Completed Porky's Ring: a Squire's Road to Greatness [SL1]

[NJClaw]

41 - Of hands, empires, and love

Spoiler

Don't worry my dear, that ugly knight can't hurt us anymore.

Oh, you want to... now? My manly displays must have had quite an effect.

But... I must confess something. I've gotten slightly out of shape recently, and... well, my belly makes it difficult to... you know...

Yeah... but, you see, there's nothing wrong with it, okay?

Oh... it seems you found it! I... I can't believe it...

Oh... oh my...

Oh yes, baby. I'm your champion. Yeah.

I... I don't know how to thank you...

What... what are you talking about? You don't think... do you? I mean, that's impossible, right?

...

A dreadful creature is approaching! Why won't they leave us alone?

The dragon lich, the evil wizard's pet! He came for me, my dear. I won't let him harm you!

 

[NJClaw]

42 - The evil wizard's final act

Spoiler

I've defeated the dragon, my dear...

OH NO! OH NO!

NO! This can't be happening...

No, my love... not you too. Not now that, with your coterie gone, I had you all to myself...

First L, and now this... are you still not satisfied, evil lich? You took everything from me... Oh, but you will pay. I WILL MAKE YOU PAY! I will strike you where it hurts the most!

...

You were wise to get here before me, wizard. You took her and hid her somewhere safe.

But you didn't foresee the unthinkable, did you? I've had sex now, so I developed superpowers! I can track her down with my new superhuman senses.

...

Her scent brought me to the most unholy of places, but I still can see her anywhere... wait, what is that?

No, it can't be... Good lord, lich. I knew you were a sick bastard, but this is too much even for you. I can appreciate a cum jar as much as the next gentleman, but you've gone too far.

Doesn't matter, I'm not afraid to get my hands dirty. I will get to her and strike her down!

...

Oh, my threat must have really got to you. What a fool, I would never hurt an innocent lady!

Now that you're here, you will pay. I've already defeated your magical clone, I'm not afraid of you.

My final insulin shot, and you'll soon be history.

 

[mediocrepoet]

41 - Of hands, empires, and love

This is some nasty Fifty Shades of Pork smut you've published here.

 

[NJClaw]

41 - Of hands, empires, and love

This is some nasty Fifty Shades of Pork smut you've published here.

I might have gone too far... but the "my hands will be dirtied once more by the deed" line was too perfect, the thing basically wrote itself.

But yeah, I probably need a break from the sexual stuff. And that includes bleed builds, which are so not broken you can skip Mohg's second phase even on a SL1 character (I'm sure adding the White Mask would outright finish the fight in phase 1).

 

[mediocrepoet]

But yeah, I probably need a break from the sexual stuff. And that includes bleed builds, which are so not broken you can skip Mohg's second phase even on a SL1 character (I'm sure adding the White Mask would outright finish the fight in phase 1).

Oh I don't know. I think going all out and seeing if you could nuke him before transition would be pretty fantastic. Especially in light of many of the "gaem so hurd" complaints.

 

[NJClaw]

But yeah, I probably need a break from the sexual stuff. And that includes bleed builds, which are so not broken you can skip Mohg's second phase even on a SL1 character (I'm sure adding the White Mask would outright finish the fight in phase 1).

Oh I don't know. I think going all out and seeing if you could nuke him before transition would be pretty fantastic. Especially in light of many of the "gaem so hurd" complaints.

Oh, the White Mask would definitely give enough AP to kill him just at the end of the transition, before his first phase 2 move. Sadly, I killed Varré for shits and giggles, so no mask this playthrough.

 

[mediocrepoet]

But yeah, I probably need a break from the sexual stuff. And that includes bleed builds, which are so not broken you can skip Mohg's second phase even on a SL1 character (I'm sure adding the White Mask would outright finish the fight in phase 1).

Oh I don't know. I think going all out and seeing if you could nuke him before transition would be pretty fantastic. Especially in light of many of the "gaem so hurd" complaints.

Oh, the White Mask would definitely give enough AP to kill him just at the end of the transition, before his first phase 2 move. Sadly, I killed Varré for shits and giggles, so no mask this playthrough.

Yeah. I get that. Who's maidenless now, you shit!?

