Kodex Kommunistic Kastle. Fortress. Dwarf Fortress.

[ERYFKRAD]

Oh good, a Grimwulf tale.

 

[tindrli]

Since im very talkative i would be a truly CODEXER Broker.

Anyway i would like a suggest some changes in our fortress. Every temple needs a secret passage and our is no exception. i suggest we dig one level maybe two and make those secret passages, we could even set an armory and some prison cells there

 

[Grimwulf]

14th Slate, 125, Mid-Spring
Storage Room
Late night

How long do we intend to keep on this pointless debate?

As long as it takes!

I rather like debating.

Might as well throw a coin and get this over with.

Coyun? Ye got coyun? GIB

We are getting distracted. Again. So far, we have agreed on just a single position, our chief medical dwarf.

Appreciate your trust, but try not to get ill. Just saying.

Trust? I wouldn't trust ya to wipe da sweat from mah foreskin.

Enough already!

Mercury's right.

I'm not--

HUSH! The time for discussions is over! Now it's time to vote. Redlabored needs a bookkeeper. I want to hear your votes and nothing else!

We've a lack of experienced dwarvish scribes. Suppose, I had best take the position. Books are made from trees. How different can it be? *grumbles under breath*

Naturally, I volunteer myself for this positions.

I dun't gib a lick. *spits*

I believe Grimwulf already has some bookkeeping skills.

What makes you think that?

I dunno. You kinda look like the type!

... Does he?

technical note

Organizer and Record Keeper are two different skills, sqeecoo!

Where's Tinder-Bee?

Working outside.

That dwarf is like the son I've always wanted but never had the right dwarf to plant the red seed into.

*half-whispering* Whaaat?

Would you excuse me for a moment? *leaves the storage room in haste*

NEXT VOTE. Sickest-Quota?

Really? It's been a whole month, and you still can't remember my name?

Slurpy-Vanguard?

Sukhavati.

Close enough.

*sigh* I'll leave it to whatever Grim feels is best. Whatever ends this nonsense meeting.

Another one abstained. Well, my vote goes for you.

Me? Don't you think I have better things to do?

This is getting nowhere. We have one vote for myself, one for Grimwulf, one for Azira, and one for Sukhavati.

I'm back! Just found our friend Tindrli outside, still working, cannot attend the meeting. But I've convinced him to write us a note at least. Here.

Spoiler

It's decided then! Azira is the bookkeeper from now on.

Never imagined I'd be so good at politics.

Dat note is suspishus.

Shut yer traps! Next on our agenda is the broker's positions. Cast your votes before I beat them out of you!

I vote for our glorious Kommissar!

Again?

Merchants will avoid Redlabored like the plague if we make Grimwulf do the trading. However, Sqeecoo has chit-chat skills. Plus, she'll optimistically misrepresent the colony to potential recruits.

If no dwarf is willing to handle the merchants, I'm ready to take one for the team.

Ye, let's gib all positions to the fekin' seriul kilah, wot could possibly go wrong?

Tindrli would disagree.

My vote goes for Merc. It was you who insisted on building a trade depot.

I got my hands full as it is!

Just like the rest of us.

I agree with Sak-- Suv-- Svartalf.

Are you serious, Grimwulf?

My vote goes for the deer-lovin' woodbender over there.

That leaves us with two votes for Merc and two votes for Azira. Kalin, are you going to cast your vote by any chance?

Cast dis *grabs crotch*

Some dwarf said they have a coin?

Sure. That's how elections work. *tosses a coin* Heads for Azira, tails for Merc.

*tries to catch the coin mid-air but stumbles* ffffffuuuu

Heads.

Even the Gods are on my side.

Remember, I want all counts to be precise.

Spoiler

NEXT. The manager of Angèrith.

Me and my friend Tindrli vote for Azira. If I'm appointed as the Manager, I'll be sure to prioritize the still.

Dat's it. Enuff is enuff. I am da manager! Vote KALIN, and there's gonna be babes! Hot babes! Bearded babes! Even undead babes! You prob won't even have to dress up as them.

Hate to admit it, but Kalin is the only one who has any experience managing a team.

