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Completed Porky's Ring: a Squire's Road to Greatness [SL1]
- Thread starter NJClaw
- Start date
37 - Penetrating the impenetrable
Poor gullible heretic. There's only one cure for those with your condition: death. But the question remains: how did he come back from the dead? Only the evil lich is versed enough in the necromantic arts to perform such a heinous ritual.
This can only mean... it doesn't make sense, but he must be alive. Somehow, he escaped the destruction I brought to him.
But if even death won't stop the wizard, how can I rid the world of him? He is invincible, I'm just a doomed fool...
...
I can't breathe. I feel something heavy on my chest. I've defeated gods, but those stay dead once you chop off their head... I can't face THIS. I see only despair in front of me, and there's only one person who can help me when I feel like this...
I know I shouldn't, but I see no other option...
I'm here, baby.
I hope you've forgiven me.
And I hope you'll forgive me for what I'm about to do...
God, you're still beautiful. If possible, you're even hotter now.
Let's pretend that nothing bad ever happened.
Let's pretend the outside world doesn't exist. There's only me and you now.
Finally, after all this time, after all this suffering, I will go past those impenetrable thorns. I don't care if it hurts, I want to see what you've been hiding down there all this time. Doesn't matter what I'll discover, I will love you nonetheless.
I'm here in front of your treasure, naked as the day I was born.
Come on, L. Let me taste your Elden Ring.
This can only mean... it doesn't make sense, but he must be alive. Somehow, he escaped the destruction I brought to him.
But if even death won't stop the wizard, how can I rid the world of him? He is invincible, I'm just a doomed fool...
...
I can't breathe. I feel something heavy on my chest. I've defeated gods, but those stay dead once you chop off their head... I can't face THIS. I see only despair in front of me, and there's only one person who can help me when I feel like this...
I know I shouldn't, but I see no other option...
I'm here, baby.
I hope you've forgiven me.
And I hope you'll forgive me for what I'm about to do...
God, you're still beautiful. If possible, you're even hotter now.
Let's pretend that nothing bad ever happened.
Let's pretend the outside world doesn't exist. There's only me and you now.
Finally, after all this time, after all this suffering, I will go past those impenetrable thorns. I don't care if it hurts, I want to see what you've been hiding down there all this time. Doesn't matter what I'll discover, I will love you nonetheless.
I'm here in front of your treasure, naked as the day I was born.
Come on, L. Let me taste your Elden Ring.
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I don't know if you guys knew this, but apparently Malenia is the blade of Miquella.
Thank God I'll be away from home for a couple of days.
I don't know if you guys knew this, but apparently Malenia is the blade of Miquella.
Wolves hunt in packs!
Goblins hate fire!
They're masterworks all, you can't go wrong!
38 - Filler episode V
So this what you were hiding from me, L. I can't say nobody tried to warn me, but I refused to believe anyone but you.
I'm so confused right now. I need to drown my thoughts in high-T activities.
But the adrenaline of the hunt has only enhanced my hidden desires. Oh, enough with this puritanism. You only live once, and I don't want to die with any regret. I'll visit the club once more.
Wow, that was... wow. But I need more, I need more!
So this what you were hiding from me, L. I can't say nobody tried to warn me, but I refused to believe anyone but you.
I'm so confused right now. I need to drown my thoughts in high-T activities.
But the adrenaline of the hunt has only enhanced my hidden desires. Oh, enough with this puritanism. You only live once, and I don't want to die with any regret. I'll visit the club once more.
Wow, that was... wow. But I need more, I need more!
Andnjord
Arcane
Wait, two updates from Porky's finest adventures and I didn't receive notifications for it? Outrageous I say! 
Nice job on Radagon/Elden Beast, the mace's ridiculous self-hyping R2 made it all the better
Nice job on Radagon/Elden Beast, the mace's ridiculous self-hyping R2 made it all the better
A nearly perfect fight I'd say 
The last hit felt very satisfying.
