Faux Gothic: Let's play ArcaniA: Fall of Setarrif! (Done!!)

[Crooked Bee]

have you already played the full game and not told anyone?

You kiddin' me?

FUUUUUUYEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Prepare to take notes, Roxor. For your upcoming review of this gem, I mean.

 

[sea]

Your sacrifice will not be in vain.

 

[Crooked Bee]

My journey now felt lighter, and more joyous, without the sheep companion.



To celebrate the safe return of the animal, I decide to loot the two shabby houses making up this sham of a village.



Peasants... More to them than meets the eye. Who knows what kind of witchery they conduct here when no hero is looking?



A mighty healing potion to go alongside my heroically regenerating health!



"Without steel, ore is wortheless too." Intriguing!



And hey, I can even sit down in a chair, just like in Gothic or in Ultima! Glad to see this role-playing adventure take inspiration from the classics and stay true to its roots.



Disregarding that I just robbed you blind, yes, much safer.



And now I stand ready to brave the linear tutorial path further! To what menace will it bring me? Only one way (haha, don't miss the pun!) to find out.



A beach! And turtles!



Ouch, those are mutant ninja turtles spewing green goo at me!



Sea Sludges, deceptively disguising themselves as ordinary sea turtles. Disgusting trickery!



The monsters are dead, and some pearls are gained. Just another day in a hero's life.



A cave! And I'm brave!



Goddamn lurkers.



Nowhere to go but further along the coastline.



Fireballing lizards....



But I don't get called a lvl28 hero for nothing!



Hmmm, another wonderfully designed, hand-crafted cave.



Aargh, it's throwing great balls of fire at me from round the corner! That burns, you freak.

Not pictured: lots of lizards and lurkers slain. With the power of heroic love, no doubt.



Thanks I guess, but I'm sliding into madness enough as it is.



What's not to like indeed?



Oh the wonders of dungeon design! Turns out the cave is shaped like a horseshoe, and I'm back to a little further down the beach side.



Hey, someone forgot a chest here! Convenient.



Totally abandoned. I wonder why.



Hmm, I guess I know the reason now.

Meanwhile, night falls again. I must be travelling several days already! Time sure flies.



Not much enemy variety, eh?



Now let's have a look at the map...

Hmm, shouldn't be long till we find Ningal, I think.



Dat cave!



A diamond in the rough!



Yeah, glad to see you too.



No getting lost here.





Red exclamation mark! Don't you get it? Red, like fire, like lava, like imminent danger... It's epic, man.

So let's chat this "Grand Master of Darkness" up.

If you want to teleport me to Setarrif, why didn't you weave that spell right in the fortress?

(Just why did I have to go through all these corridors?)



(I don't think I like that face.)

Because of the obelisks, of course! We can't deactivate them without endangering the city... and their power would have interfered with my spell. We don't want you to land in a rock or even a mountain, do we?

I see. From here you can safely teleport me to Setarrif?

Probably.

Probably? I would have preferred a definite "yes".

I'm not a human teleportation circle! This spell can vary greatly in its range... but I can make sure you suffer no harm.

How comforting!

If you are afraid, then why don't you go stretch your legs a little. Just let me know when you're ready.

Then it was them...

(T-H-E-M!)

What do you mean?

(I mean, no, I haven't played the latest Sam & Max installments. 3D sucks.)

Since the volcano broke out, I have felt a strong presence of the divine power of Beliar.

It must have been the wolves.

And now you don't feel that divine power any longer?

I do. But it comes from a distance. It comes from the volcano... And from the direction of... Setarrif.

(Bet you didn't see that coming.)

Do I?

Yes.



(Ha! I knew you would play this "too grand to comprehend" card!)

Let's not talk about it any longer.

(Prick.)

Why didn't you go to Setarrif along with the others?

(I mean, apart from not wanting to end up dead, were there any other reasons?)

If we had all run there, Thorniara would have been without protection. Milten was determined to go, so I stayed in Thorniara together with Merdarion...

What was there, before the volcano broke out?

A desert jungle just like in the south of Setarrif, but the lava burnt it all down to ashes.

So are you ready?

Yes, I am. Just weave your spell.

(Work your magic, master.)

Ah, before I forget... Merdarion gave me this here for you. Perhaps it is of use to you.



Alchemical recipe for healing? Fantastic.

The screen fades to black...



And here we are. I predict lots of uninspired dungeon crawling ahead.

 

[1451]

The spirit of nature materialized into a sheep, that's why it was immortal.

Also. when you robbed the villagers, you removed any motive from wannabe thieves to pillage the village. So in a sense, yes you made their lives safer.

One thing i did not understand though. Why a follower of Beliar would help the king and his people? I had the impression they were your enemies.

Other than that a great adventure, i rate it with 5/5

 

[lightbane]

So far, the only advantage I see this game has over Dragon Derp 2 is that armors and weapons don't look like a blind monkey designed these, they look ok (for now)...

 

[spekkio]

It looks like a early beta of some MMO.

 

[procrastinator]

Grand Master of Darkness looks kinda sheepish.

 

[abnaxus]

So far, the only advantage I see this game has over Dragon Derp 2 is that armors and weapons don't look like a blind monkey designed these, they look ok (for now)...

I suppose there are no "romances" either?

 

[Kz3r0]

A beach! And turtles!



Ouch, those are mutant ninja turtles spewing green goo at me!

 

[Erebus]

On the bright side, the game can't get more linear than it already is.

 

[SoupNazi]

I kind of miss the times where villains would be called things like "Grand Master of Darkness". It's tacky, but it used to fit. Here, it's just fucking retarded.

 

[1451]

More linear than a ruler.

 

[Crooked Bee]

The dialogue at the end of this update is pure derp gold. Just warning ya.

So I've been teleported... somewhere. Into a cave where generic ruins abound.



Undead mages shooting fire at me. Why does everyone around here love fireballs so much?



I run, and jump, and roll, and their balls cannot reach me.



Hmm, I wonder if I can jump over to that chest...



I can! Fancy that.



Not just undead mages, but undead knights too? Time to de-undead the bastards!

This is supposed to be one of the larger areas, but it's just so... boring and monotonous. It's like I was exploring Deep Roads or something.



And finally I'm back inside what suits the world of Arcania best: a corridor.




I bet you can't guess just what kind of attack those Goblin Shamans have.

What, you can?.. That right, fireballs!



Lookie here, weed! So that's what the dungeon master must've been smoking.



No wonder all the corridors in here are either dead ends or lead to one of the same room eventually. And still... three different paths you can follow! So confusing.



Ominous.



Fucketh me, a winged demon!



And his undead minions!

• I must admit I even died to this thing, if only once. The demon knocked me down with his fire wind attack, and the minions finished me off in an instant. So next time I just didn't rush headlong like stupid, and the victory was mine. Don't get me wrong: there was no tactics involved apart from jumping around, nor any potions.

I expected some nice loot or ancient secrets maybe, but no luck. There's nothing but unlootable graves here. So back to the main dungeon path I go.

Not pictured: whole lotta goblins.



You can't have real role-playing without being able to sit down, lie down, eat, or fart on heads. Just ask Bethesda or Molyneux if you don't believe me.



So I decided to take a rest on a nearby straw mattress.



Now I'm feeling refreshed and ready to take on EVEN MORE GOBLINS.



And loot even more chests!

Not pictured: LOTS of chests with shiny randomly generated useless loot.



Oooh, I wonder if I die if I pick that up... Haha, of course not.



Dangerous! Will I ever need all these potions and elixirs, though?



Role-playing!







Nothing special here, just a roomful of dead dragons.



Pictured above: myself playing goblin drums! The tune? Why, Ride of the Valkyries of course!



So I wanted to sneak up on those goblins, but... really, a lvl29 hero who cannot into sneaking?



So many chests. And so much junk.



I see light at the end of the corridor!



Oooh, so Ningal really did send me to the other side of the volcano. And here I thought he'd set me up.



Women! Valkyries! Amazons! Not friendly!



There's actually a quest compass above the first of the cages, it's just not well visible in the screenshot.

The girls lie slain (poor things), and I can now chat the prisoner up.

Those stupid women here all totally crazy!!

Rauter? What women do you mean?

Well, the female warriors, right? Pillagers from the neighbouring island. Call themselves "Storm Crows". They showed up here with their harpies and immediately pinched everything they could get hold of.



(The stories men make up. )

Why, for Beliar's sake, did they put you in a cage?

What do I know? Perhaps they want slaves... But... You hear so many rumours about the neighbouring islands... They say only women live there.



:facepalm:

(Men...)

Come to think of it, which I do, there are worse things in life than letting a hot chick nibble on you! (laughs) The old Rauter still got what it takes, hasn't he?

Perhaps they're cannibals.

Bugger! Must you always fart in my mead?

(See, you can't have an RPG without farting.)

Shouldn't you be in Setarrif?

Diego sent me back, didn't he? With an urgent message for the king.

Really bad shit that was, I'm telling you! I totally underestimated them, right? If they weren't goddamn enemies, I'd hire them for the new Fighters' Guild right away!

What kind of message were you supposed to take to Rhobar?

Setarrif has totally gone to shit, right?

Lee and Hagen are now besieging the ruins. They're arguing again... Each of them has a different idea about how to handle the surviving Setarrifians. They're almost ready to chop off each other's knees, innit?

(Multiple quest solutions? No way...)

Demon or no demon, if the king doesn't set them straight, they will all kill each other!

I'll get you out of there.

The leader of the Storm Crows here keeps it. Calls herself Lana Blood...!

Good, I'll go see her.

Be careful, man! I bet that cursed woman is already lurking behind the next corner, right?



Ladies, here I come!

 

[Sceptic]

 

[Kz3r0]

I have the impression that the developers have already give up any pretense of making a real game at this point.

 

[1451]

This game is so realistic, you sleep with your armor on just in case some intrusive goblin disrupts your rest.

 

[Brother None]

Ahahaha, oh man, the dialog in this game.

 

[lightbane]

Witness the true face of the DERP.

Also, demon goblins?? Weren't regular goblins evil enough??? In fact, it seems this "game" took a page from Dragon Derp.

 

[Erebus]

Kind of looks like our hero is inside a giant's colon...

What the hell ? Just cut the ropes holding the damn thing together, you complete tool !

 

[Monsieur Yaourt]

From Gothic 1 to this shit. What a shame!

 

[~*´¨¯¨`*·~-.¸-AIN'T]

I still can't believe this is the same developer that made Desperados: Wanted Dead or Alive

 

[kazgar]

Is that trash from admiral jimbob's comics?

 

[Sceptic]

Looking at ~*´¨¯¨`*·~-.¸-AIN'T's reposting of the image and his signature, I just realized this guy does look like Crispy. Minus the glasses.

 

[Cassidy]

Feels like reading an Oblivion LP.

 

[Wyrmlord]

Let me get this straight.

This is a game where the entire level is a roughly straight line.

And you have exclamation marks on different points of that straight line.

How? Why? For what? If it were already a straight line, why would you need an exclamation mark.

And why does every character in this game look like a rapist?