A few people have mentioned the clown enemy in this game. I agree, the clown features every single thing that I loathe in an enemy:
-He is happy and gloating all the time when I’m trying to battle him
-He has poise even though I don’t get to have poise (I miss poise, it was my favorite stat in dark souls
)
-All his attacks outrange mine
-He has 99999999999999 hp or thereabouts
-He is located in an area with a bunch of wimpy mook enemies that need to be cleared out before engaging
-Just like every enemy in this game, his attacks are all the mega annoying type where they hold their hand up menacingly for between 1 second to 20 minutes, then suddenly release and complete the hit at lightspeed. This is especially annoying because when someone approaches you off-balance with their arms in the air, you want to stab them repeatedly in their exposed chest, but they have poise so they’ll just eat your damage and stunlock you.
Now, a lesser man might look at this and say to himself “
I guess it’s time to buckle down and die to this clown until I win fair and square” but that, in my opinion, is a
loser mentality. I decided that this clown wasn’t going to kill me
ever again. I will
never be reduced to counting Mississippi in my head to time all these fake-out combos.
My first try, I used hit and run tactics and threw what consumables I had available, but he had too much hp for that to work. I had to retreat.
Second attempt I ran past and found a bonfire right behind him. Fucking Koreans. Unfortunately, he followed me, so I wasn’t allowed to use it. After a brief struggle I realized that I was going to die and ran around in circles Benny Hill style until I got enough distance to quit out of the game. He reset upon loading and I was able to get the bonfire.
Now I was *
really* pissed. Steam was coming out of my ears. Killing the clown wouldn’t be enough, I had to send a message as warning to future clowns. I went to the creepy weirdo merchant and bought the max amount of every throwing weapon that he had available. I then loaded up my hot bar, ran up to the staircase behind the clown and began throwing random shit at him while retreating. I threw every item I was able to carry and he *still* had some health leftover. Unfortunately for him, my last shotput made his stars twinkle so I was able to shove a spear all the way up his cellulitic clown ass.
Ahhh, a flawless victory with a fatality at the end. I bet the clown is down in hell right now telling everyone that I was a bullshit enemy.
TLDR:
Imagine the zombies are giant robot clowns, that’s how it went down