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Let's LARP the Emperor's Finest - a wh40k IF

Discussion in 'Choose Your Own Adventure Land' started by Holy Cow, Jun 22, 2012.

  1. oscar Prestigious Gentleman Arcane

    oscar
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    Saddest thing is that it makes sense as well. Holt's not the kind of guy who wants a sycophant. We would have had a nice promotion as well instead of leading a suicide charge if we'd taken the offer..
     
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  2. Jick Magger Arcane Patron

    Jick Magger
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    PC RPG Website of the Year, 2015 Serpent in the Staglands Shadorwun: Hong Kong Divinity: Original Sin 2 Bubbles In Memoria
    2, I've got a sinking feeling that if we try to go AWOL, Commissar Holt will personally hunt us down and have us pimped out as his personal servitor. I suppose this is what we get for trying to brown-nose him.
     
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  3. Quetzacoatl Liturgist

    Quetzacoatl
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    The Emprah/root favors us!
     
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  4. Kayerts Arcane

    Kayerts
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    I don't know what you bros mean by this talk of our plan backfiring. There is no greater honor than to die in the service of the Emperor. And it looks like where we're headed, there's going to be honor out the ass.

    2
     
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  5. Excidium P. banal

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    2) IT IS THE ENEMY THAT WILL TASTE DEATH AND DEFEAT!
     
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  6. eklektyk Erudite

    eklektyk
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    all acording to plan:smug:
     
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  7. Jaedar Arcane Patron

    Jaedar
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    Project: Eternity Shadorwun: Hong Kong Divinity: Original Sin 2 Pathfinder: Kingmaker
    Ours is but to do and die.
    2

    Glory to the first man to die!
     
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  8. Ulminati Kamelåså! Patron

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    Serves you bitches right. "OMG HOLT SQUEE! CAN I BE YOUR BUTTBOY!?"

    1. So far we've been a paper-pushing limp-wristed faggot sissy. May we well stay true to the previous choices.

    Considering you blew your chance to get onthe commissars good side and the men lost respect for a paper-pushing sissy 2 updates ago, let me tell you how 2 is going to end: Spectacular failure, humiliation and if you somehow survive, holt will shoot you.

    But hey, at least we had time to prepare and have an ace up our slee--- oh, wait. No we pushed papers. Well, at least we're a commanding officer whom the men respe-- oh, wait. they don't anymore. Well, maybe we get to bone the commissa--- right, she hates our guts. Well, at least our guys are specialists in assasulting trenche--- nope.
     
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  9. Commissar Draco Codexia Comrade Colonel Commissar Patron

    Commissar Draco
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    Divinity: Original Sin Project: Eternity Torment: Tides of Numenera Wasteland 2 Divinity: Original Sin 2
    :lol: Missed the lost update, and :codexisfor:landed me in Adeptus Kitchenus... If I knew I would vote for some pussy to play with... OK we had chance for promotion or play two commisars gaining either nice commissar pussy to bone or friendship of THE HOLT..... LORD COMMISSAR HOLT and we choose to be asslickers instead. Now Manginas there's only way to regain our balls and honor:

    2 ONWARD! Through STEEL AND FIRE! EMPEEEEROR PROTEEEECTS!!!!!

    [​IMG]
    GLOORY FOR THE FIRST MAN TO DIE! FOR CADIA ARMAGEDON!
     
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  10. Azael Magister

    Azael
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    It's better do die for the Emperor than to live for yourself.
     
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  11. Ulminati Kamelåså! Patron

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    Let's recap our previous choices:

    1: Ork head, officer and killed quartermaster.
    - Now, killing the quartermaster was accordign to root pretty goddamn dumb. We might've gotten away with it if we weren't an officer, since being made quartermaster then would effectively be a promition. It still got us blown up though.
    - Nob head as our war trophy means we're likely fighting orks. This is A Good Thing. Of all the possible enemies, Orks are the ones guardmen are most likely to survive against.
    - Officer is kind of neutral at this point. If we were an officer we shouldn't have killed the quartermaster though.

    1/3 here. Bad decision overall.

    2: Armageddon steel legion
    They have valuable experience against orks, who we are likely to face due to choice #1. they also don't do trench warfare at all, which is what we're doing atm.

    1/2 here. Could be better, could be worse.

    3: Male, Adeptus Kitchenus
    Right, here's where the ball is finally and irrevocably dropped.
    1) We know the Commissar is a SoB, which by extension means she's a giant Rugmuncher. she's also described as petty and vain.
    2) We know someone - presumably Derp Korps - is coming, so we're under a time limit to Get Shit Done
    3) We're an officer, so we are likely to end up leading troops at some point
    - If we want to have any chance of getting anything out of the commissar, we have 2 options. We can either throw her a bone (not a boner) by picking option 3, or we can appeal to her bond of Estrogen by picking a.
    - If we want to have any chance of salvaging shit before derp korps shows up, we must avoid option 1 at all costs, since it'll fast-forward and all we'll gain is a reputation for being a sissy, limp-wristed faggot
    - Option 2 is probably better than option 3 with the men, since we can take full credit for any success.
    Looking at the above, female+2 is optimal (respect with men, respect with commissar). If we go male, we should pick option 3 to keep the commissar - who is obviously a recurring character - mollified by throwing her a bone. Picking option 1 is dumb as it loses us respect with everyone. If we MUST be retards and pick adeptus kitchenus, we should go female for sympathy points with commissar.

