Villagkouras
Arcane
Ι'll wait 3,5 months to brofist you.
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- Thread starter DarkUnderlord
- Start date
Ι'll wait 3,5 months to brofist you.
tuluse
Arcane
- Joined
- Jul 20, 2008
- Messages
- 11,400
Vault Dweller
Should have called it Project Infinity and Beyond as a reference to Buzz Lightyear
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ejwrxGs_Y_I
Should have called it Project Infinity and Beyond as a reference to Buzz Lightyear
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ejwrxGs_Y_I
- Joined
- Apr 15, 2010
- Messages
- 21,144
Fake edit: I can't believe I actually wrote this shit out. Fuck this place.
The Balance of Erich Zann
"Can I play as a mole person?" asks a questionably inebriated Feargus.
"No, you can't play as a mole person. This is Dungeons and Dragons. You can play as a human, elf, half-elf, dwarf, gnome, halfling or half-orc" answers an exasperated Josh Sawyer.
"B...ut this is pen and paper. Why am I limited to some shit Baldur's Gate race."
"Because we are designing some "shit" Baldur's Gate type game. Can you guys fill out your character sheets already? It's been over an hour and some of you are still stuck on your race."
"Are there going to be any wolves in this game?" asks a definitely inebriated Chris Avellone.
"Legions of them. Where's your character sheet?"
Chris pushes away a big pile of Doritos to reveal an orange dust encrusted character sheet.
"I'm playing as a level 14 mole person cook. I rolled a natural 20 on my attack roll" says Chris who then downs another shot of spiked Mountain Dew.
"You can't roll attacks yet, the game hasn't even started. And I already said you can't play as a mole person. There isn't even such a thing as a fucking mole person. For fuck's sake. Tim, is yours done?"
An apparently sober Tim Cain hands Josh his character sheet.
"Hmm. Level 10 Elf rogue. Everything seems in order."
"Can I roll for my penis circumference now?" asks a giggling Tim Cain dispelling all suspicion of sobriety. Feargus and Chris start laughing with him.
"Allright you know what, fuck you guys" shouts an angry Josh and kicks the table away from him.
"C'mon, don't be mad, it's all in good fun." Tim tries to comfort Josh but Josh pushes him away.
"It's the middle of a work day and you're all piss drunk!"
"How do you think we got through developing a South Park rpg. You'd have to be piss drunk to even agree to something like that."
"I was." quips Feargus.
"Are there any wolves in South Park?"
"Mountains of them." retorts Sawyer. "Alright, fuck P&P. We're gonna larp this shit out. I'm assigning races and classes to everybody. We're all humans. I'm cleric. Tim, you're the wizard."
"He is" nods Chris approvingly.
"Chris, you're the rogue."
"I'm dashing enough to be one, yes."
"Finally, Feargus, you can be the fi...."
"Paladin!"
"No, Fea..."
"PALADIN!"
"Fuck fine, you can be the paladin. Let's go."
"Where are we going?"
"The Obsidian basement."
The other three stopped in their tracks.
"I don't think that's such a good idea" says a fearful Feargus. "I mean, you guys remember how we got this building so cheap, right?"
"Yeah, I believe the description was "the cops were balls deep in corpses by the time they got to the basement", right?" responds a suddenly serious Chris.
"It used to host the RPG Codex servers until their "Saint Proverbius" went mad and started kidnapping people off the streets and ritually slaughtering them. Mostly women, children and the elderly. Do we even have the lock to it? I thought Feargus sealed the door" chimes in Tim.
"I got the key. There's nothing to be afraid of. There's no such thing as ghosts" says Sawyer. "And if there is, I've got Turn Undead."
The four of them arrive at the large metal door that grants them access to the dungeons laying below Obsidian Entertainment. The inebriation was slowly giving way to a sublime dread crawling down their spines. Even Josh was becoming unnerved despite his brave, earlier words.
"Can I help you?"
The four of them turn around, startled.
"Name's Erich Zann. I'm the janitor here. You gentlemen aren't thinking of going in, are you?"
"Well..." starts off Josh.
"I was actually the first janitor here. Did you know that?"
"No, but..."
Erich Zann sighs.
"If you wanna go in there, I can't stop you. But maybe I can be of a little help"
Zann takes a small scale out of his pocket and hands it over to Josh. It's worn out but retains visible signs of its original ornate glory with detailed embroidery and two sirens acting as the arms. Josh takes it and puts it in his pocket.
"Thank you. But what's it for?" Josh looks up and Erich Zann is gone.
"What the fuck" says Chris Avellone. "He was here and a split second later he was gone. That's some freaky shit, man. Feargus, you're the boss, let's just get out of here."
Feargus is too busy munching on Doritos to notice. "Huh, what? What happened?"
Josh takes out a big, rusty key and inserts it into the basement door. It twists heavily and the door suddenly crashes open, knocking him backwards. His scared companions cannot help but gaze into the maw of the abyss opening up before them. Despite the well lit room they were in the light doesn't penetrate more than a couple of feet in. The darkness weighs heavily on their psyche and Josh has a hard time taking out a flash light from his pocket and handing it to Tim.
"I... I cast Light" says Tim and turns on the flashlight. The four of them venture in.
***
Twenty minutes in and the basement had been a complete disappointment. The investigative team appeared to have taken pretty much everything that wasn't nailed down.
"A pair of wolves appear before us" says Josh. Chris Avellone yelps loudly.
"I take a defensive stance with my Holy Avenger" says Feargus.
"We're level 1, you don't have a Holy Avenger. You take a defensive stance with your rusty claymore."
"Fine." says a disappointed Feargus.
"I hide in shadows" says Chris. Josh takes out his iphone and uses a dice rolling app.
"Sorry, you fail your attempt."
"Then I..."
"You used up your action. Tim?"
"I cast Magic Missile."
"The Magic Missile hits one of the wolves. It yelps in pain. I hit it with my warhammer and crush its skull in."
"Wait a second, shouldn't you make an attack roll?" says an angry Chris.
"I did."
"You did not! Your phone was in your pocket the whole time!"
"I made my roll when I made yours."
"Liar!"
"Guys, there's still another wolf left."
"The wolf lunges at Chris Avellone" says Josh who take out his phone to roll. "Ouch, what do you know. A natural 20."
"Let me see that... wait isn't Feargus guarding? How did it get to me?"
"Its disengagement roll was successful" says Josh drily.
"Bullshit, you didn't even roll that. And what the fuck is disengagement?"
A loud scream suddenly pierces the darkness.
"What the fuck was that?" asks Tim Cain. "It didn't even sound human."
Josh looks around to get his bearings but realizes that they're completely lost. "I take it nobody bothered to draw out a map or something while we were wandering down here."
"The building really shouldn't be so big as to require a map" says Feargus.
"Man, this is bullshit. I wanna get out of here. And not just because Josh cheats" says Chris.
"Alright, no need to panic. We'll just hug a wall and keep going until we find the exit" responds a shaken Tim.