Just Dance: Elden Ring Edition confirmed!Nice job on Radagon/Elden Beast, the mace's ridiculous self-hyping R2 made it all the better
I want to know who decided to put that animation into the game.
Unsurprisingly, this is the boss that killed me the most so far, and way more than anything else in the game. I made it after 23 attempts and it required a little over an hour. But it took so many tries only because I was adamant about parrying everything that was parryable: without this imposition, I would probably have done it in around 8 attempts. I already loved this bossfight, but I think that, when you add parries to your arsenal, Radagon becomes a perfect 10/10. The fight flows perfectly between stuff you can parry and stuff you have to dodge/jump, and 99% of the parriable attacks can be reacted to just like almost anything else in the game: when the weapon starts to swing towards you. The only exception is the very rare hammer stab, which is so fast it requires almost god-like reflexes to be parried.A nearly perfect fight I'd say
Andnjord
Arcane
Is your strength extraordinary yet?
I can only tell you that an unspecified enemy I won't name has killed me almost more times than all the other bosses in the game combined. Times ten.
But, seriously speaking: I can kill her playing normally, but I'm trying to parry most of her attacks and the only thing I can say is... some of her parry windows are fucked up, man. If fighting her normally is hard, doing so parrying two specific attacks she does is suicide-inducing.
Andnjord
Arcane
I tried parrying her too, but quickly realised that it was a foolish idea and put that ambition to rest.
Then lost my sanity and summoned some Sunbros, but that's another story.
"Endure...in enduring grow strong".
I love how, if you try to parry everything, her most unsuspicious move becomes the most dangerous attack she can make. Now, whenever I see the waterfowl, I always think "at least it's not THAT one".
Andnjord
Arcane
Is that the right sided jump and swipe? That's the one I could never get right, unlike the left sided one.
Never had any problem with that. The real pain in the ass is the simple slash she does without jumping. I don't have any concrete numbers, but it must be the fastest attack in the entire series. The only way I've found to react to it in time is to just assume she is always about to do that move.
If you try to parry everything this way, you learn to parry like a mediocrepoet.
Andnjord
Arcane
Ooooh, right right, forgot about that one.
Sounds like the Ashina Cross from the AShina Elite in Sekiro. Except it might be faster. And you need to deflect it twenty times. And you have less frames to time it right. And she has 15 other attacks to worry about....oh gawd it's so much worse.
But how do I assume she is always about to do two different moves at once?
I can't say anything for sure, but I'd wager Malenia's attack is slightly faster than Ashina Elite's Iaijutsu. Or at least very similar.
On a (semi) unrelated note: I couldn't understand why my critical damage was inconsistent until I realized... standing in water grants her fire resistance. Fuck you, Infinitron. Seriously.
But how do I assume she is always about to do two different moves at once?
You get hit in the face. A lot.
Water increases fire resist and lowers lightning resist. To you too. It's why those misbegotten shaman or whatever they are with the lightning blasts can wreck your shit hard if you're not careful in that puddle temple.
39 - The shameless coterie
I'm having so much fun in this club. But I want to try something different now: a cute girl in the alt-rock room caught my interest. The only problem: this place is full of bitches who want a piece of this tasty porkster.
Get away from me, you wenches! You don't have that *little something* that reminds me of *her*.
Get away, I said! Oh, if you won't listen, I see only one possible solution.
I will make you.
Take this!
And this!
Get tired? Me? Oh, you don't know the lengths I will go to deter the touch of a woman!
You will NOT damage my honor!
Can't you see I abhor you? You don't have what it takes to make this porkster happy! Only *she* does!
...
Finally I'm in her VIP room. I heard this is the most exclusive place of the entire Shouting Lands, everyone dreams of being admitted here. But... if it's so exclusive, why is it full of people? Her coterie is impressive. And where is she?
Wait, why are they staring at me menacingly?
Hey, don't come at me! I'm not here to hurt her! I'm just like you, on of her fans!
Oh, I see there's no reasoning with you... you've already lost your mind long ago... who knows how long you've been empty and mad.
