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In Progress Let's Play as 1200s Lithuania in Crusader Kings II: The Hitman Gods, the Teutons and the Mongols

Discussion in 'Codex Playground' started by Cassidy, Aug 13, 2013.

  1. KickAss Augur

    KickAss
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    2
     
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  2. Cassidy Arcane

    Cassidy
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    By a tight margin, 1, crush the Holy Roman Empire or die trying, has won.

    ==================

    [​IMG]

    Return of the Teutonic Terror

    Soundtrack -

    Bolt Thrower: The IVth Crusade

    AND/OR

    Accept: Teutonic Terror

    [​IMG]

    The traitor responsible for the death of the great Liudas, founder of the Wendish Empire, was brought to justice.

    [​IMG]

    :nocountryforshitposters:

    [​IMG]

    But wasn't human sacrifice extraneous to the Romuva faith? And since when ominous Latin was supposed to be used in the middle of a human sacrifice with all that "PESTIS CRUENTO VILOMAXUS" and so?

    [​IMG]

    Oh great, cults to the Pommeranian demon known as Chernobog, just what the Wendish Empire needed while the bloodiest war of History rages on and almost the entire Europe is against them.

    (I really have no fucking idea of how that happened, but cults to Chernobog is a great explanation)

    [​IMG]

    Fortunately, the true faith grows stronger, and a historical feat was achieved in this date. The taint of the Teutonic Order was finally completely eradicated from Prussia!

    [​IMG]

    Bukantas has chosen to, in spite of how much years of total war against the entire West have costed in lives to his Empire(and to the rest of Europe as well), follow his father's footsteps and hopefully conquer Germany in spite of the odds, paving the long road to Rome.

    [​IMG]

    The re-entry of the Wendish Empire in the Hammerade for Germany started with a great victory, but those defending the False Emperor were legion.

    [​IMG]

    Bukantas wasn't very good in the art of war, but he was learning quickly as he led the Lithuanian cavalry into its path of glory against more and more enemies.

    [​IMG]

    The vassals of the Empire have mobilized vast forces to fight on their own, unfortunately depriving the Hammerade of centralized leadership, an event that could become disastrous.

    [​IMG]

    But not for now. It seems that after suffering massive casualties for years and more years, the crusaders were likewise near the point of depletion, as long as mistakes were avoided, victory could be achieved.

    [​IMG]

    But the leadership of the Emperor's vassals was not merely poor... it was disastrous. After a string of initial victories, fresh reinforcements slaughtered them, and realizing the turning tide, the Pope has delivered a crushing blow to the young Empire with the proclamation of a new Crusade. Disaster would be an understatement.

    The only good news amidst this tragic downfall were another successful step towards the spread of the true faith, but now the future of Pommerania was very bleak, the levies of Lithuania almost completely depleted and the legions of crusaders beginning to march forward in droves, specially fresh Scottish and Swedish hordes in numbers that seemed hopeless.

    [​IMG]

    Even worse, Bukantas got sick in the Wendish Empire's hour of darkness, but that did not stop him from continuing to lead his men on the front, as befit for his stubborn and brave character. He refused to give up, and he took a risky bid by hoping the Crusade on Pommerania would distract Europe so much they would forget Germany, and that the False Empire would not recover from the massive casualties it suffered, allowing for a steady occupation to finish them off before the crusade on Pommerania is over. Even if Pomorze is lost, the conquest of Germany would make up for it.

    Such bold dream was nothing but a delusion of grandeur, a mistake Bukantas weakening health could not allow him to fully realize before his death.

    [​IMG]

    Bukantas was always bold, too bold, and in addition to his illness, he also was seriously wounded, and now his life as well as his Empire hanged on the balance.

    [​IMG]

    His sickness was over, but would Bukantas recover from his wounds and the Empire prevail in spite of the massive numbers of crusaders?

    [​IMG]

    A bold offensive against almost evenly number Holy Roman Empire forces was launched by Bukantas. Unfortunately, the cost of this victory was so high it was but a pyrrhic victory, for the Holy Roman Empire, in spite of the massive casualties of countless hundreds of thousands, could recoup their losses much faster than the Wendish Empire while it was also quickly losing Pommerania.