"What if the wall is self contained? We'll go around in circles forever" says Josh. He then has an idea. He takes out one of his markers and drags it along the wall. "We'll switch walls to unmarked ones if we end up back here" he says, satisfied.
The four of them wander through darkness for a few minutes before they hear a soft sobbing from in front of them. A near catatonic Tim Cain raises his flashlight. A white figure is rolled up into a ball on the floor, shaking. Its hair is long and head covered by a wide brimmed hat.
"Are you OK little girl?" asks Chris, who lifts up the hat, only to find himself staring into the eyes of a Schwarzenegger figured creature with the head of a wolf.
The beast cackles maniacally and lifts Chris into the air by his neck. Adrenaline pumping through him, Feargus charges at the monster.
"Have I ever told you my Magnificent Seven argument?" asks the beast, who then draws a gun and shoots Feagus's legs out from under him in rapid succession.
"You can't do this shit in real time, motherfucker" says the beast with a smile.
"Saint Proverbius, at your service" he introduces himself with a bow and a smile, then throws Chris Avellone at Josh Sawyer and both of them are knocked down.
Proverbius walks towards Tim Cain, whose hand is shaking so badly that he can barely hold his flashlight straight.
"Do you fear me, manling? Are you scared I'll pull out your guts and strangle you with them? Or that I'll feast on your flesh while you still live, every bite I take pure agony? No, your fear is far more... primal. Perhaps you fear me or the rest of the boys will review one of your games?"
At the last one their eyes opened wide.
"No, please, anything but that!" lunges a desperate Josh. Proverbius dodges the awkward attack easily and kicks Sawyer away.
"But the boys have been so bored down here. Nothing to do all these years. Can you imagine what it's like, living right under one of the most prolific RPG developers of our time, having to listen to you people crank out derivative shit after derivative shit, no keyboard to eviscerate you with in sight? Have you looked at your work? Who the fuck do you think wants to play a "Svirfneblin Scholar of Candlekeep"? Come out boys, show your displeasure."
Out of the shadows two grim figures walk out. On the left, a skeleton with a knife between the ribs snaps his teeth at them. He can't speak but he wears a pair of torn jeans with the epithet "Street Lethal" painted on them in red. On the right, an aging man of no distinct appearance stands hunched over. He does not appear to be dead but also not quite alive, as if his vitality had been taken from him somehow.
"Thirteen to nothing..." mutters the latter.
"Why don't we play a game, you and I. I will give you half an hour to prepare. You win, we let you go and move on to the afterlife. We win, we bind your souls to this basement for all of eternity. We will review your games over and over and over and you will sit quietly and weep with every word."
With these words Proverbius waves his white cape and disappears. His ghoulish companions slowly fade away.
"Oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit" Chris Avellone rocks himself back and forth. Tim Cain is completely catatonic.
Josh slowly gets up and walks over to Feargus.
"You OK?"
"Yeah" says Feargus. The bullet wounds are gone. "These two on the other hand.... Chris? Hey Chris..."
"Game over man, game over" says Chris Avellone with terror in his eyes. Feargus hugs him and Chris weeps bitterly in his arms.
"Tim, buddy, you ok?" Josh walks up to Tim and takes his flashlight.
"Why does this always happen to us?" asks Tim. "Troika, Black Hound, I mean, does it ever end?"
"We got something going now" says Josh. "Maybe it'll work out, maybe it won't, but we got a good gig going now and I'm not letting the ghosts of the past take it away from us."
Josh sticks out his hand and Tim grabs it and lifts himself off the floor.
"You ok Chris?" asks Tim.
"Y... yeah. I think I am. Let's do this."
Josh runs his fingers on the small scale in his pocket. He has an idea. The four of them put their heads together and create a plan.
***
The door to the musty study creaks open. Proverbius looks up from his desk. Phelot and Crispy, his grim adjustants stand up. Four figures, walking with purpose and grim determination on their face step in. Feargus Urquhart stands before them like a shield with a wooden chair in his hands. Behind him, Josh Sawyer is at the ready with a 2x4 hunched over his shoulder while Chris Avellone appears to have found an old pen sharp enough to awkwardly stab with. Behind them flashed Tim Cain. He was unable to find a weapon so he decided to strip naked to provide his teammates with a psychological advantage.
"That's fucking disgusting" says Saint Proverbius.
"Before we go at it, I have a challenge for you" says Josh slyly. "How about we do this in turn based?"
"I'm intrigued. Go on" responds Proverbius.
"I use my app. We each roll an initiative that determines future orders. Each gets one move on their turn. Either an attack or movement based on how far you can hop a single time. We only move on our turns. How does it sound?"
"You know, it's amazing to me that you'd propose we turn real life into turn based when nearly all your RPGs are real time. If only you designed as well as you plead for your lives. Very well. I'm not sure what difference this makes but I'll play your silly little game."
Josh throws Proverbius his phone and Proverbius rolls their initiatives.
"Avellone, 9, Sawyer, 7, Urquhart, 16, Cain, 1, Phelot, 12, Crispy, 17. And myself... 8. Let us begin."
The two groups glare at each other for almost a minute. Crispy draws a shotgun and fires it at a nearby wall.
"Well, I've seen worse aim..." says Josh.
"What the fuck Crispy?" yells a visibly angry Proverbius.
"Leave me alone, I tried."
Feargus leaps at Proverbius and brings his chair down on his head, but the chair phases through Proverbius's body and breaks against the concrete floor. Proverbius laughs.
"Sorry boys, being a spectral figure provides something of a hard counter against physical attacks."
Phelot wastes no time moving. In one motion he grabs his own chair, leaps through the air and brings it down on Chris Avellone who narrowly dodges. Phelot manages to slow down his motion enough to avoid the chair breaking, and takes a defensive posture.
"You know," says Josh "I know your crowd really isn't into real time games, but real time has some advantages."
"Like what?" says Proverbius, spittle flying out of his mouth.
"Like simultaneous actions..."
"Ha. Phase based is still turn based and it can do that."
"Not with split second alteration of plans" says Josh with a triumphant smirk.
Feargus dives at Phelot. Phelot tries to block with the chair but Feargus's crushing weight is too much for him, his bones break and shatter across the floor. Avellone charges at Proverbius and before Proverbius can fully process the deception pierces his shooting hand with his pen. Proverbius howls in pain.
"You know, I don't just strip for fun. When I'm naked, it's almost as if I can fly" says Tim, who trips up Proverbius from behind.
"How is this possible? I am a ghost, you should not be able to touch me unless I will it" screams Proverbius. Josh steps over him, 2x4 in hand.
"There's no such thing as a hard counter in our world" says Josh "but if there was, there's no harder counter than a 2x4".
Crispy shoots at the wall again.
"Goddamit"
Josh brings down the 2x4 on Proverbius's head and smashes it to a bloody pulp. The four of them look at Crispy.
"Right right, I'll just run away. I know when I'm beaten" says Crispy and disappears.
***
"Well, what did you think? Was it a good scenario or what? Think we can turn it into a full blown cRPG" asks Josh?
