In Progress Let's Play Legend of Cao Cao.

[Cool name]

Chapter 11.

The Emperor does not exercise enough; Yuan Shao is dumb; The Cacao Rangers are badass; Fufufufu!






Scene 1. Run Xian Run!

Spoiler

Iceburn.

Iceburn combo!

That moment when you realize you are little more than a glorified McGuffin.

Scene 2. Our royal feet are ouchie ouchie.

Spoiler

As you will soon see Li Jue and Guo Si's army is a joke.

:lubu:

In the novel the Emperor's escape is full of drama, tension, heroic sacrifice, and the like but my hands are ouchie ouchie so read the bleeping book.

Scene 3. Yuan Shao is dumb.

Spoiler

They are all, uhm... Hiding! Yes, hiding! Out of respect for His Majesty and the person of his royal messenger, of course. They are, say, very proper bandits.

Bleeps to give: None.

Scene 4. Cao Cao is Nyahahaha.

Spoiler

Fufufufu!

Fufufufu!

<Airquotes> Save </airquotes>

Scene 5. Stuffies and thingies.

Spoiler

Well, you can let the boss have the Emperor and you can keep his most fabulous strategist for yourself instead! :D

No?

Way too much build up for this bunch of losers.

:lubu:

Someone usually very smart just kind of missed the subtext of the Cacao Rangers rushing in to save the Emperor just because the Emperor is as useful as our hostage as it is dangerous as theirs.

How does that reflects on our character?

Fufufufu!

Anyway, I give Lu Bu's bow to Yu Jin and then deploy. We will be taking everyone with us.

Scene 6. The Emperor does not even protects himself.

Spoiler

It is interesting to point that when they talk about 'the world' in this kind of context they usually kind of mean the idea of 'everything under heaven.' While in theory the Emperor was the ruler of the entire world by virtue of being the son of heaven in practice it kind of means 'the empire' more often than not. I.E: Neither Cao Cao nor Li Jue give a flying fuck about 'the world.' They just want 'the empire.'

It is not until the end of the second turn and beginning of the third turn that both our vanguard and evil dudes' own reach the Emperor, whose pathetically weak guard is no match at all for the evil dudes' forces.

Before the field becomes a slaughterhouse for evil dudes The Cao meets The Emperor.

At the end of the mission you will get a special reward based on the choice you make here. The first choice will give us a nice piece of armor with immunity to critical hits. The second choice will give us a sword with, uhm, something. I don't really remember. I am a turtle among turtles so I always pick the armor.

Evil dudes' vanguard finishes the Emperor's guard in no time.

Then it is our turn to start smacking dudes. By now both of our Strategists have Earth and, I believe, Water as well as Fire, which is good because Fire does not work in mountains. Earth does.

It goes pretty well, but it's not that big of an achievement. This battle is easy as bleep. Even their named characters are only good at fail.

Cao Hong does not share my opinion, though.

As always I forget to activate Dian Wei's super saiyan mode in time.

An there you can see a very epic mistake. In my rush to Guo Si I left Guo Jia totally exposed. It does not end well for him.

This does not count as him dying though so I do not truly care.

That was easy.

And to make it worse it wasn't because OMG NYANYAN IS OP STRATEGIST or anythingie like that. Our dudes simply plowed right through them. If you are feeling lazy just set up your dudes as I did, retreat the Cao after triggering the conversation with the Emperor, and just pass turns. Even without fighting back your dudes will delay the evil dudes long enough for the Emperor to escape.

Scene 7. Our very own royal McGuffin.

Spoiler

No respect at all.

of Eastern Han.

We actually won this battle thanks to how much effort the enemies did invest into being full of epic fail.

NyaNyan is not impressed.

Meet Man Chong, styled Boning. His call to fame requires a bit of context: During the battle of Fan, also know as the battle of Fancheng, Cao Cao sent Yu Jin to assist Cao Ren, who was garrisoning the local castle. However the Han river was in a bit of a mood and the region was flooded. Yu Jin lost most of his forces because of the disaster and did surrender to Guan Yu, who was the commander of the enemy force. With stuffies going this badly several local officials and vassals did switch sides.

By then Cao Ren was pretty much going all OH NOES WE ARE SCREWED!!!11!one, for he had only very few troops and almost not provisions. Man Chong, however, did study the flood, the enemy movements, and the big picture and then convinced Cao Ren to stay his ground to the last man. Guan Yu's strategic genius may have been slightly exagerated in the RTK games because, well, he did fuck up badly and eventually, after getting both outmaneuvered and outsmarted by the Cacao Rangers, had to retreat, and it would be thanks to the many misadventures Guan Yu would go through during his retreat that he would eventually be killed, which in turn would trigger Liu Bei's extremely costly tantrum.

So, like, Man Chong did kind of kill Guan Yu and screwed Shu sideways completely by accident. @__@

In the game he's a geomancer so I will be hugging him a lot.

How about 'Oi, Lord Cao, I know this really smart geomancer who wants to work for you!' while at dinner, like, I don't know... five battles ago or so?

¬__¬U

Jerk.

Scene 8. My entire RTK career in a nutshell.

Spoiler

Scene 9. AMBITION!

Spoiler

Do you remember when I just now wrote about how Guan Yu got epically outsmarted and outmaneuvered during the battle of Fancheng? Well, this is the guy who did it. Cao Cao himself was deeply impressed by the way in which he controlled the battlefield, played mind games with Guan Yu, and eventually did screw him over.

The sad part is that Guan Yu and Xu Huang were very good friends. That's kind of awful.

In the game he is our third archer. A foot archer, though. No horsie.

Now you are starting to sound just like your DW's self, C-Man.

Fufufufu!