 

[NJClaw]

43 - The warmth of a woman

Spoiler

The evil wizard's reign of terror is finally over. I avenged all the people of the Shouting Lands. But, most of all, I avenged you, L.

And you too, T.

I can't believe this is the second lover I'm burying.

It's time for a proper goodbye.

One last night of fun.

Goodbye forever, my dear.

...

This doesn't feel right. Is the crack supposed to be this big? I... I am falling into it! No... I'm getting sucked inside! Help, help!

Aaaaahhh!

Where am I?! Is it possible the evil lich put a miniaturization spell inside her hole with his dying curse? Even in death, he keeps tormenting me.

Wow... women are truly disgusting. There's rotten blood everywhere and... and there are monsters!

 

[NJClaw]

Yeah. I get that. Who's maidenless now, you shit!?

I tried another ranged battle just for you. Ranged combat is surprisingly viable against big, slow enemies, but you're basically forced to rely on ashes of war. I want to try Radahn's bow next.

 

[mediocrepoet]

Yeah. I get that. Who's maidenless now, you shit!?

I tried another ranged battle just for you. Ranged combat is surprisingly viable against big, slow enemies, but you're basically forced to rely on ashes of war. I want to try Radahn's bow next.

I've been wanting to do a few different builds in the game, including a ranged only one. I'm just on a break from the game atm since I hit it so hard for such a prolonged period. I might go back to it after a palette cleanser game.

 

[NJClaw]

44 - The wrong chromosome

Spoiler

The Shouting Lands might have been inhospitable, but I've literally been in Hell and I can say this damn place is worse.

Everything smells and there's disgusting shit in every corner. I've fended off so many bacteria I'm starting to feel like a war criminal.

...

Wait, is this a voice I'm hearing? T? Is that you?

I'd recognize your angelic voice a million years from now. Please, tell me, how can I escape... your insides?

Of course, my dear. Anything for you.

Don't worry, babe. I won't rest until this sickness that is eating you from the inside has been dealt with.

Of course. Whatever that thing is, I will crush it under the weight of my love for you!

...

Finally I've reached my target. This creature is scary, but I will stop at nothing to save you, T. I just hope getting rid of it will finally make you whole.

 

[Andnjord]

42 - The evil wizard's final act

Holy crap, that was pretty damn broken. Imagine that but on a normal lvl120-150 character whith an actual stamina bar where you don't have to catch your breath after every jump attack (although it was quite in character with the Porkstar's persona)

 

[Andnjord]

I'm just on a break from the game atm since I hit it so hard for such a prolonged period. I might go back to it after a palette cleanser game.

Same thing here, gonna be on an extended trip so I decided to not pack the controller and instead play some Cities: Skyline. Although if you think Malenia is hard, try building an interchange between three different highways that maximizes traffic whilst keeping its footprint as limited as possible!

44 - The wrong chromosome

This shows again how much builds are more about weapons and ashes of war plus talismans and Flask rather than pure stats in Elden Ring. My strength build (70ish STR) using the Greatsword and Lion's Claw was only doing around 400 more damage against Astel. The only real difference was in the HP, Focus and Stamina bars.

 

[mediocrepoet]

I'm just on a break from the game atm since I hit it so hard for such a prolonged period. I might go back to it after a palette cleanser game.

Same thing here, gonna be on an extended trip so I decided to not pack the controller and instead play some Cities: Skyline. Although if you think Malenia is hard, try building an interchange between three different highways that maximizes traffic whilst keeping its footprint as limited as possible!

I find that building autism simulators aren't really my thing. I'm more or less allergic to games that don't have combat, probably because I'm some sort of missing link and my pig brain can't handle it.

Actually, that's not entirely true. Games that are basically business simulators that let you run your "enemies" into the ground financially also scratch the itch for my inner dickhead.

 

[Andnjord]

I find that building autism simulators aren't really my thing. I'm more or less allergic to games that don't have combat, probably because I'm some sort of missing link and my pig brain can't handle it.

Actually, that's not entirely true. Games that are basically business simulators that let you run your "enemies" into the ground financially also scratch the itch for my inner dickhead.

Manly and virile brains can get stimulated through combat, but so too can the challenges of meticulous planning, solving logistical puzzles and optimisation do the trick. It's the reason we enjoy min-maxing builds so much after all, except with the added reward of crushing an orc's face more efficiently as a direct consequence.

