Random thoughts on various new and old games (indie, classics, abandonware)

[Binky]

Life and Death (1988)

Playing doctor. First you poke and prod your patient for booboos. Depending on the patient's yelps, you decide on whether you'll give him/her an X-ray or an ultra scan, and then operate. Or just medicate, observe, or send him to another guy to poke and prod some more. If there needs to be an operation, you first pick two of your assistants. They'll pipe up with warnings, suggestions, and other feedback - on novice difficulty. On higher difficulties you're pretty much on your own. EKG going haywire? On novice, the cardiologist would say what's going on and what to do (inject lidocaine, atropine,...). On intermediate or advanced, however, he'll simply say that the EKG is going nuts and beg you to do something. The patient bleeds out very quickly on harder difficulties too, so you have to be quick with the clamping and the cauterizing.

There are two types of operations: an appendectomy and an aortic aneurysm surgery. You cut, suture, scrape, clean, retract, inject, take fluid samples, cauterize, clamp, and toy with internal organs. If you screw up, you're sent to class, where the teacher explains why carving your initials into the patient with a scalpel is not a good idea.

After many amusing failed attempts I finally managed to beat the game again. On novice. Tried an operation on advanced. Barely got past the first layer before the patient croaked.

Don't try this at home

Spoiler

 

[Binky]

Veil of Darkness (1993)

16th century Romania. A Romanian lord's son falls in love with a Hungarian peasant girl. Daddy is not happy. Said something about not allowing a Hungarian animal diluting proud Dacian blood. Clearly, the man has never eaten good pork goulash. Daddy kills the girl and pours her blood down the kid's throat. Sonny Kairn is not happy. He strikes a bargain with an unsavory book, turns himself into a vampire, and almost four centuries of misery follow. Here's where your guy comes in:

Courtesy of ol' Jaesun.

Kept having Shadow of the Comet flashbacks during this replay. An isolated place, an outsider, lots of shifty locals hiding something, supernatural evil forces,...

Anyway. Blondie quickly realizes he has to kill Kairn if he wants to stay alive and leave the valley. And because he's the one the prophecy predicts will smite the evil vampire most mightily. This prophecy crap really needs to join the dodo. There's also a lot of fiddling around with pouches, sacks, and backpacks in the inventory. And then there's an incredibly boring hedge maze. A house on the other side of it has useful things. Not only that, the maze is the only place you can get garlic. And you need it. Six pieces, to be exact. So you have to comb the entire maze to find it. Splendid.

Other than that, you lift curses, riddle a werewolf with silver bullets, talk with ghosts, solve puzzles, whack will-o-wisps with a staff, smash skeletons with a mace, slice zombies with a silver sword, pour holy water on vampire brides, and then face Kairn himself. You find his coffin and nail it shut. You avoid his attacks by wearing garlic and going temporarily blind. And then you weaken him by throwing holy water at him, bathing him in sunlight, speaking his true name, and tell him that he's been a very bad boy. Palido flees to take a nap in his coffin, but finds it shut. Finally, our yellow-jacketed hero stakes him, beheads him, and then goes off to smooch with the daughter of a local big shot. Roll credits. Aw yeah. Now that's what I call a satisfying endgame. Quite an accomplishment, considering so many games stumble at the end.

I first replayed this a few years ago after a long time. Knew that Kairn's fortress is the final destination and that it has a lot of goodies. So I go there as soon as I can. Three skeletons guard the entrance. No problemo, I bash 'em with the mace and stroll right in. I happily loot the place and then meet a ghost. Can't kill him yet, so I have to flee. He manages to age me, though. This makes you move slowly. No biggie, I know that it can be cured. Well yes, it can be cured. What I failed to remember is that the book that reverses the curse is found in a house much later in the game. The location of the house? On the other side of the fucking hedge maze. So instead of restarting or reloading, I shuffled my way through most of the game with my geriatric hero. Outstanding.

This replay went much more smoothly. Most of the time, combat is simply equipping the right weapons and then smashing the 1 and 2 keys on the keyboard till your foes drop dead. It's not like you have to fight. Herds of zombies can be easily avoided. There's no exp in the game and they don't drop any loot. The only thing they give you is a disease.

A Romanian girl with a Celtic name

Spoiler

Sleep together, lay together, make love, fornicate, copulate, fuck, screw, have sex?

