Meanwhile in Asanon.
WHERE IS YOUR SNAKE GOD NOW? BITCH!
That's enough, Jesse. We made our point, and now it's time to negotiate. What did Gaelinia say to our offer?
What? You mean surrendering Cracklands to Tecaburg? They cannot do it now, you see.
And why is that?
Because as soon as we made our generous offer in public, Calgaya invaded Cracklands the same fucking moment!
SON OF A BITCH! What kind of man does this kind of shit?!
Their nation is mostly populated by monkeys.
And they what, think that Heisenberg will just stand aside, watching them putting ape dicks in my business? That won't happen! I want EVERY armed man in the world to receive my message.
TO ALL NATIONS OF THE WORLD
From this moment and forth, TECABURG offeres gold and
meth MAGIC GEMS reward for every Calgayan fortification being successfully captured. If you besieged one of Calgayan forts, send a note to Heisenberg. The reward consists of:
- 300 gold pounds (please send a notice in ADVANCE, at least the month you plan to storm the fort, in order to avoid the waiting)
- 10 gems of your choosing. Pick your poison: earth, water, air and astral.
- Bracers of Protection that LORD HUMUNGUS himself used to wear.
They didn't protect him too well, but
The one who captures the CAPITAL of Calgaya will receive:
- 500 gold pounds
- 20 gems of your choosing (earth, water, air, astral)
- A POWERFUL ARTIFACT called the Wave Beaker! Women will reproduce you for simply possessing this thing!
Put aside your quarrels, people of the desert. This holy war, this CRUSADE is something that we MUST accomplish. We have to unite to face the global threat. The manapes of Calgaya don't just attack randomly, but instead they try to conquer the main tourist attractions, also known as Thrones. It's in their ape nature. Neither me, nor you want this to happen, because in case it will - your whole CULTURE will be lost. Replaced.
Dreaad. Iron Man, do you want your people to go ahead and forget Cheburashka and his heroic death? His noble sacrifice? Do you want them to worship ape god instead?
KoolNoodles. Samwise Gamgee, you and your fishy followers like food, don't they? Well, you are about to BECOME food. FOR APES!
Caul Shivers. Cardinal Biggles, let's call this even. You killed my champion and mocked him, and I killed your god and restored the dignity of my Empire. You can have Asanon back - I won't leave any defences inside or outside. Whether you understand it or not, you and I are on the same side.
But worst of all, if we don't crush monkeys now, people all over the world will stop
worshi using meth. Do you want to live in a world without meth?
MEN! LET US CRUSH OUR ENEMY AND FEAST ON HIS UNGODLY REMAINS! JOIN MY CRUSADE NOW, OR WATCH ME DOMINATE THE GLOBAL THREAT ON MY FUCKING OWN!
Heisenberg, Lord of the Final Abyss.
That was unnecessarily dramatic.
Shut up. We got crystal to cook.