I'm here waiting on the inevitable, "shit I have no more good weapons" light crossbow vs. Crucible Knight Ordovis fight.
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Completed Porky's Ring: a Squire's Road to Greatness [SL1]
- Thread starter NJClaw
- Start date
I'm here waiting on the inevitable, "shit I have no more good weapons" light crossbow vs. Crucible Knight Ordovis fight.
It's too bad there are so many weapons in Elden Ring, so I don't know that there's actually any risk of this, but a "I have no more weapons at all" bone darts and fire bombs vs. Maliketh fight might be pretty entertaining. Well... for everyone else. 
13 - Pick your poison
Killing the poor librarian dog was rough, better to go back to easier tasks for a while. After all, my subjects don't know any better, they need my help.
This poor smithcel right here has been blackpilled to death. Maybe if you weren't uglymaxxing so much you could find someone. You need some savoir-faire to hook up, you know? Maybe I can teach you some of my moves.
Holy shit dude, that's disgusting. You need to wash your balls once in a while. I know they're hard to find without the right instrumentation, but you need to try. Just do like me and try to wash them once or twice a year, and you'll be good to go.
No, listen, I don't need anything. Maybe we can just be friends?
Oh my God, woman. Meeting your parents? I've barely seen your feet, it's definitely too soon for that.
Look at this lifeless nerd. Wasting all his days reading guides to cheat against all his opponents. These are the sad ways lesser men have to adopt to compete with skilled warriors such as myself.
You can DO WHAT? How dare you suggest I might need SPELLS to face my enemies? You will pay for your insolence, get on your knees!
Oh no, what have you done? Listen, man. I know she angered you, but you can't just crush her head with a stone only because... wait, WHAT did she do? She asked you to do the dishes? I see, you had no choice. I will help you, man. We will find a way to get you out of this mess.
You need to lay low for a while. Just wait for me at the clinic while I go take care of my destiny. It's time for the evil wizard to face his punishment.
...
With the familiar defeated, I can finally access the heart of the magic castle. I don't know what I will find, but I'm sure the evil wizard's depravities will exceed even my worst expectations. His sick infatuation for the young witch led him down a dark path, and only in death he will now find peace from his sins.
But wait... who is this woman? She can't be the young witch, and she certainly doesn't look like the wizard. I'm sorry, madam, there must have been a misunderstanding. I didn't want to hurt your dog, I'm sorry. Hey, get away from me... no, I WON'T adopt all your kids... I said stay away!
Women... they only understand one thing. A good pickaxe to the face.
This poor smithcel right here has been blackpilled to death. Maybe if you weren't uglymaxxing so much you could find someone. You need some savoir-faire to hook up, you know? Maybe I can teach you some of my moves.
Holy shit dude, that's disgusting. You need to wash your balls once in a while. I know they're hard to find without the right instrumentation, but you need to try. Just do like me and try to wash them once or twice a year, and you'll be good to go.
No, listen, I don't need anything. Maybe we can just be friends?
Oh my God, woman. Meeting your parents? I've barely seen your feet, it's definitely too soon for that.
Look at this lifeless nerd. Wasting all his days reading guides to cheat against all his opponents. These are the sad ways lesser men have to adopt to compete with skilled warriors such as myself.
You can DO WHAT? How dare you suggest I might need SPELLS to face my enemies? You will pay for your insolence, get on your knees!
Oh no, what have you done? Listen, man. I know she angered you, but you can't just crush her head with a stone only because... wait, WHAT did she do? She asked you to do the dishes? I see, you had no choice. I will help you, man. We will find a way to get you out of this mess.
You need to lay low for a while. Just wait for me at the clinic while I go take care of my destiny. It's time for the evil wizard to face his punishment.
...
With the familiar defeated, I can finally access the heart of the magic castle. I don't know what I will find, but I'm sure the evil wizard's depravities will exceed even my worst expectations. His sick infatuation for the young witch led him down a dark path, and only in death he will now find peace from his sins.
But wait... who is this woman? She can't be the young witch, and she certainly doesn't look like the wizard. I'm sorry, madam, there must have been a misunderstanding. I didn't want to hurt your dog, I'm sorry. Hey, get away from me... no, I WON'T adopt all your kids... I said stay away!
