Completed Porky's Ring: a Squire's Road to Greatness [SL1]

[Andnjord]

You've ruined my life so many times now that I've lost count, evil lich, but I won't let you ruin the last remnants of the Shouting Lands! Your time has come! And I know your tricks. I know your flesh is poisonous and nauseating, I won't risk my health touching you!

Damn nice fight, another one to file under the header "Stuff I never knew you could parry".
Dat ending though, how high did your heart-rate shoot up?

I see you're of the right tonnage,

That line really 'cracked' me up

 

[mediocrepoet]

I enjoyed the use of the crossbow, Carian retaliation, and the Albinauric head. Solid all around.

 

[NJClaw]

how high did your heart-rate shoot up?

What are you talking about? I finished the fight with a perfectly reasonable amount of HP:

I guess the game finally realized who's the boss, and now these puny enemies are experiencing all these "shit, I almost did it!" moments we're so used to.

Damn nice fight, another one to file under the header "Stuff I never knew you could parry".

Parrying that spell in melee is far more efficient, because you don't risk leaving around the area of fire that almost killed me (or better, that killed me but left me alive for some reason).

I enjoyed the use of the crossbow

I did it only for you. Now I have to find a boss slow enough to use the hand ballista.

 

[Andnjord]

how high did your heart-rate shoot up?

What are you talking about? I finished the fight with a perfectly reasonable amount of HP:

I guess the game finally realized who's the boss, and now these puny enemies are experiencing all these "shit, I almost did it!" moments we're so used to.

Oh god, the memories

Spoiler

 

[NJClaw]

Oh god, the memories

The game literally throwing shade at you:

 

[Andnjord]

Oh god, the memories

The game literally throwing shade at you:

Nice

Spoiler

 

[NJClaw]

35 - Turns out power attacks DO exist

Spoiler

Now that I've freed the city from the evil wizard, the streets are no longer safe for me. I've become too famous, too desired. The sighting of the hero who defeated the lich would throw the region into turmoil.

This is why I must lay low, hiding in the sewers for a while.

Wastes that come down the pipes are nutritious, but I don't know how much longer I can go on like this. A man, especially one as abundant as me, has needs.

...

I think I reached my limit. I have been down here for almost a day now, and I haven't eaten a Big Mac in more than two hours. I need to get out.

...

Oh no, a fan spotted me!

Who is this guy? I'm sure I've already seen him somewhere...

Oh no... he is that weird guy who keeps writing fanfictions about me. Listen, dude, you need to leave me alone. I already have plenty of stalkers, and you're way too verbose for me. I've never read even a single one of your flamboyant words, just drop it.

Oh, who am I kidding? I know you will never leave me alone. I know you people can't shake the thought of me out of your sad little brains. Come here, it's time to give you a lesson. I don't care who you are. I'll be sure to put tranquil flowers on your grave.

 

[Andnjord]

Oh, who am I kidding? I know you will never leave me alone. I know you people can't shake the thought of me out of your sad little brains. Come here, it's time to give you a lesson. I don't care who you are. I'll be sure to put tranquil flowers on your grave.

Bonk!

Subtle, refined, elegant.

 

[NJClaw]

Bonk!

Subtle, refined, elegant.

This has been one of my favorite fights. The damage this thing does even at SL1 is insane, even without factoring in madness. And it's amusing that in this (at times) impossible and unfair game you can defeat the third-to-last boss using only a shield just by pressing L2 six times.

If the wiki isn't lying, infusing this shield with bleed gives it a bleed buildup that's even higher than that of a twinblade. If all hits connect, you can probably make him bleed with a single charge.

 

[NJClaw]

36 - The Feet-Collector gets vaxxed

Spoiler

I can't believe my own eyes: the Feet-Collector stands before me once again. His eyes are empty, his mind has been driven crazy by the abstinence from the pleasures that gave him sustenance.

But how is he still alive? With the evil lich dead, I didn't expect more of my enemies to come back from the dead. Is it possible that... ? No, it doesn't make sense, I've seen his bones crumble under my bolts.

Maybe he defeated his captor just like I did... no, this makes even less sense. If I just barely managed to do it, no mortal could achieve freedom that way.

Doesn't matter now, those are questions for another time. The Viking's mouth is foaming, his eyes are devoid of any trace of humanity. Who knows if that's because of the tortures he endured in Hell or his ungodly perversions.

Face me, beast. In my immense wisdom, I discovered a cure for your condition. Here, just take this shot. Trust me, it's harmless.

 

[Andnjord]

T'was nobly fought

Spoiler

Almost no hits, damn good job

 

[NJClaw]

T'was nobly fought

Spoiler

Almost no hits, damn good job

I always take that single hit that ruins an otherwise flawless fight...

 

[NJClaw]

Fucking Radagon, man...

I've always found him easy, but facing him with no HP requires a playstyle completely different from what I'm used to against him. Each attack requires such a precise timing...

First time in the entire playthrough where I need a break from a boss (but, to be fair, I completely skipped Placidusax altogether). I've already died more times to him than to all the other bosses combined.

 

[mediocrepoet]

I hate that you've made me kinda/sorta want to do a pure strength shield bash/crash run.

 

[NJClaw]

I hate that you've made me kinda/sorta want to do a pure strength shield bash/crash run.

