Let's Rip Off Something Awful - Dark Omen or No Love For 56K

[Sovy Kurosei]

Nah, Cedric/Jasede is more like that white wolf with red robes if you look through the Wizardry 8 avatars.

Also...

Where is our update?

 

[Jasede]

Ummm. Watch out! There's a three-headed monkey behind you! And there's rape in his eyes!

 

[Sovy Kurosei]

hawt

 

[Jasede]

I'll update Monday. I think. The next battle is so X.X you'll see. But the battle after that is ^_^.

 

[dagorkan]

Hey guys, Jasede is a furry.

 

[Shannow]

Hey guys, Jasede is a furry.

And you are french. Your point being? Is Jasede's furryism impairing his ability to entertain with this thread? Is you being french an excuse for your recent behaviour?
Keep your fucking drama out of this thread.

 

[Jasede]

Here's the in-game chariot art:

I kinda like Sovy's more, but I might be biased since Sovy is hot. Aaaanyway:


Update 12-3 - Hand's End Land

Hello everybody! This is Jasede (sorry, I am used to this from video LPs. I know it is retarded.) and you are reading "Let's Play Warhammer - Dark Omen". I am sorry I was so slow with updates lately. Here is my excuse: I am an especially loving lazy sloth. There!

Now onto the nitty-gritty! (I misuse and use that phrase way too often...)

First to refresh your memory: last time we and Commander Leonidas vanquished the hordes of undead that were waiting for us and our troops in ambush. They wanted to stop us from reaching the glacier in which the mystical Hand of Nagash, a powerful necromancer, is supposedly frozen in. We must not let the undead gain the Hand!

*riding noises*

It was as if the weariness had fallen from the shoulders of our men. As they approached the glacier, they were filled with a sense of purpose. Of course it was true: they were only mercenaries. But right now they were on a mission for the emperor himself, and everyone knew that he might lose his kin if the terrible armies of the Dread King would not be stopped.

Undead forces sighted up ahead!

The glacier is close, very close. We can see it clearly now, and the undead armies encircling it, guarding it. We were not all alone though, though the company was not of the welcome kind:

So! You have finally arrived. Much too late, as usual, Commander.
:evil: You called me Commander! You're learning.
The undead have managed to unfreeze the glacier and free the Hand! Thanks to your tardiness they have mustered in greater numbers! Now what are you going to do?
We wasted too much time helping that outlaw Muntz. And then we even wasted more helping Ragnar fight some witless trolls! I thought I taught you better than that all those years ago.
:evi: The Hand must be destroyed. At ALL costs. Sound the attack!

Before the battle, we are treated to a cutscene of the Hand being freed. Why they show this to us AFTER informing us the Hand has already been freed? Do not ask me. Must have been Electronic Arts' fault. Everything is.

Oh shi-

Bonjour! Je m'apelle Main de Nagash!

The cheatcode to see this cutscene happens to be "badbreath" which you need to type at the main menu.

Battle 19 - The Hand of Nagash

gently caress this battle. I did not bother to play "well" since I have a passionate hate for this unfun, boring son of a bitch. Maybe my sheer hatred for it will fuel our resolve though.

Hand of Nagash, meet viewers. Viewers, that is the Hand of Nagash, a powerful necromancer. In a chariot. Seriously,that rear end in a top hat... the sooner we get him the better.

...that's right, three chariots and two undead cavalry. They're all at level 1, too, making them far more dangerous than vanilla level 0 units. Plus, they all have a decent unit size.

Not gonna make it without a sizable deployment. Note the tasteful arrangement of the troops. I should get a degree in origami. Why I deployed two wizards I will never learn. I am not "twitch-skilled" enough to control two at once anyway! Durrr.

Horses. We rape them. Get it? I am a furry and my troops rape the horses. Skeletal horses.

While our loyal horse-rapists, err, our cavalry finishes the surviving horsies, trouble approaches from the west. Nothing our crossbows and wizards can't handle!

The flagellants' melee debut this mission! You can't see it but they roughly destroy one skeleton each second. Is this awesome: y/y?

A necromancer got a bit too close. KRUSH! WE KRUSH DER MAGIC MAN, etc.
*Squish!*
So much for the necromancer.

Don't know about you but that looks like a definite success in repelling the first wave!

This is where I mess up: Luther, special pyro unit and experienced commando, 'ports next to the Hand of Nagash to weaken him with some spell. However, Luther teleported himself pretty much right on top of some skeletons and had to emergency teleport away at once. The result?

The Hand of Nagash and two of his chariots get mad at us and charge! Which is very, very bad.... in fact, we lose many good men in this. I should have been more careful with Luther.

