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Editorial - posted by Vault Dweller on Thu 2 March 2006, 23:15:27Tags: Bethesda Softworks; Gareth Davies; The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion
I have to post this to preserve it for future generations, it's just THAT good. What does that have to do with games? Figure it out.
Pete: How's it going sir? You looking at this beauty right here?Now you can bitch.
Bob: Er, yes. I've recently come into some money, so the wife and I thought we'd splash out on a new auto.
Pete: Ah, and is your lovely wife here, too?
Bob: No, she's off shopping for shoes.
Pete: I hear you, friend. My wife is exactly the same. In fact, we recently got ourselves a new car just because she needed the extra space in the trunk for her footwear shopping sprees.
Bob: Wow, that's a lot of shoes. My wife...
Pete: You're darn tootin' it's a lot of shoes. In fact my wife owns 40% of the worlds total shoe population, and I bet you can't even imagine how many pairs that is.
Bob: I, er, no. But...
Pete: Well, that makes two of us, pardner. Because there's no way in heck anyone can possibly count that many shoes. But you know what?
Bob: Er, what?
Pete: This car right here, has enough trunk space to fit them all.
Pete: Yesiree, Bob. It's like a bottomless pit in there.
Bob: Wow, can I take a look?
Pete: Now, you wouldn't be accusing ol' Pistol Pete of lyin' through his teeth now, would ye?
Bob: No, it's just I...
Pete: See that big shiny plaque on the wall? The one that says in no nonsense letters "VP of Marketing?" That's all me, baby.
Bob: Oh, that's great. Listen...
Pete: And you know what that means? It means that Pete makes it his business to know everything about his product.
Pete: So if ol' Pete says it's true, then you're only doing yourself an injustice if you try to question that knowledge.
Bob: Oh, that's reassuring. But I'm not, er, that is to say, boot space isn't really a concern for me.
Pete: Sure it is! One day, you're going to have to transport the ridiculous amounts of shoes your wife owns, and I tell ya, this is the only vehicle for it.
Bob: Okay, er, great. I'm more interested in how it runs.
Pete: Like a dream! But not just any old dream, this runs like the best dream you've ever had, even those messy teenage ones.
Bob: Ew, that's...
Pete: You gotta trust me on this one, pardner. It's a necessary evil to warn you about just what freaky thoughts this car can bring out in a man. It's just that freakin' good!
Bob: Is it fast, too?
Pete: You betcha! Faster than man has ever travelled. In fact, I'm only supposed to sell these to fighter pilots, since they're the only ones trained to withstand the G forces this baby pumps out.
Bob: That's a...
Pete: And I can tell by lookin' atcha that you ain't no jet pilot, am I right Chief? Of course I am. Big brawny guy like you probably couldn't even fit one of his biceps in a fighter cockpit. But I gotta say, you look like the kinda guy who can take this bull by the horns and show it who's boss, so we can overlook that little bit of paperwork.
Bob: Speaking of paperwork, have you got a brochure I could show my wife? She likes to read. I've never quite seen the fascination myself.
Pete: Haha! You're my kinda guy, fella. Who needs reading? Certainly not you, and certainly not your wife. Why give her a flimsy little list of "facts" when you can show off the real thing?
Bob: I'm sorry?
Pete: Show her the real deal! I guarantee you, if you drive out of here right now, your wife will never sit up reading in bed ever again because she'll be crawling all over you for making such an incredible purchase. Let me hit you with a price.
Bob: I don't really...
Pete: Sixty thousand.
Bob: Look, I really shouldn't say anything without getting my wife's opinion.
Pete: Remember the plaque? The big gold, no-nonsense plaque?
Bob: I guess...
Pete: And remember what it means? I means that Pete already knows what your wife is going to think of this, and she's going to love it.
Bob: Well, you do seem like a trustworthy guy...