Uh, yes. Let's go with that, my delicate flower.

"I think YOU are the werewolf!"

Spoiler

Somebody is, Grandma Popeye.

Crikey.

Eat silver, furball!

Good news, Ambrose! You've been declared innocent.

It also has topiary creatures that have a poisonous bite.

Steak with garlic

Spoiler

I'm getting yelled at by an inanimate object. That's a new low.

Best date ever.

Nothing quite like marching up to kids, traumatized young women, and decrepit grandmothers with a gun full of silver bullets and accusing them of being a werewolf.

 

[Binky]

The King of Chicago (1988)

Al Capone gets locked up and that leaves Chicago ripe for the taking. But your boss is old and soft, so he's gotta go. And then you take over the city. This can be done in several ways. You can get the troops, and/or the second-in-command to support you. And then you either pop the old man or convince him to retire. You can assassinate the boss and pin it on a rival gang. You can just blow the guy's head off without getting anyone's support first and then deal with the fallout.

Once you're boss, there are several ways you can deal with Capone's heir, Tony Santucci. You can bribe, convince, rig elections, and threaten people to fall in line. Or you can bomb buildings, shoot people with a revolver or Tommy gun. During one successful run, I killed only Tony. Got the support of my gang, convinced the boss to retire, swayed an ambitious alderman to my side with my silver tongue, got him elected mayor, and convinced my fickle squeeze Lola to lure Tony out in the open, away from his men.

If you get too soft or run out of cash, your men mutiny and you end up in Lake Michigan or sweeping floors. Should you do something stupid (like killing a civilian), you'll get arrested and get the electric chair. Finally, the most common screw ups earn you a bullet (and make your mother cry). There's no saving your game. Do or die.

A history of violence

Spoiler

Kind word and a gun

Spoiler

Ich bin die fesche Lola

Spoiler

PS. When asked about dames and horses, Bull the Gangster had this to say: "A horse will never break your heart."

 

[Binky]

Mad TV (1991)

Intro
Life, liberty, and the pursuit of pussy. Our hero desires neither power, nor wealth, nor glory. He desires Betty, the shameless hussy with expensive tastes. In pursuit of this noble goal, he gets employed as a manager of a TV station. To win her affection, he shall have to win TV awards, buy her expensive gifts, and shower her with attention - that is, making sure her boring culture show nobody wants to watch is occasionally shown on TV. Your task is simple: Get cash from advertising. You buy movies, shows, series and offer them up to your loyal viewers. Hell, if you buy a script and a decent studio, you can make your own shows and series. You can also make sure that your viewers are well-informed as well as entertained. The extinction of the Sudanese dung beetle and the coup in Papua New Guinea shall not go unnoticed under your watch.

Don't show X-rated movies before 21:00 or they will be confiscated. To find out what the people like to watch, use the show Trendy (you'll have to buy the script and make it). Be aware that their tastes change over time. More viewers means more advertising cash and higher ratings. If your ratings drop too low, you're fired. However, the same happens to your rivals and they'll eventually get thrown through a window if you do your job right. Also, there's an info board on the ground floor. Switching the "Duban" signs there may lead to terrorists bombing your rival's properties. Game's got a couple of bugs and can apparently freeze if you don't keep your DOSBox speed low.

Satellite of Love

Spoiler

I cry every time I remember that moment.

District 9

A satellite covers half the country.

Tops

Spoiler

Aw, don't be like that, baby.

Hot and cold.

Global warming melting the Ice Queen.

Sure thing, boss.

Someone's getting fired soon.

There can be only one!

Whatever gets you naked, darlin'.

Time to seal the deal.

And they lived happily ever after.

 

[Binky]

Black Moon Chronicles (1999)

A game based on a French comic of the same name. The Empire of Lhynn is in trouble. The Imperials and the Knights of Justice want to defend and preserve the empire. The Order of Light and the Black Moon want to kill the emperor and put someone else on the throne. Enter Wismerhill, some androgynous fairy who has the constitution of wet cardboard. If you lose a battle, it'll probably be because somebody gently grazed him and he dropped dead.

Some game features:

• Memorable videos, sadly missing from the GOG version (intro)
• Nice music
• Horrible pathfinding
• Idiotic AI
• Bugs and crashes

You can join all four factions.
The KKK Order of Light has loads of cash, dragons, good cavalry, and lotsa white robes.
The Knights of Justice have archangels, paladins, and an overwhelming urge to say "Alleluia".
The Black Moon has necromancers, trolls, giants, and orcs.
Albania The Empire has leviathans, dragons, and lots of cannon fodder.