Women... they only understand one thing. A good pickaxe to the face.
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I've never noticed it this way while playing, but there's something really messed up about slamming a heavy mining pick into a crippled woman who can't even stand up and her similarly crippled children. It's like a psychopath training module. 
The best part about it is that it's completely optional and unrelated to your journey. If you go there and slaughter the entire academy to get to her and her children, you're basically doing it only for your own pleasure. You need two great runes to progress, and taking them from Godrick, Radahn, or Rykard is at least somewhat justified, since they're all hopeless psychos. FS really went all in on the "why are you doing all this" with Rennala, but it's still miles behind Maiden Astraea and Queelag's Sister.I've never noticed it this way while playing, but there's something really messed up about slamming a heavy mining pick into a crippled woman who can't even stand up and her similarly crippled children. It's like a psychopath training module.
The best part about it is that it's completely optional and unrelated to your journey. If you go there and slaughter the entire academy to get to her and her children, you're basically doing it only for your own pleasure. You need two great runes to progress, and taking them from Godrick, Radahn, or Rykard is at least somewhat justified, since they're all hopeless psychos. FS really went all in on the "why are you doing all this" with Rennala, but it's still miles behind Maiden Astraea and Queelag's Sister.I've never noticed it this way while playing, but there's something really messed up about slamming a heavy mining pick into a crippled woman who can't even stand up and her similarly crippled children. It's like a psychopath training module.
Yeah, Astraea was pretty sick, but also very thematic since you were becoming demonic with all the soul absorption.
Andnjord
Arcane
She's not crippled, just missing a few marbles...oh god, it's even worse, isn't it?
Doesn't change the fact that it's still hilarious to send her flying in the air with Stamp (Upward Cut) though. It's only an illusion you're doing that to, so it's okay, right? Right?
14 - Eggs
Oh God... what have I done? I thought I was clearing the evil wizard's fortress, but his devious sorceries tricked me once again. This poor woman's and all of her children's blood is on your hands, wizard. I will find you, and I will burn your black heart to a crisp.
...
Good blacksmith, do you know where I can find the evil wizard?
No, I don't have time to hear about your love problems. However, I'm happy to know you are barfing up that black pill.
Dude, I get it. You want to find her and see your kids, but you should try to move on. Also, why is everyone so obsessed with women and simpery all of a sudden? Ah, forget it. I have an undead wizard to slay.
Oh, not this again... YOU NEED TO LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE, WOMAN! Besides, a grown woman? There's more body fat in one of my fingers than in your entire body.
Old man, I don't have time for your secondary quest...
... and why does everything have to be about sex? I've had enough of this shit!
...
Excuse me, good sir. Yes, you. I need help with my quest. May I ask who am I speaking to?
I see. You too have an ancient Rusty artifact. Does it say anything about my quest?
Enigmatic as always. But wait a minute, why are all the birds flocking towards that castle up north? I think I solved this riddle... time to siege another fortress!
...
After hours spent dispelling numerous sorceries and tricks, I feel like I'm getting closer and closer to the source of the evils that plague these lands, the mad wizard's lair.
Suddenly, the air becomes dense. I know this feeling, another one of the wizard's minions is coming for me.
...
Good blacksmith, do you know where I can find the evil wizard?
No, I don't have time to hear about your love problems. However, I'm happy to know you are barfing up that black pill.
Dude, I get it. You want to find her and see your kids, but you should try to move on. Also, why is everyone so obsessed with women and simpery all of a sudden? Ah, forget it. I have an undead wizard to slay.
Oh, not this again... YOU NEED TO LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE, WOMAN! Besides, a grown woman? There's more body fat in one of my fingers than in your entire body.
Old man, I don't have time for your secondary quest...
... and why does everything have to be about sex? I've had enough of this shit!
...
Excuse me, good sir. Yes, you. I need help with my quest. May I ask who am I speaking to?
I see. You too have an ancient Rusty artifact. Does it say anything about my quest?
Enigmatic as always. But wait a minute, why are all the birds flocking towards that castle up north? I think I solved this riddle... time to siege another fortress!
...
After hours spent dispelling numerous sorceries and tricks, I feel like I'm getting closer and closer to the source of the evils that plague these lands, the mad wizard's lair.
