[LP CYOA] 傳

[a cut of domestic sheep prime]

Lambchop19, I don't know if the unarmed technique gives us a boost in Unarmed skill, but the Shadow Step technique gives us a bonus to sneak, not to qinggong:

Ah, I was confused by

If you pick the qinggong or bow you'll get an automatic rank one in the relevant skill.

Still, I think our Ean wannabe could use some skill diversification either way.

edit: Also, he stated that unarmed would not receive a bonus.

 

[Azira]

Treave listed Shadow Step as a qinggong technique, hence why I thought choosing that would net us an increase in qinggong skill.

 

[Zero Credibility]

I think so too.

B. Yinglang Step. (影狼步 Shadow Wolf Step). A wolf is silent and stealthy in its hunt. This qinggong technique teaches the user to move swiftly, gently and quietly in the wilderness to avoid attracting attention.

If you pick the qinggong or bow you'll get an automatic rank one in the relevant skill.

Maybe I'm reading this wrongly, but it sounds like we do get a point in qinggong with B.

 

[ScubaV]

B, seems useful in and out of combat. We'll have plenty of chances to develop weapon techniques.

 

[treave]

Regarding the meta-knowledge and consequences, I understand that it might be more enjoyable to discover it in-game, so to speak, but you could also think of this like flipping to and skimming through the other choices in a CYOA book. The reveal should not have too much impact either... I mean, would you judge a man from his reaction to a single event, trying to determine all his motivations from whether he is pleased or displeased at a particular outcome? But yeah, I'll take this into consideration. All I can say for now is that I won't answer or give out any information that will drastically change important decisions in meta. For this LP, at least. Don't worry, no flow charts are gonna pop out this time.

I can't cover everything in the narrative, however, this not being a full-fledged novel. There's bound to be some things that I leave out accidentally or purposely, for brevity and flow, and have to deliver outside of the updates.

As for the whole horse jumping, it's not so much a proposal than a symbolic gesture during the ritual. It's like the equivalent of screaming 'I love you THIS much' through your actions. It certainly isn't needed to complete the match. The Ashina really admire your total balls in declaring this to the princess. You'll get a bit more on why this is rare in the next update.

Regarding the 'rigged match', Esquilax has the right explanation, but I'd just like to clarify that our character's concern was over his suspicion that it was a show designed to have a particular outcome. To follow his muddled thought process, it makes him feel he was purposely made to look like a circus monkey by her. She challenged him, toyed with him, and it was not for her stated purpose but for political considerations, meaning that she also beat him on another level. That upsets him a bit. He does understand the political considerations, he's not stupid, but the ignominy of defeat and hormonal imbalances of youth are combining to cloud his rational mind. Probably you'd like this to be in the update itself, but I thought it was best not to over-emphasize his personal feelings for certain reasons.

Not another virgin hero, codex, not another!

...but he isn't one.

.
Btw Treave you said Prince is skilled like hell, does that mean if we had choose right sign he could pass 10 points cap?

No, he can't pass the 10 point cap.

Edit: you do get a qinggong skill rank with B, but I highly recommend you pick the skill you like best, regardless.

 

[Baltika9]

What benefits does A bestow? Also, does that quinggong point usable all the time, or only with the style activated?

 

[treave]

It's an attack technique. The more you collect, the more options you have in a fight. Besides, if you master and use it often enough it'll become your signature technique and you might get the nickname 'The Steppenwolf' or something.

The qinggong skill can't be used on its own, you have to use a technique. It's like how you can't use a guns skill without a gun. I mean, usually.

 

[Baltika9]

The qinggong skill can't be used on its own, you have to use a technique. It's like how you can't use a guns skill without a gun. I mean, usually.

Actually, I meant if we'll be able to use that quinggong skill point to perform acrobatics on demand, not necessarily for combat. Like scaling vertical surfaces, or doing ridiculous backflips.

 

[treave]

You'd need to learn the specific acrobatic or wall walking qinggong technique to do that. With a high level of skill you can do it with almost any technique, but at low skill levels you need to use specialized acrobatic moves.

 

[Baltika9]

They have those?

Sweet.

