OK, with apologies to Daniel Keys, I give you "Flowers for Roguey"
Progris riport 1 martch 3.
Mr Cain says I shoud rite down what I think and remembir and evrey thing that happins to me from now on. I dont no why but he says its importint so
they will see if they can use me. I hope they use me becaus Obsideein says mabye they can make me smart. I want to be smart. My name is Joshua Sawyer
I werk in Obsideein enturtainment where Feergus Urkhart gives me 11 dollers a week and lets me kode if I want. I am 39 yeres old and next munth is my brithday. I tolld Mr Cain I cant kode good but he says it dont matter he says I shud kode just like I talk and like I kode. Rite now, they are mising a plyer for DND and they want me too creeate a caraktur for the DND game. I nevr playd a fiter befor but Tim says I shud be good!
Progris riport 2 - martch 4.
Tim says to code a lot of evrything. Today I koded hit poytes, armor and fixd enemee levuls. Like God in his hevens it seemd rite! He tolled me that I am his target market and I shud kode becaus they like what I kode. I think and evrything that happins to me but I cant think anymor because I have nothing to kode so I will close for today... yrs truly Joshua Sawyer.
Progris riport 3 - martch 8.
Went to our DND game today. I think I faled it and I think mabye now they wont let me back to the game. What happind is I went to Feerguses office on my lunch time like they said and his secertery took me to a place that said staff meeting in progres on the door. There was a bunch of guys in a room fitin! All yellin and awful soar. they stoppd yellin when I sat down and were all quiet like.
a nice man was in the room and he had some crazy dice. He sed sit down Joshua and make yourself cunfortible and rilax. He had a sports coat like a lawyer but I dont think, he was no lawyer because he dint tell me to opin my wallet. All he had was those crazy dice. His name is Chris. I fergot his last name because I dont remembir so good.
I dint know what he was gonna do and I was holding on tite to the chair like sometimes when I go to a dentist onley Chris aint no dentist neither but he kept telling me to rilax and that gets me skared because it always means its gonna hert.
So Chris sed Joshua what do you think when you heer the word balance. I sed that I think of someone who knows games and the playr gains power but also gets smartr and the enemees stay the same. A fite the playr lost erleer may be wun by not just gainng levuls but the player is better at the game with wins being part levuls and part smarts. The enemees stay the same and if the playr doeznt get smartur all the levuls wont help them. The playr can make bad choyces but thats part of the playr gettin smartr.
Chris said yes and he smild and that maid me feel good. I thot that was a easy game but when I got up to go Chris stoppd me and said now sit down Joshua we are not thru yet. Theres more we got to do with these dice. I dint understand about it but I remembired all the others in the room were still there.
Chris is very nice and he talks slow like Miss Roguey dose in her class where I go to lern C++ for slow adults. He explaned to me the modyule we wood go threw is toom of horors. He sed pepul die alot in this modyule. I said show me where. He dint show me he just kept saying imagen you are dieing. I tolld him I imagen me killin evrythng! This made evryone laff!
Progris riport 3 - martch 14.
Miss Roguey came to visit me today. She askd how I was doing. I sed good I am coding armor stats and tern based combat. she looked awful sad with this. She asked how can someone be happy with old stuff like that. I sed that there are parts that shud be in evry good game. It shows that the peepl making the game undrstnd.
Miss Roguey is so smart and pretty but she alwys looks at me cross like I shud be doing somethng bettr with my time. To make her happy I held up a picshur I drew of some gal in chain armur. She was very pretty and was almost naked but for the armur parts. It was for the covr of our new game. The girl was pritty but not as pritty as Miss Roguey but that was all I remembr befor Miss Roguey screemed and hit me ovr the hed with my keybord.
Progress Report – March 28
It would appear I was out for two weeks. I don’t remember what happened other than being at my desk speaking with … someone, and was struck. My doctor told me that I would be normal soon, and that I shouldn’t rush back to work. But I don’t feel myself. I feel different. Feargus came and visited me today and said that when I wanted to come back, the ten dollars a week would be as good as mine. This felt strange also, but I thanked him, but now I must rest.