Suddenly, the air becomes dense. I know this feeling, another one of the wizard's minions is coming for me.
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Lithium Flower
Arcane
- Joined
- Nov 29, 2016
- Messages
- 1,832
The meta-narrative is incredibly cathartic and the subtle thread of delusion and cluster B traits ties everything together perfectly. My psychiatrist suggested that instead of responding to him in the ER thread I follow this playthrough, and that has really helped me focus on my daily tasks and chores more. Thank you for this. I imagine you smelling clean and sweet, like vanilla ice cream.
15 - The Lands of the Shouting Receptacle
Just like her master, this sod minion was nothing more than a laughing stock. She posed as a knight, but relied on magic like a weakling. I did her a favor by putting an end to her shameful existence.
With the umpteenth obstacle egregiously surpassed, I finally reach the tower where the evil lich is keeping the young witch as his prisoner and slave.
I knew you were English, but what the actual fuck are you even saying?
Young lass, it's already hard for me to understand your kind. Can't you speak like a regular human being?
Ok, I give up. I should just accept that grasping certain things is well beyond my capabilities. But fret not, I will do my best to free you from the wicked hands that have been holding you captive for so long. Just tell me where I can find him, and I will rid the world of his rotten stench.
...
The young witch told me of an obscure prophecy. As usual, I didn't understand every word, but I think I got the gist of it. Roughly northeast of here, there's an ancient, hidden realm, commonly referred to as the "Shouting Lands" or "Lands of the Shouting Receptacle". If the legends are true, a hero of the past defeated the reviled lich and banned him from those lands, so that everyone could live in happiness and freedom. The evil wizard managed to survive and fled, and the hero is now too old and weak to face his nemesis again. If only I could find him, he could teach me how to banish the wizard once and for all.
...
After days of horse riding with our faithful L, we finally reach the only known elevator that leads to the fabled Shouting Lands.
Its stony guardians, however, deny me passage. Their ruling is brutal and absolute: I must wait a full year on my knees praying to them, or I must pay a hefty sum of diamonds. I don't have this kind of time, and I certainly don't have the money. For a while, I sit idle in despair, but then I remember: there is someone who can help me. Someone who used to rule the Shouting Lands with an iron fist. The forgotten Eastern Kings, former rulers of the Shouting Lands, now exiled by the wizard himself to their native country.
I know what I must do, and I know where I must go. The sole thought of it could crush a man, but only I can save the young witch.
I must find the Eastern Kings.
I must go to the most dangerous place on Earth.
With the umpteenth obstacle egregiously surpassed, I finally reach the tower where the evil lich is keeping the young witch as his prisoner and slave.
I knew you were English, but what the actual fuck are you even saying?
Young lass, it's already hard for me to understand your kind. Can't you speak like a regular human being?
Ok, I give up. I should just accept that grasping certain things is well beyond my capabilities. But fret not, I will do my best to free you from the wicked hands that have been holding you captive for so long. Just tell me where I can find him, and I will rid the world of his rotten stench.
...
The young witch told me of an obscure prophecy. As usual, I didn't understand every word, but I think I got the gist of it. Roughly northeast of here, there's an ancient, hidden realm, commonly referred to as the "Shouting Lands" or "Lands of the Shouting Receptacle". If the legends are true, a hero of the past defeated the reviled lich and banned him from those lands, so that everyone could live in happiness and freedom. The evil wizard managed to survive and fled, and the hero is now too old and weak to face his nemesis again. If only I could find him, he could teach me how to banish the wizard once and for all.
...
After days of horse riding with our faithful L, we finally reach the only known elevator that leads to the fabled Shouting Lands.
Its stony guardians, however, deny me passage. Their ruling is brutal and absolute: I must wait a full year on my knees praying to them, or I must pay a hefty sum of diamonds. I don't have this kind of time, and I certainly don't have the money. For a while, I sit idle in despair, but then I remember: there is someone who can help me. Someone who used to rule the Shouting Lands with an iron fist. The forgotten Eastern Kings, former rulers of the Shouting Lands, now exiled by the wizard himself to their native country.
I know what I must do, and I know where I must go. The sole thought of it could crush a man, but only I can save the young witch.
I must find the Eastern Kings.
I must go to the most dangerous place on Earth.