Spoiler

Would you believe me if I told you I actually work in the arts in real life?
I'll also stop larping a 19th century scholar, promise!

 

[mediocrepoet]

I find that building autism simulators aren't really my thing. I'm more or less allergic to games that don't have combat, probably because I'm some sort of missing link and my pig brain can't handle it.

Actually, that's not entirely true. Games that are basically business simulators that let you run your "enemies" into the ground financially also scratch the itch for my inner dickhead.

Manly and virile brains can get stimulated through combat, but so too can the challenges of meticulous planning, solving logistical puzzles and optimisation do the trick. It's the reason we enjoy min-maxing builds so much after all, except with the added reward of crushing an orc's face more efficiently as a direct consequence.

Spoiler

Would you believe me if I told you I actually work in the arts in real life?
I'll also stop larping a 19th century scholar, promise!

lol I wasn't minimizing the manliness of urban planning and other organizational strategies. I think there's just an element of escapism I crave, so killing dragons or becoming the next megabillionaire and having my enemies killed is where it's at.

Spoiler

I used to teach Classical Philosophy in university and then became a Chartered Accountant and started a side business.

 

[NJClaw]

Holy crap, that was pretty damn broken

Damage stats are a lie. You spend 70 levels and all you get in return is killing a boss with two fewer hits. The difference is more noticeable against regular enemies who overwhelm you in groups, but that's not an issue if you know what you're doing. I'm getting more and more excited for my VIG/END playthrough, and that's the build I will try my first no-death run probably.

 

[NJClaw]

45 - My one true goddess

Spoiler

With the cancerous sickness removed, my beloved T has been finally healed. My cure was all she needed to become whole again.

The sheer power of my love combined with the heroicness of my selfless act summoned a holy miracle: engulfed by a ray of sacred light, T's body has been cleansed of the cursed disfigurements inflicted by the evil wizard, and she's been brought back to life in all her beauty.

I know what I must do. I've already lost one lover, and I've come worryingly close to losing another one.

Life is too short to risk missing even just one more day of our life together, T.

I've already hired the band.

With this serenade, my dear, I'm only asking you one question: will you make me the happiest man alive?

...what's wrong? Why won't you look at me, T? I cured you, now you're what you've always wanted to be. Look at you, you're beautiful. Tell me, what's wrong?

What do you mean by "it's not how you imagined it"? What did you expect?

Oh, come on. I did my best, I gave you what you wanted.

Stop, what are you doing! T, stop!

It can't end like this... not again. But I won't tolerate you hitting me. Domestic violence against men is a serious issue and I won't take it lightly.

Have mercy of this poor woman, my dear blade. Because I most certainly won't.

 

[mediocrepoet]

45 - My one true goddess

Spoiler

With the cancerous sickness removed, my beloved T has been finally healed. My cure was all she needed to become whole again.

The sheer power of my love combined with the heroicness of my selfless act summoned a holy miracle: engulfed by a ray of sacred light, T's body has been cleansed of the cursed disfigurements inflicted by the evil wizard, and she's been brought back to life in all her beauty.

I know what I must do. I've already lost one lover, and I've come worryingly close to losing another one.

Life is too short to risk missing even just one more day of our life together, T.

I've already hired the band.

With this serenade, my dear, I'm only asking you one question: will you make me the happiest man alive?

...what's wrong? Why won't you look at me, T? I cured you, now you're what you've always wanted to be. Look at you, you're beautiful. Tell me, what's wrong?

What do you mean by "it's not how you imagined it"? What did you expect?

Oh, come on. I did my best, I gave you what you wanted.

Stop, what are you doing! T, stop!

It can't end like this... not again. But I won't tolerate you hitting me. Domestic violence against men is a serious issue and I won't take it lightly.

Have mercy of this poor woman, my dear blade. Because I most certainly won't.

Your image link is broken.

Great fight, but I have sympathy PTSD for how many attempts it took.

 

[NJClaw]

Your image link is broken.

I'm too hungover to fix it.

Great fight, but I have sympathy PTSD for how many attempts it took.

It wasn't that bad. More than two-thirds of the attempts have been wasted on trying to parry that fucking left-side pirouette slash. The moment I decided to cave in and just dodge it, it was just a matter of building up the right level of concentration.

