In Progress LP Big World BGT

[Archwizard Hank]

I have slept for too long. My dreams have been dark ones. Dreams of timelines splintering off into the frayed horizons of the void, and of the nameless horrors that lurk in the halls of the past. I dream of Big World, and the time has come to return to it.

UPDATE 3: The Hole Out of Space

We're back at the Friendly Arm, exactly where we were numbers-wise at the end of Update 2B, sans the ludicrous amount of gold. Also, it's daytime now, but that's not important. (Probably.)

As you may recall, I skipped the opportunity to buy a Bag of Holding at the start of the game. There are other merchants who sell them later on in other colors and special enemies that drop them, but we're going to be opting for something different. This is a concession which, unlike the gold, I will not bend on.

This is the Portable Hole, item code JL#HOLE. For the purposes of this LP, we'll be calling it "the Space Hole" or a variant thereof. Unlike regular bags of holding, the Space Hole is effectively bottomless. It has a theoretical limit, but it takes such a ludicrous number of items to reach, you can't feasibly reach it without dumping large sums of cash on an infinite stack of items (particularly something that already comes in large quantities, like arrows or potions.)

Additionally, unlike regular bags of holding, the inventory is coded in such a way that it carries between BG1 and BG2. Keep this in mind.

Our first order of business is to start accumulating side quests. Even with the gold, we'd need the XP, but now we're in desperate need of that sweet, sweet quest gold.

: Certainly, m'lady. Speak your mind.

: Such manners! Well, I need a gruff hand for this task, so keep your "please and thank you" garbage for the nobles. I was robbed blind by some hobgoblins within sight of this very Inn's walls, and I need you to return the favor. They took my ring, and that's all I want back. Will you do it?

: *pushes you in the ribs* Our finesse is unappreciated here, my good lord.

: I will help you.

: I thank you. The creatures were just north of the Inn. I swear I could almost see them from the upper rooms. Bring my ring back here when you get it. You'll know it when you see it. It's a flamedance ring, and very striking.

Our lack of early access to stupidly overpowered equips also means we need to put some amount of thought and strategy into the encounter with Tarnesh. Theoretically we could charge him with our main guy, but we're a spellcaster and doing so this early in the game is suicide. It wouldn't be game over, but we'd be sacrificing a damage dealer for no good reason.

The arrows Imoen has equipped here are important to the strategy.

: There are a few simple and effective ways of neutralising a hostile spell-thrower - one is to get up close and stick a sword through their ribs, another is stop them casting spells against you. These enchanted arrows carry a specialized form of the common Silence spell, capable of preventing any sounds from being created within it's sphere of radius. However, since the enchantment is not entirely reliable, and is relatively short lived, the best way of neutralising a hostile spell-thrower is never to meet one!

STATISTICS:

Special: 50% chance target is silenced for 2 rounds (save vs spells to resist)
Damage: 1D6
Damage type: missile (piercing)
Weight: 0
Launcher: Bow
Not usable by:
Cleric
Druid
Mage

They're part of a mod that adds a wide variety of such arrows to the item tables. Imoen either starts with these arrows, or I found these arrows on the bandits by Ed Greenwood. I honestly can't remember at this point, though if I'm being honest, it probably doesn't matter.

With that in mind, the only damage dealers relevant to this fight are Imoen, Montaron and ass wolf. The spellcasters could try flinging level 1 spells, but it'd be a waste of a slot.

Now's as good a time as any to point out, by the way, that ass wolf is magnetized to the main character. You can command him to move to a specific group of enemies or place on the map, but when combat is over or a certain amount of time has passed between commands he'll begin walking back towards whoever is designated as CHARNAME for the session.

Alright, Tarnesh. Let's do this.

Montaron is expendable in this scenario. His job was to take the dialogue in the face - any damage he deals is just icing on this proverbial cake.

Unfortunately, ass wolf is not immune to panic.

Overall, things went smoothly. Now to loot his red sand-laden corpse, because loot is more important than ever.

: Look! Here's somethin'... Hey? Think I can turn ya into a frog? Hold on, lemme try... Manos! Potentis! PAH...!

