santino27
Arcane
- Joined
- Oct 1, 2008
- Messages
- 2,786
Timeslip This looks great, but just fyi, there are some typos/grammatical errors in both the written note and the infodump on the mafia which Taka-Haradin puolipeikko posted
Thanks for letting me know. Have a bad habit of editing after the text has been pasted from the word processor. Will run through it again. If you want to let me know what's wrong, please do
No problem.
In the handwritten journal note:
* "...beating the life out of an alcoholic..."
* "doesn't bring all it home" should probably be "doesn't bring it all home"
In the mafia text:
* "Reiker's gangs: blackmail, human trafficing, 'insurance' rackets, financial crime, smuggling, organized theft, and assassination, to name a few." -- Nothing egregious about this sentence, but I think adding the "and" makes it flow better with the ending dependent clause "to name a few"
* "To support these activities, they field enforcers as strong arms, hit men, and made men as troop leaders". Are they fielding enforcers as strong arms and hit men, or are they fielding enforcers as strong arms and hit men/made men as troop leaders? This sentence doesn't make it clear.
* "More numerous than the survivalists, the Mafia's strengths is their versatility…" There are two problems here... First, the sentence construction is a bit weird and makes it seem like you're saying the mafia's strengths are more numerous than the survivalists', where I think you're trying to say the Mafia itself has more people than the survivalists? Secondly, 'strengths' is plural, but you only list one strength and (correctly) use the singular form of 'to be': is. I'd change strengths to strength, and maybe look at tweaking the whole sentence to something like "With greater numbers than the survivalists, the Mafia's strength lies in their versatility..." Or, given that you've already mentioned both the survivalists and cultists in the previous paragraph, you could just skip the numbers comparison and go straight into the mafia's strength and weakness. ("The Mafia's strength is their...")
I quite like the voice you have going in the handwritten journal note.
Hope that's helpful. Some of it is a bit pedantic, admittedly, and I think you can get away with a lot more in the journal entries, because that's a person writing in their own voice. The info screens, on the other hand, should be as clear and coherent as possible.