The AI in this game is hilarious. They either charge with everything they've got. Or in case where you have to siege some town or fort, they simply stand there and allow you to whittle them down with magic. It's really something else to see a large garrison turned to ash fireball by fireball. Actually, that's not fair. You can also use other spells. Not only that, your spellcaster doesn't even have to be near the walls. Example: march only Wismerhill to the walls then select all troops. Select fireball and click on the enemy troops in range. Fireballs will start flying from wherever your magelings are.

You pick your troops and take them from battle to battle and let them gain exp. Don't need to really think too hard what to pick, though. Dragons, archangels, or giants + spellcasters. Spellcasters are overpowered as they are entertaining. They can banish demons, wipe out entire armies with rain of fire, earthquakes, fireballs, polymorphs, lightning, and the like. They can resurrect the fallen or raise skeletons, zombies, and vampires. You can have several armies and march them around the province map at your leisure. Enemy armies will chase you, intercept you, block your path, and ambush you. Some battles are optional.

The Battle of Tsaroth is probably the most fun I've had with this game. The Black Moon versus the other three. The location of the factions is always the same. The size and strength of the troops is not. Your objectives also vary. The treacherous KKK needs to win the battle but not lose too many troops. The Black Moon simply needs to hold the line. The Albanians have to utterly crush the opposition. Justice needs to smash into the left flank and then charge right.

Tsaroth

Spoiler

Baron Backstab betrays us? That's what you get for trusting Fratus Sinister. Prolly not a good idea to trust people with names like that.

Pork power

Spoiler

Pigs are tougher and have higher morale than peasants. That's just sad.

More slaps than Dungeon Keeper

Spoiler

David Bowie will smite the infidels.

Crashed three times during the final Black Moon Battle before I got fed up and uninstalled it.

 

[Binky]

The Clue! (1994)

Be a burglar in London, 1953/54. This Austrian game is my favorite crime game by far.

First, you investigate the target building. You figure out how much loot there is, what security it has, the guard routes, how far away the cops are, your escape route, how isolated it is, how noisy you can be before someone calls the law. Your first target is a kiosk. The rest you choose for yourself. You can rob small stores, houses, villas, jewelers. Or you can rob museums, galleries, and banks. While cleaning out the British Museum and the Bank of England is fun, I now prefer to break into galleries and villas. Gold and statues are heavy. Paintings less so - a single small painting might be worth 30,000 pounds.

Then you get yourself a car. Fast, slow, new, old, roomy, conspicuous? Everything matters. A Jaguar might allow you to get away from the cops, but it doesn't have much room. A Pizza truck is roomy but not exactly inconspicuous. I like the Pontiac best. It has enough space to enable you to really clean out a place. Nothing more frustrating than finding out that you can't take any more loot with you. Next up are the tools - from crowbars, gloves, and masks to power tools. At the start, your Polish hero is kinda sorta skilled in picking locks, electronics, safes, and looking out. For the rest, he needs help. Brutish boxers, electricians, professors who love dynamite, veteran safe crackers, bored housewives, adventurers, pizza delivery men, grinning Arabs are available to join you in your noble quest of wealth redistribution. Of course, the more people, the smaller your share of the loot.

Now comes the heart of the game: planning the burglary. You deal with alarms, microphones, searchlights, cameras, guards (with or without radios), check clocks, locked doors, safes, windows, and displays. When you're satisfied with your cunning plan, you start the robbery. A lot of things can go wrong, someone might get injured, you might make too much noise, a guard might spot you, a police patrol might notice the opened/damaged doors or windows, something might trigger an alarm. If everything goes smoothly, you escape with the loot. The police will start investigating and gathering clues. They might find your car, a guard might recognize who knocked him out,... Sloppy work over the course of several burglaries might get you nabbed. Or get your accomplices nabbed and then they may or may not snitch on you.

Finally, you sell your loot. Then you do it all over again. Just with better cars, tools, and accomplices.

The story is lame as hell and after 8 burglaries you're forced to do one where you must use a specific car. Then another where it doesn't really matter what you do. And finally, one where you must make sure that your accomplices get nabbed by the cops while your escape. I prefer to save my game after about six or seven burglaries and rob different buildings instead of doing the final missions.