Progress Report – April 7
I slept off and on for another week. Some doctors came to see me and were amazed. They believe that blow to the head somehow made me smarter. I pray this lasts but the doctors would like to keep me observation.
Progress Report - April 27
The fellows from work came to visit and this time they brought their D&D books. Chris said we would continue the Tomb of Horrors and that he would DM me back to health. I thanked him, as there were a steady stream of doctors visiting and tests, and I was a long way from my family in Fort Atkinson.
Chris seemed to be having a frightfully good time. For all the traps and pitfalls, I kept fighting forward but my friends were dying all around me. Tim jumped in some hole in the wall shaped like a demons head and disappeared forever. Chris just started counting backwards from 10 to one, and then Feargus blew up. But I went onward. I came to a room with a gem, and dropped my blade. I looked to the group and said “This is not balance. This must stop.”
Chris asked what was wrong. I stated that the game itself doesn’t make any sense. Armor class, saving throws, hit points are meaningless if it leads to situations where the player dies on a whim. Better to do away with all those relics and move to some system where the player stands a chance. Maybe the player could sense the traps and disable them from a distance, or come back to life after the trap and continue. Chris asked if I was alright and looked concerned. I was irritated. It could be that I was getting tired, but there was something scratching inside my head. A thought was forming that wanted out. I wished them all good night, and went back to sleep.
Progress Report – May 7
It was night when I was awoken with the thought that would define me: The player must enjoy themselves first and foremost. It was the key to Balance! The thought struck me out of the blue and made me sit bolt upright in my hospital bed. This is what we are doing wrong. I can’t stay in this hospital one more day; I must return to my job and fix my code. It was all wrong, but tonight I must try to rest… it will be a restless night for sure, yours truly J.E. Sawyer.
Progress Report – May 8
My return to my desk at Obsidian was greeted with fanfare and looks of curiosity. Entering, I kept my head down and thanked folks for the warm greeting, but insisted on getting to my desk. Imagine, when I was wheeled out these weeks past, I was a simpleton. The blinders were removed these days past, when a keyboard struck and I saw the error of my ways.
Unity! That’s the grease that moves the gears of CRPGS! What kind of degenerate was I, programming in C++? Like a proverbial Eve eating the apple (if one were to believe in such rubbish) I realized the old Joshua was more than just an idiot savant, but was ruining the world by programming his daily beggars banquet made of hit points, armor class, crude sexist drawings of impractical armor spawned just to titillate the patriarchy, turn-based combat, and saving throws!
I kicked my computer and stormed off to have a word with Feargus. He wasn’t in today, so I went back to my desk and cleaned it up. So long, “Girls of Linux” calendar, I said to myself. Into the garbage it flew. I left early with a ringing headache, and before I left, I sent out a request for a team meeting in two days.
Progress Report – May 10
Once again, I walked the halls to Feargus’ office, once I walked that path nervous and ignorant. Today I return, eyes wide open, and ready to greet my peers as more than their equal. When I arrived, I pushed the great doors to Feargus’ office open and they were all there: Tim, Chris, and Feargus. Strange, even Miss Roguey was there.
“Gentle-persons, let us talk about the state of our project.” Then I began my slideshow. I made my presentation about how games need balance. All choices should be good choices. Maces should hit for the same damage of swords. Padded armor? Yes! More spreadsheets to balance everything. No bad builds or great builds, everything is a middle of the road build because our customers don’t want accountability for their actions. With a bow, I shall finish this presentation, and I’ll sign off J.E. Sawyer
Progris riport 1 may 24.
I dont remembr much after the bow. I think I got hit good this time agin. When I got up I was back at my desk. My computr was as good as new! All the fellas stoppd by to ask me how I was and that there are som stretch goles I gotta work on. If God is willng I will finish my code make Mr Cain happy but I shur wish I new who hit me!
I love working at Obsideein but could one of the fellas please if you get a chanse please send some flowrs to Miss Roguey. I dont think she will see me agin, but I alredy miss her, yrs truly Joshua.
