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Today's the 5th of July. A great day. Sometime somewhere, something very important happened. To celebrate this glorious summer day, Santa will be doing a bit of spring cleaning.
To Dreaad I give all my "Funny" ratings. Thy romance thread made me laugh out loud. Death by laughter is the purest death.
To Dayyalu I give all my "Prestigious" ratings. For his tireless labor in the Playground.
To MRY I give all my "Friendly" ratings. Into the bottomless abyss of self-loathing I empty the wheelbarrow of kindness.
To Tuluse I give all my "Brofist" ratings. For the Lost and Forgotten thread. For kindling and rekindling the torches in the vaults of memory.
The rest of the coveted ones can go to Styg, Pyke, Blackthorne, Iron Tower's Nick and Mazin (Kos Koa?).
The negative ones I keep.
Infinitron I summon thee. I ask assistance in this matter. You may do this pro bono or take your cut from the haul. Fair's fair.
Edit: C'mon, dude. I'd do it myself if I had the option. Tell ya what. Just do the first four. Or just transfer the brofists.
Full disclosure: I replayed the first act with cheats. There's no way in hell I'm plowing through the Colosseums of trash mobs this game has fairly ever again.
Imaginary conversation between the devs of this game:
We've got some nice art, nice music, a great setting, Latin, some nuanced characters - including inquisitors who don't burn people just because some wide-eyed fruit made an accusation.
I agree. You know what our game needs?
Mind-numbing tedium?
Correct!
For this memory-refreshing replay I picked the knight. The land of Ultherst is in the grip of heresy and it is up to you to save the realm because the rest of the holy warriors are polishing their swords in outhouses.
The investigation of heresy was my favorite part of the game. Dealing with lies, half-truths, evasions, motivations, misdirection, and discovering how people slowly get corrupted. They don't just wake up and say: "Boy, it sure is a great day to serve Satan." They're poor, afraid, resentful, lustful, vengeful. People also lie, mishear, misremember, are biased, ignorant, misinformed, and stupid. You yourself can be corrupt/overzealous/careless/diligent/honest/just.
To caricature:
Random dude: My neighbor conspired with the DEVIL and now my keys are gone.
Protagonist: Check your pockets.
Random dude: Oh. Never mind.
Protagonist: No biggie. Happens to the best of us.
OR
Protagonist: I shall purify his sinful soul with FIRE. (And maybe you too later. You have shifty eyes.)
OR
Protagonist: I shall investigate... after you pay me. Don't wanna pay? Want to visit the torture chambers, heretic?
Thoughts on combat:
Most common thought: "I could be digging a ditch right now. Way more fun."
Trash mobs everywhere. You kill one creature and it explodes like a pinata, littering the ground with useless crap. I do appreciate the angry Wookie sounds the Ogres make.
The plot is just silly:
The villains are so fabulously fucking stupid. They all ramble about their evil plan. At length. Stay awhile and read my walls of text.
Act one example: "Mwahahaha! I'll tell you as much info as you need to continue your investigation. Now DIE!" You've just slaughtered the entire Orc army before talking to him.
Also:
The Holy Inquisition is evil.
I know. How often does that happen in games or other forms of media? A powerful organization turns out to be evil? Shocking.
The game is divided into three acts. Let's see if I remember this right:
Act one, you discover that the local Inquisition bigwig is a devil worshiper. You burn him.
Act two, you burn his superior.
Act three, you discover that the Inquisitor General is also a very naughty boy.
Finale, you discover that Archbishop Lazarus Laurencius, the head of Zakarum the Church in Khanduras Ultherst, wants to summon Diablo to inhabit the body of Prince Albrecht Louis, son of King Leoric Edward II. You kill him and the Fallen Angel Azrael who is very angry with your meddling.
OR You join the heretics and kill Jacques de Molay of les Templiers. And then you kill Archangel Gabriel, who miracles his ass down from heaven to scold you.
You know what? At that point, I was half-expecting the pope to be a heretic. Or Archangel Gabriel to sparkle himself down, confess to being evil, give a long rambling speech, finish with "Non serviam!", and promptly be killed by a guy in sandals swinging a wooden club. And you then face God Almighty - who also turns out to be evil and did all this for giggles.