: Yes, the casting voice is actually spelt out. No, that's not what the casting voice in BG1 says.

: Ha ha. Very funny, Imoen. That's party treasure. You shouldn't be messing around with that, you could ruin it. Now hand it over.

: Yeesh. Some sense of humor YOU have! Those 'spells' or whatever, the things in the back? They look kinda important. I won't mess with those. But these lil' old things in the front... Betcha even I could learn some of them. I'm gonna try, anyway.

: Well, I suppose it will be all right. Just be careful, okay?

: Hey! I told ya! Dontcha worry 'bout me. I'm no dummy. I know what I'm doin'. I'll be 'slingin' spells' in no time. Haha!

This never lets up.

And with that, we can finally explore the interior of the Friendly Arm.

As we saunter in, we’re met with this wizard fellow clogging the feedback box with his text floats.

: Now what do you want? Do you not see that I’m busy... oh. What a large weapon you have...

: It’s alright, you need not fear me. I come in peace.

: Oh... good to hear. Yes. Very appeasing. I thought I would end up in one of those bar fights I heard about. But you seem to be more civilized than you look. Say, you would not happen to be of the adventuring kind, would you?

: Well... I think we could be described like that.

: Alright, here goes. First I should introduce myself to you. My name is Ygnatius Bombatius III, mostly called Ygnatz. You certainly know all the stories that are told about the great Karlini and you’re probably aware of how valuable his spellbook is.

: Uh... no?

: What?? You do not know the great Karlini? So... you leave me speechless.

: Why do you not tell me about him?

: As you wish... Hey there! A round for me and my friends! Attention then. Karlini was not always called Karlini. His real name is Karl Jansen, and his origins lay in Amn. His family has long been established there and is great in the turnip trade, so they say. But that was not enough for the great Karlini. He wanted more! He wanted to fly high! He wanted to fly as high as a gnome could go. And he managed it, Garl Glitzergold be my witness! He has developed the basic formulas for probably a dozen spells, invented the soaring marble cake and he created a hybrid between tapir and macaque (do not ask me what has become of it, though). He is the originator of the formula “Gold to Stone” (his only flop in more than 100 years) and “Karlini’s Cold Cobblers Clutch” (an evolution of Bigby’s work, I think). And he was the first gnome who... but I think you don’t want to know that, not in this detail. In any case, Karlini wrote down all his discoveries and records into one book. This spellbook bristles with irreplaceable knowledge of gnome wisdom... however Karlini has been missing for some time, and nobody knows what exactly happened to him. But... you can rejoice! I have localized the book! It is here on the Sword Coast! More precisely in Ulcaster’s School!

: And now you wish that I secure the book for you?

: That’s right, young man. I can mark the ruins on your map and when you come back then I will pay you 300 pieces of gold cash in hand. How does that sound?

: This sounds like an arrangement. We have a deal.

: We could try haggling him up to 500, but the quest reward is worth more than that.

: That’s to my liking, my liking! Let’s waste no more time and whooshy-whooshy set off! The Ulcaster Ruins are waiting!

I’m not sure what compels modders to retroactively insert “foreshadowing” into this game. Keep this in mind, because this is an overarching theme.

Anyway, I'd love to stick around and tell you some more of what horrors lie within, but I have some RAM waiting to be installed, and my eyes are getting weary. So until we meet again, have some more words from our "sponsors..."

 

[Archwizard Hank]

I won’t lie to you, fair readers of the thread. I am a deeply introspective man; in the near-month since I delivered the horrors of update 3 to you, I have been on a mission of self-discovery. I have consulted the arcane texts of Crowley and have been given the word of the Law. I have plundered the depths of digital depravity, inviting untold and unknown measures of debauchery into innocent virtual realms. I constructed a hexadecimal house, its walls lined with the forgotten smut rags of society’s runoff. I moved electric mountains, erecting a megalopolis of RAM in the heretical image of corporate Cyberpunk. On all of these things, I meditated like the Buddha beneath the Bodhi, and I meditated on these things not because of any heretofore unspoken need to put off recording more footage for this thread; No, again, I won’t lie to you. The footage for this thread is prerecorded.

