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It wasn't by her own volition. She HAD to return. :sighs wearily:
Anyhow, the promised interview template.
1. We'll start with this classic:
Only of course instead of the word gay, we'll use "elf". It's not like they aren't synonymous anyway. So something along those lines:
- Why are you an elf?
- Who says I am an elf?
- But you're an elf. You are a transgressor. Treehugger? Leaf-licker?
2. Continue with Paxo
Now what we'll do here is we'll ask her - "Did you betray your own race?". Repeatedly. Like, 14 times or so. Like Paxman did, bless his soul. Hammer the renegade bitch right proper.
3. Crown it with some Oscar-worthy exchange
Now this is the tricky part. We're going to try and get a line, if not an outright admission. Double edged questions like "Would you do it again today?" and "If you were to win an upcoming war against elves, does it mean you're no longer a war criminal?", or "What would be the political cost for Redlabored (I assume the other kingdoms wont take too kindly) to offer you shelter and potentially an official position?" should work fine, methinks. It's hard to do follow-up questions without knowing her answers, mayhaps she's going to admit it all halfway through and start sobbing, who knows.
All those talks of dissent... Would the sacrifice of my love (and Baud, don't forget him, never forget him, he stood with her until the end) be in vain as the fortress descend in anarchy? What should I do? Daddy is useless here, he won't take any stance, too busy drinking. And I'm all alone, while Unib rests in a cold grave... At least I think Baud would stick up for Grimwulf and do some propaganda like this:
I can't compose propaganda pictures to save my life, I spent a long time trying to fit the various elements together and at the end, I threw everything away and just modified one I found. I tried to imitate the composition of this picture, but it just didn't work. Citizen's one is way better in that regard.
1st Limestone, 126, Early Autumn
Redlabored, Kommissar's Quarters
We can expect 8 babies in Autumn, Kommisar Grimwulf.
EIGHT?! This is a disaster! HOW do they find time for SEX with our lack of beds and all that work left unfinished??
Are you quite sure about that number, doctor?
Of course I am! Unless the Gods intervene. Gods hate children, as all of you surely know.
I want to punish someone for no reason. SPIGOT!
WHAT?!
The newspaper says you are the one to blame for our current sorry state. I tend to agree. It is your fault we had to seal ourselves, and it was YOUR booze that caused so many pregnancies in my fortress! The komrades will decide your fate during elections.
This is all nonsense. regardless of any completely unrelated punishment, I plan to run for Broker again during the next elections, and I think most dwarfs appreciate RESULTS. both of these dopes will just be the new Azira, completely worthless. I get RESULTS, like that time I got some clothes, nuts and a lion tamarin for FREE from some traders of indeterminate race.
I can relate to that. In the end, results are the only measure of a dwarf's competence.
Don't even get me fucking STARTED, Hailey! If I was a ship, YOU would be the goddamn anchor!
Some ships need to be held in place if you know what I mean.
I don't. Now get out and undo your sabotage! MAKE THIS FORTRESS WORK, YOU GIANT HELLISH TURTLE! GO!!
*walks outside with an evil smile*
Kalin! You draft every old, crippled, and retarded dwarf into the military, not to mention they are all COWARDS! But drafting a newborn baby is crossing the line!
Sheeesh! Aways pesturing me! Franky can dual-weld axe an babby, but ya know... Im feelin genruz... FINE, Imma let her go.! Won evan ask for replays dorf, so how abaut u owe me DOUBLE favore now? Gud deal rite there!
No favors for you. You have yet to prove yourself.
But you'll be thrilled to know I've designed a prison. *unrolls a scroll with schemes on his table*
Look at this shit, Kalin. Look!
Feh. Not enuff prisun cells.
Each one will hold two prisoners, two beds, one chair, and one water well. And chains, naturally. Which makes this prison capable of holding 32 inmates in total.
Water wells WHEN?
DAMMIT, Psychoo! I had a special moment here, thinking about prisons and inmates! You ruined it.
Meanwhile in Andnjord's Workshop
*forging copper picks* Such a waste of my talents...
Andnjord, my noble friend!
Greetings, o powerful one. How was the meeting?
As usual. Kommissar prefers loud screaming to effective leadership.
I see. What now? Are we going to focus on Redlabored?
On the contrary. I will assign new miners and order them to dig deeper. That way we can equip our loyalists with better weapons. And keep the lower tier for the KKK brigade
Our loyalists..?
*crawls outside from a wooden bin nearby*
Lizzurd is one of us.
Kek.
Why were you hiding in a bin?
My daughter is hunting me.
Are you with us, Andnjord? Are you ready to overthrow Kommissar Grimwulf?
MAIDAN!
I cannot in good conscience betray my Kommissar and the laws of Redlabored. But since you did set up my smithy, I won't inform the Kommissar of your betrayal either. Just... leave me out of this. *walks away*
... Disappointing.
Yes.
What is "Maidan" anyway?
Wanted to name my daughter Maidan.
Maidan Soakedbush. Kek.
My wife insisted to name her Rigoth Beantomb instead. You get it, yes? Beantomb? As in, tomb for my beans? No?
... Anyway, we have much work to do before the upcoming elections. We must convert as many komrades as possible to our cause. Redlabored has been tortured by Grimwulf for too long. It's time for Kalin to replace him.