First played this years ago, when I father-son-brothered my way through with a priest. Drank oceans of potions. I waded though endless dungeons. Read walls of texts. Saved the realm and watched the ending. Then I reloaded before the villain's sales pitch, joined him, and damned the realm... and watched the same ending.
Quo vadis, bumpkin?
Friendly guy, this Cardinal Truncquillius. Did I mention that the knight can also detect someone's alignment? Let's check Mr. Canis-mortuus-est.
Naughtius Maximus!
If I was living in Ultherst and was in the mood to sell my soul, I'd ask for indoor plumbing and an inexhaustible supply of soft toilet paper.
Teamwork, camaraderie, problem solving. Our heroic vikings are going about their daily business of killing snails & dinosaurs and getting huge slabs of meat back to their families. At night, they are abducted by the cowardly Tomator.
Horror of horrors! Where are we? Why are we here? What do we do?
By Freyja's left titty, he's right! This cannot and shall not stand. Improvise, adapt, overcome.
You heard the toad.
Buh-bye, Tommy.
Through trials and tribulations they emerged victorious and returned into the embrace of their loved ones.
To the victorious go the goodies. Women, wine mead, and song.
To quote the 13th Warrior: "You will not see this again. It is the old way."
The original (and superior) PC version is from 1999, but I replayed the mobile to PC port to better compare it to Six Ages. Though dumbed down, this version still has the great art, music, and setting of the original. They also fixed some bugs of the original (but introduced new ones) and added some new events. Besides the good stuff like the setting & music and whatnot, the game provides you many ways you can rule your ragtag band of refugees. Be a clan of peaceful farmers and diplomats. Be a clan crafters and traders. Be a clan of great warriors and demand tribute from lesser clans. Be a clan of explorers and magicians and bring prosperity to your clan and destruction upon your foes. Or be a bit of everything. Your choice.
For this playthrough I created a warmongering, dragon-hating, thrall-taking clan.
Enthralling the Esrolian family is one of the cruelest, most petty bastard things I've done in any computer game. And that includes first befriending Dak'kon, helping him resolve his inner turmoil, and then betraying him and selling him into slavery. You know Dak'kon. He's your buddy. You don't know these people. And yet I felt more sorry for them. Compare this with Tyranny when there's a baby holding up a curse. Wanna take the quick and easy path and kill the baby to end the curse?
OH MY GOD you evil BASTARD! You villain most cruel! MONSTER!
Play Adagio for Strings, let tears flow freely, and let us lament man's inhumanity to man. Subtle as a herd of elephants charging off a cliff.
You can destroy other clans through merciless raiding. I think I accomplished it twice in the many, many times I beat the game. At first, I thought you have to kill enough of their people, but apparently you just have to reduce their herds of cattle to a point where they can't sustain the clan anymore. Which makes sense, your own clan can suffer appalling casualties and bounce back. But if you lose enough cattle, your clan will disband. The Black Horse Troop provides another method of getting rid of an annoying clan forever. Invite them to your tula and ask for their help with a raid when they come visit you.
No matter how powerful your clan becomes, you're still just a clan among groups, tribes, kingdoms, and various beings that you really shouldn't be pissing off.
Commence Operation Duck Soup.
We shall overcome.
Guess not. Sloppy bastards had to devastate us twice.
I remember the first time the Beastfolk rolled 'round to stomp my little clan of Duck bullies. Good times.
What bothers me most about this version? It's much easier than the original. How I dreaded bad harvests. Planting rye, having shrines and temples providing earthblood, bless crops, sun, etc., trading for food, heroquesting, raiding for food, etc. Fun, fun.
Glossary:
Riders - Hyalorlings. Elmal-lovin' Scythians. Horse archers, kumis, and shamans.
Rams - Orlanthi. I call them Potheads because of their ridiculous headgear. Heavily tattooed. Pictish bikers/Mara Salvatrucha. Don't have horses.
Wheels - Samnali. Androgynous charioteers. Elmali slavers. Don't like womenfolk. Will get pissy if you send one as an emissary. Haughty twits.
