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Competition Win a Royal Edition copy of Pillars of Eternity!
- Thread starter DarkUnderlord
- Start date
Dorateen
Arcane
A young Josh, Tim and MCA venture out to the hovel of the Dungeon Master, David Gaider for a session of PnP role-playing.
Upon reaching the doorstep, the lavender robed Gaider greets the trio. "Hold, gentlemen. This tale has a fixed female protagonist, a Main Character so that a more cohesive narrative can be weaved. You can stay Josh, but your friends will have to depart."
Tim and MCA exchange incredulous looks. However, ever forthright with incubating dreams of Icewind Dale 2 in his head, Josh protests.
"Now wait just a minute. This is a party based adventure. And we all have our own characters carefully constructed, stats rolled up, prepared to band together for this epic challenge..."
Stamping his foot in a near temper tantrum, Gaider the DM snarls at Tim and MCA. "Depart, I said!"
And depart they did.
"Don't worry," Gaider then tells Josh, leading him into the house with a gentle hand on his arm. "I will provide the companions for the rest of the party, to join your central protagonist on this merry escapade."
"This blows," Josh thinks to himself. "When I get to design an RPG, the players not the DM will determine the build and composition of the party."
Years later...
("Well, at least we have an Adventurer's Hall.")
Upon reaching the doorstep, the lavender robed Gaider greets the trio. "Hold, gentlemen. This tale has a fixed female protagonist, a Main Character so that a more cohesive narrative can be weaved. You can stay Josh, but your friends will have to depart."
Tim and MCA exchange incredulous looks. However, ever forthright with incubating dreams of Icewind Dale 2 in his head, Josh protests.
"Now wait just a minute. This is a party based adventure. And we all have our own characters carefully constructed, stats rolled up, prepared to band together for this epic challenge..."
Stamping his foot in a near temper tantrum, Gaider the DM snarls at Tim and MCA. "Depart, I said!"
And depart they did.
"Don't worry," Gaider then tells Josh, leading him into the house with a gentle hand on his arm. "I will provide the companions for the rest of the party, to join your central protagonist on this merry escapade."
"This blows," Josh thinks to himself. "When I get to design an RPG, the players not the DM will determine the build and composition of the party."
Years later...
("Well, at least we have an Adventurer's Hall.")
Last edited:
Drakron
Arcane
- Joined
- May 19, 2005
- Messages
- 6,326
Bubbles
I'm forever blowing
- Joined
- Aug 7, 2013
- Messages
- 7,817
A nice first effort.
Very useful comment. A lot of unplowed terrain there, so to speak.
- Joined
- Mar 2, 2010
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- 10,881
Crichton
Prophet
- Joined
- Jul 7, 2004
- Messages
- 1,220
This prize is pretty tempting but I refuse to participate until the staff admits that they jobbed me on the previous writing competition I entered ("Win a Wasteland 1 Key"). (I don't need the key, I got one when I bought Wasteland 2, I just want the admission.)
Bubbles
I'm forever blowing
- Joined
- Aug 7, 2013
- Messages
- 7,817
My oldest account here is from 2005, but I missed that. Very useful stuff, thank you kindly.
Bubbles
I'm forever blowing
- Joined
- Aug 7, 2013
- Messages
- 7,817
All fiction is speculative. That's what makes it fictitious.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Speculative_fiction
That's what we're going for here.
Shannow
Waster of Time
I just realized that perhaps some of you guys might not fully get the jokes in my story. And how they are based in reality.
So as an addition, here is what the Reverend preached in video format:
(I watched that last one in full some years ago. It was hilarious. It went for much longer with all the toys shown and their satanic symbolism "exposed" and stuff. But I can't find the full clip anymore. Why do you forget, Internet?)
So as an addition, here is what the Reverend preached in video format:
Embedded media from this media site is no longer available
(I watched that last one in full some years ago. It was hilarious. It went for much longer with all the toys shown and their satanic symbolism "exposed" and stuff. But I can't find the full clip anymore. Why do you forget, Internet?)