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Sorry for the story-only update, but this was such a pivotal point for the main plot that I couldn't dilute it with more content to reach a boss.
16 - The Eastern Kings and the needle
For days I've been scouring these inhospitable, desert lands in search of the only ones who can help me, when I finally see it:
The legendary Fortress Library, home of the youngest Eastern King, the Goodest of Boys. Once a respected, avid book collector, notorious for his knowledge of exotic concoctions and libations. Now just a shadow of his former self, consumed by his perverted and unspeakable passions:
I don't know what I expected to find, but in this empty beast there's nothing left. Nothing remains of the brilliant, ever-sipping Goodest of Boys. It pains me to act as judge and executioner, but your time has come. You will no longer shame your former name, foul beast.
From his chain, I recover a magical trinket:
A memorabilia of a forgotten warrior of the Shouting Lands that predates even the Eastern Kings. Simply carrying a trinket of such a powerful hero noticeably increases my strength, allowing me to smite my enemies with even greater might.
...
Trying to reason with the Mad Librarian was a hopeless endeavor, but maybe I will have more luck with my next target.
Here I stand in front of the lair of the most devious one of the Eastern Kings, the Dark Rat Lord. For years he posed as a friend of the people, gaining their trust and respect. But his was merely a charade, and soon enough he revealed his true face. He betrayed his brothers and allied himself to the Dark Lord of the Underworld, becoming one of his spectral servants.
But his fortress looks empty, and only when I get my hands on another magical anal bead, his ghostly fangs materialize right next to my face. There's no time to think, if I want to survive I need to fight!
The fight is intense, as the Rat Lord devoted his cursed eternity to studying the blade. However, the same is true for me, and in the end the cursed rat is no more:
With the wraith gone, now only the oldest Eastern King remains. The Jolly Storyteller, better known as the Perfidious Pole. A lover of stars and crafts, but most of all a lover of stories. He is, however, nowhere to be found, probably riding into the unknown on his spectral steed.
Having lost all hopes, I end up wandering aimlessly through these barren lands. The realization of my failures is starting to make the air too heavy to breathe, when a soft voice calls me from afar. In dire need of guidance, I follow the voice without questioning it, finally reaching an unassuming shack.
A sketchy old man tells me he can show me the way to the Shouting Lands, but he asks for something in return. He says the task is simple, but it starts with a needle. He will tell me the rest after I bring him what he needs, but it can't be ANY needle. He wants a pure and sterilized one, guarded by a mad astronomer. This old man is my only hope, and without negotiating I get ready to face my next foe.
The legendary Fortress Library, home of the youngest Eastern King, the Goodest of Boys. Once a respected, avid book collector, notorious for his knowledge of exotic concoctions and libations. Now just a shadow of his former self, consumed by his perverted and unspeakable passions:
I don't know what I expected to find, but in this empty beast there's nothing left. Nothing remains of the brilliant, ever-sipping Goodest of Boys. It pains me to act as judge and executioner, but your time has come. You will no longer shame your former name, foul beast.
From his chain, I recover a magical trinket:
A memorabilia of a forgotten warrior of the Shouting Lands that predates even the Eastern Kings. Simply carrying a trinket of such a powerful hero noticeably increases my strength, allowing me to smite my enemies with even greater might.
...
Trying to reason with the Mad Librarian was a hopeless endeavor, but maybe I will have more luck with my next target.
Here I stand in front of the lair of the most devious one of the Eastern Kings, the Dark Rat Lord. For years he posed as a friend of the people, gaining their trust and respect. But his was merely a charade, and soon enough he revealed his true face. He betrayed his brothers and allied himself to the Dark Lord of the Underworld, becoming one of his spectral servants.
But his fortress looks empty, and only when I get my hands on another magical anal bead, his ghostly fangs materialize right next to my face. There's no time to think, if I want to survive I need to fight!
The fight is intense, as the Rat Lord devoted his cursed eternity to studying the blade. However, the same is true for me, and in the end the cursed rat is no more:
With the wraith gone, now only the oldest Eastern King remains. The Jolly Storyteller, better known as the Perfidious Pole. A lover of stars and crafts, but most of all a lover of stories. He is, however, nowhere to be found, probably riding into the unknown on his spectral steed.
