Completed Porky's Ring: a Squire's Road to Greatness [SL1]

[NJClaw]

I still can't believe how much trouble I had with that guy the first time I met him. The way he scrambles his moveset was so offputting the first few times and getting a safe drink in the middle of the fight can be very difficult.

On my first playthrough I almost died to him, but, having cleared Caelid and most of the underground areas before reaching Altus Plateau, I was so overleveled that I managed to take him down without dodging a single one of his attacks. He is weak to pierce damage, so 4-5 (claymore's) charged R2s were enough to take him down.

 

[Andnjord]

I still can't believe how much trouble I had with that guy the first time I met him. The way he scrambles his moveset was so offputting the first few times and getting a safe drink in the middle of the fight can be very difficult.

On my first playthrough I almost died to him, but, having cleared Caelid and most of the underground areas before reaching Altus Plateau, I was so overleveled that I managed to take him down without dodging a single one of his attacks. He is weak to pierce damage, so 4-5 charged R2s were enough to take him down.

I had been kinda traumatized by the doggos in Caelid and thus had taken the path of least resistance through Liurnia straight onto Altus Plateau then Shaded Castle. Most of is dungeon is pretty easy (zombies and casters, pah!) so I didn't realise I was underleveled as hell for him until it was too late and I was too invested in killing him. It took an...uncomfortable amount of time :D

Didn't know about his piercing weakness though.

 

[NJClaw]

21 - Innocent hunting: the Manynamed

Spoiler

If only those jocks had studied the blade, they wouldn't lie dead in their vomit and blood. Justice is served, but I've got no time to dwell on it and savor my revenge. With the Master of Elegant Hats dead, the gods' mark now guides me towards my next target.

The path brings me close to the Duke's domain, I must be careful. While scouting for potential dangers, a familiar voice calls to me:

I'm glad to hear you're fine, young lady, but I don't really care about your so-called "journey". I already helped you as much as I could, now I'd be happy to see us take different roads and never meet again.

First of all, I'm not comfortable with you referring to your penis as a "sword arm". Secondly, you should have thought about it sooner. Let's make a deal: I give you a suitable... gods forgive me... "sword arm", and you leave me alone forever. Deal?

Here, take this. Seriously, I don't need it. I have plenty more of those things. Besides, I've moved on to more enjoyable tools and I can barely feel this one when I use it.

Good for you, just never bother me again.

...

With the young girl "armed" once more, I get back on the road. A road that can only lead to more death.

In no time, heavenly lights signal me that the prey is near. It's a creature I've never seen before, but his way of speaking betrays his true nature. I see you've taken a new body, but your appearances fool no one, disgusting Manyforms. This time you even chose a new name, it seems you're as liberal with those as you are with your shapes. If you are the one the gods sent me to kill, then their goals can't be that bad.

 

[NJClaw]

Andnjord you can add the Godskin Apostle to the list of bosses that killed me once. I tried to parry him with arrogance despite never having used a parry against him, and I feel like he is one of the hardest bosses to parry in the game. His attacks are so fast it's borderline impossible to react in time. Not wanting to waste rune arcs, I immediately switched to a more reliable strategy. I also realized that, by running through most areas and picking up only the items on the main paths, I skipped most of the rune arcs, which means I can't make many mistakes if I want to keep Godrick's rune active. And I don't know how many weapons I have left that I can use without it... maybe I will have to resort to crossbows after all.

I think it's interesting the Apostle is almost impossible to parry, considering that the Noble is incredibly weak to parries.

 

[NJClaw]

22 - An even jaggeder alliance

Spoiler

The Manyforms lies once again dead at our feet, surely already ready to kneel before the gods and ask for forgiveness and the umpteenth chance, when a familiar voice draws my attention.

Oh for fuck's sake, not you again. I know that's a good "sword arm", I enjoyed it myself multiple times.

But it isn't your own, remember?

...