"I thought we were gonna play D&D" says Feargus.
"We did. I just adapted the ruleset for a modern setting. I think the Codex will like it."
"Is adapt a PC word for gangrape into a coma?" mutters Tim.
"Isn't that what we do?" asks a hopeful Josh.
"There's no point in the codex liking it if nobody else does" says Feargus.
"Well I liked it" replies Avellone. "At least there weren't any wolves."
"Fuck you guys" says Tim Cain. "This is too gay, even for me."
Feargus, Chris and Tim get up and walk away.
"Come on guys, it wasn't that bad!" whines Josh.
Feargus stops, turns around and looks at him. "Yeah it was. But you know something, you're right about one thing. Nobody wants to play a Svirfneblin Scholar of Candlekeep. From now on, make all the classes fun."
Josh takes the small scale out of his pocket and smiles.
"I will."
The Balance of Erich Zann
"Can I play as a mole person?" asks a questionably inebriated Feargus.
"No, you can't play as a mole person. This is Dungeons and Dragons. You can play as a human, elf, half-elf, dwarf, gnome, halfling or half-orc" answers an exasperated Josh Sawyer.
"B...ut this is pen and paper. Why am I limited to some shit Baldur's Gate race."
"Because we are designing some "shit" Baldur's Gate type game. Can you guys fill out your character sheets already? It's been over an hour and some of you are still stuck on your race."
"Are there going to be any wolves in this game?" asks a definitely inebriated Chris Avellone.
"Legions of them. Where's your character sheet?"
Chris pushes away a big pile of Doritos to reveal an orange dust encrusted character sheet.
"I'm playing as a level 14 mole person cook. I rolled a natural 20 on my attack roll" says Chris who then downs another shot of spiked Mountain Dew.
"You can't roll attacks yet, the game hasn't even started. And I already said you can't play as a mole person. There isn't even such a thing as a fucking mole person. For fuck's sake. Tim, is yours done?"
An apparently sober Tim Cain hands Josh his character sheet.
"Hmm. Level 10 Elf rogue. Everything seems in order."
"Can I roll for my penis circumference now?" asks a giggling Tim Cain dispelling all suspicion of sobriety. Feargus and Chris start laughing with him.
"Allright you know what, fuck you guys" shouts an angry Josh and kicks the table away from him.
"C'mon, don't be mad, it's all in good fun." Tim tries to comfort Josh but Josh pushes him away.
"It's the middle of a work day and you're all piss drunk!"
"How do you think we got through developing a South Park rpg. You'd have to be piss drunk to even agree to something like that."
"I was." quips Feargus.
"Are there any wolves in South Park?"
"Mountains of them." retorts Sawyer. "Alright, fuck P&P. We're gonna larp this shit out. I'm assigning races and classes to everybody. We're all humans. I'm cleric. Tim, you're the wizard."
"He is" nods Chris approvingly.
"Chris, you're the rogue."
"I'm dashing enough to be one, yes."
"Finally, Feargus, you can be the fi...."
"Paladin!"
"No, Fea..."
"PALADIN!"
"Fuck fine, you can be the paladin. Let's go."
"Where are we going?"
"The Obsidian basement."
The other three stopped in their tracks.
"I don't think that's such a good idea" says a fearful Feargus. "I mean, you guys remember how we got this building so cheap, right?"
"Yeah, I believe the description was "the cops were balls deep in corpses by the time they got to the basement", right?" responds a suddenly serious Chris.
"It used to host the RPG Codex servers until their "Saint Proverbius" went mad and started kidnapping people off the streets and ritually slaughtering them. Mostly women, children and the elderly. Do we even have the lock to it? I thought Feargus sealed the door" chimes in Tim.
"I got the key. There's nothing to be afraid of. There's no such thing as ghosts" says Sawyer. "And if there is, I've got Turn Undead."
The four of them arrive at the large metal door that grants them access to the dungeons laying below Obsidian Entertainment. The inebriation was slowly giving way to a sublime dread crawling down their spines. Even Josh was becoming unnerved despite his brave, earlier words.
"Can I help you?"
The four of them turn around, startled.
"Name's Erich Zann. I'm the janitor here. You gentlemen aren't thinking of going in, are you?"
"Well..." starts off Josh.
"I was actually the first janitor here. Did you know that?"
"No, but..."
Erich Zann sighs.
"If you wanna go in there, I can't stop you. But maybe I can be of a little help"
Zann takes a small scale out of his pocket and hands it over to Josh. It's worn out but retains visible signs of its original ornate glory with detailed embroidery and two sirens acting as the arms. Josh takes it and puts it in his pocket.
"Thank you. But what's it for?" Josh looks up and Erich Zann is gone.
"What the fuck" says Chris Avellone. "He was here and a split second later he was gone. That's some freaky shit, man. Feargus, you're the boss, let's just get out of here."
Feargus is too busy munching on Doritos to notice. "Huh, what? What happened?"
Josh takes out a big, rusty key and inserts it into the basement door. It twists heavily and the door suddenly crashes open, knocking him backwards. His scared companions cannot help but gaze into the maw of the abyss opening up before them. Despite the well lit room they were in the light doesn't penetrate more than a couple of feet in. The darkness weighs heavily on their psyche and Josh has a hard time taking out a flash light from his pocket and handing it to Tim.
"I... I cast Light" says Tim and turns on the flashlight. The four of them venture in.
***
Twenty minutes in and the basement had been a complete disappointment. The investigative team appeared to have taken pretty much everything that wasn't nailed down.
"A pair of wolves appear before us" says Josh. Chris Avellone yelps loudly.
"I take a defensive stance with my Holy Avenger" says Feargus.
"We're level 1, you don't have a Holy Avenger. You take a defensive stance with your rusty claymore."
"Fine." says a disappointed Feargus.
"I hide in shadows" says Chris. Josh takes out his iphone and uses a dice rolling app.
"Sorry, you fail your attempt."
"Then I..."
"You used up your action. Tim?"
"I cast Magic Missile."
"The Magic Missile hits one of the wolves. It yelps in pain. I hit it with my warhammer and crush its skull in."
"Wait a second, shouldn't you make an attack roll?" says an angry Chris.
"I did."
"You did not! Your phone was in your pocket the whole time!"
"I made my roll when I made yours."
"Liar!"
"Guys, there's still another wolf left."
"The wolf lunges at Chris Avellone" says Josh who take out his phone to roll. "Ouch, what do you know. A natural 20."
"Let me see that... wait isn't Feargus guarding? How did it get to me?"
"Its disengagement roll was successful" says Josh drily.
"Bullshit, you didn't even roll that. And what the fuck is disengagement?"
A loud scream suddenly pierces the darkness.
"What the fuck was that?" asks Tim Cain. "It didn't even sound human."
Josh looks around to get his bearings but realizes that they're completely lost. "I take it nobody bothered to draw out a map or something while we were wandering down here."
"The building really shouldn't be so big as to require a map" says Feargus.
"Man, this is bullshit. I wanna get out of here. And not just because Josh cheats" says Chris.