 

[Baltika9]

And here are the votes so far, I think I have everyone this this time. And it seems that I didn't.
A-9
Kipeci
Baltika9
XenomorphII
Ifeex
Esquilax
The Brazilian Slaughter
ERYFKRAD
Kashmir Slippers
Stygian Lurker
B-9
Smashing Axe
m4davis
Azira
Storyfag
Jester
Bloodshifter
Nevill
Tigranes
ScubaV
Still haven't warmed up to B, since all of it's major bonuses depend heavily on situation.

 

[treave]

ERYFKRAD - A
Kipeci - A
Baltika9 - A
XenomorphII - A
Smashing Axe - B
m4davis - B
Zero Credibility - B
Ifeex - A
Azira - B
Storyfag - B
Jester - B
The Brazilian Slaughter - A
Esquilax - A
Bloodshifter - B
Nevill - B
Kashmir Slippers - A
Tigranes - B
Stygian Lurker - A
Lambchop19 - B
ScubaV - B

Hm, perhaps it might be a good idea to have the votes stand out a bit more. You missed out on two, and I had to count it a few times myself. Lambchop19 and Zero Credibility.

Perhaps, in the spirit of CHINA, we can have the actual votes in red, if that's not too much trouble? It would also be nice if any flopping is followed with editing of a previous vote so that you only have your vote in one post.

Anyway, I believe it is

A - 9
B - 11

Votes are now closed.

 

[Baltika9]

Say, can we use B for survival in the wilderness? As in, hunting down animals for food (with our bare hands to boot), evading our enemies, etc?

 

[treave]

You can use B for things like stalking animals (and humans) and not leaving tracks. At high levels you'll be able to run through a forest and slip past all the branches in your way without leaving a sound, for example. The more you learn, the more you'll be able to do. What you can expect to pull off will be described in the technique list on the character sheet.

 

[Kipeci]

of Codex.

 

[Nevill]

Regarding the meta-knowledge and consequences, I understand that it might be more enjoyable to discover it in-game, so to speak, but you could also think of this like flipping to and skimming through the other choices in a CYOA book. The reveal should not have too much impact either... I mean, would you judge a man from his reaction to a single event, trying to determine all his motivations from whether he is pleased or displeased at a particular outcome? But yeah, I'll take this into consideration. All I can say for now is that I won't answer or give out any information that will drastically change important decisions in meta. For this LP, at least. Don't worry, no flow charts are gonna pop out this time.

I love flowcharts when they do not affect my decisions (at the end of the chapter), is all I am saying.

If it isn't too spoilerific, could you please clarify a few points?
1) Would Jing still had to marry the princess if he won with D, like Baltika9 said? I've got a feeling that for it to be a marriage proposal, a male should clallange a female, not the other way around. What are Ashina rules and traditions regarding these contests, how do they work?
2) If the answer is yes, then why the Duke would be upset at us with C, but not with D? If not, is my assessment of the cause of his anger correct, or is there more to it?
3) How does a marriage to the outsider works in a nomadic tribe? Is the husband accepted as an equal in the tribe, or is he still considered a stranger as far as they are concerned? Does the wife retain her familial ties, or is she considered a part of husband's family? I am interested to know where we stand in the tribe if we accept the proposal.

Obviously, if there is meta involved, feel free to ignore these.

Not another virgin hero, codex, not another!

...but he isn't one.

"It’s the mindset that matters."

I guess people won't leave you alone until you commit to writing a sex scene like you promised in the previous LP. :D

 

[treave]

If it isn't too spoilerific, could you please clarify a few points?
1) Would Jing still had to marry the princess if he won with D, like Baltika9 said? I've got a feeling that for it to be a marriage proposal, a male should clallange a female, not the other way around. What are Ashina rules and traditions regarding these contests, how do they work?
2) If the answer is yes, then why the Duke would be upset at us with C, but not with D? If not, is my assessment of the cause of his anger correct, or is there more to it?
3) How does a marriage to the outsider works in a nomadic tribe? Is the husband accepted as an equal in the tribe, or is he still considered a stranger as far as they are concerned? Does the wife retain her familial ties, or is she considered a part of husband's family? I am interested to know where we stand in the tribe if we accept the proposal.

There's meta involved, but nothing that would really affect the way the LP goes. This is just the prologue after all.

1) He could marry her, having proven his superiority, but he doesn't have to. It is more of a trial than a proposal - just one part of the full marriage ritual. All the match does is prove that he is worthy of her. It isn't legally binding, despite our character's worries. But of course, refusing to marry after winning a trial could be taken as an insult, and it is traditional to follow through. On the princess's side, she would not refuse because of the cultural pressure. Not because she likes you or anything.