Having lost all hopes, I end up wandering aimlessly through these barren lands. The realization of my failures is starting to make the air too heavy to breathe, when a soft voice calls me from afar. In dire need of guidance, I follow the voice without questioning it, finally reaching an unassuming shack.
A sketchy old man tells me he can show me the way to the Shouting Lands, but he asks for something in return. He says the task is simple, but it starts with a needle. He will tell me the rest after I bring him what he needs, but it can't be ANY needle. He wants a pure and sterilized one, guarded by a mad astronomer. This old man is my only hope, and without negotiating I get ready to face my next foe.
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It started as a joke, but I'm thinking about looking for a RL publisher for this.Ah, an exquisite exhibition of extraordinary excellence as well as a delicious demonstration of deep delving into the game's lore.
Just one thing.
Is Porky's Ring a reference to his perpetually aching anus?
17 - Of femininity and strength
Bonus failed first attempt:
With the sterilized needle finally in his hands, the sketchy old man explains us his plan:
Oh, you just want me to heal a poor, sick girl. But why did you stress the word "girl" so much?
Tell me, old man, from what does she need to heal?
A rotting sickness, you say. But why did you use a different pronoun for a moment?
Wait... what medicines does she need to take?
...
Estrogens? Why would she need to take... oh, I see.
I don't get it, old man. Why does this boy need my help to take hormones?
WHAT?! ARE YOU INSANE? You want me to give him estrogens behind his back? What kind of sick monster would do that? That's immoral, no righteous knight would ever do anything like it. But if this is the only way to get to the Shouting Lands... what's a boy's life compared to the defeat of the evil wizard?
I will do it, you perverted creature. I will force estrogens down his unsuspecting throat.
...
I find the boy in no time. His story is full of sadness, and it's one that I can easily sympathize with. He has been bullied for his entire life. If not for his weight, for his hair or looks.
I see how switching sides would benefit him, but is it really worth it? Doesn't matter, my quest is of the utmost importance and I will stop at nothing.
I grab the hormones and needle, and the deed is just as quick as it is vile.
...
I'm happy to see you feel better, young girl. A new world stands before you, just be careful.
I then ask her what name she chose for herself, and after a long back-and-forth she settles for something unpronounceable for my fat, lisp lips:
I'm happy to see you heeded my advice, this new name suits you better than the empress' one you chose before.
Having completed my quest, I go back to the old man's shack to get my reward, but the hellish creature finally reveals his trickery. You don't know how to get me to the Shouting Lands, do you? This was all for nothing. Tell me, why shouldn't I end your life?
As always, everything revolves around sex with people like you. You make me sick, you disgusting beast. Get out of my sight and never come back.
...
Having been tricked once again, I only have one choice now. I need to find the old legendary hero who kept the peace in the Shouting Lands before the Eastern Kings came. Nobody has seen him in years, but word is he went mad and got lost in an endless desert wasteland. He is the strongest mortal who ever lived, with arms so big and powerful even the very gods are scared of him. Defeating him will definitely grab the gods' attention, and then they will no longer deny me access to the Shouting Lands.
Oh, you just want me to heal a poor, sick girl. But why did you stress the word "girl" so much?
Tell me, old man, from what does she need to heal?
A rotting sickness, you say. But why did you use a different pronoun for a moment?
Wait... what medicines does she need to take?
...
Estrogens? Why would she need to take... oh, I see.
I don't get it, old man. Why does this boy need my help to take hormones?
WHAT?! ARE YOU INSANE? You want me to give him estrogens behind his back? What kind of sick monster would do that? That's immoral, no righteous knight would ever do anything like it. But if this is the only way to get to the Shouting Lands... what's a boy's life compared to the defeat of the evil wizard?
I will do it, you perverted creature. I will force estrogens down his unsuspecting throat.
...
I find the boy in no time. His story is full of sadness, and it's one that I can easily sympathize with. He has been bullied for his entire life. If not for his weight, for his hair or looks.
I see how switching sides would benefit him, but is it really worth it? Doesn't matter, my quest is of the utmost importance and I will stop at nothing.
I grab the hormones and needle, and the deed is just as quick as it is vile.
...
I'm happy to see you feel better, young girl. A new world stands before you, just be careful.