I support you, Helly. Kalin is a surely a better Kommissar thфn Grimwulf! You may not be perfect but only you know how to manage the fortress properly. And Kalin? He is the only one around here who is actually doing something to defend the kommunity. Kekeke
Later that day
Redlabored, 21 levels below the ground
*mining downwards*
*approaching the miners*
*wipes the sweat from his forehead* Huh? What are you doing here, Sukhavati?
*raises pickaxe* What do you think?
Helly sent you to the mines again?
Nothing surprises me at this point. Make way. *starts mining*
I was assigned as a miner too.
*ignoring Lithium Flower*
Traitors should be executed. Not sentenced to working in the mines. *spits and turns away*
...
HALT!
What's wrong?
Step back. MOVE!
*step away from Tindrli*
*carefully picks away at the wall of dacite*
Tindrli..?
*thud, thud, thud*
As much as I'd like to stay here and watch this magnificent dwarf swinging his pick and sweating like a gays-- geyser, can anyone explai-- Oh, God.
*the rock wall in front of him crumbles, revealing a whole new world*
Well, I'll be damned.
*looks around*
What's that?
Something Grimwulf wouldn't like, I wager.
We must tread carefully. I see a lot of spiderwebs. And animal remains.
Helly ordered us to dig deeper and search for metals. She said nothing about caverns.
What are you implying?
We seal the entrance and proceed to dig deeper.
Shouldn't we check the caverns first? Maybe we'll find metals there?
No. I see schist, some graphite, and gems.
Honestly, I would not tarry in this place. Can't you hear those echoes from down below..?
Our orders are clear. I will keep digging. Yes. That's what I'll do.
4th Limestone, 126, Early Autumn
The Outpost, Dining Room
*drinking merrily, having a lively discussion*
What I'm saying is, we are sealed, and I'm fine with that - but what if someone knocks on those gates?
Can't we simply ask who's there?
If it is an elven spy, he would say anything. "Hi, I am Litast the Axedwarf, I came visiting! Please open the gates?"
I don't remember seeing anything quite like that before. So this is a visitor. Which isn't uncommon.
But that's not what raises my brow. Look at this dwarf:
What dwarf, you ask? THIS dwarf:
No, she is not standing on the same tile with a random bush. The bush MOVES AROUND along with the dwarf.
I admit it's been some time since I last played DF. But I honestly don't remember shit like that happening.
Couldn't find anything strange about this visitor. Looks like a regular dwarf equipped for battle.
Maybe a bit taller than us. And incredibly skinny. Walking around covered in leaves.
Waaaait.
*Grimwulf gained +3753 points to elven paranoia*
Sorry, I'm bad at making elf impressions.
Have you heard that our miners found a sprawling cavern layer?
Yes. I've drawn a picture for Helly, depicting my feeling on our relentless mining. But I'm too afraid of her to show it.
You can give it to me. I'll pass it to Helly when I see her.
Okay. Thank you. And, uh, don't mention my name.
*looks at the drawing* Interesting.
Chaosdwarft, friend, you should stop believing in fairy tales. If we dig too deep, the only thing we'll see is the magma layer, not literal Hell full of demons.
...
*enters the room*
Kommissar! Come have a drink with us.
Aye, I'll have a drink all right. But YOU will git back TO WORK! Also, you there! Angrgrgr--
Andnjord.
YES, YOU! Take this order list. I want it done before Sandstone!
Found some use for the gold we mined.
Kommissar, if you don't mind me asking, are you making this for Kalin?
WHAT, no! Are you stupid? That's for me.
Hommm, are you planning to walk around Redlabored clad in full suit of gold armor?
Aye.
Sooo, shall we call you God-Emperor of Dwarfkind?
Kommissar will suffice for now.
Ahem. May I suggest you consider the negative impact on your, well, popularity..?
Enough small talk, GO MAKE ME SOME ARMOR, damn you!
Meanwhile in the Barracks
*looks at the silver war warhammer* He he he he he. Kalin da WITCHAR!
Pfff... what a poser.
Oh yeh? Rainhard gets secund silver hammah just as FAK YOU! Logo get big fat NUTHIN! Melt da coppa hammah down or sum sheit, diz fuck is on permunant wrestle duty!
Oh yeah? Well, I'm leaving the military to pursue my dream of creating great metal works of art. What now, you phony poser?!
WOT NAW? I'll show ye wot naw, ye ffff-- *power-walks towards Lagole Gon*
Ok, wait--
*proceeds to beat the living shit out of Lagole*
You can't really call it a "spar" - none of us can stand against you, Kommander.
HAD ENUFF YET?! HUH?!
St-sto--
*keeps BASHING*
Only Brother Frank was able to fight on par with Kalin.
Well, she's gone now. Someone has to raise little Doren.
*lies on the floor sobbing*
Shall we call for Kommanding Physician?
Nah. Here's a better idea - why don't we go on adventure? I've heard there is a medical manual nearby, one that doctor Azira could really appreciate.
What say you, Kommandorf Kalin?
Okay then.
Looking at this makes me realize, in case of real combat most of us will die without putting up a fight...