Now, these challenges aren't issued lightly nor are they really strict - there will be context. If, for instance, a girl really likes a guy, they might arrange for an easier challenge (though not too easy). Either the guy or the girl can issue the challenge, but the girl will always be the one that picks the type of trial, giving her the advantage. Once they are out there on the field, however, neither of them are expected to throw the competition. At least, not in any obvious manner. There are also precedents for the girl having representatives to undertake the trial for her. Of course, it sends a stronger message if you beat down an unwanted suitor yourself. But in the end they don't have really strict rules, more like generally understood traditions.

2) Because he cares for you and was worried that you'd break your neck if you slipped. Or because it was bloody rash and the Duke hoped that you would resolve it in a safer manner. Of course, having her married to the prince is much better leverage. Why would he be okay with D, then? Because he thinks he can pressure you to reject the marriage and yield in favour of the prince. It's nothing some smooth words can't work over - people can be surprisingly open-minded once you ply them with enough alcohol. But if you made such a daring declaration of love in public, the Ashina may think you are really serious about her. They might not easily accept any other man in this case. It would just seem weak.

3) Since our hero here is not the Crown Prince of the Tang Dynasty, he would be effectively marrying into the tribe and gain status as the princess's spouse. They won't take anything else as an answer - they do not care for rank that much, but to marry off their princess to some common servant would be stretching their pride. Why does he not want to marry into our hospitable tribe? Why is he insisting he take the princess with him? We do not care if he was a servant as long as he becomes one of us. Is he actually looking down on the tribe? Et cetera, and there we have a diplomatic event in the making.

As Bulun does not have any male sons, our character would also end up being in contention for the position of Khan of the Ashina should the big guy kick the bucket.

 

[Baltika9]

3) Since our hero here is not the Crown Prince of the Tang Dynasty, he would be effectively marrying into the tribe and gain status as the princess's spouse. They won't take anything else as an answer - they do not care for rank that much, but to marry off their princess to some common servant would be stretching their pride. Why does he not want to marry into our hospitable tribe? Why is he insisting he take the princess with him? We do not care if he was a servant as long as he becomes one of us. Is he actually looking down on the tribe? Et cetera, and there we have a diplomatic event in the making.

As Bulun does not have any male sons, our character would also end up being in contention for the position of Khan of the Ashina should the big guy kick the bucket.

That got me thinking: is it possible to earn ourselves a duchy or county through service to the Emperor? I know this is a Wuxia LP and we're technically supposed to focus on kicking ass first, managing territories never, but I think that a marriage between a Duke of Han and Princess of Ashina would could have more benefits that us simply marrying into the clan, if we spin it right.

 

[Smashing Axe]

My hope is that after the inevitable incoming disaster that casts us from the high halls of power, we get the option to go on a quest across the land to find a way to subvert our fate, beginning our legendary struggle against destiny...

Spoiler

to become a rabbit

 

[treave]

Shadow Wolf

“A wise choice. The deadliest fist is the one that is unseen.” Huluzi reaches into his garment and pulls out a roll of goatskin. He holds it out, offering it to you. “The moves of the Yinglang Step are recorded within. To understand them, you must first master the first step.”

You are slightly nervous, but take the parchment without hesitation and unroll it. It is full of badly drawn stick-men in various poses. You look up at Huluzi quizzically. He shrugs. “The scroll-maker was not good at art, nor was he literate.”

You nod slowly. From your limited understanding, many martial arts manuals were usually well-illustrated and written poetically - you needed to comprehend the meaning of the couplets to fully unlock the potential in the moves of the technique. Of course, there were as many different ways to impart martial arts as there were stars in the sky, and today you have taken that lesson to heart.

Huluzi breathes in deeply, his posture changing in subtle ways. His breathing slows gradually until it is almost imperceptible to you. Then, he speaks, “The first step is to learn how to put your foot down without making a sound. However, I can see that you are not familiar with the principles of qinggong. We will have to start from scratch.”

It takes you three hours to learn how to carry your body with the ease required, and then to begin learning the first move of the technique - how to step silently. That takes only two hours to accomplish, impressing Huluzi.

