accessed via the inventory. If the Mystic Scholars are still boring or otherwise offensive to the reader, the reader can go grab lunch and explore other topics and areas.
At minimum, as mentioned above, I want the book to be like visiting a comfy, quiet historical site. Hello, welcome, here's some stuff we do here, have a bowl of soup, call it a night, please come again soon. For those with strong interest in philosophy, the adherents of the temple will probably contradict what you believe, and hopefully that will agitate the reader and make people think. I have a set of philosophical beliefs that are rooted in certain ancient works, and here is a little place everyone can visit to appreciate philosophy.