Of Poles and Germans

Spoiler

Thank you for your service, comrade.

Roomy but swift.

Close but no cigar, flatfoot.

Sacre bleu

Spoiler

No periwinkle blue for my car, then?

No rest for the greedy

Spoiler

 

[Binky]

Right.

Four months later, 56 games covered. Not too shabby. This was fun. And time consuming. Now I'd like to try out some (old) games I haven't played yet. I've compiled a little list and if find something interesting, I'll post about it here. About 10 games from the original list got the chop. Maybe I'll post something about them in the future.

Some random pics

Spoiler

Some more Colonization

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Goliath

Spoiler

Where eagles dare

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Hanger, Cliff Hanger

Spoiler

Take two

Spoiler

 

[Binky]

Kingdoms of Germany (1994)

First played Defender of the Crown this year. While it has pretty sweet graphics, I also beat it in about ten minutes. It did help me remember a game I played long ago called Vikings: Fields of Conquest. 'Twas a turn-based strategy where you conquered Iceland, Ireland, Great Britain, and a part of Denmark with your chosen faction. Kingdoms of Germany is basically the same game (with some improvements) on a different map. Since all the action is on the continent, you can safely ignore the navy and just focus on building up your armies and sweeping through the map.

There is no diplomacy and the economy is pretty basic. I did like how scarce iron was on the map. First you have to prospect to find it, but even when you do find it, the iron mines run out very quickly. Thing is, iron is needed to create armies, the best units, forts, ports, and most importantly, catapults. You can buy it on the market, however, so it doesn't really matter. Gave myself a challenge to rely only on what I found and not buy anything off the market. Brought loads of archers and crossbowmen to sieges, so I could pepper their missile troops and keep my precious catapults safe.

Gott mit uns

Spoiler

3 gold? Be still my beating heart.

 

[Binky]

Blackthorne (1994)

Wanted to replay a game involving shotguns. It was either Dangerous Dave or Blackthorne. A coin toss decided in favor of Blackthorne. The back shot is very cool (it's also completely useless). It's amusing how there is absolutely no penalty if you blast the people you're trying to save with the shotgun. I quickly got tired and skipped to the final boss fight. Shame you don't have to use any gadgets to beat Sarlac. Just roll around and blast the git. Would have preferred if the game was more about fighting and less about jumping and running around.

Prince of Androth: The Shotgun and the Shades

Spoiler

Yup.

Guess this wasn't in the prophecy.

Trash talk

Spoiler

A man of his word.

Would have been an interesting B action movie.

PS. Dangerous Dave consolation prize: the death animations

 

[Binky]

Rockstar! (1989)

Sex, drugs, and rock 'n' roll. Record singles, albums, make videos, tour Europe and America, bang groupies, and take enough drugs to take out a blue whale. Record companies will try to screw you over, groupies can have venereal diseases (including AIDS), you can wake up naked next to a man, band disagreements can lead to fistfights, drugs can fry your brain, your albums, singles, and videos may suck, and worst of all, nobody might want to go see you play. It's impossible to stay clean. Everyone and your mother will offer you drugs. Hell, even Granny offers you the hard stuff. No matter what you do you'll eventually end up on heroin. If you get tired from all the touring, recording, partying, and screwing, you can take a holiday. Where you party and fuck some more. Party too hard and you may end up in a hospital (and get sedated for sexually assaulting a nurse). And then you ping pong between rehab and the hospital, where you recover from your overdoses and suicide attempts. Finally, you either slash your wrists, drown yourself, or overdose and go to the great rehab in the sky.

Heavy blizzard in Britain

Spoiler

Epileptics should avoid this game

Spoiler

One of the many visual effects of drug use.

 

[Agesilaus]

Good thread, make more posts so I can click the little brofist icons

 

[Binky]

4D Sports Boxing (1991)

Characters from Ecstatica and Alone in the Dark escaped and organized a boxing tournament. Special thanks to Taka-Haradin puolipeikko for bringing this baby to my attention. Like many others I played 4D Sports Driving/Stunts back in the day. Sadly, my friends and I never had the pleasure of bashing each other in this game. I really could have used my reflexes from back then today. And a joystick. The manual says that your boxer retires after about 40 fights in career mode. You start at rank number 51 and have to skip opponents if you want to face the champ. So... skipping fighters and not losing matches.