Some SA and KoDP differences:
Dead is dead. No Chalana Arroy to resurrect your fallen heroes.
Three different cultures instead of just one. Seven Ram clans, eleven Rider, and five Wheel ones. You create the eleventh Rider clan.
It appears you can't destroy a clan by raiding them into oblivion (you can destroy a Ram clan by asking Elmal nicely and sacrificing generously in a late game event)
Your clan can't be obliterated by a huge army like in KoDP. I tried very hard to piss everyone off. No dice. Not even the Alkothi demon men wanted to crush me. Wimps.
No mandatory heroquests. No "Elmal Raises Your Blood Pressure" or "Uralda Makes You Tear Your Hair Out". Only the river-taming ones twice and the "Busenari Restores Overgrazed Pastures" are nice to do (but not necessary to win the game).
Better combat, often lasting several turns. Another clan can join either side during battle.
Monsters can join the fun during combat. The Riders get an earth lizard, the Wheels get a fiery chariot, the Rams - a huge ram. Trolls, Dwarves, Alkothi get their own instruments of devastation. Of those, the Alkothi demon belcher would be my favorite one.
No slavery. You don't even take prisoners after battle (Or it happens once in a blue moon).
You can only attack neighboring clans, which is bizarre. The all-infantry Rams can raid you from far away, but you generally can't send a couple of dudes on horsies to pepper people with arrows unless they're next to your clan.
There's ritual torture and executions, and honor killings.
Art isn't as good as in KoDP, but still mostly decent.
Four difficulties. Easy, normal, hard, harsh.
Your heroes are much more fragile here. If you're careless, your valiant leaders will become worm food. Something to keep in mind in case you have to babysit certain members of the clan. As in KoDP, do not explore without proper preparation.
Much larger map and there's a lot to find. The glacier slowly advances, covering the top left corner of the map in ice. But it's also a much safer place than Dragon Pass. No beings like Cragspider, no dangerous areas like Snakepipe Hollow.
Can't form a tribe.
Different types of raids. Battle, honor, cattle, elite. You can also whoop - ride in a circle and scream like a banshee to intimidate your foes.
Yearlong tasks called ventures. About two dozen of them. Can do two per year.
It's a shorter game than KoDP.
You can hunt and forage on the map, capture spirits, and tame wild horses.
Spirits and shamans have a greater role. The magic screen also lists your sacred time magic allocation and long-term blessings.
No real threat of starvation or plague. Build the right shrines and you'll be fine.
Religious strife between the Rider clans.
Abrupt and ho-hum ending. I assumed it was just another chain event at first. Thought process at the time: Wait, what? That's it?
No interesting cults like the Uroxi or Humakti roaming around.
You never run out of things to do.
At the start, you can choose how many times you can load the game: unlimited, one, none.
As in KoDP, magic is king. If nothing else, don't forget to build a shrine to Erissa to provide the curing blessing. Sometimes the artists really went overboard with the accessories. I've seen Hindu brides with less ornaments than some of these tribal dandies.
The Alkothi are just a joy to behold. I love fighting these teeth-filing, demon-worshipping, psycho coneheads. Shame you can't raid them. Or at least bait them into attacking more often.
I consider the Ice Tribe as the best ancestral enemy in KoDP, since your guys don't get the sniffles when you raid in Storm season, and can often even attack during Dark season. In SA, picking the Rams as your ancestral enemy is the most satisfying. You get plenty of chances to mess with them - and your ancestors will clap, cheer, and bless you every time you succeed. You're not a real Elmali until all seven of the sheep-shagging Ram clans are paying you tribute.
You don't need to fight if you're raided by the other clans. You can offer to pay tribute or convince them to leave, which is useful if they catch you with your pants down and you want to avoid casualties. Non-humans are not fans of diplomacy. The writing and music are nice. However, some of the tracks are clipped in the OST.
Ram casualties in failed raids on your territory should be much higher. Your troops are mounted, they're all on foot. Do they have magic covering their retreat? The Rout blessing back at their place? "Covers our rear while we limp back to our tula." Who's the deity of hauling ass in the Orlanthi pantheon? This is especially entertaining if they hike all the way from Vestenan. Maybe the Riders just start whooping and high-fiving each other after victory instead of pursuing and crushing the fleeing Rams utterly.