Wikipedia?
Excuse me while I pull a treatise on Shakespeare's Sonnets from my morning stool.
STOMP MY BALLS $5
Unwanted
i might just "contribute" to this..... ha! will be difficult to type it oiut with what "happened" to my arm ... but i`m definitely interested in this game !
Clockwork Knight
Arcane
Zorba the Hutt
Arcane
- Joined
- Dec 14, 2012
- Messages
- 1,865,724
Josh Sawyer in:
Dawn_ of Tyranny
The wizened figured rose before them, dark robes twisted over a slender frame. The air pulsed with a hideous, evil power, the calm before a terrible lightning storm.
"You dare enter the lair of Scabrous, dark lord of the fallen realm?" it cackled, skull-like features contorted into a cruel leer. "You, a pitiful collection of mortals barely weaned from your mothers' diseased teats?"
"We fear you not!" shouted Dorateen, hefting his holy axe as he strode forward. "In the name of Helm I shall banish you from this plane forever!"
Behind him, Rasmus notched an arrow to his bow, hands shaking from the overwhelming pain of the trap which impaled his legs. Allegina began her incantation, long blonde hair waving with her sinuous movements, like a wash of yellow light over darker roots which...
***
"Sorry, have to interrupt again," muttered Derek. "Do we really have to talk about the hair all the goddam time? I know it was a big deal during character creation, but come on! We're fighting for a our lives in a dungeon and... it's bad enough that she's called Allegina anyway."
"Roleplaying is about more than just killing goblins," sniffed Alison. "And my character is far more than a bunch of stats to me, I need to identify with her for my immersion. Why can't she cast spells while looking great too? Besides, you're one to talk with a Dwarf named Dorateen who's a friggen paladin. A paladin! Everyone knows dwarves are for comic relief or dirty jobs like mining or smithing or pig-tending."
"Pig-tending!" shouted Derek. "I'll have you know that Dwarves are noble and brave and.."
"Ok, that's enough," interrupted Vince, glaring across the rickety old table. Dust motes danced in the light of the single, grubby window as he spoke - the old storeroom was the best they could do without being discovered. It was a tough time for Dungeons and Dragons in those days, but anti-DnD sentiment was perhaps at its worst in nondescript American schools like this one.
"I've gone to a lot of trouble as DM here," continued Vince, "It takes time to create a genuine branching narrative. But you two keep interrupting my hand-crafted experience with these petty arguments!"
"I guess it doesn't matter anyway," muttered Derek. "We're pretty much done for after all those traps. You knew we didn't have a thief but you kept hitting us with them anyway, like you're sadistic or something."
"I advised you to play a thief," smirked Vince. "I don't create worlds where you can be a hero all the time and do everything. It's a harsh place where everyone is out to get you, and you think you can do without a rogue? Rasmus insisted on being a ranger and you a paladin - well, you made your choice and you take the consequences."
"Ok, ok," said Alison. "Why don't we find someone else to play the thief? It would be more fun with 4 characters anyway."
"But who?" replied Derek. "The jocks would beat the shit out of us as soon as we mention DnD. Everyone else thinks it's a satanic cult or something."
"There's always Josh," suggested Vince. "Unless you have any other suggestions.... Rasmus?"
They all stopped to look at Rasmus. He was staring at the bricks in the far wall, eyes darting back and forth.
"Rasmus!"
"Sorry guys," he replied, a sheepish grin on his face. "I just had to check if there were 256 bricks there, you know how much I love powers of 2."
"We've already got a sperglord," sighed Derek, "And now you want us to get Josh too?"
***
They found Josh in his usual haunt, alone in a corner of the back lawn. A small, bespectacled figure, his arms were covered in their usual motley array of pen drawings. Josh was known to spend the first hour of every school-day making strange illustrations on his arms and muttering in one of the languages he liked to make up.