I then ask her what name she chose for herself, and after a long back-and-forth she settles for something unpronounceable for my fat, lisp lips:
I'm happy to see you heeded my advice, this new name suits you better than the empress' one you chose before.
Having completed my quest, I go back to the old man's shack to get my reward, but the hellish creature finally reveals his trickery. You don't know how to get me to the Shouting Lands, do you? This was all for nothing. Tell me, why shouldn't I end your life?
As always, everything revolves around sex with people like you. You make me sick, you disgusting beast. Get out of my sight and never come back.
...
Having been tricked once again, I only have one choice now. I need to find the old legendary hero who kept the peace in the Shouting Lands before the Eastern Kings came. Nobody has seen him in years, but word is he went mad and got lost in an endless desert wasteland. He is the strongest mortal who ever lived, with arms so big and powerful even the very gods are scared of him. Defeating him will definitely grab the gods' attention, and then they will no longer deny me access to the Shouting Lands.
Bonus failed first attempt:
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Andnjord
Arcane
How dare you! Millicent is one of my favourite NPCs in the game, it's not her fault her mommy gave her a hereditary STD 
EDIT: Elden Ring is really a gold mine for taking quotes out of context though, isn't it?
EDIT: Elden Ring is really a gold mine for taking quotes out of context though, isn't it?
If Miyazaki didn't want me to kill her, he shouldn't have given her a drop that gives +5 Dexterity.
I still laugh on a daily basis thinking about the "ER quotes that you can use in bed" post. Basically every line works:
18 - The Duke strikes once more
Having spilled the blood of the ancient hero, we have definitely captured the gods' attention. It's now only a matter of days before they decide to grant us audience.
More expedite than the gods, however, are our enemies' messengers.
An evil cleric, devoted to the mad cult of the despised Duke, blocks our path. Drop your false pretenses, wicked priest, your tortoiseous form betrays your allegiance.
Following the example of his master, he tries to weasel himself out of my anger with words. You can cry all you want, foul beast, I won't forgive the evils of your patron. I have to put an end to his obsession with me, and I will start with you.
Nice try, but I already know everything I need. I always do. Face my wrath!
Taste my steel!
We'll see! We'll see!
...
...
...
Fuck it, I've been hacking away at this guy's health for who knows how long now... I'm starting to feel tired.
I can't keep going on like this or I'll need another insulin shot.
Fine, I will let you live for now. But get lost and don't tempt your luck again. Next time I won't be so forgiving.
...
It's time to set up camp, when... oh no! The men of the vile Duke found us! My benevolent spirit betrayed me once again!
More expedite than the gods, however, are our enemies' messengers.
An evil cleric, devoted to the mad cult of the despised Duke, blocks our path. Drop your false pretenses, wicked priest, your tortoiseous form betrays your allegiance.
Following the example of his master, he tries to weasel himself out of my anger with words. You can cry all you want, foul beast, I won't forgive the evils of your patron. I have to put an end to his obsession with me, and I will start with you.
Nice try, but I already know everything I need. I always do. Face my wrath!
Taste my steel!
We'll see! We'll see!
...
...
...
Fuck it, I've been hacking away at this guy's health for who knows how long now... I'm starting to feel tired.
I can't keep going on like this or I'll need another insulin shot.
Fine, I will let you live for now. But get lost and don't tempt your luck again. Next time I won't be so forgiving.
...
It's time to set up camp, when... oh no! The men of the vile Duke found us! My benevolent spirit betrayed me once again!
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Jrpgfan
Erudite
- Joined
- Feb 7, 2016
- Messages
- 2,126
18 - The Duke strikes once more
Having spilled the blood of the ancient hero, we have definitely captured the gods' attention. It's now only a matter of days before they decide to grant us audience.
More expedite than the gods, however, are our enemies' messengers.
An evil cleric, devoted to the mad cult of the despised Duke, blocks our path. Drop your false pretenses, wicked priest, your tortoiseous form betrays your allegiance.
Following the example of his master, he tries to weasel himself out of my anger with words. You can cry all you want, foul beast, I won't forgive the evils of your patron. I have to put an end to his obsession with me, and I will start with you.
Nice try, but I already know everything I need. I always do. Face my wrath!
Taste my steel!
We'll see! We'll see!
...
...
...