"Alright, no need to panic. We'll just hug a wall and keep going until we find the exit" responds a shaken Tim.
"What if the wall is self contained? We'll go around in circles forever" says Josh. He then has an idea. He takes out one of his markers and drags it along the wall. "We'll switch walls to unmarked ones if we end up back here" he says, satisfied.
The four of them wander through darkness for a few minutes before they hear a soft sobbing from in front of them. A near catatonic Tim Cain raises his flashlight. A white figure is rolled up into a ball on the floor, shaking. Its hair is long and head covered by a wide brimmed hat.
"Are you OK little girl?" asks Chris, who lifts up the hat, only to find himself staring into the eyes of a Schwarzenegger figured creature with the head of a wolf.
The beast cackles maniacally and lifts Chris into the air by his neck. Adrenaline pumping through him, Feargus charges at the monster.
"Have I ever told you my Magnificent Seven argument?" asks the beast, who then draws a gun and shoots Feagus's legs out from under him in rapid succession.
"You can't do this shit in real time, motherfucker" says the beast with a smile.
"Saint Proverbius, at your service" he introduces himself with a bow and a smile, then throws Chris Avellone at Josh Sawyer and both of them are knocked down.
Proverbius walks towards Tim Cain, whose hand is shaking so badly that he can barely hold his flashlight straight.
"Do you fear me, manling? Are you scared I'll pull out your guts and strangle you with them? Or that I'll feast on your flesh while you still live, every bite I take pure agony? No, your fear is far more... primal. Perhaps you fear me or the rest of the boys will review one of your games?"
At the last one their eyes opened wide.
"No, please, anything but that!" lunges a desperate Josh. Proverbius dodges the awkward attack easily and kicks Sawyer away.
"But the boys have been so bored down here. Nothing to do all these years. Can you imagine what it's like, living right under one of the most prolific RPG developers of our time, having to listen to you people crank out derivative shit after derivative shit, no keyboard to eviscerate you with in sight? Have you looked at your work? Who the fuck do you think wants to play a "Svirfneblin Scholar of Candlekeep"? Come out boys, show your displeasure."
Out of the shadows two grim figures walk out. On the left, a skeleton with a knife between the ribs snaps his teeth at them. He can't speak but he wears a pair of torn jeans with the epithet "Street Lethal" painted on them in red. On the right, an aging man of no distinct appearance stands hunched over. He does not appear to be dead but also not quite alive, as if his vitality had been taken from him somehow.
"Thirteen to nothing..." mutters the latter.
"Why don't we play a game, you and I. I will give you half an hour to prepare. You win, we let you go and move on to the afterlife. We win, we bind your souls to this basement for all of eternity. We will review your games over and over and over and you will sit quietly and weep with every word."
With these words Proverbius waves his white cape and disappears. His ghoulish companions slowly fade away.
"Oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit" Chris Avellone rocks himself back and forth. Tim Cain is completely catatonic.
Josh slowly gets up and walks over to Feargus.
"You OK?"
"Yeah" says Feargus. The bullet wounds are gone. "These two on the other hand.... Chris? Hey Chris..."
"Game over man, game over" says Chris Avellone with terror in his eyes. Feargus hugs him and Chris weeps bitterly in his arms.
"Tim, buddy, you ok?" Josh walks up to Tim and takes his flashlight.
"Why does this always happen to us?" asks Tim. "Troika, Black Hound, I mean, does it ever end?"
"We got something going now" says Josh. "Maybe it'll work out, maybe it won't, but we got a good gig going now and I'm not letting the ghosts of the past take it away from us."
Josh sticks out his hand and Tim grabs it and lifts himself off the floor.
"You ok Chris?" asks Tim.
"Y... yeah. I think I am. Let's do this."
Josh runs his fingers on the small scale in his pocket. He has an idea. The four of them put their heads together and create a plan.
***
The door to the musty study creaks open. Proverbius looks up from his desk. Phelot and Crispy, his grim adjustants stand up. Four figures, walking with purpose and grim determination on their face step in. Feargus Urquhart stands before them like a shield with a wooden chair in his hands. Behind him, Josh Sawyer is at the ready with a 2x4 hunched over his shoulder while Chris Avellone appears to have found an old pen sharp enough to awkwardly stab with. Behind them flashed Tim Cain. He was unable to find a weapon so he decided to strip naked to provide his teammates with a psychological advantage.
"That's fucking disgusting" says Saint Proverbius.
"Before we go at it, I have a challenge for you" says Josh slyly. "How about we do this in turn based?"
"I'm intrigued. Go on" responds Proverbius.
"I use my app. We each roll an initiative that determines future orders. Each gets one move on their turn. Either an attack or movement based on how far you can hop a single time. We only move on our turns. How does it sound?"
"You know, it's amazing to me that you'd propose we turn real life into turn based when nearly all your RPGs are real time. If only you designed as well as you plead for your lives. Very well. I'm not sure what difference this makes but I'll play your silly little game."
Josh throws Proverbius his phone and Proverbius rolls their initiatives.
"Avellone, 9, Sawyer, 7, Urquhart, 16, Cain, 1, Phelot, 12, Crispy, 17. And myself... 8. Let us begin."
The two groups glare at each other for almost a minute. Crispy draws a shotgun and fires it at a nearby wall.
"Well, I've seen worse aim..." says Josh.
"What the fuck Crispy?" yells a visibly angry Proverbius.
"Leave me alone, I tried."
Feargus leaps at Proverbius and brings his chair down on his head, but the chair phases through Proverbius's body and breaks against the concrete floor. Proverbius laughs.
"Sorry boys, being a spectral figure provides something of a hard counter against physical attacks."
Phelot wastes no time moving. In one motion he grabs his own chair, leaps through the air and brings it down on Chris Avellone who narrowly dodges. Phelot manages to slow down his motion enough to avoid the chair breaking, and takes a defensive posture.
"You know," says Josh "I know your crowd really isn't into real time games, but real time has some advantages."
"Like what?" says Proverbius, spittle flying out of his mouth.
"Like simultaneous actions..."
"Ha. Phase based is still turn based and it can do that."
"Not with split second alteration of plans" says Josh with a triumphant smirk.
Feargus dives at Phelot. Phelot tries to block with the chair but Feargus's crushing weight is too much for him, his bones break and shatter across the floor. Avellone charges at Proverbius and before Proverbius can fully process the deception pierces his shooting hand with his pen. Proverbius howls in pain.
"You know, I don't just strip for fun. When I'm naked, it's almost as if I can fly" says Tim, who trips up Proverbius from behind.
"How is this possible? I am a ghost, you should not be able to touch me unless I will it" screams Proverbius. Josh steps over him, 2x4 in hand.
"There's no such thing as a hard counter in our world" says Josh "but if there was, there's no harder counter than a 2x4".
Crispy shoots at the wall again.
"Goddamit"
Josh brings down the 2x4 on Proverbius's head and smashes it to a bloody pulp. The four of them look at Crispy.
"Right right, I'll just run away. I know when I'm beaten" says Crispy and disappears.