Listen, I don't care. Do what you want, just leave me alone once and for all. I'm sick of you harassing me. I already have to deal with plenty of sick bastards obsessed with me, and I won't tolerate another one of you. Leave at once, or you'll see the true face of my anger. I know what you want to ask, I can already tell you the answer is "no, I won't have sex with you".

Again with these pathetic sexual metaphors! Enough! You stared thirstily at my crotch for the last time, wench! Ready your sword! No... not that "sword", the real one! En garde!

You could have figured it out, if only you weren't so intent on dreaming about molesting me all the time.

...

I still haven't finished cleaning the blood of my last target off the blade that the gods' mark highlights the path to the next sacrifice. This time, the mark leads directly into Banville's heart, the capital where the Duke himself is plotting his diabolical revenge.

While traversing the countryside, a ragged old man stops me and challenges me to a duel. Wait... haven't I killed you before? I don't really care who you are, there are more urgent matters I have to take care of.

Why do these inferior beings have to keep trying their luck with a valiant knight like me? Don't they know they stand no chance?

...

I've almost reached Banville itself, when a familiar, yet alien, figure steps in between my devoted horse and the city's doors. This can't be true... I've seen you perish under my club's might... There's only one possible explanation: necromantic energies brought the shining knight back to life, empowering him with greater strengths and armaments. Only the evil wizard himself can be behind this, and this can only mean one thing: the evil lich and the reviled duke formed an alliance to take me down, united by their common envy towards my radiant heroism.

Come, undead knight. I too have a bigger bonk.

 

[Andnjord]

Again with these pathetic sexual metaphors! Enough! You stared thirstily at my crotch for the last time, wench! Ready your sword! No... not that "sword", the real one! En garde!

You could have figured it out, if only you weren't so intent on dreaming about molesting me all the time.

The munchkin in me is howling in terror at the thought that you lost out on her quest rewards and the storyfag that's hiding underneath is crying that you killed my favourite NPC in the game. Damn you Porkster, you won't get away with it!

While traversing the countryside, a ragged old man stops me and challenges me to a duel. Wait... haven't I killed you before? I don't really care who you are, there are more urgent matters I have to take care of.

Why do these inferior beings have to keep trying their luck with a valiant knight like me? Don't they know they stand no chance?

Ehm....who the hell was that?

Also, nice use of the Golden Parry, but the audio volume is reaaaally low on this video.

 

[NJClaw]

The munchkin in me is howling in terror at the thought that you lost out on her quest rewards and the storyfag that's hiding underneath is crying that you killed my favourite NPC in the game. Damn you Porkster, you won't get away with it!

Do you think I would ever lose a quest reward?

If you kill her after you give her the prosthesis, she drops the Millicent's Prosthesis talisman, which is definitely more useful than the other reward in a SL1 run. With that, the Prosthesis-Wearer Heirloom, Godrick's Rune, Radagon's Soreseal, and the Dexterity-knot Crystal Tear, you can get to 40 Dexterity (43 with Okina Mask) on a SL1 character, which is pretty insane.

Ehm....who the hell was that?

I don't know, the Porkster has no time to waste on remembering his inconsequential enemies.

But, if it's a serious question, it's Margit. You encounter him a second time on the road to Leyndell, going south from the north door. He stands there as a simple commoner and transforms once you get close. He drops the Viridian Amber Medallion +1.

 

[Andnjord]

The munchkin in me is howling in terror at the thought that you lost out on her quest rewards and the storyfag that's hiding underneath is crying that you killed my favourite NPC in the game. Damn you Porkster, you won't get away with it!

Do you think I would ever lose a quest reward?

If you kill her after you give her the prosthesis, she drops the Millicent's Prosthesis talisman, which is definitely more useful than the other reward in a SL1 run. With that, the Prosthesis-Wearer Heirloom, Godrick's Rune, Radagon's Soreseal, and the Dexterity-knot Crystal Tear, you can get to 40 Dexterity (43 with Okina Mask) on a SL1 character, which is pretty insane.

