Allright, it seems we've done all the chores. The Codex has access to a store and is ready to fetch the Manual of Bodily Health.
Yeah, about that. I don't really feel prepared to fighting sirines just yet. I mean, with the crappy armor and no magic stuff.
What do You suggest then?
I happen to know of an area, where I can get two items that would prove very useful. Let's do that first.
Whatever You say.
This is our next stop, meaning that The Codex has chosen a big, hairy, smelly ogre over half a dozen naked, slender, blue-skinned chicks.
Ah, since I can't see it for myself. Could You tell me what's this update's title?
Why do You want to know?
Just a generic bad feeling.
I'm sure everything will be fine
The Codex' stats upon entrance. It looks like killing those spiders paid off and his fighter level will rise pretty soon.
Cave bear remains our most triumphant victory. Still no spells were used - I wonder how long we can keep this one up.
We move on.
They're defeated, of course, but The Codex has to quaff a healing potion during the fight (no screenshot of that, unfortunately).
How about we go back and buy some more potions?
We just got here. We'll go back when You run out of them.
Enemy! Oh, it's just some gibberlings.
Oh shit. Oh shit.
Yeah! Who's the badass?
Of course, there are more...
...but a few well placed shots take care of them.
As expected, The Codex levels up.
Even more badass now!
Gaining a fighter level.
12 HP now. That should reduce the one-shot deaths by at least 10%.
Not much changed here.
We encounter some bandits.
How's that possible. They weren't there 5 minutes ago.
Must have come hearing the sounds of fighting.
They are easily picked out one at a time.
Ok, ok, let's hear it and be done.
One of the bandits manages to wound The Codex lightly.
But it's the last thing he does. Ever.
The last one.
Bandits drop a lot of stuff, especially compared to what we've killed so far. The Codex' inventory is not large enough to contain all of it.
I smell the sweet scent of money.
That might be something else smelling... Wait, are those scalps?
Looks like it, yes.
That's gross! Why did You scalp these guys for?
I did no such thing! The scalps were just lying there, beside them. Must've fallen of their heads, just like that.
Fallen. Of their heads. Uh-huh.
Maybe they're all wearing toupees?
You mean bandits only accept bald people into their ranks?
I was rather thinking in terms of occupational disease... And that's why they steal iron!
They probably think it's some kind of cure for baldness.
Bandits od the Sword Coast: stealing iron as a cure for baldness.
We briefly go back to High Hedge, to sell the loot, killing a skeleton on the way (I didn't bother to ss it). I forget to check whether Thalantyr sells healing potions (he does).
'Forget'. Yeah, right.
Back on track. After another quick 16-hour rest we move on.
Ah, yes, Elminster. Always in a hurry, so no one can exploit the hell out of the game and kill him.
Man, would that be awesome or what?
The highlighted dialogue is eerily similar to every codexer's opinion about... every other codexer. There's also a typo in it. Shame on You, Bioware!
I'm not scared of you, wolf.
Telling that to him or Yourself?
Off with it's head!
Wow, those additional 3 HP and 1 THAC0 really boosted Your confidence.
Hey, what's that?
Look, a ring! I wonder what it does.
You're not really thinking anyone buys that "accidental find" attitude?
Let's identify it. Incidentally, I have the needed spell right here.
Our first magic item. The ever-useful Ring of Protection.
The Codex' AC and saving throws with the ring equipped. There's still a lot of room for improvement.
Some more gibberlings.
They're no problem for The New And Improved Codex.
Fall before my might!
Mwahahahaha! Slaughter! I love when they splatter into ludicrous gibs.
Your charm knows no bounds.
Shock! I totally did not expect that.
The bow and me take care of them without a sweat.
Sucks to be them.
Not this time. These are smurfs... I mean xvarts. Although, there's not much difference.
They're what? Farts?
Oops... that's a lot of farts. Let's not fight them all at once.
The Codex retreats to the edge of the map. Two xvarts follow.
Make that three.
They are quickly cut down.
Fear the power of The Codex' sword!
We turn around to go back, but don't get far.
What? Where did those guys come from?
Respawning. We're probably saving the game too often.
How many gibberlings does it take to change a lightbulb?
What's a lightbulb?
Some monkey-ass slashing.
Never use that phrase again.