On these things, I meditated in an attempt to internalize the contents of the footage and how, exactly, I should present them and comment over them. And I ambled upon an understanding: That Update 3 was unforgivably short.

So, in light of this, I give you Update 4, and a notice that Update 3 has now been appropriately expanded.

UPDATE 4: 20 different herbs and spices

Having finished our long and painful conversation with the gnome wizard Ygnatz, we're compelled to what appears to be a clone of Volo loitering at the bar.

You might just miss him, if not for the fact that he, too is clogging the feedback box with his text floats. This is Lake Poet Sam, part of a group of “Lake Poets” who loiter around the major taverns. Because he’s based off of Volo, he can’t be killed.

...Hm? You don't remember Ygnatz? Ah, I understand. You didn't check back on the revised version of Update 3. Well, go ahead and do that. It's okay. I'll wait for you.

...Done? Caught up? Good, glad to see we're all on the same page. Now, as I was saying, there's a Lake Poet.

: Hello there! I find myself in need of coin. Allow me to introduce myself. I am Sam, a bard of no small ability. Could I interest you in commissioning some of my work?

: Every lake poet offers roughly four or five ways to “sing a song about your deeds.” From a pure RP perspective, it’s just a trick. You pay the lake poet thinking they’ll improve your rep, but instead you get a decrease that’s more powerful if you paid for the more expensive song. If you have any vanilla NPCs with you, they’ll either advise against using the lake poet (if good) or lobby for using his services (if evil/idiotic.) This is where the RP breaks down and the metagaming begins, because he’s purely here to add a cheap, peaceful way to decrease rep so you can balance things out if you have a mixed alignment party. In any case, it’s early in the game, so we don’t need him now. But we'll revisit him later.

: No thank you, I do not need your services today.

: Well, if you change your mind, I am performing here regularly.

Let’s pick up these goons. There’s no way it’ll end horribly.

: It is almost a slight on him, but I see it too.

: Jaheira! M-mind your m-m-manners! This must be the child that Gorion wrote of so often.

: We are old friends of your adopted father. He is not with you? I must assume the worst; he would not permit his only child to wander without his accompaniment.

: If... if he has passed, we share your loss.

: Gorion often said that he worried for your safety, even at the expense of his own. He also wished that Khalid and I would become your guardians, if he should ever meet an untimely end. However, you are much older now, and the choice of companions should be your own.

: We could t-travel with you until you get settled; help you find your l-lot in life.

: It would be a fitting last service to Gorion, though we should first go to Nashkel. Khalid and I... look into local concerns, and there are rumors of strange things happening at the mine. No doubt you have heard of the iron shortage? You would do well to help us. It affects everyone, including you. We are to meet the mayor of the town, Berrun Ghastkill.

: Isn’t it great, Archwizard Hank? We made it through the forest full of gibberlings and wolves, and now we are meeting *real* adventurers! Things are lookin’ up! Hey, Auntie Jaheira, I am Imoen! A friend of Archwizard Hank’s... Actually, more like a guardian than a friend, ya know? Lookin’ after him, and all that.

: As has been previously pointed out, Bandits have long since supplanted gibberlings as the dominant predator in the local ecosystem.

: Adventurers generally do not call each other ‘auntie,’ Imoen. But enough distractions. Gorion had mentioned you in his correspondence, praising your fast friendship with his ward. You are welcome to come along.

: Your company would be welcome.

: Well good! We’ll leave as soon as you’re ready, though it should be soon.

: Yeah! Uncle Khalid and Auntie Jaheira are coming with us! This is going to be a great adventure, after all!

: *sigh*

This is one of the worst dialogues in the early game, and as long as you have Imoen, you'll get it even if you've detoured all the way to Beregost and beyond before picking up these two. There is no flag to tell the game not to expose you to this. I hate it.

Khalid and Jaheira's classes are untainted by mod filth, so let's move on to their inventories.

Khalid's inventory is par for the course, but Jaheira here has something special.