That's it for today. In the next chapter we will face a mission that's both extremely easy and extremely hard. I will break my 'only reload on defeat' rule to try and clear the extremely hard version, but...

Anyway, next update may take a while as it will come when I either manage to beat the extremely hard version or manage to accept I am not Teh Kongming's unrecorded beautiful and brilliant daughter and just accept to swallow my pride and take the path of less resistance as I usually do.

Come to think of it, this isn't even the first, second, or third time I've heard of RoTK characters being turned into boobie girls.

That kind of thingie usually gets me in a bad mood, but... Like, it really works for Liu Bei.

Shame I do not know any Hex Editing as to trannify him in the RTK games.

Read a good translation of Luo Guanzhong text by a scholarly or literary minded writer. Koei rotk games are also pretty impressively faithful.

Is there any particular translation you would recommend along the Korean one you did mention elsewhere?

 

[Tigranes]

The Korean one kicks so much ass. I'm traveling but I'll see if I can dig up a good English one.

 

[felipepepe]

I own the Moss Roberts translation:

Was a good read, can't complain. Just be careful because there are 2 editions, a 2-volume complete one, and a abridged one.

 

[Cool name]

Yay, me.

Spoiler

Like a bleepin' boss.



And I'm not bleeping doing that bleeping bonus objective ever bleeping again.

 

[Azira]

You set their camp on fire? How could you?

I mean, was it dry and ready, just like kindling? Or did you use oil or other starters?

 

[Monstrous Bat]

Whatever you do, DON'T play the Dynasty Warriors games. The Warriors series (including Samurai Warriors) are kinda notorious for their history raping. Just read the book.

is this true of Koei games in general?

Some of them are more inaccurate than others. The RoTK series (the grand strategy ones) are generally faithful to the history (...or rather, to the novel. Unfortunately the novel actually isn't very historically accurate as well, but it's definitely more accurate than all of the Japanese adaptations.) The Enkeiden series, which includes LoCC, are much less faithful, but the general mood and atmosphere are still mostly similiar to the novel. But the DW series... well.

Wait... So Agassi = Black Cat? o_O

I am Black Cat's hotter, cooler, awesomer twin sister. Styled... uhm... Daiyu? I don't know. Something cool. Like, 20% cooler. Yeah.

I take that as a yes.

<pic>

Actually, doing the bonus objective in this mission is probably not worth it, especially since you can get the arguably better reward by failing to do it. Nevertheless, congratulations! I too felt extremely proud when I pulled this off for the first time.

Read a good translation of Luo Guanzhong text by a scholarly or literary minded writer. Koei rotk games are also pretty impressively faithful.

Is there any particular translation you would recommend along the Korean one you did mention elsewhere?

Well, you could always read the original book. You know, the one written in Chinese. Ancient Chinese.

 

[Cool name]

Well, you could always read the original book. You know, the one written in Chinese. Ancient Chinese.

I plan to do that eventually, but all kinds of Chinese give me an epic headache.

Why can't all east asians speak and write Korean?

Actually, doing the bonus objective in this mission is probably not worth it, especially since you can get the arguably better reward by failing to do it. Nevertheless, congratulations! I too felt extremely proud when I pulled this off for the first time.

It is most certainly not worth it for me as I never really use Dian Wei, I like those dudes like Yue Jin much better as they can take an epic beating while supported by the geomancers. But, you know... The dialogue and the scenes you get if Dian Wei dies is kind of really sad. He's so loyal, and Cao Cao is so sadpanda.

That aside, thankies!

 

[Delterius]

Spoiler

Tranny Diao Chan.

 

[Vaarna_Aarne]

Are we referring to the webcomic or the one with a highly non-canon Lu Bu?

 

[felipepepe]

Mrs. Kitty plays way better then me, Dian Wei always die in my hands...

I mean, I do it on purpose to keep the game canon as fuck, and because to steal Dian Wei's moment of manliness would be a crime against his honor and stuff. As a MAN, I simply can't have that.

 

[treave]

Impressive. I have no idea how many times I reloaded on this mission.

 

[Cool name]

Oh, wait. I made a mistake. I was just checking the book and noticed I did mix something up during the update. The situation in the second scene is not the one in which Zhang Fei gets drunk and loses Liu Bei's city but the one in which Zhang Fei steals some horses from Lu Bu and, uhm, loses Liu Bei city. Again. I mean, seriously, WTF is wrong with that guy?

Actually, it is more like a mix of them both. Liu Bei was fighting with Yuan Shu like in the 'drunk niggah bro' one, but he went to ask Cao Cao for help just like in the 'horsie' one and the events later play just like in that one with the 'let's not murder him' part and the 'Let's go get ambushed instead!' part.

Anyway, I'm sorry I did completely forget about that. -_-U

Impressive. I have no idea how many times I reloaded on this mission.

That's exactly the reason I gave the scene 'there goes my life' as a title.

I mean, I do it on purpose to keep the game canon as fuck, and because to steal Dian Wei's moment of manliness would be a crime against his honor and stuff. As a MAN, I simply can't have that.

I just want everyone to survive and be happy.

Well, everyone who is not 'random soldier, abstracted as HP' at least.

 

[Overboard]

In the novel one of the reasons because of which Zhang Xiu was so bloody pissed at Cao Cao was that he was either having an affair with Lady Zou or took her as a concubine.

Cao Cao: putting the Romance in RoTK since 197.

 

[Vaarna_Aarne]

Mrs. Kitty plays way better then me, Dian Wei always die in my hands...

I mean, I do it on purpose to keep the game canon as fuck, and because to steal Dian Wei's moment of manliness would be a crime against his honor and stuff. As a MAN, I simply can't have that.