    [​IMG]

    Bukantas I did not resist the wounds he suffered in battle, and after only 2 years of a tragic rule, he died. All battles he led ended in victory, but such glories were pointless next to the sheer reality of impending defeat, the Crusade for Pommerania seizing more of it every day with the depleted Lithuanian army having no chance of stopping it any time soon, and the revolts the false Empire suffered were also being defeated, which meant they had more troops.

    It was in such disastrous situation that the daughter of Bukantas, the 15-year old Dannila inherited the Wendish Empire and the Kingdom of Lithuania, elected for having the best overall skills among the possible heirs, she would become the first Empress and the first female ruler in the entire written history of Lithuania, having to face the most terrible possible situation for a new ruler immediately as she sat down upon the golden throne: her country facing imminent defeat and her armies utterly depleted by decades of total war against practically all of Christendom.

    [​IMG]

    Dannila got married matrilineally with the best Lithuanian Hitman of the realm, as a means of appointing such a great master of his craft to her council.

    [​IMG]

    The empress was between a hammer and an anvil. She has chosen to carry on with the Hammerade against Germany, despite aware it would most likely end as a disaster, for Pommerania was beyond any hope, without doubt, while there was a slim chance the false Empire could finally collapse.

    [​IMG]

    More Pomorze clay fell to the Crusaders, whose numbers were such defeating them was practically impossible.

    [​IMG]

    And worse, an attempt of putting an end to the sieges over the territories of the Romuva Church ended as a total disaster. Everything began to fall apart. Could the next century be marked by tragedy? The moment was truly bleak. The atrocities commited by the crusaders over Pommerania were unspeakable in their horror, and all was falling. The Wendish Empire has grown too proud, its clergy too megalomaniacal, they have underestimated Christendom, and now there is no turning back. For the "deadly sin" of pride, they were paying the highest price.

    [​IMG]

    But that was no excuse to allow traitors to have their way. DEATH TO TRAITORS!

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]

    Among the Papal forces, the Teutonic Knights were the most ruthless and feared, their terror returning to haunt the Baltic one century after what seemed their ultimate defeat. No longer having their own lands, they still were far from extinguished, and they were eager to avenge their fallen in their defeat to Lithuania in the last century. All was crumbling, there was little hope.

    [​IMG]

    When the rest of the Holy Roman Empire levies showed up, then the realization struck down like a hammer, that all was lost. The last thing left to do was to retreat and escape before they slaughtered the Wendish forces besieging Germany so this won't become an even greater tragedy.

    [​IMG]

    The end draws near, marked by a bitter peace that seems but inevitable. The only good news is that the last significant Wendish forces have managed to avoid being slaughtered, but they are too few to stand a chance, and it is too late in any case. The cause is lost.

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]

    The Christmen have won the war. The Wendish Empire lies crushed, humiliated and the loss of Pommerania was the greatest tragedy in their history since the Crusade that forced the Gediminaitis to temporarily pretend having converted to avoid the complete annihilation and subjugation of their Kingdom(and slaughtering near half their own family with Lithuanian Hitmen because of the religious differences bowing down to the cross once brought). Meanwhile, the maximum leader of the Reformed Romuva Church, vulgarly known as the "heathen pope", was captured and is being most likely tortured and humiliated in a German dungeon to the death, to further salt the wound.

    Truly the darkest hour of the Wendish Empire has begun. Could Dannila save it from even worse future disasters, or is this a sign that Lithuanian fortunes have ran out, and as soon as Christendom unites again to crush them, it shall be the end? And what about the ever-expanding Timurids that may open a second front of enemies of the Old Gods to make things worse, with the blessing of the Djinn, as if such crushing defeat wasn't bad enough?

    TO BE CONTINUED
     
    Last edited: Nov 24, 2013
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  3. Fafnir Liturgist Patron

    Fafnir
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    Grab the Codex by the pussy
  4. hostergaard Educated

    hostergaard
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  5. KickAss Augur

    KickAss
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    shiiiieeeettt
     
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  6. Azira Arcane Patron

    Azira
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    Codex 2012
    If life gives you crap, make crap-golems. :salute:
     
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  7. Corporate_Jew_Master Arcane

    Corporate_Jew_Master
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    Should've declared great holy war on skywaykebab to the south.
     