Fuck it, I've been hacking away at this guy's health for who knows how long now... I'm starting to feel tired.
I can't keep going on like this or I'll need another insulin shot.
Fine, I will let you live for now. But get lost and don't tempt your luck again. Next time I won't be so forgiving.
...
It's time to set up camp, when... oh no! The men of the vile Duke found us! My benevolent spirit betrayed me once again!
19 - Filler episode II
This wait is killing me, but it's a known fact the gods are slow and unreliable with their decisions. I can't just sit idle doing nothing: with the amount of cookies I consume everyday, I would become a giant fatty ball in the blink of an eye.
To stay in shape, I can try gardening. It's fun and honest, but wait... why is that plant moving towards me? And why is it wielding a giant hammer?
Something is poisoning these lands, plants don't become giant hammer-wielding fat-asses on their own. I need to explore its underground, and this means I have to deal with fucking insects, trolls, and all kinds of weirs animals.
And in the end I finally find out who is poisoning these lands: a terrifying drug addict, who ate so much meth he become a crystal himself and is now osmotically drugging everything around him.
I'm lucky I decided to stay in shape, because the evil lich never rests, and already sent a new minion after me:
After all this physical activity, it feels good to look at yourself in the mirror. God, I look incredible. But, like in my worst nightmares, the figure in the mirror slowly changes its shape, becoming e distorted version of myself. A moment later, a weird blob crawls out of the glass, brandishing his flaccid penis against me. I didn't think this would ever happen, but I'm facing an alternative version of me who didn't exercise enough and ate one too many times at Taco Bell.
This wait is killing me, but it's a known fact the gods are slow and unreliable with their decisions. I can't just sit idle doing nothing: with the amount of cookies I consume everyday, I would become a giant fatty ball in the blink of an eye.
To stay in shape, I can try gardening. It's fun and honest, but wait... why is that plant moving towards me? And why is it wielding a giant hammer?
Something is poisoning these lands, plants don't become giant hammer-wielding fat-asses on their own. I need to explore its underground, and this means I have to deal with fucking insects, trolls, and all kinds of weirs animals.
And in the end I finally find out who is poisoning these lands: a terrifying drug addict, who ate so much meth he become a crystal himself and is now osmotically drugging everything around him.
I'm lucky I decided to stay in shape, because the evil lich never rests, and already sent a new minion after me:
After all this physical activity, it feels good to look at yourself in the mirror. God, I look incredible. But, like in my worst nightmares, the figure in the mirror slowly changes its shape, becoming e distorted version of myself. A moment later, a weird blob crawls out of the glass, brandishing his flaccid penis against me. I didn't think this would ever happen, but I'm facing an alternative version of me who didn't exercise enough and ate one too many times at Taco Bell.
Andnjord
Arcane
Which boss has killed the Porkster the most so far? And how many times?
I don't remember how many times I died to the first Tree Sentinel, probably three or four. Then I died once to Radahn and Flying Dragon Agheel (I also came very close to dying to Rennala because I couldn't find the sparkly kid and got impatient). Unless I'm forgetting some random death, all the other videos are this playthrough's first try. I'm quite comfortable with everything up to Morgott, so I don't count on dying to a boss until I reach the Forgotten Lands.
Andnjord
Arcane
That's what we would have called a Pinwheel moment
20 - Innocent hunting: the Master of Elegant Hats
Despite the long wait, our heroic feat didn't go unnoticed, and the gods finally decided to grant us audience. Unwilling to leave their home, they sent their lowest representative:
Her voice is weirdly stern and foreign, but I know how to treat women: I will dissimulate a strong refusal to throw her off her feet.
...
After hours of back and forth, she renews the invitation to serve their kind and opens up a little: being the only female god of the bunch, she sometimes fears her peers and even her followers don't respect her much. Don't worry, this knight knows his place and will respect you more than you'll ever need.
Bring me to your master, I will make you proud.
In an instant, the small, kraut-looking goddess magically teleports us to the Hidden Sanctuary, the gods' palace. I can see them all around me. They look like regular mortals, but their posture and attitude betray their otherworldly power.
The calmest of the figures signals me to get closer. His androgynous looks are making me uncomfortable, but I can't show my weakness now.