Speaking of Dian Wei, I gotta say that he's got a really good (and unexpected style) voice actor in the Japanese version of Warriors.

Actually it's a lot more disturbing playing DW with the original voices, not only because they're actually really good, but the fact you very, very frequently go "heyyyy wait a minute, this guy sounds familiar..." if you've watched anime.

Oh, wait. I made a mistake. I was just checking the book and noticed I did mix something up during the update. The situation in the second scene is not the one in which Zhang Fei gets drunk and loses Liu Bei's city but the one in which Zhang Fei steals some horses from Lu Bu and, uhm, loses Liu Bei city. Again. I mean, seriously, WTF is wrong with that guy?

Zhang Fei posts drank on teh Codex.

Zhang Fei's actually always been a little odd for me. I mean, Koei tends to turn him into a Little John type, but in the book it's rather weird since he doesn't really seem to fit in with his brothers that are always touted as perfect examples of virtue. Since you know, the things Zhang Fei does it get drunk and beat up his men. Maybe he's some kind of old school PSA about the dangers of alcohol?

 

[Vaarna_Aarne]

I've never managed to get all the style names for the characters down to memory. Generally I just remember Mengde, Kongming and Fengxian.

And yea, I like Zhang Fei a lot too. He never outgrows drinking and being a mean drunk tho, and that's how he ends up dying.

 

[Cool name]

Chapter 13.

Yuan Shu becomes Emperor; Yuan Shu stops being Emperor; the Cacao Rangers slaughter their way through Wan so badly the game stops making sense; Cao Cao and Liu Bei team up to beat the bleep out of Lu Bu in one beautifully chaotic battle; Xiahou Dun is MANLY; Lu Bu falls for the same trick again; Baby seals are super duper cute.






Scene 1. Yuan Shu, Emperor. No, really.

Spoiler

My memories about this are kind of blurry so please forgive any mistake I make. I think it went kind of about like: After Sun Jian was killed by Liu Biao, Sun Ce became Yuan Shu's vassal. While the AWESOME gene was not as strong on him as it was on his dad (i.e: Sun Ce did not consider killing oceanic cocodriles using just his teeth to be a good replacement for morning exercise) it was still stronger on him than it was on Sun Quan (i.e: He did never hid crying beneath a table because Zhang Liao and a few hundred dudes where charging his army of tens of thousands and slaying half his staff in the process) and thus Sun Ce did turn lots of dudes into XP for Yuan Shu, who in turn was pretty enamored with him. No homo.

Yet being a servant to Yuan Shu was not satisfying for a dude whose dad was famous for once charging the enemy using a live elephant as a flail, so Sun Ce did start to have ambitions of his own. Under some excuse or another he asked for troops from Yuan Shu, using the imperial seal as a collateral. Then off he went to kick some tail.

The tail in question did belong to Liu, uhm, Yao? Maybe. Maybe some other Liu. This guy had a general by the name of Taishi Ci, and by chance Taishi Ci once found Sun Ce alone in a ruined temple Sun Ce had sworn to rebuild if he was ever able to avenge his dad and restore his family dignity, which I asume meant something along the lines of 'conquering everything that looks remotely mine.' Taishi Ci rode to capture him and they fought each other for a long time, and by the time their troops did arrive they were pretty much rolling in the grass, naked and grunting and...

Whatever. In the end Sun Ce did conquer some stuffies, Taishi Ci became one of his generals, they did conquer more stuffies, they did remove bandits and pirates from his lands, they were officially recognized by the Throne, and then they pretty much told Yuan Shu to suck his spear and give him back the Imperial Seal because LOLUSUCK and we just became our own warlord.

Yuan Shu was really butthurt but he had no way to invade the lands Sun Ce had declared his. Yuan Shu was also really butthurt about Liu Bei attacking him sooner so he did decide to consolidate his position by murderizing the Super Sworn Bros before going after Sun Ce. Problem is, Lu Bu was pissed with Yuan Shu as well because something or another so they planned to buy Lu Bu's friendship, murderize the Super Sworn Bros, and then murderize Lu Bu. Yeah, a plan of such genius even Lu Bu saw through it. And then he managed to foil Yuan Shu's invasion without fighting anyone.

Yuan Shu was very butthurt about this and went all I WILL DESTROY THEM BOTH MYSELF, completely ignoring the fact he had tried to buy Lu Bu's neutrality because he did not have the means to do just that. Trying to stop him from comiting suicide by warlord his advisors tried to gain control of Lu Bu by marrying the two families together but to be honest that was a total mess.

And then all of a sudden Yuan Shu did decide to declare himself Emperor because, hey, he was already useless and full of himself so why not? The result of this decision...

... was pretty much that one. All that bleep I wrote previously goes to show Yuan Shu did consider Liu Bei, Lu Bu, and Sun Ce to be his more immediate enemies. By declaring himself Emperor he did manage to force all of his foes plus the Cacao Rangers to attack him at once. Had Teh Kongming come up with this plan it would be a masterful ploy to force their hand and lead them into a completely WTF ambush, and then he would cover his trololol smirk with his fan and go 'Fufufufu, you are already dead!' and then they would all explode.

But this is Yuan Shu we are talking about, so in the end all this did accomplish was to get all his enemies plus the Cacao Rangers join forces and kick his tail all over the place. And, well, getting gangbanged by the combined might of the (future) Three Kingdoms plus the dude in the cockroach hat is actually more than he deserved.

Scene 2. The usual camp fluff.

Spoiler

We must not let the other dudes steal our XP!

Ehm... Wrong game, Xu Chu? We can't really spend days grinding 'plow' here.