9th Limestone, 126, Early Autumn
The Outpost, Helly's Office
That concludes my mental condition report. Overall, the dwarves are unhappy at best. If you don't address their needs and provide at least basic accommodations, we'll have to deal with mental breaks. Soon.
Thank you, my insightful therapist. Your professional opinion will be taken into account.
*glances at the order list lying on Helly's desk* Shouldn't you put your signature on it?
As you can see, the orders are waiting for Helly's approval. The list won't be put into production until she approves it. And I have no idea what causes the hold-up. We have the resources, both weapon- and armorsmith (Andnjord does both jobs for the time being), the smithy, you name it.
Looks like Grimwulf won't get his gold armor suit, and the Prolebashers will be left without copper weapons for the time being. Thanks, Helly.
In case some you DF nerds wondering where are the rest of the orders like barrels and basalt blocks - I don't normally use the manager for repeating production tasks. When you give the order to produce, let's say, barrels repeatedly via the manager menu, then, as soon as you run out of wood, you'll get spammed by "failed to craft wooden barrel - can't find wood log" messages. The order itself won't be canceled, and your dwarves will keep searching for wood logs, even if there is none.
Instead, I prefer to assign repeated production orders directly, via workshop menu.
This way the order will cancel itself as soon as we run out of raw materials. Which is exactly what I want.
No need to worry about Kommissar's order list, my friend. Instead, why don't we talk about the Kommissar himself?
Meanwhile
Redlabored, 38 levels below the ground
Tindrli?
*keeps mining*
Don't bother our legendary miner, traitor. He is a loyal dwarf with a strong sense of duty. A quality you'll never have or even understand.
I only meant to ask why did we stop digging deeper?
Focus on the current layer. Follow the tetrahedrite vein.
Aren't we supposed to search for iron ores?
No luck with iron so far. Tetrahedrite can be smelted into copper. Copper armor is better than no armor.
Don't question his decisions, you treacherous elven agent!
*sigh* Is there a problem, Givi?
Yes, there is. You are my problem. In fact, you are everyone's problem - Redlabored will be better off without you.
Just like that? No discussion, no questions, no critical thinking? Not something I expected from the author of "The Sea Knows".
... Are you familiar with my work then?
Your poems are rather vicious. "Shank And the Stunted Deaths" is my favorite.
Ah, yes, I remember those days. Still had it in me back then.
What changed?
I... don't want to discuss it, especially with you. But now that you mentioned it... *grumbles* Now, normally I wouldn't waste my time talking to you but considering the current competition in the business of journalism...
Come again?
An interview for the local newspaper. Here and now. What say you, traitor?
I would prefer not to be called "traitor", thank you.
Why are you an elf?
Who says I am an elf?
But you're an elf.
15 minutes later.
I think we're done here. *turns away from Lithium Flower*
Hold. Right. There. *grabs Givi by the shoulder*
Careful now. I am a professional wrestler. Dwarves from Goldsect called me Givi the Bodybender.
*approaches Lithium Flower* Givi, need some help plunging a pick in that traitor's skull?
You are treating me as if I'm Smunstu Guileghouls.
Who?
Out late King Dumat's grandson. Now a high-standing official of a goblin civilization that destroyed Girderjoyous not so long ago.
Right. That demon-worshipping dwarf who lives in Kingdomstole.
You cannot compare yourself to Smunstu Guileghouls. His father Olin Vesselfuture was abducted by goblins at the age of 3. Smunstu himself was born in the goblin fortress. One could say he wasn't a dwarf, to begin with.
... How do you know so much?
*shrugs* A massive dark fortress is sitting right next to our capital. If I didn't know the details, I would be a horrible journalist.
Guileghouls is a scumbag, but he never had a choice other than committing suicide.
A dwarf raised by a demon who made it to the top of goblin hierarchy and managed to hold this position for almost 100 years now.
Liar, murderer, bribe-taker, despite his royal bloodline (his father was Queen Bomrek's elder brother who was supposed to inherit the crown).
Smunstu is probably the most corrupt dwarf in the Land of Vision.
You, on the other hand, betrayed everything the dwarfendom stands for.
13th Limestone, 126, Early Autumn
The Outpost
Boy, if you want a bite of that juicy piece of deer brain - you gotta work for it!
No? Want to eat mushrooms your whole life?
Amateur.
Hmm? Says who?
Fedora Master. Wearing fedoras, master with dogs. And m'ladies.
Fancy yourself a beast trainer, eh?
A master trainer, obviously, but you don't need my level of expertise in order to understand that spaniels cannot be trained for war.
HAH! The most idiotic thing I heard in me life! Watch and learn, fancy boy!
*throws a piece of deer brain in Fedora Master's face*
*piece gets stuck in the beard*
GETTID, BOY!!
BARK!! *jumps at Fedora Master*
WAAAAH!
Meanwhile in the Dining Room
Hommmm, did you notice anything out of ordinary this morning?
What, the newspaper? I know! Someone puts them under every male dwarf's pillow while we sleep.
What kind of dwarf would creep on a sleeping komrade at night? And put something under the pillow?
Beats me. Disturbing, to say the least.
I overheard you talking. Curious.
Ah, Bingo-Bongo! Good thing we met. I wanted to discuss a private matter if you--
The newspaper. Show!
Here. Skip the front page, though. It's about that traitor.