: In trying to duplicate the natural regeneration abilities of trolls and other creatures, mages have pushed the boundaries further and further. The mixture for this potion is the result of a particularly gruesome series of experiments, which are reflected in how the potion works. Upon drinking the bitter tasting liquid, the imbiber falls to the ground in a deep coma. While in this deep coma, the target appears dead (and is hence ignored by ravenous monsters), though in reality the opposite is true - the target is recuperating wounds and damage at a rapid rate. The real negative to using this potion comes from the fact that it works by accessing the negative energy inherent within all beings - this causes a permanent loss of vitality.

STATISTICS:
Special: Imbiber will not be directly targeted by enemies
Special: Regain 1hp/second for 5 rounds
Special: -5 Maximum HP per use

This seems like it might be an interesting idea on paper for managing crowds, but the drawback is too great. For whatever reason, the potion mod seems to love giving me these more than any of the other variants, so they're effectively just "free money."

Making our way upstairs, we acquire special pants. There's also some business about spiders in a house, but it's all very dreary vanilla game buggery. We didn't come here for that.

We came here for this.

: Just practicin' my sneakin' up on people. Didn't mean to scare you.

: The writer for this mod is inconsistent regarding how they handle Imoen's phonetics, not that I had to point that out to you ya.

: Well, you d-didn't - q-quite.

: Hey, c'mon. How am I gonna improve, if I don't practice?

: I'd say you have the basics down very well. Next time, warn me what you are up to. That will make a real t-test for your abilities.

: Yep! You're on!

Back here in the kitchen, there's a chef who'll sell shit to us. What?

but why?

I don't

fuck the world

 

[Storyfag]

Your sanity is a fitting tribute to the Codex! It shall be accepted.

 

[Strange Fellow]

This is great stuff, keep it coming

 

[Archwizard Hank]

I neglected to open the LP with this, in spite of the fact that the game itself opens with this quote. It is, perhaps, the most quoted or misquoted Nietzsche-ism on the worldbrain today. Its relevance to this thread is obvious to anyone here who has spent more than a year on the net, but I've saved it for now because of Nietzsche's other infamous Nietzsche-ism: "God is Dead."

We live in uncertain times. Our continued existence is in jeopardy. What we understand of reality offers no existential gratification, and the metaphysical is merely a security blanket of fantasy. When Nietzsche originally claimed "God is Dead," he was stating in poetic terms that "God" (or any higher power) never existed, because the Age of Enlightenment created conditions which rendered divine metaphysics unfeasible. However, if we take his statement as a purely assertive one, we can apply the same principles of the Age of Enlightenment and deconstruct it. How can something be dead if it never existed? What real relevance is there to "God" being dead? If the goal of theology is existential gratification, "God" or "Gods" are a non-factor. Surely the reality of consciousness beyond brain death is more important.

This LP holds no answers, and no existential truth. We stand at the precipice of the New Machine God, forged from the carcass of Nietzsche's isms and fueled by the dead heart of metaphysics. We are in the grand chapel of Big World, and there is no escape. No recall or intervention will work in this place.

UPDATE ???

You have found the first sermon of Hank, which is a tapestry of eleven-dimensional space. Its non-equations and anti-math form the sinew that would become BIG WORLD, the heathen machine which would rule until Armageddon. *Know* that BIG WORLD ruled not out of choice or out of divine right, but out of its foul programming, woven into the anti-cardinal directions of eleven-dimensional space, transcendent far beyond time. This METAL BEAST formed the foundation of destiny in New Realmspace, as it would come to be known, for Old Realmspace perished in the war with the dread Crabmen of the Sorcerous Place.

: Bugger me. This again? I was hoping the worldbrain was finally above this tired joke.

: The Great Wheel has already been set in motion. It cannot be undone.

: Honestly, I'm not really sure anyone likes this cheap excuse for comedy anymore.

: The subversion has become just as tired. There is no escape. We either commit and face mediocrity, or end it now and face mediocrity. Mediocrity is the fate of this day. It is written in the tapestry of the cosmos, in the crabbed hand of our heathen godhead BIG WORLD.

: What in the nine hells are you talking about? Big world is a shitty mod collection. You're insane.