Being the Captain of the Guards is not the same as organizing labor. Ugh. Grimwulf is the only decent choice, with Sqeecoo as distant runner up.

Thank you, Merc! So nice of you, brother! But my vote goes for Grimwulf.

Another tie. Two votes for Grimwulf, two votes for Kalin, and two votes for the only competent dwarf here in Redlabored.

Grimwulf hasn't voted yet. What say you, Kommissar? Take your time. It's an important decision.

I don't have time for babysitting. All I need from you incompetent drunkards is to execute my orders in a timely fashion. Azira seems to have a mouthful of new duties as it is, so--

Careful now, Kommissar. You are making a mistake.

Kalin is your manager from now on.

YES, BITCH! FUCKIN' NNNAILED IT! WOOOOOOOOO

This is going to be so, so bad.

Are we finally done here?

Aye. Enough politics for now.

Spoiler

Your offices will be waiting for you in the morning.

Spoiler

Awright, this meeting is officially over. Go to your beds, komrades. Tomorrow will be a hard day for all of us.

We don't have any beds, Kommissar.

That's because your manager is doing a shitty job.


15th Slate, 125, Mid-Spring
Kalin's Office

*sits on a shoddy wooden chair with his legs on top of the table* Ey! Somebody fetch me a drink! YA HEAR ME?! BRING ME SUM FARKIN' ALE!

*enters the room*

Heh, didn't expect da Kommissar to serve me drinks.

*drops a heap of papers on the table*

Da fuck is dis?

Your goddamn job.

Spoiler

There's more to come, so don't get comfy. The list is sorted by priority, with essential items being on the top.

Ugh. Ya mean da most important thing is a cabinet?

Aye. For me bedroom.

What in the motherfu--

But that's not all! I want the bridge finished; all our seeds planted; the wagon disassembled; our food stocks doubled. And above all else, I want that outpost finished. Every single facility must be fully functioning.

I ain't gettin' paid enuff for dis shit. I want my BONUS, and I want it NAW!

Get this done until Summer. I plan to start the construction of Angèrith in Summer, will need every single dwarf working on this project. I WILL NOT TOLERATE ANY DELAYS, Kalin! No excuses! Do your job, or I'll find a replacement and send your incompetent ass back to the mines!


Later that day
Azira's Office

*enters the room*

Didn't your mother teach you to knock on the door?

Ye don't have a door.

No surprise when you remember who is the manager of this place. What do you want, Kalin? I have work to do.

Why doncha work on DI--

Let's skip the crotch-grabbing, insult-throwing, and bonus-begging part. Get to the point.

Well, EXCUSE MY BALL-SHAKING ATTITUDE, ye cocksuckin' prick. Grim-fuckin'-Wulf gave me sum papers here--

Let me see. A bit demanding to be sure, but not outside the scope of realistic. You need to set up three or four additional carpenter's workshops above ground, closer to the wood stockpile.

Spoiler

Assign Sukhavati and Tindrli as carpenters. You and I will help them out too, once we're done with paperwork. I know, none of us have any previous carpenter's experience, but Grimwulf isn't asking for state-of-the-art furniture.

Wo--

As for the bridge, the smartest thing to do is place a small stockpile right beside the construction site. Once the builders get access to building materials, they will finish the task in no time.

Fu--

Crops and food - well, Sqeecoo can handle the job if you relieve her of other duties. No hauling, no building, no nothing. Let her focus on a single task. Finally, the w--

I DUN'T NEED YER FFFFFFARKIN' TIPS, AZIRA! I am da manager! ME!! KALIN, son of Kalin from Libadtekkud!

I thought... What did you want then?

Got wood?

What..? Oh. I see. Yes, Kalin. We got wood.

Spoiler

You call dat wood? I'll show you some real wood. *hand going for the crotch*

You don't want to do that. I know approximately 274 orchiectomy techniques. None of them pleasant.

Sqeecoo's diary

21st Slate, 125, Mid-Spring

Not sure if it was wise of Grimwulf to appoint Kalin as the manager. He is not doing great. And it's not like he's not trying - on the contrary, he's spending most of the day in Merc's workshop, just shouting and threatening poor Merc so that he works faster. Hmm. I wonder if there is a more efficient approach to resolving our problems?