I watched computer-controlled fighters beat each other in exhibition mode to learn how they fight. Then I fought them in exhibition mode myself until I was certain I could beat them in career mode. Finally, I fought every fighter before Joe Blow (rank 28) before I started skipping. With practice, boosted stats, and avoiding guys I couldn't beat in exhibition mode, I clawed my way to the top 10. Before the top 10, I could knock people out in the first or second round. Now I had to punch them 14 3-minute rounds before beating them. 42 minutes for one dude. Crikey. I got to number 5 before deciding against getting carpal tunnel syndrome and stopped playing. Kudos to any of you that managed to knock the champ out.

There's a lot to like about this game. My favorite thing? The thud when they hit the canvas. And then you do a backflip.

Some practice career fights

Spoiler

"If he dies, he dies."

I was never able to beat this guy.

Head-body-head-body-backflip

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Look at this blocky-headed dude.

Fight me!

Honk, honk

Yo Adrian!

Spoiler

Had to punch this guy more than eleven hundred times. Fucking Rocky Balboa over here.

End of the line, beanpole.

AI fights

Spoiler

This Joe Blow dude's gotta be bugged. Guy hits like a truck.

The champ is dethroned! I'm sure he'd beat Crunch if there'd be 15 rounds, though.

I was right. Too much weights, not enough speedwork. Useless prick.

Jake "the Muss" Heke, Once Were Warriors (1994)

PS. It has less than 70 votes on the GOG community wishlist. Damn, that's low. Didn't think the game's so obscure.

 

[Binky]

Death Rally (1996)

In older, less civilized times, my friends and I would test our strength and skill against each other in a ritual called Wacky Wheels. It was a dark and brutish bloodsport where we controlled anthropomorphic animals that drove karts and threw hedgehogs at each other. There was a lot of laughter, gloating, anger, and punches being thrown. No quarter was asked or given.

The thrill of victory...

Spoiler

...and the agony of getting hit by a hedgehog

Close but no cigar, you straccitella lardass.

Sadly, bullying an AI-controlled panda just isn't the same. Therefore, I decided to quench my thirst for vehicular carnage in another game: Death Rally. I'm not much of a racer, but laying down mines, waiting in ambush, and riddling rival cars with bullets... well, that's more up my alley. Two things stand out: the underground market and the sponsors. The market provides sabotage, rocket fuel, spikes, mines, and loans. Used to hate the loanshark and almost never used him back in the day. Now? Hell, we were best buddies. Always had to have enough cash for mines and sabotage. I was happy, the loanshark was happy, the Grim Reaper was happy, the crowd was happy. Everybody was happy and all was well. The sponsors (the Grim Reaper being one of them) will occasionally offer you special tasks to perform, reward you when you do well, or berate and punish you when you crash and burn. These tasks really make the game more interesting and there should have been more of them and they should have been offered more frequently.

I made it my mission to not just beat the Adversary in the final race, but destroy him. Then reload and destroy him again and again. When that got old I took my fully upgraded Deliverator and entered the Easy races. All those drivers that rammed into and shot at my delicate Vagabond when I was a newbie? It was great seeing them again.

The race is not to the swift

Spoiler

Why would I answer no?

Blatant discrimination by a pillar of the racing community. I'm shocked and appalled.

Luck.

A thing of beauty.

I bruise easily.

Would you accept a sincere apology?

I like the cut of your jib.

Nor the battle to the strong

Spoiler

Guess Dan's Delightful Dildos will sponsor someone else now.

Hope he's insured.

But mines and bullets happeneth to them all

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Tragic.

I thought we were friends

 

[Binky]

Lula: The Sexy Empire (1998)

A criminal on the run and an oversexed blonde build an empire of smut.

The game has three parts.

1. The grimy pimp stage: The sleazy motel filming of porn, mugging, and blackmail.
2. The tedious office routine: Hire cigar-chomping dudes with assault rifles to fend off feminists, hire actors and actresses, and make sure there's enough lube for everyone.
3. The CEO stage: You plop down stores, fly between cities, and obsess over TPS reports.

Prolly the best thing about this game is the art. I only replayed the first stage where the art, humor, and short length make up for the simple gameplay. The other two are way too boring and repetitive for my taste. Then again, it's not exactly supposed to be a game that encourages deep thinking. It's a game about big bouncy tits and plenty of 'em.

