Completed Let's Battle for Dune! #12 Failure is death (finished)

[Multiple Sarcasm]

This LP is back, fuck yeah.



As for the deadlock...
A/5.

 

[Hellraiser]

The hivemind's decisions are as wise as they are inane.

Therefore B5 wins

 

[Malakal]

Ally with Ixians, now or later doesnt matter.

Bro the vote for allying with ixians was after the previous update and the hivemind decided that we will ally with them given the chance. Now you can vote for B5 if you want to make the alliance happen ASAP.

B5 it is then.

 

[Hellraiser]

Update 9: It is sophisticated and explosive.

Music: Robotix (dune 2000)

After much drama and inanity within the war-chamber the prestigious codex hivemind decides to strike at Gara Kulon.

Unfortunately due to an unforseen strike of major derp the Harkonnen reserves from the south are ordered to start the assault.

This means they won't be in position to lead the assault on the main Ordos stronghold should that be the next target of House Harkonnen.

: You are to assist the Ixians by any means necessary. Their technology may prove very useful in establishing House Harkonnen rule over the known universe.

: Greetings beings serving House Harkonnen. Our field tests are stalled by by a critical lack of vital supplies. We request that you solve this logistical conundrum for us.

: Remember that you are talking to representatives of House Harkonnen, the future rulers of the Imperium!

: My apologies mentat but our research is at a critical stage and we cannot waste vital time on pointless pleasantries. Assist us and we will support your military campaign with our scientific expertise.

: The Baron demands that you help them, perhaps after that he will demand that you teach them some manners.

The Ordos try to assault our base but we send them a healthy dose of inkvine incline which makes them reconsider.

They went after our harvester but its driver decided to just run them over instead of calling for backup

WHAT

THE

FUCK?!

Fremen bikers? Seriously westwood.

Although now that I think about it I could use this to smite some ragheads if I reacted faster

: We require nutrients and machine components not bodyguards Harkonnen.

: Having Harkonnen soldiers as guards is an honor not an insult Ixian!

: I am merely clarifying our requirements.

The first supply sandcrawler has been dispatched.

Fortunately it wasn't sent too early because the Ordos started to advance into our spice field cutting off the path to the Ixian just minutes later.

A laser tank strike team is spotted splitting off from the Cobras and heading towards the Ixian compound.

: Bring us more supplies Harkonnen.

: Pray that you do not get on the Baron's bad side Ixian.

: Remember that allying with the Ixians is imperative Commander. If they want those supplies you will deliver them in one piece.

: May I suggest airlifting the next supply transport? For a house that has mastered the secrets of machinery the sandcrawlers they build are rather slow.

Another attack by the inferior Ordos. They can feel the noose tightening around their neck.

Reinforcements are sent so that the Ixians can feel safer while violating the great convention with computer research.

They arrive just in time to kill more Ordos.

Cleve Gholas in devastators are deployed and a palace is erected, the Ordos will not be present in this region for much longer.

It's a bomb JC!

The brave Harkonnen carryall pilot, having no previous bomb disposal experience, is clearly the best man for the job.

: Did you just let Ordos engineers sabotage my Palace commander?! Another failure like that and I will whip you with inkvine myself!

: Cowardly Ordos! Slay them for their treachery!

Time to punish some Ordos dogs.

: First you betray the Tleilaxu and now you aid the Ixians? Your interfere is merely a minor annoyance Harkonnen serpent.

: Ah the Tleilaxu abomination rears it's ugly head once again. Come closer I will gladly make you a guest of honor at my private torture chambers.

: You would be amusing if you were not so banal. You fail to grasp how insignificant your shitty campaign is in the grand scheme of things.

: Commander capture this tleilaxu dog alive!

Cleve Gholas are dropped at the southern entrance to defend against the incoming tleilaxu abominations.

: Stop running and fight like a man, woman or whatever the hell you are you bloody abomination!

Fortunately the devastators in the north should be able to cutoff the tleilaxu.

GET AWAY FROM MY FUCKING PALACE YOU SHIT-EATING SODOMITES!

: I expected much more of a challenge really.

: Do not think you will win this war corpse-worshipper!

: Manboons at 12 o'clock!

After successfully cutting the red, green, blue, yellow and pink wires the pilot successfully disarms the bomb.

: Yes, yes, yes it is as we requested. You will be contacted by my superior, now leave us alone to our research.