*reading the article about ongoing political crisis* Worrisome.
Anyway, about that private matter. You are charged with supplying the Hospital, correct? Let's say you need a certain amount of thread and 200 dirty socks. Now, I know a dwarf who knows a dwarf who's very good at this supplying thing.
Sometimes you'll end up with 20 socks instead of 200, but who counts? As long as everything's fine on paper it's all good, right? Right.
And you know what's the best part of this arrangement? Those socks can fetch you a good price on the market. Let's discuss the details, shall we? I want my 80% cut as the middle-man, you take 5% for your discretion and keeping Azira out of this. My supplier gets the rest.
I knit the socks myself.
Not to mention your whole proposal sounds corrupt at best.
... Can you at least take a look at my member? There is something gross growing on the tip.
13th Limestone, 126, Early Autumn
Sometimes I miss Tekkud Actionbridge. Chatting with him was both relaxing and insightful. But now, even if he comes back, our gates are sealed.
We could really use some trading, especially now, after Spigot gained some experience at it.
Robbing those elves was a terrible miscalculation on his part. One mistake, and everything he achieved no longer counts. But such is the nature of Kommunism, I guess.
23rd Limestone, 126, Early Autumn
Redlabored, Stone District
*tries to cut basalt blocks, but fails due to constant coughing and arm-shaking*
CUTTINGWOUNDS!
Kom-- *coguhs* missa--AAKHA KHA KHA
I need at least 2000 blocks before Winter! WORK FASTAR!
We don't actually have 1489 basalt blocks. We have 1103 ready for use + 386 we used for constructing Kommissar's Quarters, Kalin's Barracks and other structures + 1 random sandstone block (don't ask)
*spits something terribly thick and yellow* Oh, Shoduk... I'm not feeling we-- GH-KHA *starts coughing again*
That reminds me. I want you to check on Armgore and Liberal. I gave the order to forge Kommissar's armor almost a month ago - WHY AM I NOT GLORIOUS YET?!
Meanwhile in Andnjord's Workshop
Fan the flames! Mold the metal! We are raising an army.
Kek. *melts gold nuggets, sweating from the heat*
Any news from our miners?
They found copper vein down below, but it's already exhausted, yes? Yes.
Ugh, the indignity of working with copper. Must not give in to depression. We might obtain silver from the ores they mined down there.
I need you to produce metal bars faster, Lizzurd.
Maybe change your mind on Helly's anti-Grimwulf campaign? No?
I won't participate in this lowly uprising. And neither should you!
Nothing wrong with backstabbing dwarves who ask for it. Yes.
Lizzurd, normally I wouldn't care, but you are like a monstrous son of mine. If my wife was a horrible reptile and I had no respect for myself, that is.
Thanks. Kek. Also, I'm older than you.
You need to t--
*enters the room* Grimw-- *starts coughing*
What is it, Catacombs?
GHA-KHA
Hurrrrrrrrr, KHA
KHHHHHHHHA kha hhhhhhhhhrrrrrrrrrrr
27rd Limestone, 126, Early Autumn
Redlabored, 50 levels below the ground
*all covered in sweat* I am a dwarf, and I'm usually comfortable with being underground. But something about this place doesn't sit well with me.
Thou shalt nor fear! We will dig deeper than any dwarf ever dared to! Do you know what they say about depth and digging?
No. And I'd rather n--
It's only scary at the start. Once you plunge your pick firmly, the rest of the process will go naturally.
... Yes, that's exactly what I didn't want to know.
This layer contains galena. We'll stay here for now.
Great.
Galena? Can we smelt it into iron?
No. Only lead and silver. Keep mining. Stay focused.
*thrusts her spear again* You talk in your sleep, you know?
*blocks with a shield* Ye tulk while trainun, YE KNO?
This night you were mumbling something about bonaz and Baud.
I can confirm. You were also flailing your arms at the air like crazy.
I wus havin' a BUD DRIM, ok?
Must have been a really bad one.
...
Meanwhile in Helly's Office
*kicks open the door*
Aahhh, my favourity br--
DO YOU WANT TO FUCKING KILL US, HELLY?! ENOUGH!!! Give me back the FUCKING keys!
Calm down, Sp--
KEYS, YOU SHIT-EATER - GIVE THEM BACK, I SAID!
Sit-eta?
YES, Melbil! Your demonic mother EATS SHIT! And YOU will be DRINKING PISS soon, want to know why?! BECAUSE THERE IS NOTHING LEFT TO DRINK!
Nutin
That's right! NOT A DAMN THING! Because your hellspawn of a mother canceled the industry and locked MY FUCKING STILL! MY! STILL!
*maintains her composure with a noticeable effort* We must focus on other activities and l--
WHAT god fucking ACTIVITIES are you blabberin' about?!
Hauling--
WE HAVE NO STORAGES to haul to because you STOPPED digging out REDLABORED!
Construct--
WE'VE BUILD EEEEVRYTHIIING!! FINISHED KOMMISSAR'S FARKIN' QUARTERS THREE MONTHS AGO! We got nothing else to construct because you STOPPED DIGGING OUT REDLABORED!
Metalw--
ENOUGH! If you don't hand over the keys to MY STILL, I will go and break the FUCKING DOORS!