The Hand is formidable opponent. Asking Ragnar to help fight it was no use - his men just fled! And worse still, the Hand is in fact so resilient that the undead reinforcements manage to get close enough to join the carnage!

Eventually the Hand crumbles to dust... yet things go very badly. The flagellants are powerful, but we ordered their attack too late and now the cavalry and the ogres must fend off a powerful chariot and a unit of wights all alone.

Ragnar's men finally get a grip and regroup, attacking a unit of archers that snuck up on us from the west side of the ramp at once. Much too late.

That was it. We stand amidst a sea of corpses. And many of them are from our men. I just want to forget this battle. I won't even redo it.

Half the cavalry... dead.
A third of Ragnar's men... dead.
Two thirds flagellants... dead.

We pay more for the reinforcements at the next town than this mission paid. We made the second loss, after the Blighted Towers, and are now at only ~17000 gold instead of the 20000 we could have had I played better.

And yet... I feel it needed to be done. The Hand had to be stopped after all - for if you do not and the Hand manages to flee the battle, the final battle will be EVEN harder. If you are curious why I did so badly: mostly bad play, but also, always doing bonus missions. The Hand has many more troops around him if you dilly-dally too long. I believe he has 20% more troops if you do one optional side-quest (Muntz) and about 40% more if you do both, Muntz and the Trolls.

The Hand is destroyed, Morgan! Well done. You're even better than I used to be.
:evil: High praise, Klaus, high praise! Now let's return to Altdorf and report our success.

...

Here is the theme song this update: http://www.tindeck.com/audio/my/iblj/11 The Lurker by Cellar of Rats. Imagine it starting to play the moment you see the Hand the first time. Now leave it on. Listen. Imagine it play as our troops march back to Altdorf, through the cold north, where monsters roam.

Can you imagine our troops walking through the desolate, barren frozen wastes? The walking dead lurk everywhere. They wait. They whisper. They watch....

Tell me how the song made you feel.

 

[puppyonastik]

The losses really weren't all that bad. Try playing this game on the playstation and you'll end up blundering worse on easier missions.

Thanks for the update Jes. I'm anticipating seeing you fight the large numbers towards the end.

 

[Jasede]

So those weren't large numbers already o.o? I haven't played ahead, only the next mission (which rocks). We should be kinda done soon! I think we're at the last choice of the game after the next mission. I'd guess 5 more missions or 6.

 

[Top Hat]

You know, never in a million years did I expect to be interested in anything Jasede did which began with the words: "All right, I am going to show you some hot ... action so unzip those pants and get yourself good and ready."

I don't like real-time strategy games, but for some reason this thread has made me want to play Kohan. Why I bought an expansion pack to a game I never play is beyond me.

However, I can't say that I approve of this:

Seriously,that rear end in a top hat... the sooner we get him the better.

Although not being a necromancer, I can send waves and waves of the next best thing after you: lawyers.

I do find it a bit amusing to see the phrase "undead chariot".

Can you maybe perhaps make a post with a correlation between smileys and portraits? Sometimes I can follow who is who (because I guess based on closest expression), but occasionally it's a bit harder to follow.

Also, are these dialogues actually in the game, or are you just making them up?

Also, I don't know much about the game, but I wouldn't have thought that fielding an ice wizard would be very effective against the undead.

 

[Brother None]

So those weren't large numbers already o.o? I haven't played ahead, only the next mission (which rocks). We should be kinda done soon! I think we're at the last choice of the game after the next mission. I'd guess 5 more missions or 6.

So far the Codex always votes for accepting optional mission, ye hardly need to bother with a vote.

As for your losses: I've been trying out this game myself thanks to this thread, but I seem to tend to a lot more losses than you. You make this game look easier than it is.

(or I suck)

 

[Jasede]

There will be a vote, but... you will see. Let's just say that if you decide to help SPOILER I am making sure those guys die to show you that this game actually has consequences. Yes: you can "win" each battle merely by surviving and not fulfilling the mission objective and it will be reflected in dialogue and sometimes affect future missions. Depending on your vote I might get to show this off.

Top Hat, I write up all the dialogue from the game verbatim. I'll explain each smiley from now on with each post. Now that you mention it, I could take some liberties with it... Also, undead chariot is the Warhammer Fantasy name for it. So, yeah. And it is indeed a bit strange that the ice wizard does full damage against undead, but with any luck you won't see me use him much anyway. It's hard enough to control one wizard.

Kingston, just try playing some Shadow of the Horned Rat instead. After a lot of pain you'll certainly learn how to keep troops alive.