“You have a talent for imitating physical movement,” he says, as you massage your aching muscles. The posture required to pull off the move still feels unnatural to you, though Huluzi assures you that will change with practice. “After this, you just need to remember the mindset you achieved while carrying out the posture. You will find that the secrets of the scroll will unlock themselves gradually as you develop your understanding of the wolf’s spirit.”

You bow to him, thanking him for his tutelage. The sun is beginning to set - your last dinner here will be held soon. Tomorrow you return to the Central Plains. “By the way,” you can’t help but ask before the both of you part ways, “your Han is almost pitch perfect. Have you spent time in our cities?”

Huluzi shakes his head. “My departed mother was a half-Han concubine of Bulun’s father; my grandmother was a minor Tang princess. They taught me the language,” Your jaw falls open in surprise, but his own expression just grows grimmer. “Since I have mentioned this, let me warn you to be careful, Xu Jing. The Imperial Court plays deadly games that wrap up innocents without a care, no matter how far they run. You should stay away from their politics.”

The Ashina warrior walks away, leaving you to your thoughts.

***

When you reach the large yurt, you find a scowling duke and a grinning prince, and that the only open space left at the tables is next to a sulking princess. Your feet falter for just a moment. Am I a man or a mouse? You berate yourself for the sudden reluctance that halts your steps. There is no need to be afraid of this stupid, pig-headed girl. Striding into the yurt with a big grin on your face as the tribesmen cheer your arrival with upraised gourds and dishes, you greet them enthusiastically and take your place on the ground.

Your grin doesn’t last long. Sitting besides such a sullen girl, your affected cheer is drained away in seconds.

“What do you have to be unhappy about? You won,” you grumble in a low voice.

“I was happy until you sat down besides me,” Yunzi seethes quietly. “Leave me alone. Go run about the plains and howl at the moon.”

“I’m not going without dinner just because some spoiled girl wants to stretch her legs under the table.”

“That’s okay. I’ll have your food thrown to you outside the tent.”

“What am I, a dog?”

“Aren’t you your prince’s dog? Go and bark at him, wag your tail, whatever it is you subservient Han do.”

You take a deep breath and calm your tone, if not your temper. “Aah, you are right. I am my prince’s dog. I’ll hunt for him and lick his feet and frolic with his gentle maids. That is still better than being with a flat-chested shrew like you. It’s no wonder no one wants to marry-”

Before you finish your sentence, her left fist lashes out. It almost hits you, but you are fast enough to catch it and return a punch of your own. Yunzi pushes herself backwards and narrowly evades your attack. Finding herself unable to free her left hand from your grasp, she extends the fingers on her right hand and goes for your eyes. You trap her fingers between your own and clasp her hand tightly, leaving the both of you without any free arms to fight with.

Bulun Khan’s shout interrupts your slapfight with Yunzi. The entire yurt falls into silence. With a sudden realization of where the two of you are, you freeze. The Duke of Xiliang is aghast, while Shun looks absolutely tickled. Huluzi, on the other hand, nods approvingly. You get the feeling he is admiring your moves rather than any display of chivalry - or lack of it - on your part.

The khan slams his palm down on the table. “Now, dear daughter, you know you need my approval for this... It is okay. The both of you have my permission to use the special yurt, just this once. Don’t make a habit of it though, and bear some consideration for those who have to clean up after you!” He winks dramatically, and his booming laugh resounds throughout the yurt, joined by the cheers of the other tribesmen. The festive atmosphere of the dinner resumes. You release the girl’s vicious hands and lean away from her in disgust. She does the same, her desire to cave your face in dissipated by her father’s mockery.

“I am so glad to see the both of you getting along so lovingly,” smiles Shun, radiating an aura of warmth and kindness. “Are you blind?” I snap. I regret the words the moment they spill out - Shun just laughs and mimes the loss of his eyesight, but the Duke of Xiliang glowers at me, displeased at the rude manner at which I just addressed the Crown Prince.

The Ashina, on the other hand, are entertained at the entire spectacle. “This is how it should be. Kids should be noisy and joyful, speaking as they wish. It is all part of growing up,” says Huluzi, an out-of-place smile on his face. Bulun agrees eagerly by quaffing down more fermented milk. You let out a loud sigh and stand up.

“Where are you going?” asks Yunzi irritably.

“I think you’re right. Running around the plains with the horses would be better than sitting here with you.”

She scowls at you, and for an instant you remember the white horse that was stricken with some ailment. You feel the full awkward weight of your fourteen years in this world trying to get you to say something.