Still... 238 deaths are more than those caused by everything else in the game combined. Times 20.

 

[Andnjord]

45 - My one true goddess

Spoiler

With the cancerous sickness removed, my beloved T has been finally healed. My cure was all she needed to become whole again.

The sheer power of my love combined with the heroicness of my selfless act summoned a holy miracle: engulfed by a ray of sacred light, T's body has been cleansed of the cursed disfigurements inflicted by the evil wizard, and she's been brought back to life in all her beauty.

I know what I must do. I've already lost one lover, and I've come worryingly close to losing another one.

Life is too short to risk missing even just one more day of our life together, T.

I've already hired the band.

With this serenade, my dear, I'm only asking you one question: will you make me the happiest man alive?

...what's wrong? Why won't you look at me, T? I cured you, now you're what you've always wanted to be. Look at you, you're beautiful. Tell me, what's wrong?

What do you mean by "it's not how you imagined it"? What did you expect?

Oh, come on. I did my best, I gave you what you wanted.

Stop, what are you doing! T, stop!

It can't end like this... not again. But I won't tolerate you hitting me. Domestic violence against men is a serious issue and I won't take it lightly.

Have mercy of this poor woman, my dear blade. Because I most certainly won't.

She sees someone wlaking towards her with a shield and Misericorde, doesn't realise he's there to parry non-stop and she still spams R1? Pffff, what a noob.

Spoiler

Goddamn bro, mad respect for doing this, you can now stand in the hall of the Codexer Heroes of Legend

Still... 238 deaths are more than those caused by everything else in the game combined. Times 20.

Ok, that's 238 deaths in total. But how many were of the testing and learning variety, how many were in a serious attempt mode and how many were of the "that was so close, the fight was going so well" soul-crushing category?

 

[mediocrepoet]

Still... 238 deaths are more than those caused by everything else in the game combined. Times 20.

Ok, that's 238 deaths in total. But how many were of the testing and learning variety, how many were in a serious attempt mode and how many were of the "that was so close, the fight was going so well" soul-crushing category?

Yes, please submit data in .xml or csv format for parsing and graphing. We need to determine your bro to cuck ratio and other proper Codexian measures for the official record.

 

[NJClaw]

Ok, that's 238 deaths in total. But how many were of the testing and learning variety, how many were in a serious attempt mode and how many were of the "that was so close, the fight was going so well" soul-crushing category?

For the first 60 attempts I trained my parry timings against her most common regular attacks. The left-side jump, quick sequence of slashes, and the (very rare) forward jump came natural as they are parriable as any other attack in the game. After attempt number 8, I was already able to reach the end of phase 2 by just parrying these and dodging the rest. I'm reviewing the videos and, roughly around attempt 40, I was able to consistently parry the right-side jump (as soon as you realize you need to strife right while she jumps, parrying it because as easy and natural as the other regular attacks). Around the same time I also realized the only way to parry the standing slash of death is to constantly (and I mean CONSTANTLY) think about it. I'm not exaggerating: my strategy consists in repeating in my head "now she is going to do that move" after every attack or animation, mentally picturing her moving her right arm up. If I don't do that, I can NEVER react in time to it. During attempts 40 to 60 I just trained with this approach and, believe me, getting used to repeating this every single second of the fight is easier said than done.

Attempts 60 to 230 were wasted on training against the left-side pirouette. Since strafing right is the key to parrying the right-side jump and strafing left is the key to parrying the easy left-side jump, I tried moving in different directions, until I settled on moving to my right and back. However, after 150 attempts wasted on this stupid attack, I was still dying to it every 5 times or so, so I just said fuck it and went back to dodging it. I also tried to block it and parry the follow-up move for a while, but I got tired of it pretty fast.

For the last 8 attempts I went full sicko mode and started using rune arcs and exalted flesh. I died 6 times either because I skipped a "now she is going to do that move" for just a second or because I wasn't used to the follow-up moves to the left-side pirouette (I can consistently parry all but one of them and, as everything else in this fight, that isn't good enough to risk it), I died one time to the clones attack because my brain farted and I forgot to throw the pot, and then I finally made it.

Keep in mind that I had already faced her multiple times in other playthrough, so I was already 100% familiar with her moveset. If I didn't care about trying to parry everything, the first time I could have finished her but quit out instead was attempt 11.