EDIT: Not Kingston, Brother None.

 

[Sovy Kurosei]

I thought the music was too ambient.

"We can't stop here, this is troll country!"

 

[Jasede]

Chapter 13 - The Choice of Your Lifetime

WE... sAw them! The SHADES and BONES. All of it we SPILLED and then there were NONE. Six of our brothers went to the OTHER side bUt the Commissionar found willing men who would EMBRACE the way of self-inflicted pain to true understanding. And then there were nine. They did not let us into the throne room in Altdorf. We flogged ourselves and CLEANSED the SIN from our BACKS; trickles of bl00d are pretty.

:!: (Karl Franz, Emperor of the Empire and Elector Count of Reikland, second from left) So. How did the mission fare?
(Witchhunter General Matthias, first from right) I learned that the Hand of Nagash was a necromancer kept inside a glacier since many ages past, but the undead succeeded in freeing this ancient being.
:!: And what befell this... Hand?
:evil: (Commander Morgan Bernhardt, Leader of the Grudgebringers) The Hand went the way of all flesh. I destroyed him.
:idea: (Volkmar 'the Grim' Von Hindenstern, Grand Theogonist of Sigmar, first from left) Ah, what a blessing! I fear to think of what power the Dread King might have gained with the Hand at his side.
:!: Congratulations, Commander. You have done well. But there still remains the Black Grail. Volkmar. give us your advice.
:idea: Information is scant. You might learn more at the court of Parravon. As far as I know the Grail resides in Bretonnia. According to some legends the Black Grail serves an evil purpose, servant to a dark god. It is said that the Grail is both many and one. Few approach it and live.
:evil: I won't let that worry me. I will ride straight to Bretonnia.
What would Bernhardt know of a Grail and evil? He is a simpleton in affairs supernatural. Besides, Bretonnia is roaming with devil worshippers and comely young witches that would lead him into all manner of depravity.
:evil: I wish!
I will ride ahead to Bretonnia and consult with some witchhunters about the best method of achieving this Grail of blackest sin.
:evil: Do what you like. I will do what I must. I will take my leave, my lord.
:!: Good fortune, Commander.

We, we, we all travelled, yes indeed, travel we did through the fallen corpses of dwarves at a familiar place of sweet blood, yes, BLOOD. South-west of Altdorf it was: Axebite Pass. The Commandante met with some DWARVES that reeked of good flesh and evil sin.

(Azguz Bloodfist, dwarf) How are ye Commander? Good to see ye. Heard ye were comin' this way. Oy wouldn't say no to joinin' ye!
:evil: I wouldn't say no either! Glad to have you with us. RESUME MARCH!

When the dwarves slept we cleansed four of them of their SINS. They will enter the afterlife REPENTINGLY and the blood felt good on our claws, the nails fierce to better scratch our itches of imperfection until we bleed. No one noticed and the Captain hired other dwarves to fill their ranks... the believed the story it was wild animals who RIPPED THEIR throats out! It is good, yes, yes, so very good to believe.

We could SMELL them.

(Klaus, Commander Bernhardt's old mentor) Undead forces sighted up ahead!
Let me get my axe ready, I will split their skulls!
:evil: Engage them! Forward!

Battle 20 - Battle of Axebite Pass Revisited

We could HEAR them. The hooves, how they POUNDED the earth and it shook in terror. We did not shake. Our flails felt good. Bones will be crushed. Ours, others'? Both will ClEaNsE us from SIN.

Undead poured, POURED into the pass just like blood sweet blood pours from the whiplash-streaked back as salt-water purges the sin from the whipped one. The cannons fired, FIRED but we knew we were better than cannons. Everyone of us was. Because all sin we had we BLED out.

We gripped the flails hard in our scarred hands. They say that riders have the advantage against infantry. They were fools, clouded by sin who never felt the joy of their perversions being beaten out of their weak bones.

Finally the battle began and we could at last taste our own blood as the undead failed to kill us, only making us stronger as we were purified by each slash of their rusty swords.

They were all CRUSHED and we spat on their bones, glad more came. The pain was headed towards us, and it felt good.

This day, a sacred day. They CAME yes, yes, charged, CHARGED into our ranks and we felt them cut our flesh, we felt their ichor in our wounds as we smashed the rotten bones and the scent of blood and death was invigorating. A few of our brothers reached perfection in this battle: we remember the smile on their faces as the riders cut their heads off, and we felt good. They had ascended.

The only lucky hit of the useless mortars. Why did the Caliph bring them!?! We could have done this ALL ALONE filled with divine resolve, yes, yes, good and strong and bloody.