: His superior better be more grateful than him. For both his and his entire planet's sake.

Time to send in the Cleves!

: Your mere existence is an insult to Baron!

: Resist harder subhuman scum!

: This planet and its spice belong to the Baron! I will not allow you to steal His property!

: Greetings Harkonnen, my name is Lyric Suite and I represent the scientific, political and mercantile interests of House Ix on Arrakis.

: I see that unlike your subordinate you adhere to proper protocol when referring to the representatives of your future Emperor.

: You must pardon his social ineptness, for years he has been enslaved by the greedy merchants of CHOAM. Fearing that he might be cannibalized by them at any moment has traumatized him greatly.

: A terrifying story indeed Lyric Suite.

: Unfortunately such things happen when the white man lets inferior races breed exponentially and seize control of the economy of the Imperium.

: Care to explain what do these devices do Ixian?

: Why yes my lord Baron. These are infiltrators, using the most advanced optical camouflage available they can sneak past enemy forces. They are remotely controlled and should you deem it necessary they will explode after a brief arming sequence which exposes their presence.

: Fascinating.

: Please consider these a gift, I believe you will find them most useful unlike say women in politics or out of the kitchen for that matter.

Time to put these gadgets to the test.

Why did we bother with that tleilaxu biotech nonsense again?

: The heritage of Mark Cleveland Blakemore will reign supreme on the field of battle!

With the massive advantage in reinforcements we had we could not lose.

Continued in next post...

 

[Hellraiser]

The Duke begs his soldier to bring him some Ordos scraps. Surprisingly they succeed IIRC.

DEATH BEFORE DEFEAT! THEY WILL NOT RETAKE THE NEWEST CONQUEST OF HOUSE HARKONNEN!

: To further strengthen our partnership against the Ordos, Tleilaxu, Bene Gesserist and CHOAM I present to you a small token of our loyalty. May you use it to kill those stupid enough to use women as their mentats.

: These are projector tanks my Lord Baron. They are armed with a machine gun but their real strength is their unique Ixian projection module.

: And how will that help me in my conquest?

: You see not only are the projections very life like but they also mimic the weapon of unit they are based on. To put it bluntly they deal as much damage as the original but have the unfortunate flaw of dissipating when hit with enemy fire or if an enemy is close.

: They can kill? How is that possible?!

: That my Lord Baron is an Ixian trade secret. Please feel free to test them out.

Unfortunately our infiltrator task-force doesn't find the enemy outpost where I expected it to be.

Finally the Ordos base is located. The projector tanks are setup.

BTW our infiltrators just arrived at its location.

The first group heavily damages but does not destroy the Ordos construction yard.

Fortunately the infiltrators held in reserve finish the job.

Another one demolishes the factory. The Ordos offensive is now severely crippled.

Due to the Ordos fielding a lot of infantry flame tank projections are projected to deal with it.

: Amusing but not as useful as I have expected.

: Perhaps a different unit projection might be more suited for the task, something with more range for example?

: There is something odd happening with one of your convoys Ixian, are they having communication difficulties?

: Strange, our superior communication technology is flawless, this must be the result of sabotage.

: As you can see Lyric Suite your banal Ixian engineering is rather inferior to what nature offers humanity.

: At least we keep subhumans and abominations like you away from ruining the genetic magnificence of the white man!

Fucking Tleilaxu!

A missile tank? Why yes this will prove useful.

Popamole? Most definitely but the Ordos offensive is dying a slow agonizing death anyway so speeding it up will actually be merciful.

The Ordos Barracks are down. Holographic projectiles are deadly, just ask the borg.

The best troopers House Harkonnen can offer are sent to end the Tleilaxu threat.

: Inferior technology! Man can achieve far more without working within the constraints of biological nature.

Hopefully that is all of them...

..or not.

We need more men!

Much better.

Goddamn axlotl tanks going all Chinese with mass producing those damn abominations!

: Make no mistake my loss here is a mere setback, I will achieve my goals regardless of your banal interference.

: Well done Commander! There are no more Tleilaxu within Gara Kulon!

Time to finish this.

Holographic inkvine incline is still .

: I cannot stand around idly Commander! I will aid you in mopping up these pests.

VOTING TI..

Fuck that it was a near tie so I decided to go for the Ordos Arrakian HQ next to keep both sides of the vote happy butthurt.