Anyhow, the old llama is dead. Its meat is just laying on top of the horse meat. I keep telling Kalin it needs to be cooked, maybe smoked or salted, before it goes bad. He told me to "mind yer own fucking business ye noisy piece of" and something else along these lines.

Well, the meat is probably unedible at this point. And now we have flies on top of rats and lizards!

Not a good start of a fortress. Not a good start at all.

26th Slate, 125, Mid-Spring
Communal Dormitory

Spoiler

We don't have enough beds here.

Fuggin' Merc is too lazy. Imma kick his dwarven ass tomorrow.

No need. I can sleep on the ground.

Honestly, Kalin. It's been nearly two weeks since your appointment. Barely anything has changed since then, and some of our problems only got worse.

I'm TRYING TO SLEEP HERE, BITCH - go pester Grimwulf before I beat some frigin' DISCIPLINE into yer insubordinate dwarven butt! *keeps mumbling curses as he falls asleep*


5th Felsite, 125, Late Spring
Dining Room

Drinkin' again, Merc?

Give me a damn break, Kalin! If you think I'm the cause of our current sorry state then... Wait. Can you hear that... smell?

Prob Grimwulf farting, hue hue

No, it's... By the Gods, it smells PUTRID! It's coming from the butchery!

Spoiler

Meh, it's prob nuthin'. Git back to work, you whining pussy.

Sqeecoo's diary

9th Felsite, 125, Late Spring

Been trying to cook some food from what's left of our edible ingredients, but UGH, the STENCH in that kitchen! I can barely stand on my feet here.

Spoiler

If I tried to describe it, it would be spoiled meat, rotten hides, long-dead rats, and dwarven vomit. My vomit.

Haven't seen Grimwulf in weeks. He locked himself up in his quarters, drawing layout of Redlabored, only pausing for an occasional drink. "Occasional" might not be the word. More like he's drinking senseless. But if it helps him to come up with new ideas, I'm okay with it.

Can't wait to leave this forsaken outpost and move to a proper fortress at last.

17th Felsite, 125, Late Spring

I think I've managed to improve our food situation significantly, but we have no empty barrels for storage. So, not feeling very hopeful. The miasma is only getting worse.

Spoiler

I've hauled some rotten remains outside, but then Kalin saw it and started shouting, telling me to stop being useless and focus on the cooking. I asked how he is planning to prevent the miasma from spreading. He said, "not a biggie."

Can't say I'm feeling too excited right now.

Spoiler

25th Felsite, 125, Late Spring
Dining Room

AWRIGHT, dwarves, the temple is finished.

Spoiler

APPARENTLY, it takes several months to put a goddamn wooden table inside an empty room!

A masterwork wooden altar.

Since we have a temple now, I say we dedicate it to the one true God, Olon Wallrims the Blockaded Oars.

Do you worship Olon Wallrims? *laughs* The God of Pregnancy?

Spoiler

What are you laughing at? I've been waiting my whole life to GIVE BIRTH to a Kommunistic Paradise. Of course I worship the God of Pregnancy!

Like a true mother of Kommunism.

Olon Wallrims is also the God of Crafts and Creation. I worship him too.

No love for Anir Stanceright?

Spoiler

Oh, come on. We're here because the Kommissar managed to persuade Queen Bomrek to support this expedition. This whole endeavor might very well become the greatest poem of them all! Am I the only follower of Anir Stanceright? Anyone? Tindrli?

Uzol is my God.

Spoiler

Hrmph. It's not often you see a miner praying to the God of Metals. What's your story, Tindrli? Dreaming of becoming a great metalcrafter one day?

I don't have any dreams.

Leave the dwarf alone, Merc. Can't you see he's not in the mood for idle chit-chat?

Is he ever? Well, what about you, Azira? Care to tell us what Gods do you hold in particular regard?

It would be my pleasure, but... don't we have work to do?

I saw a carved figurine in Azira's office the other day. He is the follower of Shoduk. And so am I.