Vandalism is a punishable offense. You don't have the balls, old bear.
Hold. Mah. Beard. *power-walks towards the Still*
10 minutes later
*SLAMS his body at the door repeatedly* COME ON!!
*endures*
*SLAMS again with ALL the strength he has left, but fails to take it down*
*approaching Spigot*
*panting*
It's no use. I made this door.
He he he, da managur reported on ye, Spiggy. CAUGHT ON DA KRIME SCEN!
Fuck you, Kalin! You don't know shit!
I know ye'll get punishd for dat.
Bah! The boss already said I'll be punished during next elections. I got nothing to lose.
Ye'll be workin' in da mines until Wintah.
As if I give two shits. None of us will survive this long. WE'RE OUT OF BOOZE, YOU DIPSHITS!
Surely we have enough to last us until Winter?
We don't.
Gotta have to drink water then.
Good luck sneaking in Helly's office and pulling that lever. Because it's the only way you can open those gates and get to the water source.
Grab a pik and hed down to da mines. Or I'll MAKE ya doet!
*grabs a pickaxe and heads down, swearing all the way*
8th Sandstone, 126, Mid-Autumn
Redlabored, Entrance Area
Hey, Chaosdwarft!
General... Secret-- ar...
Are you okay? You look pale.
Drink... Please.
Yeah, we're out of drinks. Some dwarves stashed away some booze for personal consumption, but... Here, take mine.
Thank you.
Damn. We can't go on like this. Time to pay the Kommissar a visit.
Later that day
Redlabored, Stone District
Deadfall traps don't really work against deers.
Depends on the weight and angle. If you apply the force properly--
It's not about force or angle. You simply don't know how clever those manhunting fuckers really are.
We can do spikes. Better yet, dwarven shotguns.
Want to know my idea? Flaming bolts.
Hmm.
Always dreamed of going on a deer hunt armed with a crossbow and flaming bolts.
Active hunting is not my thing. I prefer trapping. The act of murder is more devious this way.
Aye, but where is the glory in that?
*walking towards Kommissar and Dayyalu*
What now?
No booze.
I asked the Kommanding Physician to come with me and explain the situation.
No booze means we'll die of thirst.
Thank you for your explanation.
So what? We'll respawn and continue working.
That's the attitude! Although I don't believe in respawn.
In that case, my official recommendation is taking action immediately.
What exactly do you mean by "no booze"?
One, maybe two days - and you won't find a single drop of alcohol in Redlabored.
Where THE HELL is Spigot?!
Breaking his back in the mines.
Then make SOMEONE work that DAMN still!
It's locked. Helly's orders.
WHAT?! I'm gonna find dat giant, cock-wielding, baby-tossin', tree-cuttin'--
I suggest you postpone conversations with Helly. I tried to perform a routine examination on her recently, and, well... Look, you and I really need to talk, but it can wait. Let's do something about the thirst situation. Without involving Helly into this.
I'll just go... *walks away*
What do you expect me to do, smartass?
Open the gates.
The gate lever is in the manager's office, genius.
There is another way.
Which is?
Explore the caverns.
What caverns?
*sigh* Long story short, our miners revealed expansive caverns underneath.
Aren't they digging out Redlabored?
No.
Grimwulf, get a grip!
What in ungodly elven arse is happening to my fortress?
The caverns are currently sealed. Shall I give the order to break down the wall?
This is fucking surreal. I'm going to Holly.
NO!!
WHY NOT, DAMN YOU?!
It was her idea all along. Something treacherous is happening in Redlabored right now. I don't know who's standing behind this conspiracy and who can we trust, but one thing is for certain - Helly is with them.
The HELL are you talking about?
Let's just say I managed to squeeze some revelations from Helly during a candle procedure. Candles never lie.
Don't trust anyone, Kommissar. Spigot tried to resolve the situation by brute force, but alas, he failed.
If you come begging Helly to do something about booze shortage, she will later interpret the whole situation as your fault, while painting herself as the savior.
STILL NOT MAKING ANY SENSE!
Alright. Here is what we gonna do. Give the order to unseal the caverns. Send the Prolebashers to explore. Sooner or later they will find an underground lake or some other water source. Then we're golden.
It will help us survive until elections, at least.
What if they find hostile wildlife underground? Are they ready?
... Not really. No armor at all.
Their best fighter, Brother Frank, is currently on vacation.
And most of them are armed with wooden weapons.
Because Andnjord is too busy forging golden armor for you.
Just give the damn order, Grim.
... Break the seal. Send the Prolebashers to the caverns.
You've made the right key choice. *about to walk away*
Azira.
Mm?
Still no babies born this Autumn.
Baby boom is coming, trust your Kommanding Physician. The babies are always being born at the worst possible moment.
9th Sandstone, 126, Mid-Autumn
Redlabored, Stone District
YE REHDY, PRULBASHAS?!
*grumble*
Oh, CUM on! SMASHIN' da livin' shit outta cave turtles gunna b fun.
*looks at his shoddy wooden axe sadly*
*looks at his bare hands in frustration*
Yeah... Fun...
FEH! Wish Brudda Frenk wus here to fakken listan to ya whining. Gotta lead ye mahself now, ffs. REINYHAT!
*trembles in fear*
Ye'll go first.