He proposes an accord: they will grant me access to the Shouting Lands, but only if I agree to take care of a group of problematic heretics who are trying to undermine the authority of the very gods. The gods' will is notoriously unreliable, but I don't have a choice. I will hunt these heretics down, if that's what it takes to defeat the evil wizard.
...
I immediately begin my quest and start following the tracks of my first target. According to the gods' intel, he is one of the most active and dangerous members of the heretics' cult. He distrusts and despises the gods, never missing a chance to disparage them and their actions. He is known as the Master of Elegant Hats, and only thinking about facing him sends shivers down my spine.
...
Guided by the all-knowing gods' favor, I reach his hideout in less than a day. He was waiting for me, and won't go down without a fight. He respectfully tips his distinctive elegant hat and greets me with a weird accent. He probably shares the kraut-looking goddess' origins. But I'm not here to make friends, I'm here to appease the gods.
He fights valiantly, but with the gods' blessing guiding my sword I am unbeatable. Even in death, he stays true to his ideals, spitting on the gods and tipping his elegant hat one last time.
I killed an innocent man today. Such is the path one must walk to win the gods' love.
...
Having desecrated the corpse as the gods asked, loud music in the distance grabs my attention. I follow the terrible cacophony and find a place of unspeakable revelries in an indecent state.
I can't hear anything over the loud music, everything is covered in vomit, and the stench is unbearable. At first I'm disoriented, but I quickly realize this can only be the place where the bastards who tricked and ambushed me are having their private party.
I know I'm killing in the name of the gods now, but this doesn't mean I can't take care of my own enemies. Trudging through the filth, I make my way to the VIP area. It's time to take revenge on everyone who ever bullied me.
Her voice is weirdly stern and foreign, but I know how to treat women: I will dissimulate a strong refusal to throw her off her feet.
...
After hours of back and forth, she renews the invitation to serve their kind and opens up a little: being the only female god of the bunch, she sometimes fears her peers and even her followers don't respect her much. Don't worry, this knight knows his place and will respect you more than you'll ever need.
Bring me to your master, I will make you proud.
In an instant, the small, kraut-looking goddess magically teleports us to the Hidden Sanctuary, the gods' palace. I can see them all around me. They look like regular mortals, but their posture and attitude betray their otherworldly power.
The calmest of the figures signals me to get closer. His androgynous looks are making me uncomfortable, but I can't show my weakness now.
He proposes an accord: they will grant me access to the Shouting Lands, but only if I agree to take care of a group of problematic heretics who are trying to undermine the authority of the very gods. The gods' will is notoriously unreliable, but I don't have a choice. I will hunt these heretics down, if that's what it takes to defeat the evil wizard.
...
I immediately begin my quest and start following the tracks of my first target. According to the gods' intel, he is one of the most active and dangerous members of the heretics' cult. He distrusts and despises the gods, never missing a chance to disparage them and their actions. He is known as the Master of Elegant Hats, and only thinking about facing him sends shivers down my spine.
...
Guided by the all-knowing gods' favor, I reach his hideout in less than a day. He was waiting for me, and won't go down without a fight. He respectfully tips his distinctive elegant hat and greets me with a weird accent. He probably shares the kraut-looking goddess' origins. But I'm not here to make friends, I'm here to appease the gods.
He fights valiantly, but with the gods' blessing guiding my sword I am unbeatable. Even in death, he stays true to his ideals, spitting on the gods and tipping his elegant hat one last time.
I killed an innocent man today. Such is the path one must walk to win the gods' love.
...
Having desecrated the corpse as the gods asked, loud music in the distance grabs my attention. I follow the terrible cacophony and find a place of unspeakable revelries in an indecent state.
I can't hear anything over the loud music, everything is covered in vomit, and the stench is unbearable. At first I'm disoriented, but I quickly realize this can only be the place where the bastards who tricked and ambushed me are having their private party.
I know I'm killing in the name of the gods now, but this doesn't mean I can't take care of my own enemies. Trudging through the filth, I make my way to the VIP area. It's time to take revenge on everyone who ever bullied me.
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Andnjord
Arcane
I still can't believe how much trouble I had with that guy the first time I met him. The way he scrambles his moveset was so offputting the first few times and getting a safe drink in the middle of the fight can be very difficult.
Nice work
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