Random hints, tips, info:
More cows, faster overgrazing.
Wheels are the best target for cattle raids. Rams don't have horses to steal.
Magic and people are valuable. Ceremony and Recruit Clan Member are decent ventures to pick.
You can break the game by selling surplus food. Don't do it.
Explore the north before the glacier spreads too far. There's a place you might find interesting.
Be rich and be generous.
You can occasionally change your ancestral enemies and even make peace with a few of them.
Build a shrine to Nyalda and pick Bless Children.
The Wheel clans can form a kingdom later in the game.
For a lively game, pick a Raven worshipper as your chief. The three and a half decade rule of my Raven chiefess provided me with lots of fun. My favorite run by far.
It's a mobile to PC port. Apparently, plans A, B, and C to port the game failed. So they went with plan D and as a result the game only runs in Windows 10. Why didn't they make it for the PC first and then port it to the phones? No idea. Maybe they're allergic to money.
Pics from a Ram-hating run.
Some wit and wisdom of Yatakan:
"Die, bear, die!"
"Untangle her hair? Disgusting."
"Let's make a non-idle threat."
Japan, 16th century. Sengoku Jidai aka The Age of Squabling Clans Because the Emperor is Useless and the Ashikaga Shoguns are Weaklings.
Some features:
Minimal but decent voice acting. As it should be.
Weather, morale, terrain, exhaustion affect your battles.
A nice OST.
Different historical battles and campaigns.
Video clips of ninjas fucking up.
Nice intro & outro. And an extra statue clip per clan.
Those huge warrior monk armies decimated by your archers firing from the hills. Heavy cavalry impaled by your spearmen. In fact, conquering all of Japan just with yari samurai and archers (and yari cavalry to cut down fleeing troops) was a blast. There was also lame crap like the geisha super assassins.
But wait, there's more.
The Mongol Invasion expansion gives you the chance to escort these fragrant equestrians into the sea as the Japanese.
OR
Crush all Japanese resistance in the name of the khan. Because Japan needs more throat singing.
One of the many games I discovered while browsing HOTU years ago. It's a short, amusing, text-based game about climbing the corporate ladder. It wont take much of your time if you're curious, so I'll just post some pics. Only three of those are picked choices, so you won't be spoiling your experience. Pinky swear.
Run the secret police in Britain and deal with the Prime Minister's choleric outbursts as you try to keep his ass in power by any and all means. While it's entertaining to send heavy assault squads to obliterate an irreverent playwright, the PM appreciates subtlety. Break-ins, murders, abductions, and the like are not appreciated by the general public. Better to discredit, infiltrate, observe, follow, and use the direct methods sparingly. If you do your job well, the PM will arrange for more resources to carry out your nefarious deeds.
You lose if the PM's approval ratings drop too low or if you attract too much attention with your crude ways of solving problems. You win if you keep the PM in power for several months - the bigwigs make you the next PM because you know too much. Or if you do the bidding of a secret society bent on world domination, the Secret Masters of Thoth, and become their grand master.
Subject is not responding. Subject is dead.
An unemployed upper class twit who's a keen cyclist and likes folk music?
This is a democracy you know! We can't just let people who don't like us walk around without hassling them!
There's a Mr. Garcia waiting to see you.
The unattributable source has repeatedly stated that the government never has and never will run any sort of quasi-secret police force in Britain.
A remake is in the works and will apparently be out this year.
2015: “When will Floor 13 be published?” Er..
2016: “When will Floor 13 be published?” Em.
2017: “When will Floor 13 be published?” Ah, I don’t know.
2018: “When will Floor 13 be published?” Soon, probably.
Hot damn. The people responsible for this mod really went all in. The text of every unit, character trait, building, faction, and wonder is enough to make any history buff drool. Leading the Romans to glory or bashing them as the Celts, Germans, Carthaginians, and Thracians was a whole lotta fun. But playing as the Armenians on the hardest setting was pure joy. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to remove the Hellenistic pederasts, reestablish the Persian Empire under the Orontid dynasty, and make Persia the land of sublime Zoroastrian incest once again.