"What's up Josh?" greeted Vince, a nervous smile on his face. The smile vanished when he saw what Josh was doing - playing with a pile of dismembered insects.
"Have you ever wondered," whispered Josh in a frail, reedy voice,"Why some things have 6 legs, or more, and others have to function with just two? Or why some get 4 wings and others none? Wouldn't it be great it we could share them out and make things more balanced?"
"Er, I guess," began Alison, losing her train of thought as Josh pulled another leg off a still-writhing centipede. "Ew!"
"And think, just fucking think!" added Josh, raising his cold, dead eyes to gaze over the group. "What about slugs? Is that build really viable? Imagine being a charismatic slug!"
They couldn't help trembling and taking an involuntary step backwards as he glared at them. There was true madness in those eyes.
***
Dorateen charged into the group of kobolds blocking the final exit from the dungeon. With a single swipe of his mighty axe he severed three of the ugly heads from their mangy bodies. Allegina skewered another with her silver throwing dagger. A hobbling Rasmus nailed a couple with accurate twangs of his bow.
Last of all, Josh shambled into battle, the hated padded armour restricting his every movement. He'd given up trying to hide in shadows in the noisy, bulky armour, even his trap finding had been badly affected. There was nothing else for it, time to get involved in melee. He finally reached the front line and blows immediately began to shred the pads from his skin. And then his skin from his bones.
***
"Good game guys," smiled Vince, packing the dice away. "Shame about your rogue Josh, but a level two party just doesn't have access to resurrection spells. If only you'd found that enchanted leather armour the seer mentioned."
Josh said nothing, staring at the wall as the others left, Derek and Alison now arm-in-arm. He began to draw on his arms again, harder than ever. Blood welled-up and mixed with the cheap ink.
***
The years had not been kind to Josh's features, although they had been truly generous to his bank balance. The figure reclining in the back of the Maybach had white hair and deep wrinkles, the faded tattoos twisted and distorted. His fortune had been founded on the first couple of Pillars of Eternity releases, when gullible buyers still expected a Baldur's Gate 3. But the real money had come from his early investment in Sword Coast Legends, 'never underestimate the stupidity of your audience' as his guiding motto emphasised.
The car pulled up in front of his Malibu estate and he strode inside, eager to unwind after another long day of dealmaking.
His favourite room had little in the way of furniture, despite its vast size. Just a dated personal computer, a couple of comfortable chairs and a display case with his collector editions of Oblivion and Skyrim proudly exhibited. But as he sank into a soft leather recliner he gazed at the best feature of the room, a series of large framed photos. A catalogue of revenge from a man who dedicated his life to it.
The first was of a hunched, beaten figure on a Toronto sidewalk, clipboard in hand as he begged passers-by for a minute of their time. It hadn't taken much to pay off a few sites to produce savage Age of Decadence reviews, although the Attack of the Fanboy version remained his favourite. AoD had sunk like a stone when finally released in 2018 and Vince was forced to return to his "marketing" career.
The next was of Tim Cain, hard at work in the Obsidian basement, where Josh had sent him after seizing control of Obsidian. To work on the World of Cavalry MMO. Never again would people favourably compare the works of Cain to those of Sawyer.
The third was a simple reproduction of a farewell screen from RPGCodex as the last hosting service terminated their account. It hadn't even taken much in the way of bribes or threats, turned out that having an army of SJW contacts was a powerful weapon in the fight against a misogynistic cesspit of a forum.
Josh pressed a button on his chair, summoning his evening drink. The butler minced into the room, a plump white man sporting a dreadlocked wig and an unusually short skirt.
"Thanks Roguey," mumbled Josh, taking a sip of the pure pomegranate juice.
He turned to look at the final image on the opposite wall. A picture from the player manual for DnD 7th edition, including all the playable races. There was not a dwarf to be seen.
Dawn_ of Tyranny
The wizened figured rose before them, dark robes twisted over a slender frame. The air pulsed with a hideous, evil power, the calm before a terrible lightning storm.