But wait, there's more!
Shh, don't even suggest boredom here, think about our viewability.
I hope the noble codexer audience is having great fun, because we certainly are!
Going back, picking out the xvarts that got lost along the way when chasing us earlier.
These things must have really short attention spans. Or maybe, they're suffering from that condition the guy from Memento
You know what Memento
is, but a lightbulb doesn't ring a bell?
I'm not sure what you're trying to say.
Not these guys again. Are we still saving the game every ten seconds, or what?
Nope. Probably too often anyway.
At this rate, bow and me will run out of arrows sometime soon.
Wait. Did you hear the chime too?
The Codex levels up as a mage and
as a thief.
Level up summary. Thieving skills will be increased according to the rules I explained in the previous update, at least for now.
Cave bear rests safely on top of the pile of bodies made by The Codex. It seems that identify doesn't count as a spell, so still no favourite one.
Let's test my newly acquired skills on those gibberlings!
Don't ask me what happened here. I honestly don't know. One moment we're fighting gibberlings like there's no tomorrow, next I see this screen. With 16 HP, The Codex wouldn't be one-shot by these guys. Two lucky 20's at a time?
Death count: 8
I feel like I just woke up from some horrible nightmare. Killed by gibberlings. Still gives me the creeps when I think about it.
Yeah. Just a dream.
Am I still dreaming?
Let's hope you're not.
Shit. Four at a time? A challenge for the sword and me!
That's what I'm talking about!
One of the gibberlings drops a healing potion.
Don't 'forget' to pick it up.
I almost forgot we're still trailing back our xvart retreat route. We didn't make much progress recently.
In a geographical sense, maybe not. But we did make an important step on my way to ascension.
One xvart later, we suffer a terrible loss. The sword breaks.
NOOOOOOOOOO! THAT'S NOT TRUE! THAT"S IMPOSSIBLE!
This will seriously hinder our efforts. Thalantyr does not sell swords and no other stores are available just yet. Should have bought a spare back in Candlekeep.
WHY? WHY, SWORD? WHY DID YOU HAVE TO GO LIKE THIS?
Are You finished?
Finished? SWORD WAS MY FRIEND, YOU INSENSITIVE BEAST! How am I supposed to slaughter stuff without it?
Indeed, that may prove to be a problem. We'll have to rely on the bow for now. We could
head back to High Hedge and hope the game spawns us some flinds, but that may take forever and killing them without a sword wouldn't be easy, so I decide to stay.
Can we shoot these xvarts before they enter melee range?
Enemies enaged in melee with a ranged weapon get +4 to hit, while we get -4 to our rolls. This means the valid tactics is to retreat and shoot back.
So begins the happy tale of running around the woods and shooting little blue people. Thankfully, xvarts are almost impossible to miss and die from one shot.
I will refrain from commenting on the next few screenshots, providing a suitable soundtrack instead.
All is grand until we run into a larger group.
Maybe I should retreat a bit.
To add insult to injury, we meet some kobolds on the way.
Let's, uh, retreat some more.
running away from various coloured midgets like a total pussy, The Codex manages to hold some ground and the western edge of the map.
Desperate times call for desperate measures - we employ Perdue's sword as a weapon of last resort. The Codex' THAC0 sucks with it, but at least, enemies don't get their +4 bonus.
Two down! Wait, where did the third one go?
Coming right this way.
We find another healing potion. We also take one of the xvart swords, since I'm not sure if Perdue's sword can break, and it would be a stupid way to lose a quest reward.
I totally rock the boat, even without the sword.
We return to killing xvarts that earlier forgot they were chasing The Codex.
Getting rid of them is a favor not only for the sword coast, but for intelligent thought everywhere.
I'm getting a slight feeling of deja vu.
Apparently some gibberling decided to join the party.
Ok, make that a bajillion of gibberlings.
I would really like to still have my sword right now.
Yeah, it wouldn't hurt.
Death count: 9
Maybe if I tread carefully, I won't attract them all at once. First, shoot this kobold.
Two gibberlings on twelve!
Thank you for your valuable observation.
Oh, look. Another kobold.
Quite the timing he has, little bastard.
Second one down.
You're doing surprisingly good.
Your turn, party crasher!
Finishing up latest spawn of gibberlings.
That wasn't a real sneak attack.