Love me tender

Spoiler

Alcohol consumption can be hazardous to your health.

What big eyes you have

Spoiler

How 'bout we play chess instead?

A sad man in search of happiness.

The look of pure joy.

Gets me every time. If I ever got a letter like that, I'd pay them just for making me laugh.

 

[Binky]

Alien (1984)

First you choose either full game or the short scenario. Then you pick the alien strength: weak, intermediate, or "real" strength. The game is in real time and your time is limited. You have 7500 units of oxygen. Each crew member not dead or in cryosleep will use one unit per second. Tick tock. I haven't hated an UI like this since I played Shadow of the Horned Rat.

Full game starts when the alien bursts through the chest of a crew member - usually Dallas or Kane, sometimes Lambert. Three crew members start in the command center on the middle deck. The other three start in the mess hall on the upper deck. And then the fight to survive is on. Of those 6 surviving people, one is an android. The android is randomly chosen from the more stable crew members (Kane, Dallas, Parker, Ash). It will sabotage your attempts to kill the alien - it won't attack it, and it'll eventually turn on you when the time is right. Sometimes during battle with the alien, sometimes when the crew has been whittled down to a few survivors. This treacherous toaster even loses morale like the rest of the crew, so you can't easily identify it and destroy it before it stabs you in the back.

The short scenario starts with the three surviving crew members: Parker, Lambert, and Ripley. Your best (only?) chance to survive is to escape on the Narcissus with Jones the cat (it has to be caught with a net first). To successfully evacuate, the ship must be set to self-destruct, Jones and up to three others must be in the shuttle (without the alien), and everyone else must be dead. Otherwise, MOTHER won't let you leave.

The alien is tough, quick, deadly, and bleeds acid. If you shoot it with laser pistols, it will damage ship rooms. If room damage reaches 100%, the ship explodes. The beast will destroy things on the ship, so if you get a warning about an engine on fire, you have to go there and put it out or the ship will explode. The xeno can also destroy the shuttle.

I have the most success when I send the mess hall group to the armory and arm them with laser guns. The command center group I arm with two incinerators and send them to the lab stores to get the net. I give the net to one of the nervous crew members (Brett, Ripley, or Lambert). With luck, I net the alien when it attacks. Then I unload on the bug. The more crew members there are in a room when the alien attacks, the easier it is to hit. You can only have three people in one room at the same time.

I once lured the bug to an airlock and tried to space it. No dice. Maybe it has to be netted first.

Bring back lifeform

Spoiler

Here, kitty, kitty.

Crew expendable

Spoiler

Now youse can't leave.

Huzzah! Everyone made it.

Only managed to win with a weak alien so far. It would be a lot easier with a better UI or if the game was turn-based.

 

[Binky]

Dungeon Keeper (1997)

Damn it feels good to be a keeper. Driven by their prejudices, the so-called heroes (greedy, sanctimonious bands of murderers and thieves) assault your peaceful subterranean domain, try to kill your industrious denizens, and steal their hard-earned gold. Therefore, it is by the grace of the gods that we turn them into dog food. Or throw them into prison to reflect on their crimes until they rot. Or give them a guided tour of the torture chambers, where they can be convinced to see the error of their avaricious ways. I like to practice my spells and slaps on the imprisoned dopes. Nothing quite like turning giants into chickens, zapping barbarians, slapping fairies around, or dropping a fully healed hero into your lair to give your creatures some exercise. You benefit no matter what. Either their carcasses get dragged to the graveyard and hellhounds piss on them till you get a vampire, they die in prison and you get a skeleton, they die in the torture chambers and you get a ghost, or get converted to your side. Not to mention the gold they drop if they croak. They might as well come to your dungeon gift wrapped and with bow tied ribbon on their heads.

I once had a group of more than thirty level 10 skeletons to meet & greet the rest of the surface gang. Those long trap-filled corridors also serve to promote the virtue of hard and honest work instead of being shiftless, lazy, thieving adventurers. Want to steal my gold? Break down this door and its yours. Did I mention there's also a boulder trap on the other side? Must have slipped my mind. Hope you didn't neglect your cardio. "Your creatures are fighting amongst themselves!" So? Practice makes perfect. Training is one thing, an actual fight against a live opponent another. And if someone gets killed? Imps, drag this loser to the graveyard and prepare a warm welcome for our new vampire.