    0/3 - Major catastrophe.

    4: Browwnose Commissar Holt
    Yeah. that's totally going to work. Way to gigglesquee cockdex.
    At this point we're destined for the suicide mission regardless. The difference is what the options would give us:
    1) Would've let us get in good with the commander. the paper shield of "we were following orders" wouldn't have protected us from Holt, but he'd be less "karma's a bitch, huh?" about it.
    2) Isn't going to work against a walking plot device. As an added bonus, we earn a reputation of being a backstabbing weasel on top of the respect we lost from adeptus kitchenus. Even if we survive, our new commander is likely to hold a grudge.
    3) would get us BLAM!'d. Reset button.

    And now we're at 5.
    We have 2 options. We can either
    1) Get our men killed in a charge for glory. Shoot SoB commissar. Have desperate, unfulfilling sex with her corpse. run off and join a rogue trader. 50/50 split between odds of soft reset and getting BLAM!'d.
    2) Go on a suicide mission, with a commissar that hates us and men that don't respect us. Even if we somehow survive, we're going back to a Holt that is entirely unimpressed and a commanding officer who also hates us. Worst of all worlds. Way to fuck up codex.

    So there you have it. You can choose to suddenly decide for glory, even though you're Weasel McLimpdick the faggot who failed every choice so far, or you can stay in-character and see just how far into depravity we can sink. Trying for glory will inevitably result in your dismal failure and everyone laughing at you and telling you how much you suck. then you get BLAM'd. Because you picked EVERY SINGLE CHOICE that would make the suicide mission fail so far.
     
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  12. Ulminati Kamelåså! Patron

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    Ah, preempted by root. Oh well. Enjoy your decline.
     
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  13. Zero Credibility Arcane

    Zero Credibility
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    Well, we're boned.

    Edit: WTF?

    Ok, voting 2)
     
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  14. Ulminati Kamelåså! Patron

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    Hey, I liked that update Root. Besides, all the survivors were male. Desperate, unfulfilling sex with the commissars corpse in the near future was increasingly likely.
     
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  15. Commissar Draco Codexia Comrade Colonel Commissar Patron

    Commissar Draco
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    First "your graduation from Military Academy" and then You’re clueless as to how (act as Officer)? :?
    I know we should take the 2 and act as His Emperor's Own Guard Officer for a change.... but before we all die horribly or worse we can try to bone the Commissar bitch... if she is ex Sororitas she can be usefall in battle after all.... more than the rest of wankers.
    Besides the ''good ending'' is spoiled by Adeptus Kitchenus and snitching options.... Sex with Commissar corpse is all we can got.... time for some C&C M:manginas.
     
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  16. Azael Magister

    Azael
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    Obviously, Twitch should be sent unseen behind enemy lines and then blown up instantly due to not actually be as hidden as he thinks, Ziggs will then miss his big bomb because he can't aim for shit.

    I'm going to go with 3 here, it's obvious that the men left don't respect us at all and the same is true for the commissar We will get respect when we earn it through actual actions in the field, not by posing and/or brown nosing.

    EDIT: On hold for now.
     
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  17. ironyuri Guest

    ironyuri
    Voting 2 because it's time these faggots tasted some C&C.
     
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  18. Darth Roxor Prestigious Gentleman Wielder of the Huegpenis

    Darth Roxor
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    There is no time to be lost.

    Brothers in arms! Guardsmen! Today the enemy is in our trench. We know our duty and we will do it. We fight for our honour, as Steel Legion, as Imperial Guardsmen, and we fight in the name of the Emperor.

    If we die this day, we die in glory. We die heroes' deaths! But we shall not die, no, it is the enemy who will taste death and defeat!

    As you know, most of our brothers in arms are stationed in bunkers, prepared to suicide rush! Our perimeter has been prepared in the event that our enemies would be so bold and so foolish. We have placed numerous trenches, allowing for multiple, simultaneous and devastating defensive human waves.

    The Tactica Imperialis calls this manoeuvre Bumrush. We will charge into the foe, we will overwhelm them, we will leave none alive! Meanwhile, our bunker forces will assure the full defence of our headquarters.

    We are the Imperial Guard! We are the Emprah's Fureh!

    2
     
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  19. Ulminati Kamelåså! Patron

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    BLAM!™ the commissar. Rape corpse. Pass it around to the men afterwards. Nothing like bonding over shared corruption points. The survivors were all scum of the earth. They aren't going to be choosy when it comes to trench pussy.
     
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  20. lightbane Arcane

    lightbane
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    OH well, that was a short LP. The Codex cannot into wh40k. There's only one option left: 2. Charge, die and hope our MC is reincarnated into something better.
     
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  21. Omicron Scholar

    Omicron
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  22. Ulminati Kamelåså! Patron

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    So the Codex cannot into Pathfiinder, 40K or World of Darkness. What will we fail at next? Mouse Guard?
     
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  23. Kayerts Arcane

    Kayerts
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    A rousing speech, Lord Cypher Roxoros. But I believe this veritable rain of Steel Legionnaires that you propose has a different name.

    All valid points, but the title of the thread isn't "Let's play strategically through a 40K IF." Making character background decisions based on what we think would be useful in our particular predicament ("man, you know what would be handy right now? ovaries!") doesn't seem to jive with what root's going for. A large part of the appeal of a 40K RPG is in how horribly fucked up the world and everything in it is, so avoiding those situations from the onset seems self-defeating.
     
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