Progris riport 1 martch 3.
Mr Cain says I shoud rite down what I think and remembir and evrey thing that happins to me from now on. I dont no why but he says its importint so
they will see if they can use me. I hope they use me becaus Obsideein says mabye they can make me smart. I want to be smart. My name is Joshua Sawyer
I werk in Obsideein enturtainment where Feergus Urkhart gives me 11 dollers a week and lets me kode if I want. I am 39 yeres old and next munth is my brithday. I tolld Mr Cain I cant kode good but he says it dont matter he says I shud kode just like I talk and like I kode. Rite now, they are mising a plyer for DND and they want me too creeate a caraktur for the DND game. I nevr playd a fiter befor but Tim says I shud be good!
Progris riport 2 - martch 4.
Tim says to code a lot of evrything. Today I koded hit poytes, armor and fixd enemee levuls. Like God in his hevens it seemd rite! He tolled me that I am his target market and I shud kode becaus they like what I kode. I think and evrything that happins to me but I cant think anymor because I have nothing to kode so I will close for today... yrs truly Joshua Sawyer.
Progris riport 3 - martch 8.
Went to our DND game today. I think I faled it and I think mabye now they wont let me back to the game. What happind is I went to Feerguses office on my lunch time like they said and his secertery took me to a place that said staff meeting in progres on the door. There was a bunch of guys in a room fitin! All yellin and awful soar. they stoppd yellin when I sat down and were all quiet like.
a nice man was in the room and he had some crazy dice. He sed sit down Joshua and make yourself cunfortible and rilax. He had a sports coat like a lawyer but I dont think, he was no lawyer because he dint tell me to opin my wallet. All he had was those crazy dice. His name is Chris. I fergot his last name because I dont remembir so good.
I dint know what he was gonna do and I was holding on tite to the chair like sometimes when I go to a dentist onley Chris aint no dentist neither but he kept telling me to rilax and that gets me skared because it always means its gonna hert.
So Chris sed Joshua what do you think when you heer the word balance. I sed that I think of someone who knows games and the playr gains power but also gets smartr and the enemees stay the same. A fite the playr lost erleer may be wun by not just gainng levuls but the player is better at the game with wins being part levuls and part smarts. The enemees stay the same and if the playr doeznt get smartur all the levuls wont help them. The playr can make bad choyces but thats part of the playr gettin smartr.
Chris said yes and he smild and that maid me feel good. I thot that was a easy game but when I got up to go Chris stoppd me and said now sit down Joshua we are not thru yet. Theres more we got to do with these dice. I dint understand about it but I remembired all the others in the room were still there.
Chris is very nice and he talks slow like Miss Roguey dose in her class where I go to lern C++ for slow adults. He explaned to me the modyule we wood go threw is toom of horors. He sed pepul die alot in this modyule. I said show me where. He dint show me he just kept saying imagen you are dieing. I tolld him I imagen me killin evrythng! This made evryone laff!
Progris riport 3 - martch 14.
Miss Roguey came to visit me today. She askd how I was doing. I sed good I am coding armor stats and tern based combat. she looked awful sad with this. She asked how can someone be happy with old stuff like that. I sed that there are parts that shud be in evry good game. It shows that the peepl making the game undrstnd.
Miss Roguey is so smart and pretty but she alwys looks at me cross like I shud be doing somethng bettr with my time. To make her happy I held up a picshur I drew of some gal in chain armur. She was very pretty and was almost naked but for the armur parts. It was for the covr of our new game. The girl was pritty but not as pritty as Miss Roguey but that was all I remembr befor Miss Roguey screemed and hit me ovr the hed with my keybord.
Progress Report – March 28
It would appear I was out for two weeks. I don’t remember what happened other than being at my desk speaking with … someone, and was struck. My doctor told me that I would be normal soon, and that I shouldn’t rush back to work. But I don’t feel myself. I feel different. Feargus came and visited me today and said that when I wanted to come back, the ten dollars a week would be as good as mine. This felt strange also, but I thanked him, but now I must rest.