Riders of the undead, the unholy sinful UNDEAD decided to purIFY the cannon-troopsss. We watched them with glee. If we can destroy dozens of the undead in our holy mission, so can they. The look on their faces as they drew their daggers they had never trained with... it was the look of a sinner about to be punished. Why were they not smiling?

THEY CHEATED. We were FURIOUS. How could they be this weak? They DrAnK an UNHOLY potion to make themselves stronger! Almost it seemed as if the blows of the undead simply bounced off the cannoniers! We were FURIOUS and charged at the next thing in reach, the familiar red haze of rightousness dimming our vision and strenghtening our arms.

We RENDED them LIMB from limb! Brothers who lost their weapons in the huddle would destroy the living dead with their bare hands, wrestling them of their horses and crushing the skeletons with rocks. More died and we were happy and jealous we were not yet PURGED enough, but at least we stood in a puddle of our own blood and the PAIN was there, the divine and blessed pain sent forth from the gods.

And then it was over. We began to mourn there were not more. The bl00d already stopped flowing as the wounds encrusted by and by, and we scratched at the scabs so we would keep bleeding and feel the joy of a pure, diivne thing.

The Champion Bernhoard bought bought bought armor for everyone. WHY? They would feel less pain! Why why why why? When I stab myself with the point of this quill it feels good. He said the gold was too heavy to carry around anyway. The merchants sure showed him, there was still so much we needed a whole wagon to carry the gold. What good is it? Note: this evening, try shoving coin in open wound. Maybe that an use?

Court of Parravon

:evil: Greetings, king Louen Leoncoeur.
:!: (Louen Leoncoeur, King of Bretonnia) To what do we owe you the honour of this visit, Commander Bernhardt?
:evil: I am searching for the Black Grail. Volkmar believed your might have some information.
:!: I can tell you little. All I can suggest is that you search in the city of Moussillon.
:evil: Moussillon! The decaying city of the dead and the damned! Even the living creep about that place like phantoms, and phantoms there outnumber the living.
Is that all you can tell us? Sending us to a city even the Bretonnian army is reluctant to approach? Don't you realise that if we fail, Bretonnia will fall as surely as any other kingdom? Won't you give us more help?
:!: With information? Non! But I can supply you with a regiment of Grail Knights while you are within Bretonnia. Isn't that generous enough?
:evil: Very generous. But I know you are aware of the importance of our mission. So if you can see any way to assist us further...
:!: Perhaps. If you continue onwards to Viengtiennes a regiment of Bretonian Knights will be waiting for you.
:evil: Many thanks, Leoncoeur. And farewell.

Confident those knights seemed. They had not seen what we did to the armies of undead, bearing naught but our robes so their swords may cut us better.

Another interruption!

(Some gay elf. Wait, all elves are gay.) Commander Bernhardt, well met! I am Elrond of the elves. And you must be Klaus Zimmermann who taught the Commander all he knows.
:evil: Klaus taught me *some* of the things I know, and that was long ago. Don't listen to any of the rumours he keeps spreading around.
Such ingratitude!
:evil: Ignore him, Elrond. By your looks you have some important news to impart.
Indeed! The king and queen of Loren request to meet you at King's Glade. They have vital information they wish to impart.

A) Go to King's Glade
B) Continue to Moussillon
C) Try A, get the gay elves killed and the experience points of their mission, then resume with path B.

 

[Jasede]

8 of the cannon's kills were done in melee. (Potion of Strength!)

 

[puppyonastik]

A: because we like more battles and xp.

 

[thras]

Kill elves (or let them die) for the experience!

 

[Sovy Kurosei]

C of course.

Stupid elves will not know what they are in for.

 

[Brother None]

C.

Just select the biggest baddies and charge it with their faggot elves.

 

[Andyman Messiah]

If you don't kill those elves it's evident that you're not man enough for this game. C, dammit!

 

[thras]

Shouldn't it be some sort of contest between the elven archers and the crossbowmen?

 

[Marsal]

Shouldn't it be some sort of contest between the elven archers and the crossbowmen?

Jasede is afraid that his gay crossbowmen will get outperformed by the mighty non-gay elven archers, even though they have tons more exp

 

[Andyman Messiah]

The only thing that matters is that elves should be killed and Jasede's the man to do it!

 

[Brother None]

Two more important questions pop up to Jasede:

As an elven hater, shouldn't you be giving more love to the dwarves? Just...use 'em for canon guard duty, or something.

Also, are you planning to use the grail knights?

 

[psycojester]

The Wood-Elf glade guards are fucking pathetic, the archers that come later are fucking brilliant, and on top of that the missions in the forest are fun.