There comes a moment in SimCity where everything is great: your city is large and prosperous, the arcologies proudly tower over the landscape, and everyone is happy. The perfect time to unleash disasters. This can also be done in Dungeon Keeper. Train a Horned Reaper (preferably two) to level 10. Slap them around and let them go nuts in your dungeon. It is a sight to behold.

Some other features:
Nice intro
Richard Riddings narrating the makeover of the surface.
The pompous voices of the invading lords:


"The gods are pleased with your sacrifice."

Spoiler

Kinky.

It's nice to be among friends.

A backhand a day keeps frowns away.

Put some damn pants on.

"Beware! The lord of the land approaches!"

Chickens. All of them. Now.

"You have conquered this realm!"

Spoiler

Before

After

It's like evolution.

Hit somebody!

Best place to fight.

Should have been farmers instead, friends.

Don't you feel stupid now?

The Avatar's about to experience love and affection.

 

[Binky]

Headline Harry and The Great Paper Race (1991)

Playing Mad TV, I wondered if there's a game about being a journalist. Turns out there is. Learn a bit about US geography and history from the 1950s to 1980s. Your task is to put a tabloid out of business by getting the story first. First you have to find out what the story actually is. This is quite simple, really. After gathering some clues just enter a word in the key words section of your notebook. Got some info about the Ford company? Type "car." Word accepted? Congrats, you can focus on Ford and ignore the election, political protests, natural disasters, or UFO sightings. When you get enough info, you file the story, and write whatever title comes to mind.

Extra, extra! Read all about it!

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Publish and be damned

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Can I quote you on that?

Spoiler

 

[Binky]

Colorado (1990)

Fight Apache, Pawnee, Cheyenne, bears, wolves, eagles, and miners in search of Pocahontas' mine in Colorado. Jump, climb, shoot, stab, cut, trade, blow up rocks, go canoeing and smack hostile natives with a paddle till they smash into rocks. Strangely enough the most dangerous thing in this game aren't scalp-happy natives, greedy palefaces, or rabid wildlife. It's the environment. One false step and you fall into the river (Dances with Weasels can't swim) or off a cliff. Your enemies are dispatched with a rifle, knife, or axe. I'm fond of shooting them with a rifle then switching to the axe and going for their kneecaps. The rifle is single shot only, slow to reload, and powder is rare, so you can't just blast everyone you meet. If they have room to maneuver, melee enemies will try to dodge your shots, then close quickly and try to clobber you. Rarely used the knife. Was way too weak. You need two things to finish the game: a silver bullet to kill the gray wolf, and a medallion to give to the chief at the end. Both can be obtained by bringing stuff to friendly natives (a pipe and a papoose). Occasionally, you'll camp and can save your game at that time. Sometimes you can exit the screen on the upper or lower part - leading to different places. Usually, this can be clearly seen (a path). Other times, not so much.

Manifest destiny

Spoiler

Nicest hat in the entire game.

Gun beats knife, friend.

No liquor trading with the natives

Spoiler

Gun beats bow, pal.

Huh?

Man vs. tree. Tree wins.

Not a buffalo in sight

Spoiler

Gun beats fang, fleabag.

Grew?

Don't lose your weapons. Or kill people who give you items needed to beat the game. They won't drop anything - once shot the guy who gives you the silver bullet by accident. The controls are a bit stiff, which is awkward when you're trying to switch from gun to axe and Scalps with a Smile is closing fast.

 

[Binky]

Champion of the Raj (1991)

Six factions fight to rule India and end the Thug menace: England, France, Mughals, Gurkhas, Sikhs, and Marathas. Investing in weaponry improves your armies. You go from disorganized rabble to well-trained infantry, war elephants, cavalry, and finally artillery. Investing in industry increases your tax income as does investing in law, along with reducing the chance for a rebellion. The more states you possess the more it costs you to raise the empire average. For example, Gurkhas start with only one province, but are so advanced they can easily beat the cowardly mob of the much larger Mughals. You can get states in different ways. You can support a rebellion when the event comes up, you can use diplomacy and either win an elephant race or have a successful tiger hunt, or you can conquer it. Here comes the downside: it's too easy. If you capture a capital province (or all port cities in case of England/France) and then successfully storm the palace in an arcade sequence, you gain every state the enemy has. In theory, you can win the game with only one battle.