'Mobility' is the greatest problem we will face. And by 'problem' I mean the mission will be 'let's plow right through the enemy forces REALLY SLOWLY' instead of, say, 'let's plow right through the enemy forces in three turns top.'

I take the Book of Healing from Dian Wei and give it back to Xun You. That's all preparation we will need.

Scene 3. Not impressed.

Spoiler

I would have to accept that kind of reasoning if coming from, say, Xiahou Dun, whom you know is going to trash shit up no matter what, but, like, really now... If I were to execute you guys every time you fail this would truly become the Cao Cao, Xiahou Dun, Yue Jin, and miscelaneous geomancers show.

That can only mean is a good plan. D:

Sometimes it is better to not be remembered at all.

Anyway, as I did previously say in this mission we walk really slowly. That's it. There's not much more to say.

Dad would be disappoint.

Liu Bei gonna Liu Bei.

Anyway, shortly after Liu Bei's retreat Cao Cao does level up and obtains Dominance, a self buff that temporarily raises his attack, his defense, his burst, and his spirit all at once. The buff remains for a random number of turns, yet every single buff is tracked by individually and is thus removed individually.

This tactic is pretty much Cao Cao's own super saiyan mode, and in this case it is quite literally so. Under the effects of this tactic The Cao can fight entire armies of nameless dudes by himself or even duel Lu Bu with minimal support.

The storm fan makes 'wind' tactics stronger. Right now our strategists will not benefit from it, but I am thinking of one particular character who may find it useful later on. The wheel of wind is however useful right away, as it pretty much turns our catapult into cavalry. D:

Scene 4. Yuan Shu, Ex-Emperor.

Spoiler

Scene 5. Doing it wrong.

Spoiler

That's not how you do it in the Three Kingdoms, dood



Proper defection is an art.

No, they are not.

Scene 6. They forgot to pack their brains.

Spoiler

Life is so easy when you are an EPIC BADASS.

Chuuuuu~

What I see is a very, very, very stupid plan. Are they really expecting the enemy generals to go all, like, 'Lookie look! Cao Cao, his extremely experienced generals, and his genius advisors are all COMPLETELY DISREGARDING THE OBVIOUS FLAW IN OUR DEFENSES! How lucky we are!' or something?

Oh. Okay.

Do you guys know if Sun Ce's still hiring?

Learn 2 wear armor.

*facepaw*

I give Li Yue the wheels of wind. He now has 5 movement instead of just 3, so he went from having one less tile per turn than standard infantry gets to one less tile per turn than standard cavalry gets.

Then I deploy.

LOLNO.

Scene 7. You insects dare to oppose me!

Spoiler

My plan is simple. Cao Cao, Xiahou Dun, and one of the geomancers will enter through the northernmost breach. The others will break through the gate.

*facepaw*

In previous updates I had to be careful because my troops where still low level and I had crappy equipment. Now? Now I have a few very strong characters, a couple of just strong ones, relatively good equipment, and am full of myself because DIAN WEI so, like, bleep no. And much more importantly to my little mercenary heart it is that the bonus reward in this mission is actually good.

We are not finishing the enemy before the reinforcements arrive. We are waiting for the reinforcements, then we are murderizing the reinforcements, then we are finishing the enemy.

Anyway, we slaughter the ambush and press on. Yue Jin and his doods are going to take care of the enemy generals and their bodyguards.

He will be saying a lot of that from now on.

Whatever. I don't really care as it changes nothing. To win this battle I need four thingies: Cao Cao, Xiahou Dun, Yue Jin, Geomancers. I don't want to be bothered by the enemy generals so I let my main force fighting them inside. As for Cao Cao...

'Armies are for the weak.'

The last of the nameless dudes retreats back to a tent to heal. Xiahou Dun lets him go and instead goes to assist Cao Cao at the gate. Is not that Cao Cao needs it, but those are a lot of dudes and we have to keep in mind the turn limit.

Once Yue Jin and the rest finish the enemy generals they move to the gate as well. Once the reinforcements are mostly dead Cao Cao leaves the Cacao Rangers to mop up and goes by himself to finish the guy Xiahou Dun did allow to retreat and recover. We only have three turns left so I have to make haste.

Those are not your run of the mill super duper cute baby seals, though. They are magickal super duper cute baby seals. When a Cacao Ranger reaches level fifteen he can be bound to a magickal baby seal to change into a more powerful version of themselves, kind of like magical girls do. Each baby seal can only be bound to a single Cacao Ranger though, so the more we get and hug and cuddle and pet and love very very much the more Cacao Rangers will be able to become magical girls and free their true selves to use the power of true friendship and true love and cute magical animals against evil.

Scene 8. I'm blue.

Spoiler

Da fu? We did not lose! We bleeping crushed them!

Notice the alignment bar is no longer split between 'red' and 'blue.' The 'red' part did become yellow, which means...

Fufufufu!

Fufufufu!

Scene 9. Meanwhile, deep within Lu Bu's villanous fortress...

Spoiler

Scene 10. Camp fluff.

Spoiler

When you sell a maxed out piece of equipment you will receive a special bean along with your money. This bean permanently raises one of the character's base stats by 2. This is not important on itself but in the way in which it does modify the character's growth rates. This is all pretty esoteric stuff so I will mostly just ask my brother or check online to see to whom is best to give what and then just pick my favorite characters of the bunch to focus on.

I take the Raven Robe from Dian Wei and give it to Man Chong.

Then I deploy.

This mission is the most difficult so far, but it is still not hard enough for we to risk actually losing. It is, however, a gigantic mess with lots of troops routed and the like as we will be outnumbered and all of Lu Bu's generals, including Lu Bu and Zhang Liao themselves, are there. There is, however, a bonus reward we can get, and I totally want to get it. This turns the mission from 'messy but not really hard' to 'bloody mess.'