With Shield Crash, a cold-infused Briar Greatshield or Spiked Palisade wreck anything that's even remotely staggerable. With 65 bleed and 100+ frostbite buildup, the first L2 will always proc frostbite, then the second one will deal even more damage AND proc bleed. You don't get 100% physical damage reduction, but actually blocking is the worst possible use of your stamina and time. It's not a blocking tool that gives you a useful attack, but a weapon that gives you 90% damage reduction while attacking.

With the main weapon choice you can go wild, but I would advise using something good at dealing with multiple enemies and with good range. The Nox Flowing Hammer would be my first choice, but then you'd have to two-hand it every time you want to use its weapon art. A fire or blood Urumi is probably ideal.

 

[Andnjord]

T'was nobly fought

Spoiler

Almost no hits, damn good job

I always take that single hit that ruins an otherwise flawless fight...

I was probably one of my favourite fights to watch from you, also helps that Hoara Loux is my favourite boss in all of Elden Ring. Thanks you for not cheesing him

Fucking Radagon, man...

His moveset completely baffled my brain last I fought him, I can only sympathise thinking that you won't be able to just facetank him and out-dps him like I did. I trust that someone of Porky's gravitas will beat Radagon through the sheer intellectual weight of his arguments. Good luck!

Spoiler

Also, no Malenia?

EDIT: Should have said the timing of his moveset.

 

[NJClaw]

Thanks you for not cheesing him

Hey, did I ever cheese anything?

I guess you could consider the Fingerprint Stone Shield a way to cheese Gideon, but he's such an easy and exploitable boss that it's difficult to find something that doesn't look like cheese against him.

I trust that someone of Porky's gravitas will beat Radagon through the sheer intellectual weight of his arguments.

I'll try porky's usual strategy: saying something so retarded that everyone in the room just spontaneously explodes.

Also, no Malenia?

How could you ever think that? It's the Porkster we're talking about, not some random maidenless weakling.

 

[Andnjord]

Hey, did I ever cheese anything?

Quoth the sage:

If you use OP high damage builds or OP weapon ashes or summons, then it's a lot easier.

I have yet to see anyone here post videos where they defeat bosses using actual skill, myself included, where by skill I mean parrying/dodging exactly on time consistently.

it's just too much rolling, and I am not wasting my time on that.

Sorry, I play RPGs (and games) for fun.

So since you essentially got fucked up, how did you win the fight? By guzzling potions, and spamming attacks when you could.

Now compare this to one of those awesome looking Renaissance HEMA duels on youtube, and you will see what I mean by terrible combat.

The stuff like dual wielding 2 great swords, or giant swords that look like street signs, or anime shit with flashing spinning bullshit, that's not for me.

In games like KCD, Warband, BotW, you don't need to look up fancy OP builds, you can just use basic combat principles to have success.

roll around like a retard to win

Ok, I should stop now if I want to maintain any shreds of my sanity. Not sure if half of them are relevant but who cares, it's so much fun

 

[mediocrepoet]

Hey, did I ever cheese anything?

Quoth the sage:

If you use OP high damage builds or OP weapon ashes or summons, then it's a lot easier.

I have yet to see anyone here post videos where they defeat bosses using actual skill, myself included, where by skill I mean parrying/dodging exactly on time consistently.

it's just too much rolling, and I am not wasting my time on that.

Sorry, I play RPGs (and games) for fun.

So since you essentially got fucked up, how did you win the fight? By guzzling potions, and spamming attacks when you could.

Now compare this to one of those awesome looking Renaissance HEMA duels on youtube, and you will see what I mean by terrible combat.

The stuff like dual wielding 2 great swords, or giant swords that look like street signs, or anime shit with flashing spinning bullshit, that's not for me.

In games like KCD, Warband, BotW, you don't need to look up fancy OP builds, you can just use basic combat principles to have success.

roll around like a retard to win

Ok, I should stop now if I want to maintain any shreds of my sanity. Not sure if half of them are relevant but who cares, it's so much fun

I can feel my brain disintegrating before the weight of this Truth.

 

[Andnjord]

I can feel my brain disintegrating before the weight of this Truth.

Surely you meant "before the weight of His Truth" you philistine

 

[mediocrepoet]

I can feel my brain disintegrating before the weight of this Truth.

Surely you meant "before the weight of His Truth" you philistine

Actually, it's the weight of HER truth. (((foreshadowing)))

Spoiler

Across the multiverse, it was foretold that a great heroine would arise. The Pork is too great for one being alone to contain. Some day, all will know the legend of PorkettaThePaladin.

 

[NJClaw]

I'm so mad at this fucking game I will probably kill infinitron

 

[Andnjord]

I'm so mad at this fucking game I will probably kill infinitron

Time for a death montage?

 

[NJClaw]

I'd wish. After a break, I decided to give it another try. After what's essentially a perfect fight by my standards, I discovered the Elden Beast's arena has a fucking invisible wall that materializes when you smash your face into it. Fuck me.

 

[Andnjord]

You should have kept a better .txt file of what I say in the Elden Ring thread:

(the first one was cut short by the arena limit stopping me from dodging his Ring attack. Didn't even know until that moment there was an arena limit

EDIT: Just watched the video, and goddamn, what a heartbreak that was, exactly how the forementionned atempt ended.