Get away from me, you wenches! You don't have that *little something* that reminds me of *her*.
Get away, I said! Oh, if you won't listen, I see only one possible solution.
I will make you.
Take this!
And this!
Get tired? Me? Oh, you don't know the lengths I will go to deter the touch of a woman!
You will NOT damage my honor!
Can't you see I abhor you? You don't have what it takes to make this porkster happy! Only *she* does!
...
Finally I'm in her VIP room. I heard this is the most exclusive place of the entire Shouting Lands, everyone dreams of being admitted here. But... if it's so exclusive, why is it full of people? Her coterie is impressive. And where is she?
Wait, why are they staring at me menacingly?
Hey, don't come at me! I'm not here to hurt her! I'm just like you, on of her fans!
Oh, I see there's no reasoning with you... you've already lost your mind long ago... who knows how long you've been empty and mad.
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Andnjord
Arcane
Really? You talk about rock and roll and alt-bitches and your mind doesn't instantly summon the exquisite pun of Porkstar?
EDIT: Goddamn the Shield-Crash is awesome
You'll have to forgive me, but every 20 deaths against Malenia I lose a neuron and as of now I am left with a grand total of... zero (0).
I get this, I'm on a break atm from finishing my mage playthrough (just Malenia and the finale to go). I keep nuking the hell out of her first phase and part of her second and then eat a goddamned clone attack and get one shot.
Andnjord
Arcane
Great, looks like we're all stuck at the same point in the game now, time for a Sunbro party!
40 - The Whitest Knight
Having dispatched the entire coterie, I can finally approach the young girl. And boy, what a fine young girl she is.
She watches me from afar, feigning disinterest.
She diverts her eyes at the last moment, but the trembling of her hands and throbbing of her chest give away her true intentions.
Don't think ill of me for my impudence, fair lady.
I caught a glimpse of your beauty before and it has been dominating my every thought ever since.
I know I'm unique, hard to find someone like me.
But you aren't quite mundane yourself, babe. Even though... you remind me of someone... is it possible we already met before?
Nonsense! Who would badmouth such a precious little flower?
Wait... I remember now. How are you... no, don't tell me. I don't care. I've suffered a lot, you know? And now being here with you feels right. Can... can you forgive me for what I did to you? I know I said some terrible things...
Yes! Yes, I do!
I was wrong, you know? I've seen my mistakes now.
Thank you. Thank you, baby. I hope you will forgive me, because I most definitely won't.
...
Do you hear this galloping, my queen? Someone's coming for me.
...
A white knight in shining armor. The full plate covers in white every inch of his body.
Who are you, knight? And what do you want from me?
Leave us alone, this young princess no longer cares about you. She wants me now.
Oh, who am I kidding? I know you won't accept his rejection without a fight. I know I wouldn't.
She watches me from afar, feigning disinterest.
She diverts her eyes at the last moment, but the trembling of her hands and throbbing of her chest give away her true intentions.
Don't think ill of me for my impudence, fair lady.
I caught a glimpse of your beauty before and it has been dominating my every thought ever since.
I know I'm unique, hard to find someone like me.
But you aren't quite mundane yourself, babe. Even though... you remind me of someone... is it possible we already met before?
Nonsense! Who would badmouth such a precious little flower?
Wait... I remember now. How are you... no, don't tell me. I don't care. I've suffered a lot, you know? And now being here with you feels right. Can... can you forgive me for what I did to you? I know I said some terrible things...
Yes! Yes, I do!
I was wrong, you know? I've seen my mistakes now.
Thank you. Thank you, baby. I hope you will forgive me, because I most definitely won't.
...
Do you hear this galloping, my queen? Someone's coming for me.
...
A white knight in shining armor. The full plate covers in white every inch of his body.
Who are you, knight? And what do you want from me?
Leave us alone, this young princess no longer cares about you. She wants me now.
Oh, who am I kidding? I know you won't accept his rejection without a fight. I know I wouldn't.
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