PREPARE FOR MASSIVE INCLINE AS WE ELIMINATE THE ORDOS PRESENCE ON ARRAKIS IN THE NEXT UPDATE BROS!

 

[Ulminati]

 

[DwarvenFood]

Hmm you had almost the same losses in men as the enemy, yet it gave you a 100% efficiency ? Strange calculations..

Also, thanks for the update, go for the Ordos!!

 

[Sceptic]

Baklawa Flats? Seriously?

Hmm you had almost the same losses in men as the enemy, yet it gave you a 100% efficiency ? Strange calculations..

Also, difficulty was supposed to be 5% yet it seemed like a more difficult mission than previous ones with higher precentage. Not sure how the game does any of its calculations.

This is definitely more fun than playing the damn thing though

 

[Hellraiser]

To be honest I have no fucking idea how westwood calculated score/efficiency/whatever in any of their RTS games. The difficulty rating is also highly misleading, it is based partially on the number of reinforcements you receive compared to the enemy which is why some of the previous missions where we moved deep into Ordos territory had such high difficulty ratings.

Overall the Ordos in this update were a complete pushover compared to the previous ones because they didn't get 3+ reinforcement forces full of Cobras every few minutes for free.

 

[Kashmir Slippers]

Victory or Death!

 

[Hellraiser]

Update 10: Assault on the Polar Fortress.

Music: Tribute to Evil

It is obvious that the very existence of these Ordos dogs cannot be tolerated. Arrakis must be purged of them and what better way is there to kill the Ordos snake than cutting off it's head?

Their Command Center located on the polar ice cap needs to be burned down, the Baron wouldn't be pleased with any other outcome of this assault.

: I assume the preparations for our final offensive are complete?

: Of course my Lord Baron. Our commander has ordered our forces to strike at their man base of operations here on Arrakis.

: What of our allies? Are they also prepared?

: The Sardaukar are ready to die for their future emperor my Lord Baron.

: As promised you will have as many ixian machines on the field as you deem necessary Baron.

: Let it be known then that it is here and now that the fate of house Ordos has been sealed. They will be butchered liked all enemies of House Harkonnen!

: We have established a forward base, from here we will purge the Ordos and bring glory to our future Emperor Gunseng Harkonnen!

Our assault on the vile Ordos stronghold is spearheaded by a bunch of pyromaniacs and missile troopers. Unfortunately the Sardaukar are on the other side of the map.

Oh and FYI I didn't show the briefing screen because it contained a spoiler and some other shit that is very unharkonnen which you will find out about in a moment.

: Commander our outpost has just sighted several Ordos air units on approach vector.

: Surely the Commander can swat these flies with ease mentat?

: Attention harkonnen soldiers! House Ordos still offers you a chance to join us and get sufficiently compensated for your service.

: Look at these inferior savages, they made a woman a mentat! How truly ridiculous!

: The destruction of house harkonenn and all of its allies is certain because it is our imperative. Join us now or be obliterated.

: Talking nonsense like a typical woman, go back to the kitchen and leave the warfare to men.

: Well I never quite liked that particular building anyway. Next time shoot more accurately men or I will whip you myself at the end of the day.

This is one of the reasons why I didn't show the briefing screen. You see the moment you attack one of the houses center of operations it makes the fremen or sardaukar instantly ally with you because they deem you worthy of their support.
However it goes against the glorious ways of House Harkonnen to allow these smelly ragheads to fight for us so for LARPing faggotry purposes this shall be ignored in this LP. Also it is a fucking of C&C potential this game might have had.

Scouts find some abandoned ixian devices in the desert and on the glacier.

They have also located the entrance to the Ordos stronghold.

: As you can see Harkonnen we have ways to dispose of your forces in a highly efficient manner. Your destruction is the only probable outcome.

: You know what Commander? I think I may need a new pet for my torture chamber. Bring her to me alive.



That is the Chaos Lighting the Ordos superweapon, it makes your units attack random targets for a moment. It is a lot more useful than than the Atreides one and can be quite obnoxious. As you can see all but one Sardaukar died because of it.

: I trust that you know what you have to do with this mockery of a building the Ordos call a palace Commander?

: Ordos forces are trying to flank you position Commander, crush them.

Need some powertools?

A few missile troopers are sent to reinforce the Sardaukar outpost, they should be sufficient to repel the pitiful Ordos atacks.