Phew, I didn't know you could get the talisman so early. My inner munchkin is relieved.

Ehm....who the hell was that?

I don't know, the Porkster has no time to waste on remembering his inconsequential enemies.

But, if it's a serious question, it's Margit. You encounter him a second time on the road to Leyndell, going south from the north door. He stands there as a simple commoner and transforms once you get close. He drops the Viridian Amber Medallion +1.

Oh, that fight. It was a serious question in the sense I had no idea what I was looking at :D

 

[mediocrepoet]

I know that's a good "sword arm", I enjoyed it myself multiple times.

I feel like you've really captured the essence of Porky in this LP.

 

[NJClaw]

23 - Innocent Hunting: assgate

Spoiler

With the knight defeated, I set up camp for the night. As part of couples therapy, L and I have to go on a date at least once a week, and tomorrow is the big day. Everything needs to be perfect, especially hygine-wise. More complaints about my body odors would tank my relationship score.

...

In the midst of the night, a cry for help interrupts my mid-sleep self-pleasure session. The androgynous god's visage materializes in front of me, staring intensely at my pisser. Before I can find an excuse for his inhuman color and stench, the manifestation utters its message: a dangerous creature sieged the gods' palace, throwing blasphemous threats at none other than the Dark Lord of the Underworld himself.

Not much is known about this murderous heretic other than what he has been screaming madly since he got to the palace. He says he is Master of Sword and Sorcery, Vagabond, Adventurer Extraordinaire! Slayer of fiends, Fomors, and creatures undocumentable. Upholder of truth and justice and passion; he says he slew slew the Lantern King, The demon Mephistopheles, Belhifet. He boasts about being the one who who fights the cultists that would bring upon us decline. He is known in Antagarich as the commander, The people of Eo know him as Rune Warrior; They call him Knight of light in Emain Macha. There are those throughout the worlds that would call him guardian, savior, hero. He has seen things and done things you couldn't possibly understand, fought foes you couldn't possibly have faced, and accomplished feats you wouldn't believe. He has traveled to worlds where the laws of physics were subject to the whims of malicious Fae, and worlds where the intensity of the magical powers therein would rend your flesh, worlds that never existed in any known space-time.

...

Without wasting any time, I travel at breakneck speed towards the gods' residence, finally giving L the good ride my shortcomings have always denied her.

When I reach the palace, I get welcomed by a maddening show. The horrendous creature is flailing around like a madman, screaming at the top of his lungs his meaningless monologue.

"I'm white! I'm white!" he says, "Look at my asshole! Look at my goddamn asshole! I'm white!"

I give him a last chance to stop this pathetic charade before I draw my blade. Everyone can see his asshole is clearly black, why does he have to embarrass himself like this?

"Everyone will stare into my asshole!" he keeps screaming, "This is your destiny! My asshole will devour you all!"

Time to put an end to this travesty.

 

[Andnjord]

Goddam, bleed really does a number on him, doesn'it?

 

[NJClaw]

Goddam, bleed really does a number on him, doesn'it?

A good bleed build makes the godskin duo fight hilarious. You kill them so fast that you spend more time waiting for them to respawn than actually fighting. But, again, this is true for most bosses in the game.

Anyway, I haven't forgot about this. I'm in pre-summer vacation mood, so I don't spend as much time in front of my pc. And when I do, I tend to play games more than shitpost about porky. I will probably post less frequent updates until summer is over.

 

[NJClaw]

24 - Innocent Hunting: the dick-helicopterer

Spoiler

The deluded heretic is dead, the gods are safe. Before embarking on my next quest, I decide to say hi to the female goddess who recruited me.

Oh my...

I knew it! I FUCKING KNEW IT! I knew gamer girls couldn't be real, now everything makes sense. You're all just devious serpents in disguise!