Yeah, I was tired of waiting to say that, since we're not doing any stealth.
That's because You suck at stealth.
Back on track.
These kobolds are actually life savers, since they provide us a supply of arrows. We could buy them in High Hedge, but Thalantyr only sells magical ones, which are quite expensive.
Oh, you've got to be fucking kidding me.
I hope You didn't grew too attached to Your ass, because this is the time to say goodbye to it.
We'll see about that!
We try shoot'n'run tactics, but the wolf is too fast.
Dread wolf is hard to hit with the zero-profficiency short sword, so we blast it a few times with wand of magic missile. The Codex is bitten back, but the healing potion keeps him alive.
So far so good!
After two more missiles and a lucky stab, dread wolf falls dead!
Who's the bitch now!?
After another quick, 80-hour rest we move on in hope of maybe reaching the ogre this time.
Surprise, surprise. Gibberlings. This time the diseased version.
We're in no mood for jokes, so they all soon lie dead at The Codex' feet.
I'm starting to lose my patience here. I swear to everything sacred, if I EVER
see another gibberling in my life, I'm going to fucking KILL IT DEAD
How would that be different from what You're already doing?
Didn't I tell you to go and hang yourself at some point? Why are you still here?
Fucking fuck! I honestly don't know which are more annoying, gibberlings or those fart things.
Let me help You decide with a quote: 'Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!'
Ok, it's certain now. These things need to die.
It's a tough fight. We win, but at the cost of two healing potions and are forced to employ retreat tactics. It works, as usual, but makes us lose some ground yet again.
Don't save the game! Don't give those fuckers any excuse to respawn.
I'm not saving the game. Well, ok, I did after the dread wolf, but other than that - no.
You're not? We will lose all the progress if we run into another dread wolf!
What do You want me to do, then?
Maybe we can take another shot at stealth.
Hide in Shadows kicks in at first try. A good sign.
We waste one xvart before it's even aware of our presence.
The Codex' skills fail exactly at a moment of entering some xvarts' sight range.
It does not end well.
Yeah, should have been saving the game after all.
Death count: 10
Looking at the bright side: at least we have a healing potion back. Not sure what happened to the other one (backpack, maybe?).
I'm inclined to return to running around highly visible but in armour, instead of naked and still visible.
Another dread wolf awaits us three steps from the last save point.
We repeat previous tactics, and it's succesful again, although The Codex has to use the potion.
a good time to go back and resupply?
Guess what? More gibberlings. I guess by dying, we gave them an excuse to respawn.
5 arrows later, there are no more gibberlings. Nice going.
The bow's patience has run out. Mine too.
Fog of war! We're reaching unexplored part of the area!
Don't miss the xvarts.
Oh, don't worry about that.
Here's your sword back!
The ogre should be around here somewhere.
And indeed, he is.
Ok. What's the plan?
Plan? You wanted to come here. I thought You had a plan of Your own.
Are you fucking kidding me? I'm hurt, with no healing potions and no sword. Even no fucking magic missile wand!
Let's hope You're faster than him, then.
It turns out the ogre is equally fast to The Codex, which is not what I remembered. This means we're a little fucked.
We still try shoot'n'run. It works, but just barely.
We have to cover a lot of ground to get an oppurtunity for a shot, and The Codex doesn't hit every time.
try shooting while running away from 10 foot tall brute! We'll how that goes.
Now, now. You're doing fine. Keep runnin'.
I'll wipe that smirk off your face someday!
We reach our final stand location, and the ogre shows no will to die just yet. The Codex is force to pass him and run the other way.
I so wish I had a few ranks in tumble right now!
While still chased by the ogre, we run into this clusterfuck gibberling orgy.
I am so going to die in a moment.
Actually, no! Due to some clever manuevering and a lot of luck we are able to run away.
TRAIN TO ZONE!
We lose most of the pursuit on the way, including the ogre. Once again, The Codex ends up defending at the western border.
The bad news is, we're back to square one and have to stab through the whole area again.
And the enemies have respawned, EVEN THOUGH WE DIDN'T EVEN SAVE THE FUCKING GAME!
Calm down, you're losing it.
DAMN RIGHT I AM!
At least killing the bandits nets us some loot, of which arrows are not least important.