“Right, horses. How’s the horse?” you ask casually.

“Oh.” She understands which horse you mean instantly, but seems at a loss for words. Still, she musters enough composure to reply, “She’ll pull through. She’s a strong one. Thank you.”

You nod your head in what you think is an apologetic manner, pleasantly surprised at her saying thanks. Perhaps she isn’t so bad after all… no.

As you see her have a servant take your food away with an evil smile, as she glances back up at you innocently and asks, “I thought you were going for a run? Why haven’t you left yet?”, you realize that you do hate her after all.

You decide to go for that run and practice your newly acquired skill.

***

When you returned, the princess had retired to her own yurt - to your undisguised delight - and you were able to enjoy the leftover food and wine in peace. Perhaps you enjoyed it a little too much, as later that night you sit up attempting to stem an urgent signal from your bladder.

“You are awake?” asks Shun - he is reading by candle-light. “Yeah. What are you doing up?” you ask.

“Reading. You do it every night too. What’s so surprising?”

“I do it because I have to keep up with my studies. You know how harsh Old Zhao can get if you miss even a single stroke in the answers you write. You, on the other hand, are smarter than I am.”

The prince laughs. “Yet you get much the same scores as I do. I was just reading in about the traditions of the Ashina. Very interesting people. Do you remember the meaning of stepping onto her horse?”

“Do you have to remind me about that?” you grumble, your bladder pounding. But he was still your prince and best friend, and you would sit here and listen to him finish even if it meant pissing blood. “It was just some way to say ‘I love you’ in Tujue style, right?”

“It’s like declaring a personal pledge to stay together for eternity, Jing. It’s promising the stars and the moon for their love. The nomads may have many quirks, but hyperbole in their romantic life is not one of them. That is why it is very, very rarely attempted, and only when a person is truly serious.”

“I wouldn’t have done it if I knew,” you mutter bitterly.

The prince raises his eyebrows. “Would you, now?”

“Of course! Do you actually think I’d be interested in her? Give me an older lady of experience any time,” you snort.

Shun stares at you, a teasing smile on his lips. “Does that mean you will not mind if I marry her, then?”

“Go ahead, help yourself,” you grin. “But don’t come running to me for help when you find her too much to handle.”

“Hm,” Shun rubs his eyes. “I see. That’s disappointing. Well, don’t let me keep you from relieving yourself. It must be getting unbearable. What, why are you shocked? The only time you wake up of your own will in the middle of the night is when you have to take a leak.”

You give him a rude gesture and run out of the tent. He is right, your bladder is about to burst.

***

You scramble to your feet, your fingers gingerly feeling the bleeding wound on your head. Realizing that your pants are still untied, you knot them back up, making sure to adjust the short sword’s scabbard, and turn back to look at the camp. It is on fire. Someone or something had knocked you out halfway through your urination. Your chest hurts - the front of your robes seems to have been torn away - and there is a distinct, dark red imprint of a palm on your skin.

Your heart pounding, you run back into the Ashina camp despite your injuries. There is fighting and shouting all over the place, and no one notices a fourteen year old boy slipping between the fires. It seems that the Ashina are fighting other Tujue. You recognize a Tang soldier in armour running past you. Grabbing him by the arm, you ask him what is going on. “It’s an enemy raid! The Duke of Xiliang and the Crown Prince are retreating from the eastern entrance right now! If you don’t hurry, you’ll be left behind!” shouts the soldier as he barely slows down to explain things to you. He runs off, his feet pounding the ground as fast as they can take him.

You begin to follow after him, but a scream stops you in your tracks. You would know that irritating voice anywhere - it’s that stupid princess. Then, you hear Huluzi roar. Your impetuous curiosity getting the better of you, you crouch into the posture that Huluzi taught - the Yinglang Step - and tread quietly to a place where you can get a better view of what is going on.

Just around the corner, you spot Huluzi and Yunzi fighting with a person clothed all in black. The enemy was wrapped in black cloth from head to toe, only revealing the eyes. Huluzi pushes Yunzi back, narrowly avoiding a kick from the person in black. He steps backwards and for an instant almost seems to disappear, dropping low to the ground and dashing to the side. Then, Huluzi pounces on his foe from their blind-side, his fists appearing to come from all directions.