And so you conceal your hideous nature and come here to the Shouting Lands, luring gullible nerds into your trap. Ruining their life, marriage, and self-respect.

But I've only myself to blame. The Rusty Key tried to warn me:

It tried to warn me multiple times:

But I decided to believe the kraut goddess instead, and now I realize I'm just another fool who fell for the oldest trick in the Shouting Lands.

So you say... I'm special? I know this will end badly for me, but I can't say no to that cute little face. I will keep working for you, just direct me towards my next target.

...

Do I really have to go after him? He is the friendliest guy who ever visited the Shouting Lands, what crime is he accused of?

...

Apparently, the poor guy got frisky and helicoptered his dick in front of another devious snake, driving her away from the Shouting Lands. It pains me to kill such a friendly, benevolent gamer god, but I will do anything for you, my goddess.

...

I'm here for your head, heretic. I see you brought your Mexican bodyguard with you, but I bet you know it won't save you. Just keep your dick inside your pants, for once.

 

[Andnjord]

I didn't even know you could parry his helicopter dick move.

 

[NJClaw]

I didn't even know you could parry his helicopter dick move.

I haven't found a way to correctly determine which weapon arts can be parried. I guess you can only learn it through trial and error. But you can bet that, if the attack looks like a one-handed move, I WILL try to parry it.

 

[NJClaw]

25 - Innocent Hunting: the Feet Collector

Spoiler

The friendly old man is dead, but I don't have the time to reflect on the weight of my actions: the goddess already has a new target for me.

I can't believe it... She wants me to face a legendary Viking, a former god who was cast aside by the Dark Lord of the Underworld as a result of one of the many plots orchestrated by the evil lich. I can't understand why you would want me to defeat an old enemy of the wizard, but it's not my place to question the orders of a goddess.

The heretic has been spotted around Banville, which means that I will have to enter the domain of the reviled Duke:

I've just entered the capital and I'm already sick of it. The Duke's banners are everywhere, reminding everyone of his poor taste in culture and other enjoyments.

I must be strong, I can't fall prey to this town's many snares and pitfalls. But I've been a man of many vices in the past, and my flesh is almost as strong as my arm...

...

...

Oh God, what day is it? How long have I been dancing and snorting with these wenches?

...

How long have I been drinking and eating like a pig? When did I become this fat? I can't recognize my bloated face anymore...

I've fallen for the Duke's traps, I must fight and get back to my righteous quest!

...

Oh no... what is this dead hooker doing in my room? What is happening to me? I must find the strength to stop now!

...

What is this familiar taste in my mouth? Oh no... no...

Your town's revelries dragged me to the bottom, Duke. You will soon taste my revenge. But first I must fulfill the gods' wishes. Exploiting his heinous taste in sexual matters, I've managed to track down the Viking.

I'm here to finish what the gods started a long time ago, heretic. Drop your weapons. And don't you give me that look, you will never have my feet!

 

[Andnjord]

Isn't this your first completely clean fight?

 

[NJClaw]

It depends on what you consider clean. I didn't take any damage also against Red Wolf of Radagon, Godskin Apostle, and Elemer of the Briar. But in 3 of these fights I used weapon arts, therefore I'm a rascal and a cheater.

 

[Andnjord]

No inhebriation of your sense through Maidenless drinking obviously. So therefore the answer is no, the Porkster has already been clean before, he just regularly relapses. :D

 

[NJClaw]

26 - The demise of the reviled Zed Doink

Spoiler

With the heinous Feet Collector dead, the gods' thirst appears to be sated. But the gods are the last of my problems now: my beloved L has been denying herself to me for so long that I barely remember what it means to feel a man. I can't handle this frustration any longer, I will confront her.

So this is how you see me after all this time? Just an old friend? Nothing more?

Converse, converse... with you it's always about conversing. You need to understand that, as a man, I have certain needs that "conversing" won't satisfy.