Ugh. What kind of sick bastard-dwarves are you? Shoduk the Simple Prairie of Raining? God of Depravity?

Spoiler

... But also of animals and plants?

I am a mechanic and engineer, Merc. Do you know how many times I was forced to come up with borderline insane solutions to make particular contraptions work? When I somehow complete the tasks which all other mechanics failed, I often think my mind must be depraved. A dwarf has to embrace her nature to be effective at anything.

*picks his nose while everyone's looking at Azira and Sukhavati in silence and disgust*

Sooooo. Kalin? What's your "opium"?

None of yer fuckin' business.

Can I make a guess? Hmm, you don't strike me as one who would follow craftsmen's Gods. Maybe... I don't even...

Fark off. *spits and leaves the room*

A dwarf prays to his God for aid. Kalin doesn't need to be aided in anything, except one thing he is entirely incapable of.

Look at him TALK all of a sudden!

Hold on, Merc. What are you saying, Tindrli? Who do you think Kalin worships?

Ecum Fairrighteous.

Spoiler

Can't imagine Kalin praying in his little office, asking Ecum Fairrighteous to grant the strength to let go of the past grudges. What an unlikely scene.

All that religious talk makes me want to repurpose our temple. Turn it into a workshop or something useful, Gods be damned. Get back to work, komrades! Move those short legs faster! GO!

B-but what about the temple?

I dedicate it to, hrmpf, no specific deity.

Spoiler

And I hereby name it Olrosat. The Muddy Chapel.

Spoiler

1st Hematite, 125, Early Summer
Kommissar's Quarters

Spoiler

Kalin. Azira. Report.

Our food stocks are sufficient to keep both dwarves and vermins well-fed for quite a while.

Spoiler

technical note

Meat, fish, and plants are used for cooking. Plants can be used for brewing as well. "Other" basically means prepared food.

However, we are getting low on drinks. I doubt we have enough booze to last us through the whole Summer. And if we'll have to resort to drinking water... Let's say it won't be pretty. And leave it at that.

Why are we not brewing anything?

'Cuz we don't have a brewer, genius.

Sort this shit out, Kalin! Assign someone to keep that still busy! Now. What about my previous orders?

Mostly done, bossman. Gib me mah bonas.

Mostly?

Mostly.

Spoiler

Hold on. I'm about to have a dwarven heart attack.

Buncha small things left. Will b dun in no time. Three months or so.

Wait for it...

Hoo needs wooden cups anyway? As if a dorf cannot drink from a barrel.

Wait for it...

Wheelbarrows? Puh-lease. Hauling shit wid yar own hands only makes ye strongar.

You could at least prioritize splints and crutches. What if someone breaks a limb? I wouldn't be surprised, considering all they do is haul furniture and drink.

Prioritize DIS *grabs crotch*

Wait for-- Alright, done. My heart just stopped for a moment. I would stay dead if it weren't for unfinished business here, namely, RIPPIN' YOUR FUCKING THROAT AND PULLIN' GUTS FROM YOUR BOOZE-FILLED INTESTINES! COME 'ERE YE GOBLINFUCKED PIECE OF--


Later that day

Are you done yet?

Got a few more... issues with Kalin.

You know where ta find me, "boss"

What's with the bridge?

Ready ta use.

It's a wooden plank hanging from a shoddy slope on our side of the river. You can't use it from the other side.

Spoiler

Ye, but ya CAN use it from our side, rite? Also, shut your trap, Azira.

Hospital?

Fully funkshinul.

Our "hospital" is one bed and nothing else.

Spoiler

So when I PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE, you can use it to sleep it off!

Seeds?

PLANTED.

Not according to my records.

Spoiler

This is pointless. You are the worst manager the dwarven race has ever seen, Kalin. I would replace your slothful stupid ass right here if it weren't for other matters demanding my attention.

I'm da manager. I wus elected fair and square! Fuck your replacements, Imma be in charge until you all die, gettid? *spits*

Forget all previous orders. They are now canceled. EXCEPT FOR THE BRIDGE, KALIN! MAKE ME THAT DAMN BRIDGE!