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  8. Cassidy Arcane

    Cassidy
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    But they are pagans too, and Great Holy Wars are only declared by the AI for Hitman pagans. The latter explains a lot.

    ===============================

    Apostates of the Norse gods shall meet their fate!

    Amon Amarth - For Victory or Death

    [​IMG]

    A blow was struck, but Dannila did not despair. Only 15 years old when she assumed the throne after the short and failed reign of her father, the Empress has taken a crumbling empire, and had a duty of avenging its defeat to the fanatics of the crucified god. The loss of Pommerania was tragic, but at the same time, the victors were very weak, for Sweden has been nothing but a shadow since they abandoned the real gods to become weak servants of the false god*

    *And in a few centuries, servants of the Islamic Crescent due to multikult and white guilt, as a far away consequence of their abandonment of the Norse faith.

    :troll:

    [​IMG]

    There was an immediate problem: the total lack of competent elective candidates from the Gediminaitis. To fix such issue, Dannila gave the Duchy of Kurzeme to one of her relatives who was the most capable among her entire extended family, immediately nominating him as the next Emperor.

    [​IMG]

    From the chaos of the wars the ravaged Europe, and new Kingdom has emerged after centuries subjugated by other powers. Ruled by a Bavarian dynasty that realized the STRONG of Serbia so much they assimilated to the local STRONG, such kingdom with lands as far as in Northern Italy had a long challenge ahead to assert their sovereignty next to many powerful neighbors.

    [​IMG]

    The only detail that made the crushing defeat in the Hammerade for Germany a bit less hurtful was how much the ransoms of the countless nobles imprisoned after so many victories for Lithuania would increase the treasury. They may have won the war, but they paid a high price for their victory.

    [​IMG]

    They thought they had the Wendish Empire defeated... that this was the beginning of the end for the "heathen legions" they have feared for so long.

    THEY WERE WRONG!

    It is time to integrate Poland to the Wendish Empire and make their people return to the ways of the Potato gods, one small step at a time to avoid dragging the entire Christian Europe against the Empire.

    [​IMG]

    Dannila had her first son, Gintautas, he was not particularly noteworthy, for now.

    [​IMG]

    From the Baltics, slowly the Lithuanian culture will dominate most of Eastern Europe.

    [​IMG]

    While the weak and crumbling Kingdom of Poland was about to lose, good news: Sweden was dragged into a war with Denmark, and that was a great opportunity to take back what rightfully belongs to the Wendish Empire. Their victorious Crusade will be short lasted!

    [​IMG]

    Lithuania STRONG

    [​IMG]

    Dannila would earn the title of "Avatar of Giltine" for the way she would handle traitors, and for the deaths her wars of revenge against the zealots of the false prophet would bring.

    [​IMG]

    Could a daughter of Ireland fix the broken Eastern Roman Empire?

    [​IMG]

    Krakow is conquered by the Empire, now, forward to Pommerania, for there are reasons that don't involve faith to conquer it again.

    [​IMG]

    :outrage:

    [​IMG]

    For someone who has no problems with executing traitors with her own hands, she can be pretty queasy at times.

    [​IMG]

    That "all-seeing god" bullshit is for fanatics of the crucified one. the gods are not all-seeing, nor they are allmighty.

    [​IMG]

    The time has come. Dannila's mother was the Queen of Pommerania, and her legitimacy over those lands was not over because of the defeat. Death to the emasculated Norsemen who spitted Odin to bow to the cross like sheep! Slaughter the sheep, slaughter them all!

    [​IMG]

    Shortly after starting a new war to vindicate the past defeat, Dannila got pregnant.

    [​IMG]

    United they are too powerful, but on their own, the followers of the false god are weak. The Empire will prevail!

    [​IMG]

    Dannila had a daughter creatively named after her.

    [​IMG]

    Surrender to the Lithuanian Hitmen, cheese-eating frog!

