A fair maiden, whose skin is white as snow, is in distress, chained over the dungeon walls. What should generic male hero do?
[CONSERVATIVE] Despair not, milady, for I have come to the rescue of the fairer sex! Now, just listen up, obey my orders while we make our way out and don't argue against the superiority of the male!
[CENTRIST] I better check the records. Maybe you are like, actually guilty enough to be here.
[LIBRUL] I will never rescue you! Whites are evil privileged people, and besides you're clearly cisgendered from how you look at me, so you deserve this! Besides, women like you are more than able to break out on their own without lowering themselves to plead for help of men in a clearly self-discriminatory and sexist way! Don't let misoginy cloud your escape plan and chances!
[LOLBERTARIAN] Nobody deserves to be locked up, let me get you out of here. This is exactly why all forms of security should be privatized. And don't forget: Ron Paul 2016!
[ANARCHIST] I will get you out of here and get the Man out of business! Abolish all Prisons! Fuck the Police!
[MARXIST] You'll work in a communal farm once we have escaped! You'll love the improvement in your life! But I will bring you out in chains just in case you are a counter-revolutionary.
[NEONAZI] Inspect the woman for Jewish and other degenerate untermensch facial features.
[NIHILIST] Fuck this shit, this is none of my business, nothing matters.
[AMORALIST] Rape is the only answer, and the forest of pussy isn't going to slurp itself.