VS
At the start, the Armenians control one (!) poor province. But are allied with the Seleucids. No problemo.
My plan:
Unite all Armenian lands under my rule
Secure northern border and guard mountain passes
Ally with Sarmatians
Build up strength and gobble up smaller states like Pontus
Strike at Seleucids when they're fighting a war on several fronts/collapsing/facing rebellions
Destroy Ptolemies
Destroy Bactrians
Reestablish Persian Empire
Praise Ahura Mazda
Party hard
After about 5 turns the Seleucids broke the alliance and declared war on me. Men plan, Ahriman laughs.
The Seleucids have various flavors of phalangites, peltasts, cavalry of all shapes and sizes, elephants, archers, slingers, and whatnot. The Armenians have a bunch of inbred hillbillies in pajamas, wielding spears and rickety shields.
VS
Not good.
But all is not lost. Though your armies are truly pitiful, every general has a bodyguard:
Aw yeah. Imagine these bad boys smashing full speed into the rear of a phalanx. Frankly, no matter how large and strong their armies are they're still controlled by the AI. Spoiler: the AI is not good. I'm astounded how skillfully the AI can fuck up a battle. Other problems with EB? Bugs. Tons of bugs... and crashes. Just executed a perfect ambush with your tiny force and obliterated a huge enemy army? Haha, fuck you, crash to desktop.
Long story short, I did reestablish the Persian Empire and crush the diadochi. Wanted to destroy Rome as well... and then the game crashed yet again.
I played and enjoyed the first three or four Quest for Glory games. Here's what I remember about the second and most liked one: cat people, desert, free food. That's about it. So when I found out there was a free (bugs, crashes, freezes, and generally my time being wasted) spiritual successor (stale trash masquerading as a homage) to those games and it was inspired by Norse mythology (clearly an unexplored setting, along with Rome, WW2, Japan) I ignored it. However, this thing's been mentioned and praised on the Codex plenty of times. Whatever, you like what you like. Then one guy mentioned combat and that it was challenging even with the stats maxed out. So I took it for a spin at the start of this year.
I've beaten it on the hardest setting with every class and was happy as a little girl. I enjoyed the combat, the writing, the works. Hell, even some of the voice acting was memorable. In a free game. Unbelievable.
An amusing and memorable foe:
Ratatosk, the original doom squirrel.
I shall poke out your eyes with my sharp, sharp tail! I shall hide all the acorns you were saving for winter! I shall bite your bones and gnaw on your marrow!
Cyberpunk weather forecast:
Dark, 80% chance of rain. All day, every day. In the grim future there will be no sunshine, rainbows, or bunnies merrily hopping around. Because the corporations have ruined everything.
The protagonist calls himself the Artist. He's a wholesome, well-adjusted individual who has a wife he loves very much. He works for the Neo-Faith megacorp as an assassin, thief, and all 'round flunky. After the kidnapping of his beloved wife, he dons a spiffy exoskeleton (which fries his brain every time he uses it) provided by Roy (Roy is a woman), picks up a glowing blue bat, and goes on his righteous quest to bash people's heads in.
Ichi, ni, san
A boy and his bat
How much does one have to earn before he starts killing kittens on a daily basis?
Romantic.
Strawberry fields forever.
Sunny skies
Business as usual, then.
Just a rock n' roll clown.
Lemme guess, you do cocaine?
You still are.
Endangered species
I got Dreamweb and Hotline Miami vibes playing this.
Nay:
The rest of the gameplay. It's just filler till you get to a boss. Thankfully, you can pick the boss stage in every chapter after you beat it.
Some of the voice acting is truly horrific. Nothing a mute button can't fix.
Unskippable credits.
Game was developed by Wormwood's James Spanos (also a member of the Codex) and Andrea Ferrara (Andrea is a man).
Found the ending interesting.
The puppet remains a puppet. Or the puppet cuts his strings and bashes Roy.
I prefer the left one. He always was a puppet and a navel-gazing loon. Why stop now?