***
"Well, what did you think? Was it a good scenario or what? Think we can turn it into a full blown cRPG" asks Josh?
"I thought we were gonna play D&D" says Feargus.
"We did. I just adapted the ruleset for a modern setting. I think the Codex will like it."
"Is adapt a PC word for gangrape into a coma?" mutters Tim.
"Isn't that what we do?" asks a hopeful Josh.
"There's no point in the codex liking it if nobody else does" says Feargus.
"Well I liked it" replies Avellone. "At least there weren't any wolves."
"Fuck you guys" says Tim Cain. "This is too gay, even for me."
Feargus, Chris and Tim get up and walk away.
"Come on guys, it wasn't that bad!" whines Josh.
Feargus stops, turns around and looks at him. "Yeah it was. But you know something, you're right about one thing. Nobody wants to play a Svirfneblin Scholar of Candlekeep. From now on, make all the classes fun."
Josh takes the small scale out of his pocket and smiles.
"I will."
set
Arcane
- Joined
- Oct 21, 2013
- Messages
- 944
One day Josh was roleplaying as an Orc Wizard. In order to make a believable character, Josh put most of his points in strength and constitution. He was only able to put enough points in intellect to offset being a stupid Orc. He named his Orc "Dr'Ragtha" and spent many hours creating a tragic backstory to explain how this warrior disavowed the sword and took up the staff.
Halfway through the campaign, after being saved time and time again by his party... Josh finally lost it.
"Why does my character suck?" said Josh, his voice pinched in a whine.
"Because you're playing stupid, stupid." said Max (who was naturally a minmaxer). Max was playing as some intelligent race with a highly intelligent wizard. He had all the right merits and shit to be good at spellcasting, "Orcs can't be wizards." Max looked back at his computer, which had several instances of Microsoft Excel open, "Can I take Mega Magic Mastery at 12?" he asked the DM offhandedly.
"Sure they can. Well, maybe not all of them, but it's racist to say there can't be a single Orc that can be good at being a Wizard."
"Dude, I told to drop your Women's Studies degree! Look at what it's done to you!"
"I want to be a special Snowflake," said Josh, doing a wonderful interpretation of Milton from Office Space, "Dr'Ragtha has heart! Why can't he just be like an Orc Gandalf?
"You've snapped dude. You can't just be anything you want. It's D&D. You need to stick to the archetypes."
Chris flipped the table and stomped all over the ground. Tears were in his eyes. "Then I'll make my own game! You'll see!!!"
Halfway through the campaign, after being saved time and time again by his party... Josh finally lost it.
"Why does my character suck?" said Josh, his voice pinched in a whine.
"Because you're playing stupid, stupid." said Max (who was naturally a minmaxer). Max was playing as some intelligent race with a highly intelligent wizard. He had all the right merits and shit to be good at spellcasting, "Orcs can't be wizards." Max looked back at his computer, which had several instances of Microsoft Excel open, "Can I take Mega Magic Mastery at 12?" he asked the DM offhandedly.
"Sure they can. Well, maybe not all of them, but it's racist to say there can't be a single Orc that can be good at being a Wizard."
"Dude, I told to drop your Women's Studies degree! Look at what it's done to you!"
"I want to be a special Snowflake," said Josh, doing a wonderful interpretation of Milton from Office Space, "Dr'Ragtha has heart! Why can't he just be like an Orc Gandalf?
"You've snapped dude. You can't just be anything you want. It's D&D. You need to stick to the archetypes."
Chris flipped the table and stomped all over the ground. Tears were in his eyes. "Then I'll make my own game! You'll see!!!"
"Well I liked it" replies Avellone. "At least there weren't any wolves."
J: I cast fireball. [Rolls a d20] Level variation is 8, so...
DM: It's -1 to your level. Roll a d100.
J: [Rolls the dice, gets 12]
DM: There is a wild surge and your head enlarges for... [rolls 1d3] 2 turns...
J: This is bull... eureka!
Reference to AD&D's wild magic. Whatever
DM: It's -1 to your level. Roll a d100.
J: [Rolls the dice, gets 12]
DM: There is a wild surge and your head enlarges for... [rolls 1d3] 2 turns...
J: This is bull... eureka!
Reference to AD&D's wild magic. Whatever
Kem0sabe
Arcane
Sawyer wasnt "put" on the path to Balance...
... Sawyer woke up one day with the balance inside him, after the holy spirit told him that it was he who would bring balance to mankind.
Immaculate Balance
... Sawyer woke up one day with the balance inside him, after the holy spirit told him that it was he who would bring balance to mankind.
Immaculate Balance
Shannow
Waster of Time
You suck all fun out of life. Like Sawyer (and Schäuble).
Anyway, my chance to torture you guys with really bad prose:
Josh had been so looking forward to this and the evening had started so promising. But now things are quickly spiraling out of control and Josh can't help but think about all the choices that had led him here. If he had known then what he knows now, would he have done anything differently?
Tim had finally allowed Josh to join "The Circle". It had taken a lot of begging for Josh to get this far. Tim had been a hard nut to crack, but he had been finally won over. The 10$ had helped, too.
If Tim had been a hard nut, Mom had been a cannon ball. The Reverend had had warned all parents about "Dungeons & Dragons". Had had explained how it led to Satanism. It had taken weeks for Josh to convince Mom that D&D was just make believe playing around a table with friends and had nothing to do with worship of the Devil. When he promised to permanently take over the chore of bringing out the trash and of mowing the lawn every saturday she had finally given in.
TSo the day had arrived. He'd finally get to play his first game of D&D. Not only that, he was going to sleep over at Tim's, too. Not only an evening, but a whole night of D&D. And Tim's parents were out. A fact Mom was unaware of. And Josh would do his best to make sure it'd stay that way. He didn't even want to imagine the trouble he'd be in...
Making his way to Tim's two-storyhouse, he noticed that it was growing dark already. Dark clouds were pulling together and rapidly approaching from the West. As Josh picked up his pace, he wasn't all that sure about the whole thing anymore. Sure Tim, Chris, Brian, Georgy, David, Bran and Gus were always talking about D&D and The Circle. And they were the coolest kids he knew, but calling it "The Circle"? That did have an ominous ring to it. The Reverend knew all about the Good Book, about Heaven and Hell. Didn't that mean that he was also right about D&D? As his doubts grew Josh's recently quickened stride started to falter. Upon reaching the last corner before Tim's home he came to a halt. Tim would want his ten bucks anyway, and Josh knew that Mom would insist on him taking out the trash and mowing the lawn. After his week-long begging she would not put up with him backing out of the deal. But wouldn't that be a small price to pay for his eternal soul? So should he turn back now?