His attacks are so fast that your eyes are unable to keep up, but the person in black deflects them casually and gently, snaking their free arm in between his punches to redirect his attacks with light, well-timed pushes. The person in black presses three fingers together and jabs at Huluzi’s outstretched left arm twice. He staggers back, his arm suddenly falling limp. Then, a powerful palm strikes his chest, sending him flying backwards into a burning yurt. You grab the grass on the ground tightly - do you go to his aid? Your duty is to the prince, but the prince is safe and sound with the Duke and his soldiers.

“You are a brave fighter, little Tujue girl. I came searching for the boy prince but found something more fun,” says the person - no, woman - in black. She is advancing upon Yunzi now, talking in Han - she is definitely from the Central Plains and not a Tujue tribesperson. There is something else going on here… this is not a simple raid. They are here for the prince. “Do you want to come back with me? I can make you stronger. I can see the desire for strength in your eyes.”

Yunzi snarls and her whip lashes out. The woman in black snares it from the air casually without even blinking her eyes, the whip smoking and crumbling in her vice-like grip.

“Excellent spirit,” coos the woman. “You remind me of myself. I think I will take you back, whether you like it or not.”

Should you do something? If you help Yunzi, it is only because you know that the Duke’s hasty retreat without even trying to fight off the raid is not the way you should treat your allies. You aren’t doing so out of any measure of goodwill towards that stupid brat. Helping the princess would endear you to the Ashina even more. On the other hand, as always, your place is by Shun’s side. You should rightfully retreat to the eastern entrance as fast as you can, before they leave this place. That is the proper thing to do, as his companion… though were he here, you know that he would ask you to jump the woman in black. In more ways than one, even.

***

A. Using the Yinglang Step, you sneak up behind the woman and stab her in the back with your short sword. There is no better way to distract someone than sending them to the underworld. On the off chance she survives, Yunzi is not out of the fight yet, and Huluzi may still make his way out of the tent. All three of you should stand a fair chance at forcing this kidnapping freak to retreat.

B. You flee to the eastern entrance, looking for the duke and the prince. This is not your fight. There is no need to get involved. You owe the Ashina nothing, and you are the prince’s man. Your only priority is to make sure that he is secure and accompany him back to the capital, where you can forget about this blasted steppe once and for all.

 

[TOME]

Damn missed a vote again. But I'm glad it went this way. Stealth was my preference but I could have voted for the fighting technique if I could get you guys forget your silly notions of using swords/axes/spears/bows. Unarmed and throwing weapons are the only way to go in this setting.

 

[treave]

That got me thinking: is it possible to earn ourselves a duchy or county through service to the Emperor? I know this is a Wuxia LP and we're technically supposed to focus on kicking ass first, managing territories never, but I think that a marriage between a Duke of Han and Princess of Ashina would could have more benefits that us simply marrying into the clan, if we spin it right.

It'd probably happen long after the plot ends, if it does. Because you're a fucking Tiger and settling down at the ripe old age of 20 to run counties and shit when you're a supreme martial arts master is just... wrong. You'd probably rather hop on a boat to Japan and start kicking ass there. Or perhaps blaze a trail of ass kicking all the way West, through the Silk Road, until you get to the Byzantine Empire and fuck up whichever Emperor Constantine is on the throne with your Palms of Misfortune.

 

[ERYFKRAD]

Voting A. If the prince is momentarily safe, we need not worry about him. And if it's the prince they're after, we should get a view of these guys now, before it snowballs.

 

[Smashing Axe]

We're no coward, we're a Tiger. Let's maul this witch. The Prince would approve, the Ashina would approve.

A

 

[Baltika9]

Somebody is assaulting our Yunzi? This will not stand! A.
:
Although something tells me that this won't end with us in perfect health. It's okay, though, we have the chief Priestess to patch us up and the Wolfmaster to teach us more cool techniques.

Edit:

It'd probably happen long after the plot ends, if it does. Because you're a fucking Tiger and settling down at the ripe old age of 20 to run counties and shit when you're a supreme martial arts master is just... wrong. You'd probably rather hop on a boat to Japan and start kicking ass there. Or perhaps blaze a trail of ass kicking all the way West, through the Silk Road, until you get to the Byzantine Empire and fuck up whichever Emperor Constantine is on the throne with your Palms of Misfortune.

This sounds EPIC! I can tell you've been holding this in for a long time.