Pete: You're effin' A right there, champ. Does Pete seem like the kinda guy that would beat his wife to death with her own shoes and stash her in the trunk of a car in his showroom, just so he can sell it to some patsy with more money than sense? Of course not. Now, do you want the best car in the universe or not?
Edit: More adventures of ol' Pete:
Pete: Why hello, ma'am! Welcome to Bethesda Paintworks. What can I do ya for?
Customer #1: I'm looking for a tin of plain white paint.
Pete: Sure thing, my young lass. Here you go.
Customer #1: Errr...
Pete: Something the matter? You can confide in ol' Pete. In fact, you could even say I'm your confidence man. No wait, forget that bit. Why the long face?
Customer #1: This paint isn't white, it's very grey, and I need pure white for my...
Pete: Now wait a minute, missy. That there's exactly 50% white, which means you're getting the best of both worlds. If there wasn't black in the world, you wouldn't even know what white was, let alone how pure and virginal it can be.
Customer #1: I'm...
Pete: See this here is like a two for one deal. You get all the white you need, and we throw in just as much black for the same price!
Customer #1: But, if they're mixed, you don't really have black and white, just neutral grey.
Pete: I don't think you're quite seeing the whole picture here. See, what you're getting is a product that is greater than its sum parts. Now white is good on its own. In fact, it's without a doubt, the single greatest colour ever. It's a next-generation colour. The colour of the future.
Customer #1: But it's not really a...
Pete: Don't be interupting Pete now, little missy. As I was saying, white is the best colour ever, and black is... even better! It's better than the best. You might be thinkin' "no way in sam hell is that true. You can't get better than the best!" But you'd be wrong.
Customer #1: I...
Pete: But trust Pete on this. We take the best, and something that's even better, and mix it. We're not just adding one to the other, we're multiplying them together, so you're getting the best squared. And then some.
Customer #1: Well, I guess that does sound pretty good.
Pete: It's good like you can't imagine. Tell you what. You buy it now, this instant, and I'll throw in some grey paint as well.
Customer #1: Okay, you've sold me!
Pete: Hey there, sport! First time in Bethesda Paintworks? Never fear, because Pistol Pete is here, and I shoot straight. You'll get all the fact, and nothing but.
Customer #2: Er, hi. Um, do you like, have any black paint? I really want to kind of goth up my...
Pete: Do we have black paint? It's our most popular item. That young lady that just left wanted some black paint too, but I've probably got another tin around here somewhere.
Customer #2: Er, great.
Pete: And there ya go! That'll be fifty smackers there, champ.
Customer #2: Dude, that paint's grey. I can't be emo with grey.
Pete: Are you kidding around? I know you wouldn't be doubting Pete's word, now. Pete knows that you can't have black without white, and that's all you need to know.
Customer #2: But...
Pete: You a college boy? Sure you are. Let me throw something out there. Juxtaposition. Hear that? You betcha. Bet you use words like that on them internet forums all the time, am I right?
Customer #2: Well...
Pete: Then you need this. And Pete knows, because Pete is the world's greatest salesman. You know I used to sell cars? Made a damn good living out of it too. Then one day, I sold a car to my wife's murderer. Broke my heart, and now I can barely even look at a car, let alone sell one.
Customer #2: ...
Pete: Beat her with her own shoes, he did. you know how hard that is? Now, boots make a damn fine beatin' implement. I could probably take you down in a second with those big clodhoppers you kids all wear around. But women's shoes are different. They're all flimsy, no weight to 'em. Takes a lot o' the ol' elbow grease just to stop em screamin'.
Customer #2: Dude, you're...
Pete: Now, I'm thinkin' that college education of your has taught you a thing or two, or maybe you just watched that movie with that kid, but paint cans can give a hell of a whack if you wind up your pitching arm a bit.
Customer #2: ...
Pete: Not that a guy like you has ever wound up a pitch in his life. Whole world's against guys like you and me, so's we gotta stick together. It's either you or them, man. You or them. Now you just gonna stand there gawpin' or are you gonna buy the world's greatest ultimate killing machine of death?