Unsure, Josh looked back the way he'd come. The street lay in near total darkness now. No people were in sight and none of the houses had any lights on. Everything felt...deserted. Suddenly a gust of wind blew into his face and forced his eyes shut. It was cold and carried a smell of rotten eggs with it. The boy shivered but took a step towards home anyway. Then another. And a third. He'd made up his mind. With his fourth step he was hit by a second gust. Stronger than the last, it actually pushed him back two steps and hit him not only with the rotten egg stink but also with the first drops of what quickly turned into a lashing rain. The rain was accompanied by lighning in the distance and a few seconds later by thunder. This changed his mind once again. Home was a ten minute walk against the wind and the lashing rain. Tim's house was just around the corner. So he turned around once more and started down the street. The wind seemed to push him along and the drops grew more numerous. Before he knew it, he was standing in front of Tim's door, ringing the bell.
It was opened almost instantly. Tim smiled at him. "Looks like you just avoided a drenching. A stormy, dark night? Perfect setting for what I had in mind. We will even have a full moon, though I doubt we'll get to see it with all those clouds. Come in, come in.", he said with a wink. As he ushered Josh in, the chubby boy commented: "The others are already here. You are the last. Looks like we can finally start."
"We have been waiting for you. Now we can finally begin.", said Chris by way of greeting as Josh and Tim entered the living room. Bran waved. The others merely nodded and smiled.
"Time to get started.", said Gus, rubbing his hands. He was obviosly excited. In that moment lightning flashed outside, casting the room in stark blacks and whites. In this light the five boys looking at Josh seemed to have a weird expressions on their faces. Strangers, with false, smiling masks. That seemed to hide something unfriendly, teeth glinting in the light, nostrils flared and eyes wide and driven. The surreal moment didn't last longer than the flash, and afterwards all Josh saw were the same boys he knew from school. The same boys he'd known since he'd moved here five months previously. It must have been his imagination.
Tim had been about to say something when the lightning flashed. Now his brow furrowed as he saw Josh's expression. He looked as if he was about to ask something, then thought better of it. Finding his smile again Tim said: "Anyway, before we get starte-". Thunder drowned out the rest of his words. Now all the boys looked worriedly out into the dark then at each other. Tim laughed and broke the awkward moment.
"Great night for The Circle.", he said. "But I'd like to strengthen myself before we get started", he said laughing while patting his stomach, "Who's for pizza?".
With that the tension broke completely and the boys paid more attention to their pizzas than to the storm.
By the time they finished the it had grown in force and the wind was howling and rattling on doors and windows. The rain was a constant pattattatatatpatpat. Lightning and thunder were frequent but seemed to be growing more distant.
"Now. To the main course.", said Tim wearing his smile again. "You know what to do." And the boys bustled into motion.
Brian produced some candles. From where, Josh coudn't tell. He set them in a circle on the large table after Georgy cleared the pizza boxes away. Once they were lighted, Gus killed the main room lights. The room was cast in flickering, gloomy shadows, every once in a while punctured by lightning flashes. The boys gathered around the table. Tim put a CD into the stereo. Disquieting, otherwordly music accompanied by a haunting female voice filled the gloom.
"Dead Can Dance.", he said with a flat voice. "We always use that band for our sessions.
Now, we were going to start a new campain anyway. But since Josh joined us for the first time today, I have planned something special. Are you ready?
We're going to play...a He-Man campaign!" This announcement left the boys speechless for a moment.
Then everybody was talking at the same time.
"Awesome!"
"Great!"
"Cool idea!"
"Wicked!"
Josh didn't join in. If he had his doubts about D&D, "He-Man" was out of the question. The Reverend had been clear about that. Claiming to be the masters of the universe? Praying for power to a grey skull? If that wasn't satanism, what was? The other boys didn't notice Josh's trepidation. As the music continued to play the candles sent fiendish shadows accross their excited faces . But he couldn't leave now, could he? They'd ridicule him for the rest of his life. And they'd been the only ones who'd shown any interest in being his friends since he moved here. Just as he resolved that he could perhaps find a way to play without praying to the devil, the others quieted down an Tim adressed him: "And since you're new, you get to play He-Man."
Thunder seemed to shake whole house as the candles flickered.
"Me? Wouldn't one of you guys...?"
"No, no. Our roles are set. I'm the DM, Chris will be Orko, Gus is Stratos, Bran Ram-Man, Brian Man-At-Arms, Georgy Mekaneck and David is Teela.
You are Adam/He-Man."
"I...well, ok."
Josh ha felt pushed since leaving home. But he decided, that he'd be ok as long as he didn't pray to the devil. It was just a game after all. And with this giving in a whole new world opened up for Josh. The others explained all about stats, dices and creating your character. The next two hours passed without Josh even noticing, the storm all but forgotten. Josh was having the time of his life.
Until they had their first combat encounter.
Tim says: "Now Josh. Adam is useless in combat. You have to hold you sword aloft and say "By the power of Greyskull! I have the power."."
So here he is. The last hours were so great, but now things are spiraling out of control. With his eternal soul at risk Josh can't think of a way of getting out of this without looking like a total dork. Josh realizes that all his choices led him to this point. He is painfully aware that the others are waiting for his answer.
"I...I'd rather not. Can't I just fight as Adam? I like Adam. I want to play as Adam, not as He-Man."
Everybody stares at him open-mouthed.
"But, but the whole point of playing Adam is so that you can transform into He-Man, when you go into combat. You need to say the words. Then you're the most powerful man in the universe." says Bran. The others are too stunned to say anything.
Josh replies: "He-man being the most powerful is really unbalanced. That's not fun. I think the system should be balanced in such a way, that every character is viable. "
Tim tries another route: "We're playing He-Man D&D and you are frigging He-Man. Now say the words and we can continue playing. It's the rules!"
But Josh is finally finding the iron core of is soul. The storm is just a storm, and getting weaker. The candles are just a cheesy way of generating atmosphere. The music is still a little creepy but he's starting to like it. And the others are just boys and not some crazy satanistic cult trying to seduce him. They might not like it, but they'll accept him the way he is. More assured than he has ever felt before he says: "I fight as Adam!"
Sighing Tim just nods and rolls the dice.
Looking up from the cast die he says: "You are dead. Sorry."
That is the moment in which Josh decides to make it his life's goal to design a perfectly balanced RPG where every character is viable without worshipping the devil. He'll call it Pillars of Eternia or something similar. Nobody should be forced to play He-Man if they want to play Adam.
Alternative ending:
Josh says the words, is posessed by the Devil and sent on a crusade against fun.
hiver
Guest
Looks at bubbles with squinited eyes. Taps talons over the keyboard.
I'm Big Into Anal
Arcane
i would like to register interest in this wheeze and am hereby formally entering this esteemed competition by virtue of this post
Aenra
Guest
this man has my vote, lol
Sensuki
Arcane
Dead Can Dance were awesome live, time to play some
Bubbles
I'm forever blowing
- Joined
- Aug 7, 2013
- Messages
- 7,817
Location: a slightly musty basement room. There are at least a dozen bookcases and many small stands (actually old stereo speakers) with lit candles on them along with various objects such as a foot long Chinese junk, a tiny motorized statue of a cherub pissing in a fountain, a magic 8-ball. The walls are covered with medieval weapon replicas and a blacklight Velvis. Hanging in one corner is a gag clock in the shape of a cat, it's eyes and tail moving back and forth as it "ticks".