B-but why?
Gotta work fo dat silvar hammar, baby.
N-no. Please, Kommander!
GO, YA BITCH!! *kicks Reinhardt's butt a BIT too hard*
HNNNNG!
Seriously?
*cries*
You'll do anything to avoid battle. Gods! *rolls eyes*
I-I need a vacation!
Oh, ye? FUKK YOU! But FINE, you may stay in da rear formashun.
Kommandorf Kalin! Let me go first!
Nah. Stukus, ye got dat bronze spear Spiggy bought from da hoomans - ye lead.
... Yes, Kommander.
10th Sandstone, 126, Mid-Autumn
The Caverns
Clear!
*enter the caverns and lock the door behind*
Someone should stay here and guard the door. I volunteer.
Shut it, Mark. We go south. Stukus, go ahed. Imma rite behind ya.
Aye aye, Kommander.
*mumbles* So many animal remains here...
12th Sandstone, 126, Mid-Autumn
The Caverns
Anyone has anything to drink? So thirsty...
Dat's exuctleh wa we're her, ye halfwit.
Can't see any soil or moss. No mushrooms or fungiwood either. I doubt we'll find water in these caverns.
And no giant monsters. Dammit.
*looks around a bit confused*
What's the matter, Kommander? Already lost?
Shut it, old kunt. We go WESTAN!!
We'll end up back at the entrance.
Oh, yeh?
Yeah. But you shouldn't feel ashamed. Many dwarves are living with topographical cretinism and still manage to--
SHUDDUP!
You need a wife, Kalin. Or at least a nice dwarf you can fuck.
*feeds her last bottle of ale to the baby*
I will lead from here if you don't mind.
Sheesh, be mah fuggin' guest.
One hour later
PROLEBASHERS! Keep up! Follow my lead and-- *turns around the corner* I will-- What the
K-Kalin? Komrades..? *takes a step back*
*lets out a savage, beastlike growl*
Fuck my life. *grips his war hammer tightly*
*MANY more growls can be heard from all directions*
*pisses herself*
*pisses himself*
Pffft. *pisses himself*
... Kommand-- der..?
Leadership is not all about skills. It's about decisions. Look at Kalin - a good fighter, no arguing with that. But do you honestly think he is a good Kommander?
*advancing towards Kalin's squad*
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!! RUUUUUUUN!
*run for their lives*
You little fucks.
Kalin! You draft every old, crippled, and retarded dwarf into the military, not to mention they are all COWARDS!
Kommander..? Maybe we should--
Screw it. RRRRRRRRRRRRRAGH!! *CHARGES at the nearest troglodyte*
*scatter in surprise and fear*
*the largest troglodyte-leader, who looks like a female, charges at Kalin with a bloodthirsty growl*
*masterfully uses his shield and hammer technique*
HHHHHHHHHNNNNNNG
*stops fighting for a moment*
No favors for you. You have yet to prove yourself.
WAAAAAAAAAAAA *jumps into the fray*
Dammit
*keeps growling and assaulting Kalin, completely ignoring Citizen*
HAAAAAAAA *attempts another pathetic attack*
Da FUCK are ye doin'?! STAY OUT OF DIS! *performs a truly powerful swing*
*unable to stand up or even breathe*
*spits*
EEEEEEEEE!! *proceeds to beat the helpless body of troglodyte leader with a wooden sword*
Some minutes pass
*panting*
Are ye trying ta kill her or fakken' seduce her?
Give... me... Phhhhaaah. A moment here.
Imma tired of waitan. *delivers the killing blow*
Eeww.
Heh... Kinda like mah dream.
We did good, Kommander Kalin.
Yu did nuthin', old kunt. Look sharp! More babes are cummin'.
*looks at the troglodytes standing in the distance* I'm pretty sure we killed their mother. The rest of them are just kids.
All you had to do was go out there and kill the damn thing!
Let's head back, Kommander. Enough bloodshed for today.
Making violent dwarves like Kalin fall back is near damn impossible.
I hereby appoint you as Plankplunged's Captain of the Guard. You will protect your people by whatever means necessary.
Kommander Kallin? Hello?
You have failed me, Kalin.
Then I... uh... I'll bring backup! Hold on there!
You are a failure, Kalin.
*growl at Kalin, while trying to back away from him*
NO BONAZ FOR YOU!
*lets his mind slip into the deep pit of anger and hatred*
*raises his silver war hammer and steps forward*
*screams in agony*
*the others begin their assault*
*crawls away from Kalin in fear*
*walking towards the crippled troglodyte with determination, his eyes express nothing but cold rage*
*screams in terror*
*flails his hands at Kalin*
*keeps bashing the prone troglodyte with extreme brutality*
*looks straight in the eye of his victim, then strikes him with a shield*
When we found him, all troglodytes were dead, except one. Kalin ordered to hunt it down, and so we did. I found this small and mutilated critter and put it out of its misery... Which was truly horrifying.
But Kalin..? Kalin was the real monster in those caverns.
Kalin killed three troglodytes, Stukos (Dayyalu's wife, speardwarf) finished off another during clean-up, the rest of them escaped to the deep caverns.
*enters the barracks*
Kommander! I had a talk with the squad, gave them a good lesson of proper discipline and courag--
Resume trainin'.