    [​IMG]

    He surrendered his life as predicted. Nobody better dare to pull such kind of move against the Wendish Empire, for the Lithuania Hitmen stands ready to put them down at night before they could even start, the same who destroyed the Polish-Hungarian Empire, who brought England to ruins and chaos, they are the mightiest of all Lithuanian forces and the most legendary for a reason.

    [​IMG]

    Perhaps the decentralized nature of the Empire might be a burden, but it also ensures internal stability and loyalty, and the Empire could collapse in civil war if attempts to curb the liberties of the very powerful Emperor's vassals happened.

    [​IMG]

    Some RK47s tried to capture the Empress for some very untasteful reasons, but fortunately she was saved just in time. The Swedes had no chance, the revenge about to be concluded.

    [​IMG]

    And so, near all the losses of the previous tragic Great Holy War have been recovered, the followers of the false god shown that their victory was very short lasted, and soon all of Pommerania will return to the Empire. Dannila has avenged the death of her father, returned her mother to the Kingdom of Pommerania and restored the honor of the Wendish Empire. The man who proclaimed the Great Holy War against Germany was not so lucky. He was brutally killed in a German dungeon after a seemingly eternity of torture. The disaster that once happened was a valuable lesson: giving the enemies of the true faith a banner to rally upon is unwise. Rather, to resort on conquest without the religious undertones is a much wiser means of slowly achieving the distant dream of burning Rome to the ground. But first, the conquest of all that was considered De Jure part of the Wendish Empire had to happen.

    [​IMG]

    And look who is there? Ironic that they are helping the Empire against traitors, very ironic, for such unwashed mobs don't care who they are attacking.

    [​IMG]

    Whatever, it is not like they could do much damage.

    [​IMG]

    A conquest of the wealthy Lubeck ended with nothing as that land shifted from the weak and independent Holstein to Denmark, but Denmark is dragged in a long war. The enemies of the potato gods are fighting each other now, divided. With small conquests, the Empire may eventually become truly powerful enough to crucify the West for once and all. However, while suddenly opportunities of conquests lied on the west, there was a new threat looming from the east.

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]

    Perhaps Timur needs a special Lithuanian visitation before his Empire and the religion of "peace" threatens the Wendish Empire. The expansion of the Timurids is immensely worrisome, for were them and the Christian to attack at the same time, it could be a disaster.

    Will the Lithuanian Hitmen put a decisive end to the seemingly unstoppable Timurids before they threaten the Wendish Empire? Will Rome ever burn?

    TO BE CONTINUED
     
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  9. hostergaard Educated

    hostergaard
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    So the followers of the the crucified god threw countless hordes at the Wendish Empire and sacrificed thousand of lives so they could claim Pommerania only for it to be retaken a few year later, rendering all that effort a waste?

    What a shame... :smug:


    By the way, anyone know how the religion adoption mechanics for Timurid and other hordes works? They usually adopt some variant of islam in my games but maybe we could convert them to the one true faith and get a strong ally? Its a bit lonely as the only Romuva independency.
     
    Last edited: Nov 27, 2013
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  10. Fafnir Liturgist Patron

    Fafnir
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    Grab the Codex by the pussy
  11. Corporate_Jew_Master Arcane

    Corporate_Jew_Master
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    Wait, isn't Naveedid-habeeb-it muslim?

    If so, quickly invasion/great-holy war it's ass. Skyway will never play KOTOR 7 times if it's against islamic law.
     
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  12. Cassidy Arcane

    Cassidy
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    I just realized that Reformed Pagans can declare holy war against anyone else that doesn't follow their religion, but I decided there was a more pressing priority than to conquer the land of playing KOTOR seven times: to destroy the Timurids through the greatest weapon of the Wendish Empire:

    Obviously, the Lithuanian Hitman.

    ===================================================

    [​IMG]

    Lithuanian Hitman 2: (Not so) Silent Assassin of Emperors

    Hitman 2: Russia

    [​IMG]

    Good news: the best of the best, the spearhead of the Empire, they have succeeded to put an end to two major threats, or hopefully so. An ambitious melonhead got killed before he could assemble a host for his invasion, while most importantly, although the Hitmen involved paid with their lives in a very painful way, the dreaded Timur has been slain, and now hopefully his Empire shall fall apart, eliminating their looming threat for once and all.