As it did happen back in the Dian Wei mission we need to be really careful of where to place our troops in the deployment screen. Cao Cao will appear with the main force while Xiahou Dun appears in the vanguard. That's always like that. The other forces will appear depending on where we place them: Those we place in the obligatory slots will be part of the vanguard and those we place in the optional slots will be part of the main force.

At the start of the mission Lu Bu will be giving Liu Bei an epic beatdown. The optional objective requires that Liu Bei survives until Cao Cao can reach him. Cao Cao is very far away, with the main force. I place both my geomancers in the vanguard so that they may reach Liu Bei and heal him in case he needs halp to survive. Liu Bei will be in a 'fort,' which grants him regeneration, and he has the 'heal' tactic as well, but to trust Liu Bei to heal himself instead of attacking or healing one of his brothers is... not smart, to say the least.

Scene 11. A bloody mess.

Spoiler

His manliness...

Okay, okay. Breath in. Breath out. There are no hormones. There is only mind. Breath in. Breath out. Let's focus. Okay. I'm alright. Breath in. Breath out.

This is one of the most famous scenes from the novel. As Lu Bu is fighting Liu Bei he receives word the troops sent by Cao Cao in advance of the main forces are near and sends some troops to fight. When both forces meet Xiahou Dun rode to issue a challenge, and Gao Shun accepted it. They both fought for many passes, but who can defeat VIRILITY ITSELF? Gao Shun understood this and did escape back to his own army, disappearing among the masses. A lesser man, by which I mean one who does not deserve to be called REAL MAN, would have called it a day, yet that man would not be Xiahou Dun. Oh, no. If you were to look for masculine in the dictionary you would find 'Masculine; mas-cu-line. Adjective. \'mas-kyə-lən\. See Xiahou Dun.' That's how MANLY he was, and thus he pursued his prey back into the heart of the enemy army.

Cao Xing, the other general Lu Bu had sent to meet Cao Cao's vanguard, did prepare his bow and waited for the right moment. Then, from hiding (because he was not a REAL MAN like Xiahou Dun) he let the arrow fly and struck MAN ITSELF right in the eye. For a lesser man, by which I mean one that does not deserve to be called MASCULINITY UNLEASHED, that would have been more than enough battle for a day if not a lifetime, yet that man would not be Xiahou Dun. Oh, no.

Xiahou Dun did grab the arrow from the shaft and pulled it out, plucking his own eye out of the socket, and saw on it the very substance of his father and his mother. Being not only VIRILITY UNRESTRAINED but also a very filial son he swallowed the eye so that it would not go to waste. Then he rode to the archer, and the last thingie the completely inferior and unmasculine Cao Xing felt was Xiahou Dun's spear going right through his face. And I am sure that while the novel does not mention it Xiahou Dun's clothes had been badly damaged during his fight with Gao Shun and thus he was all but naked from the waist up, and his strong, well defined, rippling, firm muscles...

Ahem.

Anyway, then he rode back to his own army while the soldiers of both sides were all, like, WTF DID JUST HAPPEN?

And that's why Xiahou Dun is, like, MANLINESS UNCHAINED and you are not.

Deal with it.

Anyway,

We need to pick the first option if we want the bonus reward.

He's... So... KYAAAAAAAAAAAAAA~

Anyway, if we do not care about the bonus objectives all we need to do is to have Xiahou Dun mop the group he is engaged with, move our main force there, and then let the evil dudes come. It will be messy because Lu Bu, Zhang Liao, and lots of dudes but not hard at all.

We can't do that, though.

I need to move the Geomancers close to Liu Bei ASAP. Xiahou Dun and Yue Jin will slaughter the dudes while the geomancers run south healing themselves. They are really tempting targets to enemy dudes.

Zhang Fei is routed super fasty fast. I guess the wine run out or something.

I have to give it to Liu Bei and Guan Yu, they really did an act on Lu Bu's troops this time.

As the battle intensifies down south Lu Bu's remaining forces join the fray.

And then Cao Cao and Liu Bei finally meet.

So far, so good. Then bleep goes south as we don't really have a formation, nor a battle line, nor anything like that. We just have a bunch of loose dudes running around and beating shit up, and another bunch of dudes just trying to get to the battle. It shows.

It shows even more when your foe is Lu Bu as he can ignore the 'control' rules. We can't really protect our Geomancers and the like from him without a good formation. To make thingies worse we will soon be fighting enemies coming from three different directions at the same time, as the flow of the battle will lead to them surrounding us.

This would be a complete disaster if not because the beautiful and brilliant genius strategist is here.

You know what they say, Lu Bu. The first time it is their fault, but the second...

We are trying, Cao. We are trying really, really hard.

That one's dead for good, which means we get to loot his still warm body.

Those will allow Xu Chu to attack from a distance just like an archer.

NO U.

The survivors on our side are Cao Cao, Xiahou Dun, Yue Jin and two others. Whose show it is, again? Yup. They are that awesome.

That's it for today. In the next update the final battle between Cao Cao and Lu Bu will take place, and the first chapter of the legend of Cao Cao will come to a close. More importantly, all but two of Lu Bu's generals will meet death in that battle and thus we will get TONS OF LOOT! Yayifications! Also, moar baby seals. :3

Also, HOLY FUCK MY HANDS.

I'm taking some days for rest.

Zhang Fei's actually always been a little odd for me. I mean, Koei tends to turn him into a Little John type, but in the book it's rather weird since he doesn't really seem to fit in with his brothers that are always touted as perfect examples of virtue. Since you know, the things Zhang Fei does it get drunk and beat up his men. Maybe he's some kind of old school PSA about the dangers of alcohol?