Sorry we left you there, Kommandorf.
What else did you expect? We are armed with wooden weapons.
And battle babies.
*looks at her son*
Resume trainin'. *heads to the barracks bedroom, while the realization of what happened finally kicks in*
*knocks on the door and enters the office without waiting for response*
What is it? Don't you have candles to push?
The situation is growing direr with each passing day.
I am aware of that. The Prolebashers couldn't find any damn water down there, to absolutely no one's surprise. Goddamn Kalin is useless.
I am talking about the Outpost. There are dwarves outside, Grim, a lot of dwarves. They keep banging at our closed gates and demand to let them in.
I have no booze for new migrants. And no beds. And not a single drop of patience left.
I know, but apparenty there are other dwarves as well. Armed to the teeth. And also Tekkud, the Queen's liaison.
Komrades report they heard sounds of battle from the surface. Screams and such. There is something bad happening up there.
So NOW you are suggesting I talk it over with Hilly?
No. You have one more option left. I suggest you make use of it.
Hrmpf. No clue what you're talkin' about.
Remember, Grim. You are the goddamn Kommissar.
1st Timber, 126, Late Autumn
Redlabored, Barracks
*opens the door to the barracks* Kalin, my glorious Kommander!
Whatche doin' here?
I was merely curious. Why did Grimwulf send your squad into the caverns, armed with wooden weapons, undertrained, and completely unarmored?
We wor lookin' fer watah or sum shit. By the fuggin' way, wassup with booze?
An unfortunate, but predictable result of Grimwulf's poor leadership. And the reason I came to you. You see--
HELLYYYYY!!!
*Slowly turns around towards the central square* Aahhh, you finally remembered my nam-- Oh, my.
Motherfucker...
My fortress has suffered ENOUGH! I accuse you of TREASON, Helly!
*grins*
Kalin, ARREST the Kaptain of Kutting Kultists IMMEDIATELY!
*confused*
I have been elected as the manager, Grimwulf. And I will be doing my job for another month.
I AM YOUR GODDAMN KOMMISSAR! And I call for new elections RIGHT NOW!
*others start gathering on the square, hearing the commotion*
You SABOTAGED the construction of Redlabored!
You SEALED US underground!
You SENT OUR MINERS on a pointless mission!
You SENT OUR MILITARY to their deaths!
You CONDEMNED us to die of thirst!
It is YOUR FAULT we don't have water access!
All you care about is GOLD!
That's rich coming from someone in GOLDEN ARMOR!
Our industries are NON-FUNCTIONAL!
Because of YOU, keeping all my workers focused on YOUR mansion, YOUR armor, YOUR desires!
*more dwarves are gathering*
*unsheathes his sword*
*raises her axe*
This ENDS HERE!
Indeed it does.
*steps between Grimwulf and Helly wielding his war hammer* What the FUCK do you think you're doin'?! NO TRUBUL!!
Kalin. Arrest the Kommissar.
WHAT?!
*the Prolebashers position themselves around the Square*
You think YOU can lead my people, wretch?!
No. But I know just a dwarf for the job.
Kalin! KALIN! KALIN!!!
... wot
*everyone is gathered on the square, some are chanting Kalin's name*
Friends! KOMRADES! You've been oppressed by this dwarf for FAR TOO LONG! None of us wants to see a TYRANT as the leader! NOW RISE! Build YOUR OWN future! Master YOUR OWN fate! THE TIME HAS COME TO
CHOOSE YOUR KOMMISSAR
Cast your votes and take your time, because I won't resume the LP until 12th January. We will have three rounds of votes:
I'll spend the holidays out of town, surrounded by friends and family, which makes writing updates inconvenient. I need my solitude and alcohol to make KKK happen.
But I will post non-RP stuff like follow-up KEY CHOICES, some hard numbers regarding our current sorry state, dwarf's charscreens, etc. So it's not like I'll be gone completely.
As for the current choice, you can only vote for Grimwulf or Kalin, obviously. The possible consequences of electing Kalin will depend on Kalin. If he stops posting in this thread for some reason, then technically nothing will change except the general RP flavor - we will hold elections and vote for key choices as per usual. However, Kalin will be free to veto any voting, appoint whoever he wants on any position, and overrule anything, basically.
If Grimwulf retains his position, Helly will be punished; some of Helly's supporters will be punished too (which ones exactly is up for the dice rolls); Kalin will NOT be punished in any way, since he was dragged into this against his will.
Well, I'll be damned. Just when you thought you knew what PEAK Grimwulf was like, he delivers... this. Exhilarating, xenial, or however that stuff goes. All of it. Freaking masterful.
As for current side of affairs - As an objective and free media person (who sadly hasnt been offered any bribes or favours for his services... yet) I will not take sides, will abstain instead and report on proceedings. One thing I must say though - And I cannot believe I am saying this, but - Maybe it's time... Just consider it for a moment... to give Kalin his bonaz? He was guilty of some Conan-lvl baddassery down there in yon caverns. Also, next time, please let me accompany the prolebashers as a field correspondent. Armed with a pickax, because allegedly that would make me a competent fighter based on my skill in mining.
And once again - Loving this thread. It's amazing and delivers on so many levels.