The Adventures of Maddog Williams in the Dungeons of Duridian (1992)
Good King Serak corrupted by evil magic
Evil King Serak does cruel and evil things
Serak overthrown by Thaylor
Serak imprisoned in enchanted cell forever
Thaylor new Good King™
Serak escapes cell (Gee, who saw this coming?)
Bad things happen
Inventor and collector of antiques Maddog Williams to the rescue!
Maddog, gentleman and scholar
Don't mind me.
"I like you. You're purdy."
Drool of Hell?
Dances with dragons
King Thaylor, I presume?
Have at thee!
Eat you heart out, St. George!
Hero saves the day and makes sweet love to the princess, right?
WRONG
Cockblocked by aliens. Happens every day.
Forgot to pick an item? Dead end. You'll have to reload or restart. Have several backup saves and save often. Game has bugs and can freeze occasionally.
A game that, along with Dune II, made me fall in love with strategies. What can be said about Civ that hasn't already been said about crack cocaine?
Spam chariots and make Alexander, Genghis Khan, and Napoleon beg for mercy
Watch in awe as your battleships are defeated by phalanxes
Be an overworked cleaning lady as you mop up the pollution that pops up every turn
Build yourself a pretty palace or go nuts and create a horrific eyesore worthy of being a modern art masterpiece
Marvel at the constipated faces of defeated foes
Gaze in awe as Gandhi threatens you with NUCLEAR WEAPONS and Indians launch sneak attack after sneak attack
Play Whack-A-Barbarian as the hairy hordes of thugs land near your cities or pop out of the ground like zerglings
Discover scrolls of ancient wisdom before you discover writing
Construct magnificent wonders like the Lighthouse in the middle of a continent.
Embrace micromanagement and manage each and every city and unit all by yourself
Turn your gaze upwards - towards the stars and worlds unknown.
Weep with joy as the AI builds a city right next to another one - preferably yours
Capturing the capital of a large and powerful civilization and triggering a civil war was my favorite thing in this game back in the day. Today, settlers, caravans, and diplomats are my most cherished units. Especially the diplomat.
Stealing tech, bribing units, creating spy rings, inciting revolts in enemy cities, sabotaging buildings (can be done in peacetime). Lovely. Destroy city walls in an enemy capital. Nice. Not an enemy capital but has city walls? Just bribe the silly sods. Why waste units trying to take it? No need to create more pixel widows and orphans than strictly necessary.
In the beginning, Unkulunkulu was bored. To amuse him he created the Zulus in his image.
We come in peace
Oh, hell no!
Keep walking, friend.
One sneak attack too many, baldie.
In my defense, three civilizations were destroyed by others.
Friendly chaps with top hats
Huh? Didn't even know where this city was.
I got new tech and a new city without lifting a finger. Sweet.
Last enemy city. Can be left standing to pursue a space victory.
No idea how I found this baby. Prolly went lookin' for some WW1-type game, found this, saw tiny men with gas masks operating huge cannons, and bought it right then and there. Checked some of the recent reviews. One guy was complaining that the enemy soldiers don't wait for the bombs to land on their heads and instead move out of the way. "Why don't my enemies stand still and let me kill them? WHY?!" Not only that, the little bastards also repair the stuff you've already put out of commission with your barrages. Sassy midgets, all of them.
The story is that WW1 never ended and now there are a lot of very nice fortresses that you have to obliterate.
You're given command of different fortresses, which you can (usually) customize in a way that best fits your august taste. You're spoiled for choice with all the mortars, cannons, lasers, missiles, nukes, zeppelins, and so forth. After trying out a lot of different combinations, I prefer to keep it simple. Basic mortars, basic cannons, decent defenses. And extra manpower layout. See, besides repairing things and putting out fires, the Lilliputians also make stuff work better. Shields recharge faster, weapons are more accurate and load quicker. Therefore, it's advisable that you try to keep your charming little goblins alive and destroy the puny pygmies of the enemy. You can burn them, use toxic gas, electrocute them, shoot them with your guys, use shredder bombs, or just blow them apart with your artillery.
It'll be over by Christmas
Forever war
Shame that you can't save the positions of your tiny troopers like in FTL.