    Bad news: everyone knows the Empress is cold-hearted and ruthless, and retalation will soon be inevitable.

    [​IMG]

    If you can't hitman with the best, damn with the rest

    [​IMG]

    Unfortunately the Swedish conquest of Pommerania left some of their people as dukes, and it will not be easy to convince them to abandon the crucified god, although some progress was made in this.

    [​IMG]

    The elected successor has proven far more ambitious, trying to forge a mighty desmesne for himself through war.

    [​IMG]

    Lübeck will be conquered by the Wendish Empire, and the Pomorze will once again reside in the region. REMOVE KRAUT

    [​IMG]

    The Empress had her third child.

    [​IMG]

    While malcontents continue to rebel, one of her relatives has become a great and capable diplomat.

    [​IMG]

    Victory!

    Meanwhile, however, bad news: the Timurids didn't fall apart after the death of Timur, unfortunately, which means eliminating their threat will require more dangerous and expensive missions involving only the best of the best, those bold enough to undertake the mission of assassinating not a mere ruler, but the leader of an Empire. Nevertheless, there was a simpler Lithuanian Hitman mission which consequences would benefit the Wendish Empire by causing chaos and making the Romanists lose an entire Kingdom. The circumstances seemed absurd, but why question them?

    [​IMG]

    For, as soon as the young and vulnerable King of Hungary faces the merciless strike of the Lithuanian Hitman, a Muslim somehow shall inherit the Kingdom of Hungary.

    Truly, the fact this could happen is evidence Djinn exist.

    [​IMG]

    It was completely professional, no traces or evidences left linking such a well done service to the Wendish Empire, and now the religion of "peace" rules over most of the Balkans, part of Croatia included.

    :troll:

    [​IMG]

    The true faith continues to advance.

    [​IMG]

    Empress Dannila mourned for her mother, who died tragically young, leaving the Kingdom of Pommerania to an ingrate. Some honorary titles soothed his butthurt, however.

    [​IMG]

    Although risky, the levies of the Empire were completely ready, and if quickly enough, it would ensure that the near entire south coast of the Baltic would belong to them, while granting valuable, wealthy and prosperous cities. Fear will not stop the Wendish Empire from pursuing their destiny!

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]

    The Duchess of Holstein was captured, and she was pregnant. But who cares? Crusaders kill babies, women and children, so fuck them all.

    [​IMG]

    By assaulting their fortresses with their full strength, the Empire didn't give the rest of the Christian world any time to react, and victory was achieved relatively quickly, making the Wendish Empire somewhat closer to Rome than it was before. Now, truces would limit further expansion, and money was needed for another attempt at breaking apart the Timurids, but the apostates of the Potato gods deserved another lesson.

    [​IMG]

    While Lübeck was given to the Kingdom of Pommerania, the newly conquered lands were granted to someone by pure merit of his incredible Stewardship skills.

    [​IMG]

    Diplomatic efforts have made the King of Pommerania, arguably the most powerful vassal of the Empire, into a trusting ally with great regards for the Empress, willing to share a much larger part of his levies for the Empire than he would otherwise.

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]

    While a host invaded Pomeralia, the King of Pommerania also boldly attempt to take it back on his own, and unfortunately the Empire could not provide him with any support in this.

    [​IMG]

    For making the success of the crusade against Pommerania short lasted, for promoting the Romuva true faith and for her willingness to go to any extents for this cause, Dannila became known as The Pious.

    [​IMG]

    Sacz would be soon integrated to the Empire. The moribund Poland stood no chance.

    [​IMG]

    A fourth and not particularly special child.

    [​IMG]

    The twilight of those who have forsaken the Potato gods draws near, as does the life of the heir of an empire built through mass slaughter and brutality in the name of another false god.

    [​IMG]

    ARE YOU LITHUANIAN HITMEN OR NOT?

    [​IMG]

    To further help with the complete failure of the attempts to put another Khagan to the blade, some Orthodox Russians have riled up, dreaming to "crush the heathens" and create a new kingdom of Rus. They must be stopped as soon as possible, DEATH TO RUSSIA!