Each cavern layer is huge and has no boundaries. Creatures come and go from the depths we'll never see.
Don't mind the broken color scheme on this screenshot, forgot to restart my game.
Kalin's squad explored a huge chunk of this layer, and they didn't find a single soiled tile. No moss, no vegetation, therefore no water. They were getting thirsty and tired, the only rational decision was to call them back.
It's not the only cavern layer, of course. We'll find more if we dig deeper. And those might be very different, like underground jungles and such. Time will tell.
So many of you called me a traitor because I chose the wrong side when circumstances were dire and confused. Yet now the threat is within your gates and the line is clearly drawn,those of you who choose to do nothing or, worse, support those trying to subvert the order should call yourself traitors three times over.
I was the first to take a stance. Shame on you who are still silent.
The Grim bröther sure has a talent for all this. Amazing how much can be said with a few talking heads and carefully selected in-game screenshots
Peak Grimwulf update so far indeed and the whole Kommunistic Kastle too has been peak Grimwulf overall.
My vote goes to Supporting the GODDAMN KOMMISSAR obviously. Helly's mismanagement must be punished.
And no, I do not feel responsible, at all. I never kinda, sorta, but totally not suggested that something was amiss with our leadership nor drove some unnamed dorfs to strike the Earth prematurely with promises of riches and gold all in the effort to get my smithy set up, no siree, never happened.
But that's the point, no matter what heroic feats Kalin might eventually accomplish he shall never, ever obtain his bonus. Or at least with so many strings attached it just isn't worth it
Helly was preparing for this turn of events, and we have quite a number of unassigned dwarves. It will be fair to give her a fighting chance.
Helly, you may throw a d20, if you want. One last speech in front of the komrades, one last attempt to gain more supporters.
20 - critical success. 10 unassigned dwarves will vote for Kalin
18-19 - major success, you gain 7 votes
16-17 - significant success, 4 votes
14-15 - success, 2 votes
12-13 - minor success, 1 vote
8-11 - uninspiring speech, no effect
6-7 - minor failure, 1 vote for Grimwulf
4-5 - failure, 3 votes for Grimwulf
2-3 - you are really bad at this. 5 votes for Grimwulf
1 - you convinced the whole crowd in your total incompetence as the manager, 8 votes for Grimwulf
So many of you called me a traitor because I chose the wrong side when circumstances were dire and confused. Yet now the threat is within your gates and the line is clearly drawn,those of you who choose to do nothing or, worse, support those trying to subvert the order should call yourself traitors three times over.
I was the first to take a stance. Shame on you who are still silent.
Grimwulf May I deliver a speech, fine orator as I am, in front of the crowd? I ve got some things to tell ya'll, folks. Big things. Monarchic level, I would say.
So many of you called me a traitor because I chose the wrong side when circumstances were dire and confused. Yet now the threat is within your gates and the line is clearly drawn,those of you who choose to do nothing or, worse, support those trying to subvert the order should call yourself traitors three times over.
I was the first to take a stance. Shame on you who are still silent.
Grimwulf May I deliver a speech, fine orator as I am, in front of the crowd? I ve got some things to tell ya'll, folks. Big things. Monarchic level, I would say.
Helly was preparing for this turn of events, and we have quite a number of unassigned dwarves. It will be fair to give her a fighting chance.
Helly, you may throw a d20, if you want. One last speech in front of the komrades, one last attempt to gain more supporters.
20 - critical success. 10 unassigned dwarves will vote for Kalin
...
1 - you convinced the whole crowd in your total incompetence as the manager, 8 votes for Grimwulf
You need not be unduly worried, my dear traitor. T'is about the hellspawn, not you.
However, to counter your jibe about interpreting my hesitation as lack of loyalty and cojones, I will say this:
History has known dwarfs who committed treason. Who lusted after gold, power, neighbour's less beardy wife, but you? Worst thing about your treason was that it wasnt borne of any possible material gains! And after that you still wonder why we question whether you're dwarf at all?
Ponder about it for a second: You committed a treason and didnt get *anything* out of it. Basically betrayed your own race just for lulz. You're basically Horus. Lol xD
The great horrors engulfed our home. We all know the reason – the treacherous mismanagement. Utter incompetence. We are left without any water and without any booze (gods help us!) to drink. We still have no armor and no weapons.
But we also know who to betray blame. We know who shall be punished and cast away. Right now we should wholeheartedly agree upon this and cast the traitor, vreditel, predatel away.
I... M-Must backstab! Backstab!!
So you know what to do! ... to betray... TO VOTE OFCOURSE! To vote against the evil one!
Please cast my vote the last.
(If Kalin wins)
GRIMWULF IS THE ONE WHO BETRAYED US! Cast him away! Only Kalin would lead us glorious workers to glorious future!
(if Grimwulf wins)
HELLY IS THE ROOT OF EVIL! Emperor of dwarfkind is our leader! I vote for Grimwulf!
So far each presidential candidate in my country I voted for succeed
(Just in case – casting the vote for the majority candidate is just the same as discarding the vote at all. The vote wouldn't affect whoever wins and therefore has no effect.)
I can't compose propaganda pictures to save my life, I spent a long time trying to fit the various elements together and at the end, I threw everything away and just modified one I found. I tried to imitate the composition of this 