The strange thingie about Zhang Fei is that he really has no 'role' per se. His kind of character is usually a super tuff warrior dude, but... Let's be honest, he's not so good at that as Guan Yu or Zhao Yun are.

I actually like Zhang Fei in movies and videogames, they always make them more of a 'down-to-earth giant warrior with a heart of gold' and I have a weak spot for that kind of character. But in the book he is really difficult to like.

I am sure there must be some symbolism or something with him but, well, you know me. If I start overthinking bleep I will end with some totally WTF theory mixing and matching random stuffies. XD

 

[Monstrous Bat]

You saved Dian Wei without the help from the reinforccements? Wow. I didn't know this was even possible.o_O When I did this mission, I had Cao Cao beeline for the escape area while Xiahou Dun and some other dudes stayed in the enemy camp and helped Dian Wei out. Eventually I managed to save Dian Wei, but I had to savescum quite a bit and had to use a lot of beans as well.

Why aren't you using your strategists? You keep talking about how Lu Bu was giving you trouble, but Xun Yu and Cheng Yu could fry his ass in something like two rounds. The Xuzhou battle could've gone a lot better had you brought some strategists instead of shit units like Cao Ren.

And why the FUCK aren't you using Xu Chu? With an S rank growth in both Attack and Burst and the Rocket Dart, he's one of your most powerful units. Sure, he's kinda squishy without the Pheonix Garb (or whatever they call the garb that lets you regenerate HP), but his high Burst makes him pretty dodgy, and you can to have your geomancers cast the defence-boosting spell tactic on him if you want to make extra sure he doesn't die.

 

[Kashmir Slippers]

I can't see any of the pictures in the last update. that might be my internet, though.

 

[Vaarna_Aarne]

It takes a real man to casually wear a pink silk eyepatch.

 

[Cool name]

I can't see any of the pictures in the last update. that might be my internet, though.

Do they appear to you as the 'broken image' little square thingie or do they not appear at all? In the second case I am having the same problem when I visit the thread, but there is nothing we can do other than wait. The way the Codex works spoilered images are still loaded when we enter, so if you or I visit the, say, fifth page and immediately open one of the last update's scenes there will be no images at all because our browser has to load all of the updates' in that page's images in order. Depending on how loaded my internet thingie they sometimes appear in a few seconds and sometimes require a full minute.

Why aren't you using your strategists? You keep talking about how Lu Bu was giving you trouble, but Xun Yu and Cheng Yu could fry his ass in something like two rounds. The Xuzhou battle could've gone a lot better had you brought some strategists instead of shit units like Cao Ren.

That's just my personal style.

Spoiler

1. I am not one who goes, like, 'This mission has X and Y, so let's use Z.' I go 'I have X and Y, so let's see how to beat Z with it.' I learn to do one thingie and do it well, then do the same thingie from start to end. Because of that most games I either steamroll or fight uphill the entire way.

2. Low level strategists add too much randomness to my plan. I don't do randomness. If a plan is not almost one hundred percent reproducible I feel just as if I had used a cheat to go through the mission. It wasn't my skill. It was luck. I did not win.

3. I don't like limited use thingies. Think of how I am with the jewgold: I am currently in the last Yuan Shao mission. In the entire game all I have bought are three baby seals. With strategists is the same: Either I need to use them, and thus their 'tactical mana' runs off halfway through the mission, or I don't need to use them, and thus I finish a mission with their 'tactical mana' almost full. In both cases I did waste a deployment slot.

4. The AI does not know how to use them so I have never been too impressed by them. Look, a strategist! Focus fire. Done. Let's go back to kicking dudes in the balls.

5. No matter what I play I tend to gravitate towards the 'tanky dudes and support casters' approach. Angry d0rf dudes and knight dudes kill evil with axes and hammers and swords and the ocassional crossbow, cute elven girls in pretty dresses heal them and buff them and put bubbles on them. That's how I roll. My 'core' team right now is Cao Cao, Xiahou Dun, Zhang Liao, Yue Jin, Geomancers, Diao Chan. Fill the remaining slots with Catapult dude, some archers. Are there still slots left? More movement blockers to distract enemy dudes while Xiahou and Cao and Zhang do their thingie, please. Shame the game does not let me put pretty dresses on the Geomancers.

Etc, etc.

And why the FUCK aren't you using Xu Chu? With an S rank growth in both Attack and Burst and the Rocket Dart, he's one of your most powerful units. Sure, he's kinda squishy without the Pheonix Garb (or whatever they call the garb that lets you regenerate HP), but his high Burst makes him pretty dodgy, and you can to have your geomancers cast the defence-boosting spell tactic on him if you want to make extra sure he doesn't die.

I don't know. I like him and stuffies but I have never used him much. But, alright. Given the way the XP works I will just deploy him instead of a 'random archer' for a bit. If he manages to catch up without dying every other mission, fine.

I am thinking about leveling up the Magicians as ghetto healers as well. Which is... Amusing. I either don't use them or use them as potion dispensers. Debuffs are for the weak.

 

[Kashmir Slippers]

I can't see any of the pictures in the last update. that might be my internet, though.

Do they appear to you as the 'broken image' little square thingie or do they not appear at all? In the second case I am having the same problem when I visit the thread, but there is nothing we can do other than wait. The way the Codex works spoilered images are still loaded when we enter, so if you or I visit the, say, fifth page and immediately open one of the last update's scenes there will be no images at all because our browser has to load all of the updates' in that page's images in order. Depending on how loaded my internet thingie they sometimes appear in a few seconds and sometimes require a full minute.