: Our facility is fully operational Commander.

: You had your chance to accept our generous offer. You rejected it so now you will face the only alternative termination.

: It is truly astonishing that the Ordos actually listen to her. It is madness I tell you!

: That was just a highly improbable but acceptable loss. The odds are still against you.

: Death to the Ordos! Victory for the Baron!

Fucking chaos lighting again!

: Ah the Ordos dogs think they are a match for the Imperium's finest? How foolish of them. KILL THEM ALL!

: Nothing beats the steady aim of a Sardaukar officer armed with a lasgun.

: Men! They have fought until the very end like true Sardaukar and gentlemen, let that be a lesson to all of you!

It looks like the Ordos will overwhelm the Sardaukar base.

: That was the only possible outcome Sardaukar. You should have joined forces with House Ordos when you had your chance.

: Your soldiers fight without skill or discipline, they are no match for us.

: I hope you will remember that when the new Ordos Emperor ascends to the Golden Lion Throne.

: Devastator squad ready for orders. Point us at a target and we will kill it for the Baron.

Continued in next post...

 

[Hellraiser]

: I see that the Ordos are as weak as they have always been. Do not prolong this farce, end this quick.

At the very least it barely missed the devastator and the one lifted by the carryall has not been dropped yet.

Insidious sodomites! They dropped a Cobra in our MAJESTIC fortress and kidnapped a flamethrower tank!

After crushing that obnoxious Cobra the Cleves and missile tanks are sent to deal with more pathetic Ordos scum.

: 1.[intelligence] Attempt to surface near the source of the vibrations and eat it.

: [FAILURE] HERP DERP DERP!

BTW here's what attracted the sandworm to this location

: All enemies of the Baron will die in agony!

This shit is too close to getting ready to fire.

: The loss of that palace is as acceptable as your death is certain Harkonnen.

No more chaos lighting strikes for you frigid bitch.

: Your assault is inefficient and thus doomed to fail.

: I will enjoy burning your city to the ground Ordos dogs!

: This is impossible! They have breached the gates!

: Victory is your imperative. Failure is not an option mentat.

: Their resistance is pathetic but it is expected of Ordos untermensch.

: Our brothers have failed but we shall not yield before the manboons.

[perception] They seem to be sending a ton of infantry from the west we better check that out.

Reinforcements have landed but not until over half of the initial force fell to attrition.

A barracks? This explains where all this cannon fodder is coming from.

[perception] And another one.

[intelligence] This must be the main Ordos infantry training ground on Arrakis.

: NO! This cannot be.

: You will evacuate mentat. That is your directive.

: Do not let her escape!

: These manboons are clearly a sign of the decline the Ordos try to bring to humanity.

: Our new encampment is ready. Soon the Imperium's finest will crush the Ordos for slaying our brothers in arms.

: Their inferior combat prowess is their weakness men! Show them what the Sardaukar can really do in battle!

[perception] Yet another barracks.

The Ordos are crushed! So what shall House Harkonnen do next?

I will give you a hint...

 

[Majestic47]

Finally.

 

[DwarvenFood]

I choose alpha but I have no clue what you're doing there.

Thanks for another update. Don't forget Dungeon Keeper.

 

[Hellraiser]

I choose alpha but I have no clue what you're doing there.

Thanks for another update. Don't forget Dungeon Keeper.

That image is merely a hint of what the next update will be about.

 

[Hellraiser]

Minor status update bros.

The next mission is proving to be mind-numbingly difficult even when using the cheesiest of tactics. Well I'm not using the most cheesy one of them all because that would mean I would have to use them fremen ragheads which the prestigious hivemind voted against. And that would be a bioware-level fake choice without consequences bullshit.

The amount of bullshit AI cheating could kill a lesser bro but I will persevere and deliver the update eventually.

 

[Hellraiser]

Need to bump this bitch to the next page. Hold on a second.

 

[Hellraiser]

Bumping in progress.

 

[Hellraiser]

Would have been easier if you lot posted more after the last 2 updates

 

[Hellraiser]

Bumping again.

 

[Hellraiser]

Damn it how many posts per page is it again...

 

[Hellraiser]

Bump for the bump god.

 

[Hellraiser]

bumping....

 

[Hellraiser]

DU will hate me for this bump spam...

 

[Hellraiser]

I hope this is the last fucking one.