This is mostly (see 03) a outtake from my F3 review. There is no "chapter two" as I got bored immediately. This thread looks like the perfect opportunity to post it. Fuck you, Mighty Mouse. Pick a mighty mouse avatar, you dumb shit.
My Fallout 3 Journeyal
by Andyman Messiah
Chapter One: The Tutorial
01: Fuck you, Dad! (Part 1)
What: The game begins with your useless player character ass getting born. You come out of your mom. Your dad shambles forward to you and his words upon seeing what his ballsack managed to produce is "let's see... are you a boy, or a girl?" You are now given the choice to choose between penis and vagina.
Problem: Can you write a less obnoxious fourth wall-breaking shit line, Bethesda?
Solution: Omit that fucking line entirely, or send it back to the writer nailed to his child's forehead.
02: Your birthday party!
What: Welcome to ten years old, assface! We put together a little party and invited two thirds of all the people that live in this vault, half of which fucking hate your guts. Happy birthday.
Problem: This is the first we experience of life in the vault, and it sucks. Bethesda tries to make the player care about this place and fails extraordinarily at it.
Solution: You want us to care about these people, Bethesda? About this place? Well, then put in some better design chops into it, for fucking fucks sake.
03: Dad and baby hero come to Vault 101! OMG PLOT TWIST!!
What: This is supposed to be the plot twist revealed about halfway through the main quest!
Problem: It's not a plot twist if I can figure it out less than five minutes into the game.
Solution: Players: learn how to use your fucking ears. Bethesda: know your limitations. I mean, remember in DA2, when the entire game is revealed to be a dream and Alistair comes out of the shower? Now that was a plot twist.
04: Your dad, the only doctor.
What: Your dad is the only doctor in Vault 101. Let me repeat this, now that we know he was not an original vault dweller: your dad is the only doctor in Vault 101.
Problem: Are you fucking kidding me? Look, there are limits to how far you can defend this bullshit. The coincidence alone of Vault 101 suddenly needing a doctor when Dad and PC shows up at their doorstep is stupid.
Solution: The Vault 101 nonsense should be removed entirely.
05: G.O.A.T.
What: The Generalized Occupational Aptitude Test is how young adults are given their jobs. It's actually not a test at all, but rather a multiple choice survey akin to anonymous drug surveys handed out at school where you can lie about how many packs a day a cool sixteen year old like you go through. Do I even have to explain how problematic and retarded this is?
Problem: Intelligence not required. Not that I didn't expect it, but... seriously? Vault Dwellers receive their life long important positions on the Vault 101 work force by answering retarded multiple choice surveys?!
Problem: What are these questions and how on earth are they supposed to translate to any job?
Problem: Bethesda have no idea how skills work. Most notably, "Up yours!", "Scream for help" and "Pray to God" are not in any way acceptable speech or barter checks.
Problem: After the test you can freely change it however you like, even if you tell your teacher it came out perfect. Later in the game, you get a second chance at changing it.
Problem: Your teacher confirms that the entire "test" is a joke and that he got his position by answering randomly. Can we take this as actual in-game verification that there might be a lot of cases where the wrong people are on the wrong position?
Solution: I want to die.
06: Escape!
What: Your dad escape from the vault. Then you escape from the vault.
Problem: The Overseer and the guards try to kill you and everyone else from escaping.
Solution: The Overseer and the guards try to stop you and everyone else from escaping. I mean, holy fucking shit, this place only has like twenty inhabitants! Jesus! Be careful, goddammit.
07: Click to open vault door.
What: Even if you don't go through the secret Overseer tunnel, escaping isn't a big deal. Just take a right before you enter the reactor store room. Don't worry, it's not locked. Nothing is locked.
Problem: Escaping the vault is easy. Why hasn't it happened before?
Solution: Lock the doors and have guards positioned where having guards positioned matters.