I think the number of pictures per page is overwhelming my browser. I will wait for the page to completely load, then I click the spoiler topic that I want to see. As I scroll down the page and view the images, some of them only partially load and are missing random horizontal strips of the picture. My browser becomes a black screen, and i have to change tabs to be able to see anything again. This continues until my browser freezes altogether and I have to restart it. Then none of the pictures load properly for an hour or so and are the small squares with the symbol in the corner.

So yeah. I think it is a problem with my internet connection being a bit overwhelmed moreso than a general problem with the LP itself.

Great LP by the way!

 

[Cool name]

Chapter 14.

The Cacao Rangers defeat Lu Bu's gang once and for all.



This chapter is pretty short so I thought it would be a good way to let my hands rest while still updating, as in this update the first chapter of the game will end and I am already at the end of the second myself so I don't want to get that much behind.

The events before, through, and after this battle are almost entirely fanfiction so I will just focus on the important parts and let the rest speak for itself. Just keep in mind this is one of the most divergent battles so far.



Scene 1. Run Lu Bu Run!

Spoiler

Nu. You are going to move up in the world. :3

Scene 2. Diao Chan fails at being a girl.

Spoiler

A surprisingly insightful Lu Bu moment.

And that's where Diao Chan and I will never understand each other. When a moment such as this does come up in a RTKVIII playthrough I am already planning my next career move and trying to use my court influence to secure my capture by a powerful faction on which I have many friends, a few sworn brothers, and maybe a relative or two. Which does of course include using my court influence to make many of my friends, sworn brothers, and relatives in my current faction be sent to fight unwinable battles against a faction on which I have few or no friends, sworn brothers, and relatives so that they are captured, switch sides, and the faction becomes one in which I have several friends, sworn brothers, and relatives in.

Because for all her loveliness she's just a level one girl. She never unlocked the 'True loyalty is for the weak. The image of loyalty is for the win.' skill tree.

Once Cao Cao unlocks the 'domination' skill the 'incredible might of Lu Bu' becomes 'I may need someone to heal me every fourth or fifth turn.' Sometimes.

Scene 3. They did not receive the memo.

Spoiler

Not anymore.

Let's see. We can't use fire tactics. We can't use water tactics because they only work in snow tiles and when in or next to water and most of the battle will happen inside the city. We can't use earth tactics because they only work on hills and wasteland.

Add that to my 'Why I don't really like strategists' post.

Anyway, I give Man Chong the Raven Robe. Yue Jin did max his armor during the previous battle so I give him Li Dian's level 2 armor, give Li Dian one of the level 1 armors I have in storage, and sell the level 3 armor for 750 gold and a fruit of leadership. Fruits of leadership are the easier ones to get and they are pretty useful if you want to use Diao Chan a lot.


Then I deploy.

This battle is similar to the previous one in that the slot in which you place a unit indicates in which of the three gates it will appear. In those missions I usually take a screenshot of the deployment screen, start the battle, check who is where to understand which slot goes where, and then load before the deployment screen. I did not do that this time, though. I will just brute force my way to victory instead. The previous battle did show my core team is more than able to handle Lu Bu's merry gang, and given this battle will happen mostly inside a city we can keep our Geomancers alive without much trouble.

Scene 4. Lu Bu's not particularly impressive last stand.

Spoiler

Sadly for them they are facing the master of fighting without any strategy beyond 'improvise as you go based on your knowledge of the rules.'

Lords of the abyss, man. Can we start already? I'm going to catch a cold like this.

A certain someone knows the Dao.

Men.

Again, men.

About tim-

Sigh.

And charge we did.

The group to the north has Cao Cao, a footdude, Xiahou Yuan, Guo Jia, and Xu Chu. It's not a bad group but it is not the stronger one, and most of their strenght comes from Cao Cao and Xiahou Yuan.

The group to the east has Xiahou Dun, Yue Jin, one archer dude, Dian Wei, and one Geomancer. They are the stronger group, and will cut through the enemies as if they were not even there.

The group to the west is the weakest and they are against Zhang Liao plus some other named dude. I have no expectation for them to survive long once they start fighting and thus I don't charge with them. Instead I slowly crawl towards the gate.

The super sworn bros and some random named archer guy are to the south. They should be the stronger group but Liu Bei fails at the game.

Second turn and the group to the east is already at the gates. Pay attention to Liu Bei's group as well. Zhang Fei and Guan Yu are very good frontliners. Liu Bei can heal. The archer can attack from a tile away. His plan? Charge in with Liu Bei and the archer, blocking the two frontliners. Those four nameless guys are going to keep them busy for a long while.

Liu Bei minus Teh Kongming equals epic fail.

'They have finally breached the walls.'

Third turn.

Not very climatic.

Less cuddling, moar fighting.

You suck, dude. Good thingie I am getting Zhang Liao.

That's not even remotely even.

Lords of the abyss, I want to slap the stupid out of her.

He's a true gentleman.

How about not dying for some brute in a cockroach hat, for starters? You did date the bad boy, you went all rebel without a cause, you rode around with Lu Bu's biker gang of ancient china. Cool. You had your fun, gurl. Time to move on and say 'next!' Go look for someone who can buy you shit without first looting a few villages or something, for example.

You are doing it wrong.

So very, very, very...

I am asuming this is a reference to the story I previously told about how they did part ways because 'moral differences.' Maybe the game asumes a similar story did occur during one of those 'time skips,' which would actually explain why was he so eager to help Lu Bu against Cao Cao, or to use Lu Bu against Cao Cao if you want to read it like that.