In the center of the room is a billiard table surrounded by bar stools. There is an electric candelabra/ceiling fan suspended over the table, the dimmer set low for atmosphere.
F.U.: "You said you were bored of the same old cliches?"
T.C.: "Yes, I'm sick of elf, wizard, cleric, blah blah blah inky-poo fuckin' bullshit!"
C.A.: "Me too, and all the airbrushed shiny shit and phat lewt sparkly handholding tripe."
J.S.: "Yeah, we need boundaries to hold all the stuff together, but why these boundaries?"
F.U.: "Ok, we'll be mining the olde rule books for atmosphere and quirkiness". "What's this? 'playing as monsters' from the 1E DM's guide?"
"Wanna be a team of adventuring monsters?"
All: "Yes!"
T.C.: "Ooh! I'll be a Beholder!"
F.U.: "Um, there has to be a rationale of how you all got together, etc."
T.C.: "My Beholder wants to See The World. Get it?"
F.U.: "Hurrrrr"
T.C.: "Ok, let me think. Hmm... How about a Skeleton Warrior? I was Geased to perform some quest, but got cursed with forgetfulness. We'll figure the details out later."
F.U.: "That's a good start, how about you guys?"
C.A.: "We're mining old books, right? Remember that reincarnated Lizard Man guy from the Rogues Gallery? Let's flip that around and have something reincarnated as human that wasn't. What to do what to do what to do? I'll have to roll this over in my head for a while."
J.S.: "I got one: An Astral Searcher hijacks an Ettin, but just one head?" "Or maybe, since we're mining old crap... ah yes! There was that little section in that old DM's Guide on Boot Hill and Gamma World crossover campaigns. Yeah! Some kind of mutant with Planar Travel but it got triggered while being attacked with De-Evolution and the ability is gone now (supposedly), and it's stuck here in this world. Maybe it's a non-standard Orlen and I can substitute that for Ettin. Yeah, this could work. And the Astral Searcher's psychic resonance has attracted an Obb as a pet/sidekick, with mysterious motives."
F.U.: "I'll allow it." "BUT... you don't control the Searcher or the Obb, so I'll be putting some intra-party conflict into your intra-party conflict."
F.U.: "Chris, any progress?"
C.A.: "A Doppleganger with lycanthropy? And a Tween! So everyone in the party is Jinxed, except me!"
T.C./J.S.: "Don't be a dick."
C.A.: "OK, fine. Shit would have been banal shit boring anyway." "How about a Homonculus made by a Wild Wizard who tried modifying the humonculus recipe with a Flesh Golem manual, then summoned it as his Familiar? But things went wrong. Very wrong."
F.U.: "That's interesting. There may be complications down the road." <evil grin>
J.S.: "We still don't know how we got together. Do we play that out, or just write in a backstory?"
F.U.: "You all have matching tattoos..."
All: :groan:
J.S.: "The tattoo/curse thing has been done, you know. We need plot cohesion, but there has to be a middle path between railroading and pointlessly repetitive sandboxes where everything is allowed and nothing matters."
F.U.: "What do you suggest?"
J.S.: "We can have foils, deus ex machina, patrons, and so on, but they cancel each other out to some extent."
F.U.: "That's a bit vague."
J.S.: "You're the DM. You can tell us stuff, but it doesn't have to be true. That way you can change it without contradicting yourself."
F.U.: :sigh: "That's enough for tonight. I'll do some brainstorming."
In the center of the room is a billiard table surrounded by bar stools. There is an electric candelabra/ceiling fan suspended over the table, the dimmer set low for atmosphere.
F.U.: "You said you were bored of the same old cliches?"
T.C.: "Yes, I'm sick of elf, wizard, cleric, blah blah blah inky-poo fuckin' bullshit!"
C.A.: "Me too, and all the airbrushed shiny shit and phat lewt sparkly handholding tripe."
J.S.: "Yeah, we need boundaries to hold all the stuff together, but why these boundaries?"
F.U.: "Ok, we'll be mining the olde rule books for atmosphere and quirkiness". "What's this? 'playing as monsters' from the 1E DM's guide?"
"Wanna be a team of adventuring monsters?"
All: "Yes!"
T.C.: "Ooh! I'll be a Beholder!"
F.U.: "Um, there has to be a rationale of how you all got together, etc."
T.C.: "My Beholder wants to See The World. Get it?"
F.U.: "Hurrrrr"
T.C.: "Ok, let me think. Hmm... How about a Skeleton Warrior? I was Geased to perform some quest, but got cursed with forgetfulness. We'll figure the details out later."
F.U.: "That's a good start, how about you guys?"
C.A.: "We're mining old books, right? Remember that reincarnated Lizard Man guy from the Rogues Gallery? Let's flip that around and have something reincarnated as human that wasn't. What to do what to do what to do? I'll have to roll this over in my head for a while."
J.S.: "I got one: An Astral Searcher hijacks an Ettin, but just one head?" "Or maybe, since we're mining old crap... ah yes! There was that little section in that old DM's Guide on Boot Hill and Gamma World crossover campaigns. Yeah! Some kind of mutant with Planar Travel but it got triggered while being attacked with De-Evolution and the ability is gone now (supposedly), and it's stuck here in this world. Maybe it's a non-standard Orlen and I can substitute that for Ettin. Yeah, this could work. And the Astral Searcher's psychic resonance has attracted an Obb as a pet/sidekick, with mysterious motives."
F.U.: "I'll allow it." "BUT... you don't control the Searcher or the Obb, so I'll be putting some intra-party conflict into your intra-party conflict."
F.U.: "Chris, any progress?"
C.A.: "A Doppleganger with lycanthropy? And a Tween! So everyone in the party is Jinxed, except me!"
T.C./J.S.: "Don't be a dick."
C.A.: "OK, fine. Shit would have been banal shit boring anyway." "How about a Homonculus made by a Wild Wizard who tried modifying the humonculus recipe with a Flesh Golem manual, then summoned it as his Familiar? But things went wrong. Very wrong."
F.U.: "That's interesting. There may be complications down the road." <evil grin>
J.S.: "We still don't know how we got together. Do we play that out, or just write in a backstory?"
F.U.: "You all have matching tattoos..."
All: :groan:
J.S.: "The tattoo/curse thing has been done, you know. We need plot cohesion, but there has to be a middle path between railroading and pointlessly repetitive sandboxes where everything is allowed and nothing matters."
F.U.: "What do you suggest?"
J.S.: "We can have foils, deus ex machina, patrons, and so on, but they cancel each other out to some extent."
F.U.: "That's a bit vague."
J.S.: "You're the DM. You can tell us stuff, but it doesn't have to be true. That way you can change it without contradicting yourself."
F.U.: :sigh: "That's enough for tonight. I'll do some brainstorming."
I'm gonna try to come up with something, but the topic is so narrow that the options are very limited.