"You dare enter the lair of Scabrous, dark lord of the fallen realm?" it cackled, skull-like features contorted into a cruel leer. "You, a pitiful collection of mortals barely weaned from your mothers' diseased teats?"
"We fear you not!" shouted Dorateen, hefting his holy axe as he strode forward. "In the name of Helm I shall banish you from this plane forever!"
Behind him, Rasmus notched an arrow to his bow, hands shaking from the overwhelming pain of the trap which impaled his legs. Allegina began her incantation, long blonde hair waving with her sinuous movements, like a wash of yellow light over darker roots which...
***
"Sorry, have to interrupt again," muttered Derek. "Do we really have to talk about the hair all the goddam time? I know it was a big deal during character creation, but come on! We're fighting for a our lives in a dungeon and... it's bad enough that she's called Allegina anyway."
"Roleplaying is about more than just killing goblins," sniffed Alison. "And my character is far more than a bunch of stats to me, I need to identify with her for my immersion. Why can't she cast spells while looking great too? Besides, you're one to talk with a Dwarf named Dorateen who's a friggen paladin. A paladin! Everyone knows dwarves are for comic relief or dirty jobs like mining or smithing or pig-tending."
"Pig-tending!" shouted Derek. "I'll have you know that Dwarves are noble and brave and.."
"Ok, that's enough," interrupted Vince, glaring across the rickety old table. Dust motes danced in the light of the single, grubby window as he spoke - the old storeroom was the best they could do without being discovered. It was a tough time for Dungeons and Dragons in those days, but anti-DnD sentiment was perhaps at its worst in nondescript American schools like this one.
"I've gone to a lot of trouble as DM here," continued Vince, "It takes time to create a genuine branching narrative. But you two keep interrupting my hand-crafted experience with these petty arguments!"
"I guess it doesn't matter anyway," muttered Derek. "We're pretty much done for after all those traps. You knew we didn't have a thief but you kept hitting us with them anyway, like you're sadistic or something."
"I advised you to play a thief," smirked Vince. "I don't create worlds where you can be a hero all the time and do everything. It's a harsh place where everyone is out to get you, and you think you can do without a rogue? Rasmus insisted on being a ranger and you a paladin - well, you made your choice and you take the consequences."
"Ok, ok," said Alison. "Why don't we find someone else to play the thief? It would be more fun with 4 characters anyway."
"But who?" replied Derek. "The jocks would beat the shit out of us as soon as we mention DnD. Everyone else thinks it's a satanic cult or something."
"There's always Josh," suggested Vince. "Unless you have any other suggestions.... Rasmus?"
They all stopped to look at Rasmus. He was staring at the bricks in the far wall, eyes darting back and forth.
"Rasmus!"
"Sorry guys," he replied, a sheepish grin on his face. "I just had to check if there were 256 bricks there, you know how much I love powers of 2."
"We've already got a sperglord," sighed Derek, "And now you want us to get Josh too?"
***
They found Josh in his usual haunt, alone in a corner of the back lawn. A small, bespectacled figure, his arms were covered in their usual motley array of pen drawings. Josh was known to spend the first hour of every school-day making strange illustrations on his arms and muttering in one of the languages he liked to make up.
"What's up Josh?" greeted Vince, a nervous smile on his face. The smile vanished when he saw what Josh was doing - playing with a pile of dismembered insects.
"Have you ever wondered," whispered Josh in a frail, reedy voice,"Why some things have 6 legs, or more, and others have to function with just two? Or why some get 4 wings and others none? Wouldn't it be great it we could share them out and make things more balanced?"
"Er, I guess," began Alison, losing her train of thought as Josh pulled another leg off a still-writhing centipede. "Ew!"
"And think, just fucking think!" added Josh, raising his cold, dead eyes to gaze over the group. "What about slugs? Is that build really viable? Imagine being a charismatic slug!"
They couldn't help trembling and taking an involuntary step backwards as he glared at them. There was true madness in those eyes.