Listen... I already told you it's not my fault. It was late, I was drunk and tired. I could barely stand up straight, of course I couldn't enter your goddamn Erdtree? Why do you always have to bring that up? You know it hurts me.

Moreover, you are not without blame. Down there it was like a jungle, I couldn't see shit. And don't joke about my size! I was...

Yes! Yes! It was like a concrete wall!

I know, right? I thought I was going crazy, it's good to see I'm not the only one who noticed that. You need to do something about it, L. You must do something about it, or I will never get to your Elden Ring.

Tell me, L. Tell me what I can do to get rid of the impenetrable jungle and reach the coveted Elden Ring!

Set it aflame? Isn't it dangerous, my love? Oh, I don't care! If that's what must be done, I won't think about it twice. I will embark on this quest, but first there's something I must do.

...

Face me, Duke! I'm not scared of you, I'm only scared of what I will do to your body once this is finally over. Your obsession with me ends here. Your time has come, Zed Doink.

 

[NJClaw]

Zed Duke of Banville sorry I had to kill you off. No hard feelings.

 

[Zed Duke of Banville]

Zed Duke of Banville sorry I had to kill you off. No hard feelings.

This playthrough of Elden Ring will remain the only venue in which Porky has ever bested Banville.

 

[NJClaw]

27 - The fair maiden and the godslayer

Spoiler

The Duke is dead. Let's hope this will be enough to stop his insane obsession with me.

For the next hit, the gods only gave me a location, without any detail on the target.

When I reach the site, I can't believe my own eyes. He sits right in front of me, like a regular person. I can't believe I finally got to meet him...

Kruno, is that really you?

Yes! I knew it was you! I can't believe I finally got to meet my hero! I'm so excited I can almost feel it in my pants!

But... tell me, Kruno, why would the gods put a target on your back? You never did anything wrong, why would they want to get rid of you?

Oh no... I knew there was something wrong with the gods, but this is unacceptable even by their standards.

They want me to kill you, fair Kruno, but I can't bring my hand to commit such an atrocious act. Not against a magnificent creature like yourself. If the gods count you among the numbers of their enemies, then it can only mean one thing: they're the one in the wrong. Tell me, Kruno, what should I do?

I think I get what you're trying to say... I must kill the very gods. I will protect you with my life, even if it'll make me an heretic.

Luckily, I've studied their palace for days now. I know where their dark lord hides.

...

Face me, Dark Lord of the Underworld. I now know you're a creature of evil, for no righteous person would ever hurt Kruno. You will now answer for your crimes, foul dinosaur!

 

[NJClaw]

28 - Filler episode III

With the Dark Lord dead, all the lesser gods have scattered. I'm on my own now, I must carve out a new path for my heroic journey. But there are a couple of things I should take care of first.

L has heard there's another magical glass bead we can have fun with. Since her thorns are still impenetrable, I may as well have fun the other way.



Hey L, now that we have a new toy, let's go have fun in that club you like so much.

...

Yeah, this is great, I think I can get used to this place. But wait, why is that naked old man running towards me? Oh no, he saw my irresistible body and now wants a piece of it. Quick, L, hand me that toy you wanted to try, I will use it as a weapon against this pervert!



Phew, that was close. Let's get back in the mood... it would be easier without all these familiar faces. Wait a minute... what is SHE doing here? Oh no, I think she recognized me... run, L! My goddamn ex-wife is here!



Wow, that felt good. And now I'm free! You know what this means, L? We can finally have our big day! Let's not waste any time, we can go to that slightly ironic chapel next to the club.

...

What do you mean you will only celebrate a marriage between a man and a woman? Have you lost your sight or your mind, priest? Well, in any case, you'll pay for your insult.

 

[Andnjord]

Quick, L, hand me that toy you wanted to try, I will use it as a weapon against this pervert!

Nice, I did not see that one coming. It would appear I too have the humour of a 12 years old.

Incidentally, what does its weapon art does, the Through And Through?
(...no, this is a serious question, don't go there)