Progress Report – April 7
I slept off and on for another week. Some doctors came to see me and were amazed. They believe that blow to the head somehow made me smarter. I pray this lasts but the doctors would like to keep me observation.
Progress Report - April 27
The fellows from work came to visit and this time they brought their D&D books. Chris said we would continue the Tomb of Horrors and that he would DM me back to health. I thanked him, as there were a steady stream of doctors visiting and tests, and I was a long way from my family in Fort Atkinson.
Chris seemed to be having a frightfully good time. For all the traps and pitfalls, I kept fighting forward but my friends were dying all around me. Tim jumped in some hole in the wall shaped like a demons head and disappeared forever. Chris just started counting backwards from 10 to one, and then Feargus blew up. But I went onward. I came to a room with a gem, and dropped my blade. I looked to the group and said “This is not balance. This must stop.”
Chris asked what was wrong. I stated that the game itself doesn’t make any sense. Armor class, saving throws, hit points are meaningless if it leads to situations where the player dies on a whim. Better to do away with all those relics and move to some system where the player stands a chance. Maybe the player could sense the traps and disable them from a distance, or come back to life after the trap and continue. Chris asked if I was alright and looked concerned. I was irritated. It could be that I was getting tired, but there was something scratching inside my head. A thought was forming that wanted out. I wished them all good night, and went back to sleep.
Progress Report – May 7
It was night when I was awoken with the thought that would define me: The player must enjoy themselves first and foremost. It was the key to Balance! The thought struck me out of the blue and made me sit bolt upright in my hospital bed. This is what we are doing wrong. I can’t stay in this hospital one more day; I must return to my job and fix my code. It was all wrong, but tonight I must try to rest… it will be a restless night for sure, yours truly J.E. Sawyer.
Progress Report – May 8
My return to my desk at Obsidian was greeted with fanfare and looks of curiosity. Entering, I kept my head down and thanked folks for the warm greeting, but insisted on getting to my desk. Imagine, when I was wheeled out these weeks past, I was a simpleton. The blinders were removed these days past, when a keyboard struck and I saw the error of my ways.
Unity! That’s the grease that moves the gears of CRPGS! What kind of degenerate was I, programming in C++? Like a proverbial Eve eating the apple (if one were to believe in such rubbish) I realized the old Joshua was more than just an idiot savant, but was ruining the world by programming his daily beggars banquet made of hit points, armor class, crude sexist drawings of impractical armor spawned just to titillate the patriarchy, turn-based combat, and saving throws!
I kicked my computer and stormed off to have a word with Feargus. He wasn’t in today, so I went back to my desk and cleaned it up. So long, “Girls of Linux” calendar, I said to myself. Into the garbage it flew. I left early with a ringing headache, and before I left, I sent out a request for a team meeting in two days.
Progress Report – May 10
Once again, I walked the halls to Feargus’ office, once I walked that path nervous and ignorant. Today I return, eyes wide open, and ready to greet my peers as more than their equal. When I arrived, I pushed the great doors to Feargus’ office open and they were all there: Tim, Chris, and Feargus. Strange, even Miss Roguey was there.
“Gentle-persons, let us talk about the state of our project.” Then I began my slideshow. I made my presentation about how games need balance. All choices should be good choices. Maces should hit for the same damage of swords. Padded armor? Yes! More spreadsheets to balance everything. No bad builds or great builds, everything is a middle of the road build because our customers don’t want accountability for their actions. With a bow, I shall finish this presentation, and I’ll sign off J.E. Sawyer
Progris riport 1 may 24.
I dont remembr much after the bow. I think I got hit good this time agin. When I got up I was back at my desk. My computr was as good as new! All the fellas stoppd by to ask me how I was and that there are som stretch goles I gotta work on. If God is willng I will finish my code make Mr Cain happy but I shur wish I new who hit me!
I love working at Obsideein but could one of the fellas please if you get a chanse please send some flowrs to Miss Roguey. I dont think she will see me agin, but I alredy miss her, yrs truly Joshua.