    [​IMG]

    Not so many years after losing her mother, Dannila also lost her husband and master of the Lithuanian Hitmen. This was dangerous considering the Timurids really wanted to successfully assassinate her in revenge, and the Empress hurried to find a proper new master of this dangerous game of hitmen.

    [​IMG]

    She found a man almost as good as her fallen husband, and he is given the dangerous and challenging task of building a spy network to put down the Khagan of the Timurids for once and all. Unfortunately once again, this big league of being assassins of emperors prove to be as difficult as ever, and they only manage to maim the boy.

    [​IMG]

    During the late night of 19th of March of 1400, as the 15th Century began, a century where, against all odds, paganism still survive in Europe thanks to the Wendish Empire and to the Persian Ukraine, a very infamous event happened. The grim, terrifying, humiliating and perhaps exciting details for a more depraved kind of man were never told, for it was not a clean, quick assassination.

    The hitman involved with it, who left the infamous signature of "RK47" after his terrible deed, he took the sleeping Empress by surprise inside her own quarters, and before she could react or scream for help, he gagged and tied her to her own bed, and then brutally raped her, tortured her in ways only the creepiest Japanese snuff films of the 20th century could compare and only after many hours of suffering, mutilation and humiliation, killed her before anybody else noticed what was going on.

    [​IMG]

    Svitrigaila was determined to avenge her gruesome death by eradicating the Timurid dynasty from Earth.

    Their insult and brutality are unforgivable, but they have messed with the wrong Hitmen, and they will learn the enemies they made do not forgive or forget.

    LONG LIVE EMPEROR SVITRIGAILA! REMOVE TIMUR KEBAB FROM THE PREMISES!

    TO BE CONTINUED ON THE NEXT PAGE
     
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  13. Corporate_Jew_Master Arcane

    Corporate_Jew_Master
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    1. Wake up from the wailing of the sex slaves tied to the basement
    2. Silence said sex slaves in a most nippon fashion
    3. Eat tuna wrap
    4. Plan rape-murder of Hitman Empress
    5. Spend time on the internet looking at black and white comics for inspiration
    6. Humiliate a white male on Soulstorm
    7. Catch plane to Lithuania
    8. Eat tuna wrap
     
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  14. Thor Kaufman Arcane Zionist Agent

    Thor Kaufman
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    bump
     
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  15. Jagged Appliance Arbiter

    Jagged Appliance
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    Quality LP.
     
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  16. Fafnir Liturgist Patron

    Fafnir
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    Grab the Codex by the pussy
     
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  17. Nicebrain Educated Patron

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    Codex 2012 Serpent in the Staglands Project: Eternity Torment: Tides of Numenera
  18. KickAss Augur

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    bump!
     
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  19. Stygian Lurker Scholar

    Stygian Lurker
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  20. Luzur Prestigious Gentleman Good Sir

    Luzur
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    Sweden's history is like a rollercoaster, first they loose to Denmark, then they break up and are almost wiped out, then come back, they loose in Finland, then break up a few times more etc

    i never seen them have such a weak path in any of my non-Sweden sessions.
     
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  21. Cassidy Arcane

    Cassidy
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    Did you ever start a game at the exact year the Teutonic Order shows up? That and random chance explain it all.

    Czechs who speak Arab and assimilated to Palestinian culture after converting the Palestinians to Catholicism in Jerusalem, Dutch Muslims in Syria, French in Anatolia, French in the throne of England trying to forcefully transform England into a French-speaking country, Persian skyways, an Irish assuming the dying Byzantine Empire and the southern tip of Ireland being part of it(I have no idea how that fucking happened), Obamas ruling several North Italian realms ... it has been a different kind of world.
     
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  22. Luzur Prestigious Gentleman Good Sir

    Luzur
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    ive seen it all, even HRE totally defeated by Mongols, but Sweden usually comes out on top.
     
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  23. Fafnir Liturgist Patron

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  24. Kashmir Slippers Augur

    Kashmir Slippers
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    Here, obviously
  25. Fafnir Liturgist Patron

    Fafnir
    Joined:
    Jun 1, 2009
    Messages:
    873
    Location:
    Sweden
    Grab the Codex by the pussy
     
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