Fuck you. It will be done, tho.

Canceled orders? What's that supposed to mean?

It means we have wasted enough time building this outpost. Every single dwarf will work full-time on the construction of Angèrith from now on.

Cuntstructure is mah specialty. I'll go to my office naw to organize da thing.

FORGET your office, Kalin! Organizer my ass. Grab the pick and start DIGGING! We've wasted entire Spring doing JACK SHIT, but now it's all over! We shall build a fortress to surpass them all! A place of glory, hard labor, and absolute equality! A place where all dwarves are komrades! Manufactured according to the Unique Vision of the Kommissar, unquestioned by his loyal subordinates! Dwarves! BOTTLE BROTHERS! Let me show you Redlabored.

 

[tindrli]

This is great and i want more :D

 

[Grimwulf]

Updated the Red List with new names and avatars. Might have missed someone, so you'd better double-check it.

Grimwulf, do you have a list of people on the current roster?

Again, it's in the OP.

Anyway i would like a suggest some changes in our fortress.

It's just a temporary outpost, not a fortress. If everything goes as planned, we shall abandon this place soon enough, or maybe repurpose it for mushroom farms.

Shouldn't take long if the manager will be doing his job properly.

 

[Kalin]

Heheh! Das RITE! Respekt my authority!

Also ain't my fault I only git to manuge lazy gits.

Work harder, not smarter OK!

 

[Reinhardt]

This is going to be so, so bad.

 

[Storyfag]

Kommissar Grimwulf sir!

Please explain to me, a measly laydwarf, how much of the crazy that has already happened is due to you forgetting to micromanage stuff, how much is due to Kalin being a shit choice of managedwarf, and how much due to the game being just, ah, specific?

 

[Reinhardt]

Everything is shit because Kalin. Why do you even need to ask?

 

[Kalin]

me, a measly lady-dwarf

FIXT!

 

[Storyfag]

Everything is shit because Kalin. Why do you even need to ask?

Whaddya mean why? To know just HOW FAR should we reduce his bonus.

 

[Reinhardt]

Btw, Grimwulf i wanna be merchant if possible.

 

[Grimwulf]

Kommissar Grimwulf sir!

Please explain to me, a measly laydwarf, how much of the crazy that has already happened is due to you forgetting to micromanage stuff, how much is due to Kalin being a shit choice of managedwarf, and how much due to the game being just, ah, specific?

The game is indeed specific. Some of you could have noticed that in the previous update it took Azira 10 days to butcher a horse. I gave the order on 3rd Slate, but he only did it on 13th Slate. He had one job, dammit. The dwarves are like that - sometimes they are just not in the mood to do things. It takes time to drink, sleep, scratch ass and chit-chat.

In Dwarf Fortress you don't have direct control over the dwarves. You assign tasks and hope shit gets done. Each dwarf can be assigned specific professions, much like in Rimworld. Hauler, grower, butcher, carpenter, woodcrafter, etc. I'm using Dwarf Manipulator, a DFHack feature that lets you organize the dwarves via Rimworld-like UI.

Spoiler

AFAIK, most people use Dwarf Therapist plugin instead. Which is basically the same thing, but shows more numbers and info to make more efficient decisions.

Spoiler

Dwarves have over 160 professions. This is not a typo. Over 160, including weird stuff like Critical Thinker, Crutch-Walker, Glazer, Potash Maker, Keyboardist, Knapper, Biter, and so on.

Now, of course, I forget things quite often since I never play this game sober. This game is not supposed to be played sober. Howev
I NEVER FORGET A SINGLE THING, MY MICROMANAGEMENT SKILLS ARE UNSURPASSED TO THIS DAY, I AM YOUR GODDAMN KOMMISSAR!

I admit, appointing Kalin as the manager was a terrible miscalculation. What can I say, he is just too good at politics.

Btw, Grimwulf i wanna be merchant if possible.

You mean you wanna wait for a dwarf with Appraiser or Negotiator skills? We might never get one. They can be trained pretty fast via actual trading.