I prefer his death in the novel, however. Instead of going 'Was I wrong?' and then dying he still believes his choice to have been the right one and thus after the battle he asks Cao Cao to execute him no matter how much does The Cao wants to save his life. When Chen Gong finally places himself in the executioner's block and Cao Cao accepts his decision everyones cries weeps in a most masculine manner, and The Cao himself is deeply touched by Chen Gong's virtue and righteousness.

Yes, well. Cao Hong vs Lu Bu was not an even match either.

The group to the west was not enough to defeat both Zhang Liao and the other named general but they did at least give some battle and killed the unnamed guys. They weren't crushed, either: The footdude did manage to escape into the city to join the main force and the Geomancer did manage to retreat around the city to enter through the southern gate.

With that only Zhang Liao and the chariot dude remain.

That's it.

Rewards you can hug are best rewards! :D

Scene 5. Lu Bu's fate.

Spoiler

Anyway, this is not really how it went. While Lu Bu's biker gang of ancient China was a chaotic, unpredictable, and wild force he did in several occasions render service to Liu Bei, helping him when Yuan Shu was about to kick his butt all over the place and taking good care of his family after a drunk Zhang Fei lost Liu Bei's city and abandoned his sworn brother's family to their fates. Lu Bu did plead to him to put a good word for him with Cao Cao, yet when Cao Cao did ask Liu Bei's council on the matter he did instead only mention Lu Bu's treachery with Ding Yuan and Dong Zhuo.

I don't personally like the asshole in the cockroach hat but, yeah, that was kind of low. Or not really 'low,' but unbecoming of someone regarded as the story's moral pillar. The Cao and the Sun dudes would have done the same in his position, sure, but they are seen as morally questionable. I very much doubt Cao Cao would have pardoned Lu Bu if Liu Bei had instead said 'He's an unloyal wretch but he did show me grace in occasion,' yet that would not make Liu Bei into an asshole.

But as you will see in the upcoming chapters Liu Bei is nothing but an asshole.

Scene 6. Diao Chan's fate.

Spoiler

Uhm... Which part of him do you mean?

I can't help to imagine Diao Chan carrying from now on Lu Bu's dissecated head with her, talking to it when feeling lonely and answering herself by means of ventriloquism and mimicry.

So creepy.

This is complete fanfiction. For starters Diao Chan is generally thought to be a completely ficticious character, and either way she pretty much disappears from the novel after the Dong Zhuo debacle. She appears again during the prelude to the siege for a single paragraph or so, and she is partly responsible for Lu Bu's final defeat.

Chen Gong happens to come up with several plans to force Cao Cao to engage in two fronts and harass him until his meager supplies forced him to retreat, but each time his concubine, Diao Chan, and his wife, the daughter of the guy Zhang Fei did beat while drunk, did convince him to stay and protect the city instead. In this way Lu Bu does miss all the opportunities Chen Gong had perceived and when he finally notices the error the situation is beyond the point of no return and all he tries does fail.

Diao Chan's fate afterwards is never mentioned, and there are thus as many different versions of it as there are storytellers fanfictioning the Three Kingdoms.

But for all the fanfictioning going on in and around this particular battle the game does manage to reflect Lu Bu's actions with his decision of rushing back to the city to hole down and protect Diao Chan without even giving Chen Gong a chance to come up with a plan, and with all his worrying about Diao Chan during the battle itself.

What it does not show is Lu Bu becoming a drunkard and a pathetic shadow of his former self that loses the faith of his advisor and his generals during the siege, to the point his own generals in the end betray him and give Cao Cao the victory.

I guess that's not a dignified enough end to the greatest dumbfuck warrior of ancient china.

Scene 7. Zhang Liao's fate.

Spoiler

He is out of bleeps to give.

And I can asure you the fact that she maxed Charisma and Appearance at character creation did in no way play a part in his decision.

Scene 8. Any Liu Bei is too much Liu Bei.

Spoiler

Scene 9. A garden in Xudu.

Spoiler

... Which is the entire purpose of men, since we are at it. ¬_¬U

And thus the first chapter of The Legend of Cao Cao comes to an end. In the game's second chapter we will mostly deal with Cao Cao's very epic campaign against Yuan Shao and we will be witness to how much does Liu Bei's alleged moral high ground is actually worth.

This update has been sponsored by the Anti Liu Bei coalition. Remember kids: If everyone says someone is good chances are he is evil as bleep, more so when his ears reach his shoulders. How many idols have you seen with ugly ears? That's right, not a single one. Aren't idols the very embodiment of everything good and righteous? Of course! There you go. Evil fuck. Q.E.D.

It takes a real man to casually wear a pink silk eyepatch.

I don't know what the bleep they were thinking either.

Great LP by the way!

Superthankies!

And I'll try to *bump* the thread a bit between updates so that it does not become so heavy and there are less images per page.

 

[treave]

Xuan Yao? I think you made a typo there. Perhaps you were hoping to campaign against Xuande instead and got jumbled. >_>

 

[Cool name]

Xuan Yao? I think you made a typo there. Perhaps you were hoping to campaign against Xuande instead and got jumbled. >_>

Epic fail.

Thank you for mentioning it. I'll right that wrong right away.

 

[Vaarna_Aarne]

That's it, I'm calling Lu Bu the Brute In A Cockroach Hat from now on.


I'd also argue that Koei is probably the one who's the most into interpreting Lu Bu as the greatest warrior of the period. The book itself generally treats Lu Bu as just a strong brute, and by the end of it Lu Bu's track record looks like child's play compared to the stuff they have Guan Yu do all the time.

Another thing is that this is probably the farthest away from how the novel (and history) portrays Lu Bu's death as I've seen so far. It's usually seen as an end worth of a dog, what with Lu Bu begging for his life before being pointed out that he's full of shit.

Actually... Isn't The Cao getting Guan Yu on loan soon?