***
Dorateen charged into the group of kobolds blocking the final exit from the dungeon. With a single swipe of his mighty axe he severed three of the ugly heads from their mangy bodies. Allegina skewered another with her silver throwing dagger. A hobbling Rasmus nailed a couple with accurate twangs of his bow.
Last of all, Josh shambled into battle, the hated padded armour restricting his every movement. He'd given up trying to hide in shadows in the noisy, bulky armour, even his trap finding had been badly affected. There was nothing else for it, time to get involved in melee. He finally reached the front line and blows immediately began to shred the pads from his skin. And then his skin from his bones.
***
"Good game guys," smiled Vince, packing the dice away. "Shame about your rogue Josh, but a level two party just doesn't have access to resurrection spells. If only you'd found that enchanted leather armour the seer mentioned."
Josh said nothing, staring at the wall as the others left, Derek and Alison now arm-in-arm. He began to draw on his arms again, harder than ever. Blood welled-up and mixed with the cheap ink.
***
The years had not been kind to Josh's features, although they had been truly generous to his bank balance. The figure reclining in the back of the Maybach had white hair and deep wrinkles, the faded tattoos twisted and distorted. His fortune had been founded on the first couple of Pillars of Eternity releases, when gullible buyers still expected a Baldur's Gate 3. But the real money had come from his early investment in Sword Coast Legends, 'never underestimate the stupidity of your audience' as his guiding motto emphasised.
The car pulled up in front of his Malibu estate and he strode inside, eager to unwind after another long day of dealmaking.
His favourite room had little in the way of furniture, despite its vast size. Just a dated personal computer, a couple of comfortable chairs and a display case with his collector editions of Oblivion and Skyrim proudly exhibited. But as he sank into a soft leather recliner he gazed at the best feature of the room, a series of large framed photos. A catalogue of revenge from a man who dedicated his life to it.
The first was of a hunched, beaten figure on a Toronto sidewalk, clipboard in hand as he begged passers-by for a minute of their time. It hadn't taken much to pay off a few sites to produce savage Age of Decadence reviews, although the Attack of the Fanboy version remained his favourite. AoD had sunk like a stone when finally released in 2018 and Vince was forced to return to his "marketing" career.
The next was of Tim Cain, hard at work in the Obsidian basement, where Josh had sent him after seizing control of Obsidian. To work on the World of Cavalry MMO. Never again would people favourably compare the works of Cain to those of Sawyer.
The third was a simple reproduction of a farewell screen from RPGCodex as the last hosting service terminated their account. It hadn't even taken much in the way of bribes or threats, turned out that having an army of SJW contacts was a powerful weapon in the fight against a misogynistic cesspit of a forum.
Josh pressed a button on his chair, summoning his evening drink. The butler minced into the room, a plump white man sporting a dreadlocked wig and an unusually short skirt.
"Thanks Roguey," mumbled Josh, taking a sip of the pure pomegranate juice.
He turned to look at the final image on the opposite wall. A picture from the player manual for DnD 7th edition, including all the playable races. There was not a dwarf to be seen.
Last edited:
There was this one fan fiction about Grunker, how he was walking on the pavement trying to avoid the lines between the tiles.. but I can't remember where of who wrote it.. it was quite good.
Bubbles
I'm forever blowing
- Joined
- Aug 7, 2013
- Messages
- 7,817
Showing a keen eye for the visual economics of modern fiction, Zorba the Hutt delivers a Lost-style narrative packed with perspective changes, a flashforward, and a colourful cast of quirky but charming supporting characters.
Behold, it's the same dude from the Cleve stories.. won't tag again, but Lord Trousersnake would be able to make quite the entry here.
- Joined
- Mar 2, 2010
- Messages
- 10,881
It was so good even Grunker liked it!
Mr Giggles
Literate
- Joined
- Mar 27, 2015
- Messages
- 8
I want to put effort into a story but I fear that my post will just never make it through...
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