We start backtracking the breadcrumb gibberling trail, picking them out as they appear, one by one.
The other healing potion turned out to be in the backpack after all. Not all is lost!
How many gibberlings are there on the Sword Coast anyway? It feels like I've killed about a million of them already.
There's always more.
And all the empty spaces between gibberlings are filled by xvarts. The nature hates imbalance after all!
Fuck! No! I refuse to be killed by xvarts! There must some a border drawn somewhere!
The Codex drinks a healing potion and an oil of speed. The remaining xvarts are killed.
What? Slow down.
Before I manage to save the game, five steps to the south a bunch of xvarts appear. They weren't there 30 seconds ago. And I repeat - game was not saved
. What. The. Fuck.
Luckily, The Hyperactive Codex manages to dispatch them without a scratch (sorry for lack of screenshots).
Let's prepare some spells and rest.
This should prove useful against sirines' arrows.
Do You still think coming here was the right idea?
If you'd asked me fifteen minutes ago, I would've said no. But right now: HELL YES!
We've got what we've came for, but part of the area is still unexplored.
That of course means more gibberlings.
Sparing everyone the details, they all die.
Wow. A wolf. I thought gibberlings and farts have eaten them all.
I think they're more beef-types. Xvarts, at least.
Maybe I could eat it then?
What? Why? You don't have to eat at all.
Sure. This is Baldur's Gate, not some Ultima or Might & Magic.
You mean, I don't have to eat, because I'm mighty, magical and ultimate?
What? No... Okay, yes. That's what I meant. Whatever, let's move on.
Please, no. Not gibberlings AGAIN.
At least they are easy to kill.
Oops, one step too far.
How IN HELL
did that happen?
Death count: 11
Chased by gibberlings, we decide to use a chokepoint to our advantage.
It seems to be working...
...for a time.
It's ok. As long as I fight one or two at a time, it should be fine.
Death count: 12
Ok, seriously, man. Could You please stop getting killed by gibberlings. It's rather embarassing.
I want my sword back.
We begin our third approach to the pack. If this one fails too, we'll prepare sleep spell and slaughter them while they lie unconscious.
The pack is placed a little unfavorably for us - attacking in a wave, soon after eye contact has been made.
After this kill, we start retreating.
And not a moment too soon!
They die, one by one.
Of course, there's always more.
Our replacement sword breaks.
Except that You're defenseless now.
Not much of a change, really.
Fortunately, there are plenty of spare swords lying around.
Xvarts. We've all started to miss them, haven't we?
xvarts -> dead xvarts: conversion complete!
One of them dropped a potentially very useful spell scroll!
Basilisks, here I come!
Not just yet.
A couple of xvarts. We experience some unlucky rolls when shooting them and The Codex is forced to retreat.
It ends badly.
Oh, for fuck's sake!
Death count: 13
Reloading the game.
Did I just got killed by a fart?
No idea, actually. Either that, or gibberlings again.
Don't really know which one would be worse.
Luckily I saved right before the xvart encounter.
I'm not moving from this fucking spot this time!
Yes! Dammit! Eat shit, blue cockfucker!
I'm hoping this was the last encounter here.
Let me rephrase my previous statement:
A quick quiz: how many gibberlings do You have to kill to level up?
I don't know. How many?
We talk to this guy before leveling (don't ask why, I don't know either). He warns us about gibberlings being present in the area.
NO FUCKING SHIT THEY'RE PRESENT IN THE AREA! I WOULD NEVER HAVE GUESSED THERE ARE GIBBERLINGS IN THIS AREA.
After The Codex calms down, he levels up as a fighter.
Level up summary. The new weapon proficiency point lands in two-handed weapons style.
Sorry, dread wolves, cave bear was here first. The total number of kills rised by 99 since the previous level up.
That's 60 gibberlings, 30 farts, an ogre, two dread wolves, one regular wolf and a few bandits.
You forgot some kobolds, I think.
Hard to believe, but the first thing to do here after the level up is killing some gibberlings.
Don't even get me started...
It's also the last thing to do in this area.
Ok, here's the new plan: let's leave and never
come back here again. N.E.V.E.R.
Where do You want to go?
How about wherever they sell swords I actually can use?
Ok. I might have a suggestion.
Next time: a breather episode.
Does that mean I won't die?