An amnesiac cyborg escapes from his cell and beats a fellow prisoner to death with the prisoner's own severed arm. Why? To get the fork, of course. And later he kicks a cyborg dinosaur in the face, shoots down a dropship, bashes aliens and marines, and destroys robots with blaster fire bouncing off walls. Outstanding.
To be frank, I've always thought that the game starts out great and then just slowly becomes more and more tedious until it completely fizzles out at the end. Which is a shame, it's got a great setting and atmosphere. Plus the cyborg beatdowns are very fun. Apparently, the choices you make determine who you were before the operation (like not killing an unarmed guard or stealing the fork without killing Caynan), but in the end it doesn't really matter. Who you were is irrelevant and has zero effect in the game. And the base explodes and they all die, so it doesn't matter who you leave alive.
Anyway, some early game pics:
Tales of the fork
Terminator meets Jurassic Park
Baby needs a nap.
Sub-Zero wins.
"Eat light, you stupid machine!"
"You stand upon holy ground! It's fitting you should kneel!"
Sometimes you just wanna punch a thunder god in the balls.
And then Shang Tsung starts clapping vigorously.
Round one. Fight!
T-800 steals the heart of an aerobics instructor.
Give him an actual reason to scream, the tit.
Not to mention the game sequels. Coming soon: Mortal Kombat 52
His hat always stays on. Most impressive. Must be glued on.
Or welded on.
He should be charging smartphones.
Scorpion can man the grill. Sub-Zero can keep the beer cold.
A lot less silly than I remember.
Shang Tsung immediately morphed into Goro. Such a cheap move.
Unskippable credits. Outstanding.
Johnny Cage will not punch his double or Sonya in the groin. Strangely enough, he has no problem with punching their heads off.
Kano should have been a playable character in MKII. His enthusiasm was greatly missed.
Liu Kang's pathetic shrieks are nothing compared to the master:
The same guys that made the new Crisis in the Kremlin also made this (and China: Mao's Legacy). You play as one of the socialist countries during the 1989-1991 years. You could pick GDR, Romania, or Bulgaria at first. Then they added Poland. Two DLCs added Hungary, Czechoslovakia, Albania, Cuba, Afghanistan, and North Korea. You can forget about winning the Cold War, but you can ensure that the socialist camp remains standing. Or you can speed up its collapse. Perhaps reform your country a bit: left nationalism, Islamic socialism, Catholic socialism, right nationalism, liberalism, etc.
You can go nationalist with Bulgaria and snag Macedonia from Yugoslavia. Or you can form a Great Yugoslavia consisting of Yugoslavia, Albania, and Bulgaria. You can turn Romania into a monarchy, bring back King Michael, ensure the Soviet Union breaks apart, and then snatch Bessarabia back. There are so many different outcomes. As in CITK, the language is either Runglish or Russian. Pretty scarce info about what anything does. For example, you don't know exactly what picking a certain minister does. Occasionally, you can find untranslated text. Or worse, just some garbled mess. There's bugs too, but no freezes or crashes.
The main resources in the game are agents and money. With them you can shape your country and others to your liking. But now you have to deal with the demands of the Soviet Union and its current leader Gorbachev. Comrade Gorby is constantly on your case if you don't reform. Then you have to deal with the people, the Party, NATO and the Americans. Not to mention the economy is not doing very well... in any socialist country. Hell, the entire socialist camp is slowly falling apart. So you pretty much have to act quickly if you want to survive.
The music mostly consists of the old commie songs from each of the playable countries. Some are pretty catchy.
Giant robots beating the nuts and bolts outta each other, what more could you want? You can play the campaign - which is forgettable. Or you can play the tournament mode - which is where the game shines. You start with a Jaguar bot and seek fortune and glory by joining four of the available tournaments. And then you fight, upgrade your bot, or exchange it for a different model, train, rise up through the ranks, and kick ass till there are no more asses left to kick.
You also have two finishing moves: scrap and destruction. Despite being the basic bot, the Jaguar is my favorite robot to play. It's fast, versatile, and its scrap and destruction moves are very simple. No need to shuffle dance on your keyboard to pull it off. Why does this matter? Well, besides being satisfying, profitable, and nice to look at, it also gives you the chance to fight unranked challengers - you can get an upgrade for your robot if you trash them.