Alex
Arcane
You really don't want that mutation table...
flabbyjack
Arcane
HAHAHA
- Joined
- Oct 19, 2007
- Messages
- 5,480
My entry:
Sawyer: *rolls dice*
Sawyer: "Shit."
Sawyer: *rolls dice*
Sawyer: "Shit."
- Joined
- Sep 7, 2013
- Messages
- 6,316
Josh Sawyer's gaze rose balefully from the folder entitled "Pillars of Eternity", meeting the expectant, happy faces of his co-workers glare for smile. They had put on their goofiest suits and ties. Chris was already tipping a flask of the hard stuff into his coffee, Tim had brought his best top hat, and Feargus was too busy slam dunking wadded up office paper into the nearby waste bin to bother filling out his character sheet. These grognards know serious a game was supposed to be? Oh, how he hated them.
“We ready?” the Head Designer asked, just barely managing to keep his voice civil. “I need to know if this house ruled D&D crap is going to work as a computer game.”
Chris Avellone raised a hand. The one equipped with his phony Pit-Boy. Josh Sawyer gritted his teeth at the sight of it, relic of a time before the MMOs, before the rise of Balance Immaculate.
“So, we doing a point buy thing? ‘Cause I’ve got this idea for a 22 strength fighter with low charisma…”
“No. We’ll roll for stats and discard the outliers.”
Some of their light left his colleagues eyes, and their shoulders sagged. The ghost of defiance crept into Tim Cain’s expression, but Josh Sawyer’s shaved head was luminous and big. Too luminous and big, the top hat was no match. The old man averted his face, stroking his beard.
“Don’t worry,” Josh Sawyer said. “The house rules will improve the experience.”
“In what way?” Chris asked mistrustfully.
“Well, to start with, every stat will matter equally.”
What color remained left Tim’s cheeks. Even Feargus looked hesitant now. The slam dunking stopped.
Chris swallowed. “But … but without distinction all of the stats will blur together and there will be no incentive to work toward the items that confer lopsided attribute bonuses.”
Josh waved a hand dismissively. “Oh, don’t worry. We’ll be using randomized loot tables to complement our totally even stats. Wouldn’t want someone to meta-game their way through a tough encounter, would we?”
The Head Designer relished the despair seeping in at the table. The ashen looks, the absence of any feeling of fun or anticipation of the adventure to come. Unbidden, there came a memory another place and time, where he had slaved as a junior designer for another man's heresy against the Balance Immaculate, doctoring in uneven challenges for a game where endless re-rolls and min-maxed parties eliminated any challenge from the start. It had been a campaign setting as icy as the deepest pits of his own fun hating heart. Hatred welled up inside him in defiance of this unwelcome recollection. There was no need to remember that. This was his moment, his time.
Tim cleared his throat. “Actually, I think I had better go help with the coding on the South Park RPG. Turn-based and all that you know…”
Feargus nodded a bit. "Think I might have another talk with Sega about Alpha Protocol 2, another direction, you know..."
The ranks were breaking. Sawyer had known the crisis points would lead up to this, and had couched his entire plan in one fact.
“Oh, but didn't I tell you?” he said. “George Ziets contributed to the story for this module. He’s moved on to freelance on Torment, so he won’t be able to write anything else. You wouldn't want to deprive your selves or our fans of that experience ... would you?"
From their looks of cornered desperation, he knew he had them. Tim’s hat went into the chest, tears streaming down his eyes in solemn remembrance of the SPECIAL system as the hum of Arcanum’s music played on his lips. Feargus let out a soft, pitiful sigh as the paper basketball dropped to the floor where it remained crumpled near his feet. Chris Avellone shook his flask wildly over his coffee, eyes wide, but no more whiskey came out.
It was then Josh Sawyer smiled. He had been waiting for this day, a long time.
Once he was satisfied this master stroke had laid waste to all resistance, the Head Designer removed the game documents from the folder and began rolling a pair of dice. "Well then, it starts with a caravan in the shadow of an ancient ruin..."
“We ready?” the Head Designer asked, just barely managing to keep his voice civil. “I need to know if this house ruled D&D crap is going to work as a computer game.”
Chris Avellone raised a hand. The one equipped with his phony Pit-Boy. Josh Sawyer gritted his teeth at the sight of it, relic of a time before the MMOs, before the rise of Balance Immaculate.
“So, we doing a point buy thing? ‘Cause I’ve got this idea for a 22 strength fighter with low charisma…”
“No. We’ll roll for stats and discard the outliers.”
Some of their light left his colleagues eyes, and their shoulders sagged. The ghost of defiance crept into Tim Cain’s expression, but Josh Sawyer’s shaved head was luminous and big. Too luminous and big, the top hat was no match. The old man averted his face, stroking his beard.
“Don’t worry,” Josh Sawyer said. “The house rules will improve the experience.”
“In what way?” Chris asked mistrustfully.
“Well, to start with, every stat will matter equally.”
What color remained left Tim’s cheeks. Even Feargus looked hesitant now. The slam dunking stopped.
Chris swallowed. “But … but without distinction all of the stats will blur together and there will be no incentive to work toward the items that confer lopsided attribute bonuses.”
Josh waved a hand dismissively. “Oh, don’t worry. We’ll be using randomized loot tables to complement our totally even stats. Wouldn’t want someone to meta-game their way through a tough encounter, would we?”
The Head Designer relished the despair seeping in at the table. The ashen looks, the absence of any feeling of fun or anticipation of the adventure to come. Unbidden, there came a memory another place and time, where he had slaved as a junior designer for another man's heresy against the Balance Immaculate, doctoring in uneven challenges for a game where endless re-rolls and min-maxed parties eliminated any challenge from the start. It had been a campaign setting as icy as the deepest pits of his own fun hating heart. Hatred welled up inside him in defiance of this unwelcome recollection. There was no need to remember that. This was his moment, his time.
Tim cleared his throat. “Actually, I think I had better go help with the coding on the South Park RPG. Turn-based and all that you know…”
Feargus nodded a bit. "Think I might have another talk with Sega about Alpha Protocol 2, another direction, you know..."
The ranks were breaking. Sawyer had known the crisis points would lead up to this, and had couched his entire plan in one fact.
“Oh, but didn't I tell you?” he said. “George Ziets contributed to the story for this module. He’s moved on to freelance on Torment, so he won’t be able to write anything else. You wouldn't want to deprive your selves or our fans of that experience ... would you?"
From their looks of cornered desperation, he knew he had them. Tim’s hat went into the chest, tears streaming down his eyes in solemn remembrance of the SPECIAL system as the hum of Arcanum’s music played on his lips. Feargus let out a soft, pitiful sigh as the paper basketball dropped to the floor where it remained crumpled near his feet. Chris Avellone shook his flask wildly over his coffee, eyes wide, but no more whiskey came out.
It was then Josh Sawyer smiled. He had been waiting for this day, a long time.
Once he was satisfied this master stroke had laid waste to all resistance, the Head Designer removed the game documents from the folder and began rolling a pair of dice. "Well then, it starts with a caravan in the shadow of an ancient ruin..."
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