Or do you mean the position of broker? That is up for komrades to decide. Again, we shall hold elections on a semi-regular basis.

 

[Catacombs]

You mean you wanna wait for a dwarf with Appraiser or Negotiator skills? We might never get one

Traders usually appear relatively quickly, no?

 

[RoBoBOBR]

Appraiser is easily gained:
Your fortress's representative trader gains appraiser skill the first time the trading screen is opened for each caravan visit, but the item valuations in the Depot are determined by your broker's appraiser skill, not your fortress representative's. (You can, however, reassign the position of broker to your fortress representative to display item values at the depot.) Appraiser has no associated assignable labors. A good way to train another dwarf is to assign him as broker, make him go to the trade depot and (T)rade, exit and assign the "main" broker again and make him do the actual trading. This is a very effective way of training the skill, as simply opening the trade interface will instantly gain a completely inexperienced dwarf Skilled Appraiser, in the case of dwarf merchants. Don't expect the same gain when trading with elves, as they bring far fewer goods.

 

[Grimwulf]

Traders usually appear relatively quickly, no?

Migrant dwarves have random skillsets. You probably mean merchant caravans, and there is a whole bunch of factors affecting their frequency.

I doubt Reinhardt wanted to be a merchant caravan, though

Appraiser is easily gained:
Your fortress's representative trader gains appraiser skill the first time the trading screen is opened for each caravan visit, but the item valuations in the Depot are determined by your broker's appraiser skill, not your fortress representative's. (You can, however, reassign the position of broker to your fortress representative to display item values at the depot.) Appraiser has no associated assignable labors. A good way to train another dwarf is to assign him as broker, make him go to the trade depot and (T)rade, exit and assign the "main" broker again and make him do the actual trading. This is a very effective way of training the skill, as simply opening the trade interface will instantly gain a completely inexperienced dwarf Skilled Appraiser, in the case of dwarf merchants. Don't expect the same gain when trading with elves, as they bring far fewer goods.

This dwarf knows how DF works. And while this is correct, we won't practice such heresy here in Redlabored. In fact, the Kommissar is not inclined to do any trading at all.

There will be a lot of house rules, introduced as we go on. For instance, no atom smashing, not even for the sake of trash disposal. Many things I consider to be exploits are BANNED from using in this fortress. A lot of other non-cheaty features are banned just for the hell of it. And don't bother asking why. Maybe I like digital suffering. Maybe I hate myself. Maybe it is I who needs a dwarf therapist.

Spoiler

 

[Reinhardt]

You mean you wanna wait for a dwarf with Appraiser or Negotiator skills?

If something like this will come before my turn i call this one. If not - not.

 

[Reinhardt]

I doubt Reinhardt wanted to be a merchant caravan, though

HEY! I RP merchant caravans on daily basis.

 

[tindrli]

Are we gona get one more update today? i wonder what is happening now

 

[tindrli]

This dwarf knows how DF works. And while this is correct, we won't practice such heresy here in Redlabored. In fact, the Kommissar is not inclined to do any trading at all.

we can pretend that we are trading and lure the meat in. and then, well we can do all that we want

 

[Grimwulf]

Are we gona get one more update today?

Not a chance. It takes me around two days to write-up a single update. If I'm not distracted that is.

i wonder what is happening now

Spoiler

 

[hello friend]

Grimwulf any particular reason you use Dwarf Manipulator over Dwarf Therapist? Didn't even know Manipulator existed.

 

[Grimwulf]

Grimwulf any particular reason you use Dwarf Manipulator over Dwarf Therapist? Didn't even know Manipulator existed.

You can access Dwarf Manipulator from the game itself.

Spoiler

I have a habit of checking and double-checking current labor assignments constantly, so being able to do that without Alt-Tabbing to Dwarf Therapist is crucial for me.

 

[Catacombs]

Migrant dwarves have random skillsets. You probably mean merchant caravans, and there is a whole bunch of factors affecting their frequenc

Yup. I was thinking of merchant caravans!

 

[Azira]

Maybe it is I who needs a dwarf therapist.

As the Chief Medical Dwarf, I am your therapist. Tell me what ails you.