Uh-oh. Looks like Pierre's in trouble.

Two battles later.

You can let the AI fight the battles or you can do it yourself. Although I dislike arcade sequences, storming the Mughal palace with the Maratha prince was entertaining. Your portly turbaned chap shooting other portly turbaned chaps.

Great idea, execution leaves much to be desired.

Make the world England

Spoiler

Ayo Gurkhali

Spoiler

India is such an excellent setting for RPGs, strategies, or adventures. Shame it's barely used in games. You've got Jainism, Hinduism, Buddhism, Sikhism, Islam, and Christianity. Millennia of civilization, empires, architecture, culture, wars, all sorts of cults, the works. An Impressions-type city builder, Expeditions: East India Company, anything. A man can dream.

 

[Taka-Haradin puolipeikko]

India is such an excellent setting for RPGs, strategies, or adventures. Shame it's barely used in games.

Someone made this couple years back:


I'm still hoping that Expedition-series goes there.

 

[Binky]

Random C64 mix

Ole! (1985). A bullfighting game. Fancy that. Simple but entertaining.

Spoiler

Danger Mouse in the Black Forest Chateau (1984) is one of the first adventure games I ever played. Occasionally amusing but has way too much backtracking.

Spoiler

Before Eric Chahi made a game about a soda-guzzling, Ferrari-driving scientist who blasts aliens, he helped make Infernal Runner (1985). Pretty damn gory for the time. Your guy dies in many horrific ways during his quest to escape. He gets burned, electrocuted, impaled, crushed, beaten, chopped, and has his head blown up. He also starves to death if he doesn't get food. And if he manages to escape? He gets run over by an ambulance. Guy can't catch a break.

Spoiler

 

[Binky]

Kim

There's also Unrest. Played both of 'em.

God's holy trousers.

 

[Binky]

The Rise & Rule of Ancient Empires (1996)

An attempt to rival Civilization by Impressions Games. It has nice art and a decent OST (Indian theme, Northern theme, etc.), a focus on Ancient history, and some great ideas. Unfortunately, it's also boring and repetitive. Diplomacy is useless, there's no espionage, you can only win through warfare, and combat itself is a massive slog. Always nice to see Celts, Indians, and Mesopotamians in a game. Units can starve, cities can rebel. Research in a city unlocks different units and buildings. Discoveries made in one city are not automatically shared with other cities in your empire. You can either research everything in every city or you can use philosophers to share knowledge between cities. The philosophers can also build roads and cultivate the land when combined with soldiers.

All in-game videos

Leaders & main map

Spoiler

Fully developed cities

Spoiler

...except this one.

 

[Binky]

It Came from the Desert (1989)

Radiation from a crashed meteor caused the humble ants to grow to a pretty impressive size. As the resident egghead, it's your job to come up with a way to invent a giant boot or bug spray. Well, no. First you have to gather evidence that giant ants exist and convince the yokels of Lizard Breath that action needs to be taken, pronto. Then you can rally your army of cops, construction workers, soldiers, and hicks with pitchforks. Finally, you find the nest and blow the ant queen to Timbuktu. The game only gives you the option to eradicate them and not domesticate them. I can think of so many uses where giant ants would come in handy. Construction, demolition, entertainment, warfare, transport,... Not one scientist mentions ants with frikkin' laser beams. No farmer says how useful it would be to move hay bales or plow fields with a giant ant. The army guy remains silent about invading Canada or Mexico on the backs of giant ants. It's just sad.

Not much in the way of gameplay. Hated that hospital minigame the most. However, the game is original and entertaining... and you can also mess around a bit. Have a plane you can fly? Clearly, the only answer is to crash it into your house. Giant ants strolling 'round? The perfect time to engage in road battles and knife fights with local greasers. It's also mandatory to let a mobster's former squeeze screw you so hard it lands you in the hospital.

Nothing ever happens here

Spoiler

Just another day on the farm.

Wholesome family fun

Spoiler

Home sweet home

A sexual marathon happened, ma'am. That girl's insatiable.

Pogonomyrmex rugosus 0, Homo sapiens 1

Spoiler

Get some!

Time for life to go back to normal in Lizard Breath.

Now let someone do a game about Tremors.

 

[Zed Duke of Banville]

Posting screenshots from an EGA PC port rather than the Amiga original: