UPDATE TIME.
See that pyramid? Alien civilizations made it, dude.
Thank you, Aeris. What would we do without you?
I... know... I feel it... The knowledge of the Ancients... floating... You could become one with the Planet, but you're stopping it with the strength of will. For the future? For us?
What are you saying? Do you understand?
You're uneasy... But happy? Because I'm here? I'm sorry ...I don't understand.
Let's go inside!
Hey, it's another black cape dude with a tattoo!
PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: This will not be the first time in the update the game will go completely bloom on us, believe me. Make sure your eyes are ready because I've taken some of the most horrible screenshots ever.
FACT: Yes, he turned into a ball and disappeared. This game is awesome.
Now let's go inside!
Holy shit, it's Tseng! Tseng of the Turks! And he's been sliced and diced! How do you feel, dude?!
Uh... I've been had. It's not the Promised Land... Sephiroth's searching for...
Sephiroth? He's inside!?
Look... for yourself... Damn... Letting Aeris go was the start... of my... bad luck... The President... was wrong...
You're wrong. The Promised Land isn't like what you imagined. And, I'm not going to help. Either way, there was no way Shinra could won.
...pretty harsh. Sounds like something... you'd say. The Keystone... Place it... on... the altar...
Tseng moves outta the way real slow and careful, making sure his intestines won't fall out. I guess the game is trying to pull some "well, he's almost dead, isn't it sad" moment out of its ass or something as Cloud asks Aeris... without looking at her (for extra dramatic effect):
...Tseng's with our enemy, the Turks, but I've known him since we were little... There's not a lot of people I can say that about. In fact, there are probably only a handful of people in the world who really know me.
Uh huh. By the way;
Oh and Deceive, our Shinra spy who handed the keystone over to helicopter-Tseng in the last update? He got nothing to say to his boss. Guess it wouldn't be appropriate.
Anyway...
That's what my first boyfriend said!
Delightful.
And away we go.
That doesn't really make sense. I really should have taken Cid along. His line goes something like this: "HOLY SHIT SHIT FUCK SHIT WHAT THE HELL'S WITH THIS FUCKING PLACE?!!" and not only does it make sense, it fits too!
Anyway, welcome to the ancient temple. While this might look like a maze, it's really not. It's incredibly linear, with only a couple easily spotted dead ends. Also don't worry about trying to collect the treasure chests. You WILL get them all eventually if you run along on the linear path. I really don't see how anyone could get lost here. (But obviously a couple of retards did.)
First of all we want to go to the upper left exit (follow the blue dwarf-like guy).
He's a shopkeeper, a portable bed and savepoint all-in-one. Aeris also provides some lore about him. Basically they're guardians and caretakers of the temple. Yeah, boring. Now the real point of interest is the lower left exit which leads to...
HOLY JUMPING INDY JONES ROLLING "C" PASSAGE OF DOOM, CLOUD!
The trick is to time it just right so you can run and crouch under the rolling "c" boulders. Yeah, bet you didn't figure that one out all by yourself. Once you get to the exit these boulders will disappear and Aeris will trigger the mysterious pool you ran past.
I bet it's another "HAHAHA! SEPHIROTH IS AWESOME! HOW DARE YOU CHALLENGE HIM!" scene.
Well, eventually.
...knowledge...consciousness... a living soul... It's trying to say something. I'm sorry, I don't understand. What? What is it? ...Danger? An evil...consciousness? ...show? You're going to show me?
A show! I love shows! Anyone got any popcorn?
Cloud!
Sorry.
We're watching a show, remember?
Meh, I've seen this one already. That guy there? See him? Totally gets gutted by Sephiroth.
OMG THANKS FOR SPOILING THE SHOW DECEIVE!!! :evil:
No problem.
...I wonder. Anyway, we have to report to the President.
Be careful, Tseng.
Yeah... Hey Elena, how 'bout dinner after this job's over?
Th... Thank you very much. If I may be excused...
She's totally blushing.
She's totally escaping death.
Think she's in league with Sephiroth?
...no.
CUE OMINOUS MUSIC!
CUE OMINOUS PENIS!
CUE OMINOUS SEPHIROTH!
...and his penis!
So you opened the door. Well done.
This place... what is it?
A lost treasure house of knowledge. The wisdom of the Ancients... I am becoming one with the Planet.
One with the Planet?
You stupid fools. You have never even thought about it. All the spirit energy of this Planet. All its wisdom... knowledge... I will meld with it all. I will become one with it... it will become one with me.
...you can do that?
The way...... lies here.
We were kind of standing right next to you.
Oh right. I guess I forgot.
Jesus fucking Christ...
Sephiroth is waiting for me! I know he is! We need to find the ROOM WITH PICTURES ON THE WALLS!!
I once had a groom with pictures on his balls, but he ran away with his sister.
Tee-hee.
......
SEPHIROTH!!
HOLY FUCKING SHIT IT'S SEPHIROTH! WE'RE DOOMED!
It's just the past times crystal ball swimming pool thing.
Oh. Yeah, that's right. Kewl.
Moving on, our heroes stumbled upon the clock puzzle room!
HOLY FUCKING SHIT IT'S THE TIME GUARDIAN! WE'RE DOOMED!
Get a grip on yourself, Cloud!
Alright! Grip taken!
Fantastic.
Do I start moving my arm now?
HELPFUL ADVICE: I'll say this right now; if you don't give a shit about piss-poor equipment, items and Aeris' bestest weapon in the game... just make your way out six o'clock.
Yeah, but we obviously had to pick up everything anyway.
Of course! I need that weapon!
You're going to use it for maybe fifteen minutes!! Tops! What the hell are you going to need it for? You're not a melee fighter! And you don't need the extra materia slots! What the hell are you going to use it for?!!
For fun...
Fffffffff...kinghell!!
Aeris, shut the fuck up.
Hey, narrator guy! What's the deal with this puzzle?
...sigh. Anything else?
Fantastic.
TWO JUMP OFF THE CLIFFS AND TWO DOOR ENTERINGS LATER WE CATCH THE DWARF AND CAN PROCEED.
IT IS THE ROOM WITH PICTURES ON THE WALLS!!!
Oh, right. Yes... Sorry.
THE ROOM WITH PICTURES ON THE WALLS!!
Shut the hell up.
SUDDENLY!
Who keeps saying that?!
What, you nervous?
*giggle*
I don't like it when SUDDENLY happens!
See! Fucking suddenly Sephiroth's teleported in here!
Oh fuck.
Fuck suddenly!
It's Sephiroth!
It's english, Cloud.
...oh...
....
....
...embarassing...
I knew that!
Sure you did.
I was just testing you!
Whatever.
At what!?
...
I don't see anything!
At the fucking mural, Cloud!
What!?
...the fucking pictures on the walls.
Oh!
...
....
...
I fucking knew that! Alright! I'm looking! What am I supposed to...
AT THAT WHICH... ahem... At that which adds to the knowledge of...
Oh here we fucking go again...
Sephiroth disappears into thin air and the heroic trio chases him to a last sit.
I WISH I WAS NEVER BORN!! BOOHOO!!
It's simple. Once the Planet is hurt, it gathers Spirit Energy to heal the injury. The amount of energy gathered depends on the size of the injury. ...What would happen if there was an injury that threatened the very life of the Planet? Think how much energy would be gathered! Ha ha ha. And at the center of that injury, will be me. All that boundless energy will be mine. By merging with all the energy of the Planet, I will become a new life form, a new existence. Melding with the Planet... I will cease to exist as I am now... Only to be reborn as a 'God' to rule over every soul.
An injury powerful enough to destroy the Planet?! Injure... the Planet?
THE GREATEST PICTURE ON THE WALL!
Indeed.
THAT WILL NEVER BECOME REALITY!
Hahaha...
MY EYES!
Oh no, what's happening now?
Oh fucking great, he's possessed by Sephiroth!
Cloud! Get a grip!
Yes, your name is Cloud! Now, come on! Let's go!
MINDFUCK!
Cloud! Come on! What's wrong?!
FACT: I watch in complete silence as Cloud and his transparent double go through every single animation Squaresoft bothered giving him.
SUDDENLY!
Oh shit, here we go again...
Well, Cloud, you kinda went all possessed by an evil spirit on us for a minute. We were kinda worried. Maybe we should seek help for you before you do something disastrous? In the meantime, let's not have you do anything important until we know you're completely intact. Okay? That's the best possible answer.
But...
WHY THE HELL DOES EVERYONE SAY EVERYTHING IS FUCKING ALRIGHT WHEN THINGS AREN'T?! THIS IS A SHITTY GAME WITH A SHITTY BULLSHIT STORY AND EVERYONE WHO DEFENDS IT SHOULD FUCKING DIE, DIE, FUCKING DIE IN A SNOWSTORM, A FIRE, A CAR ACCIDENT, A PRISON RIOT, A CITY RIOT AND A TERROR ATTACK AT THE SAME FUCKING TIME.
Srsly.
Now back to the game.
AFTER HIM!
Nah, he's too far away.
Alright. Let's look at the pictures then.
No, it's chocolate.
The ultimate chocolate.
SUDDENLY!
SHUT THE HELL UP! WE CAN SEE THE HUGE FUCKING DRAGON!
SUDDENLY!
...I hate you.
It's a red dragon. Kick him til he turns blue. Moving on.
SUDDENLY AFTER!
I can spell really well, you know.
Yeah, it's really something.
It sure is! Oh! Also...:
METAL GEAR?!
Thank you, Kiefer.
METAL GEAR?!
Kiefer Sutherland, ladies and gentlemen!
METAL GE--Oh sorry. I'm done here for now, right?
Yeah, we'll let you know if we need you.
Hey, what do we with this thing?
Hold on, I'll ask the dead people.
SUDDENLY LATER!
Jesus F. Christ...
Hmm, it's pretty hard. You see this is a device, which gets smaller each time you solve a puzzle. As the model becomes smaller, you become smaller too. Until it's small enough to fit in the palm of your hand.
So, if we solve the puzzles, the Black Materia will get smaller and smaller and we can take it out?
Yes, but there's one thing... You can only answer the puzzles inside the Temple. So, anyone who solves the puzzle will be crushed by the Temple.
I see... the Ancients didn't want dangerous magic to be taken out of the Temple so easily...
Guess stuff this dangerous is best left alone?
No. We've got to think of a way to get it out. Because Sephiroth has lots of different flunkies. It's nothing to him to throw their lives away to get the Black Materia. This place isn't safe.
So what are we going to do?
Ok.
Ok.
The heroes rushed to the exit. Deceive tagged along a little bit because he knew there was gonna be a boss fight.
That means the boss fight is warm.
What do you mean?
SUDDENLY OH SHIT!
OH SHIT!
You have a some-kinda-timelimit on this one. You gotta kick the wallman's ass before he crushes you. Easy enough. You should have picked up a new, shiny, sparkly, absolutely FAAAABULOUS dragon summon materia. Have Aeris use it.
Good.
BUT FIRST!
Jesus Christ, lady, get your mind outta your panties!
Come on, it'll be great!
I'LL TAKE THE CASE!
Yay!
Fuck.
Alright, the prediction says "you two are very compatible." Wow. And there's pictures too! Whoooooaaaa....
Yay!
Fuck.
Well, that's what the note says! Alright, I'm off to use my body in the name of the planet!
Have fun.
Don't come back a zombie!
Don't worry, I won't... Uh... I...
Got something to say?
I have a feeling you're deceiving us when you say that.
Shut up, Cloud! You can do this, Deceive! I believe in you! Be strong, Shinra cat spy guy!
Aeris...
Now hop! Hop! HOP LIKE THE WIND!!
YES, MA'AM!!
...oh jesus christ...
SUDDENLY!
YOU STARTLED ME! FUCKING ASSHOLE!
HAHAHA! CAPSLOCK NARRATOR IS AMUSED!
FUCK YOU!
SHUT THE FUCK UP!
GO INTO THE GODDAMN LIGHT!
OUTSIDE THE TEMPLE!
Think he's dead yet?
No idea.
Hmm...
Hey, what happens to Marlene if Deceive dies?
The Shinra will probably execute her, skin her, cut up into little pieces, paint them red and green and hang them on a christmas tree.
That's horrible!
But probably very accurate.
Holy shit, I wasn't expecting that.
Think that giant black energy ball surrounding the temple is a bad thing?
I don't know. I haven't seen many giant black energy balls surrounding temples.
Holy crap!
It seems like it made the second background layer disappear!
That's next-gen!
Oh well, let's go get the black materia.
That's great! That... oh hey, it's the PHS! Hello? Oh hi, Tif... oh, you wanna talk to Cloud? Well, I can... yeah, I can do that. Tifa's got something to tell you, on behalf of everyone else.
She doesn't want to talk to me?
She's afraid she'll get cooties.
....
Anyway, she thinks maybe I should hold the Black Materia so SOMEONE doesn't hand it to Sephiroth..
What? Why would SOMEONE had it to Sephiroth?
Hey, Tifa, why would... oh. She says maybe SOMEONE is easily possessed by dark spirits and prone to mindfucks? Then she swore and called me a dumb whore.
Hahaha, that's ridiculous! SOMEONE would never do some crazy stupid shit like that! Hahaha!
Well, maybe just in case she's right.
I refuse to have this conversation right now, Aeris. Hang up on that dumb bitch. Rest assured! Nothing bad will ever happen! Now... let's get back to the original script! Can you use this?
The Black Materia? Nope, we can't use it right now. You need great spiritual power to use it.
You mean lots of Spiritual energy?
That's right. One person's power alone won't do it. Somewhere special. Where there's plenty of the Planet's energy... Oh yeah! The Promised Land!!
The Promised Land!! No, but...
Sephiroth is different. He's not an Ancient.
He shouldn't be able to find the Promised Land.
...Ah, but I have.
SUDDENLY! OH SHI--
I am far superior to the Ancients.
And soon, I will create the future.
I won't let you do it! The future is not only yours!
Ha, ha, ha... I wonder?
SUDDENLY! OH SHI--
Look, up in the sky! Is it Sephiroth flying away with the Black Materia? Yes, yes it is.
Oh no...
Deceive! It's Cloud! He's... I think he's...
TO BE CONTINUED!