: The ending of the words is the word APRILOFOOLO. I give this to you as Volo.

regular updates will resume later this week probably

 

[Archwizard Hank]

It was another cold morning in the city. I had just woken up from the usual round of Corona Lite, and my head wouldn't forgive me for it. The hellish glow of the Denny's billboard outside my office felt like a thousand jackhammers on my frontal lobe. Suddenly, there was a knock at my door, like the Four Horsemen had risen from hell and my office was ground fucking zero.
"Who the hell is it?" I asked, barely able to string words together over the haze. The Corona was fading, but I'd probably be feeling this all the way into tomorrow.
In walked Reginald P.G. Dexter, that short bastard from downtown. What the hell did he want? He looked pissed off.
"You're in deep shit Slick," he started, at a volume I really could have done without, "you forgot about the Big World case. People're dying out there and it's YOUR fault, Slick!"
Of course, he was exaggerating. People die every day, this damn case wouldn't change that. But he was right, I slipped up. I forgot. I told him I'd be back in a week, and I fucked up.
Guess I should fix that.

UPDATE 5: Neo-Noir

I exited my office, trying to clear my head. The sun was like somebody pouring hot acid into my fucking eyeballs. Not great. Another dead body on the streets. I needed to take a walk, get some distance. I needed to be as far away from here as possible, because this place contained only madness and death.

On my way out of town, I was verbally assaulted by some broad. Who the fuck was she? What, did she want me to sign a petition? Wait, no, I remember now. Oh god. It's all coming back to me. This Film Noir schtick was just some twisted coping mechanism, designed by the subconsciousness to help me forget.
But we're too early in the game to succumb to that now.

: It has been interesting, to say the least. Not quite what I had in mind either, but it's not like I have a choice.

: That's 'we' remember? And yeah, 'spose we don't have much choice at that. Still, we can do a lot of good, I think. Wonder if they'll make a tale of our adventures? Just think, one day folks will be in the common room of some inn, maybe even Candlekeep Inn, and ask a bard to tell 'em a tale of 'Imoen the Quick and her trusty side-kick, Archwizard Hank!'

: Someone already wrote a re-telling of Baldur's Gate, and from what I understand, it's terrible.

: 'Side-kick'...!?

: Oh, okay. We'll be partners, I 'spose. What ya think? 'Imoen the Quick' sounds good to you? Quick with the blade and wit! All the best heroes and heroines have handles. Hmmm, maybe 'Imoen the Terrible'? Nah, too dark. 'Imoen the Bold'? 'Imoen the Sly'? 'Imoen the Magnificent'? Hey that sounds pretty good!

: Uh-huh. Imoen, the Pinnacle of Annoyance, the Epitome of Vexation and the Champion of Besetment!

: If you know your NPC is annoying, why would you write so many goddamn interjections?

: Well! You're being rude today! Guess I'll just keep quiet and wait for ya to come beggin' for something from little old Imoen.

It should be noted that ass wolf isn't invincible. On the way over here to pick up the Flamedance ring, I had to reload several times before finding a strategy that didn't get him killed. In general, if numbers are overwhelming and he can't keep up with the damage, he'll die; sort of a glass cannon approach. He needs support in order to work.

Of course, eventually we obtained and turned in the ring for precious quest XPs on our way out, but no quest golds because of course not. While trying and failing to get the ring, though, I learned that ass wolf drops something peculiar when he dies.

: This is the most intact piece of your animal companion, Haiass. Perhaps a priest with enough ability can use the bone to resurrect the wolf. The drain will likely be great, however, as it is in any case where the dead are brought back to the world of the living. Raised wolves have also been known to return as vampiric creatures, so there is some risk involved with this procedure.
STATISTICS:
Special:
90% chance to resurrect Haiass
10% chance Haiass returns as a vampiric wolf
Constutition -4 for 4 turns
Usable by:
Cleric
Druid

The upshot is, unlike normal summons or wizard familiars, ass wolf is just as immortal as any NPC as long as you have someone who can use this item. The "downside" to this is that he might return as a vampiric wolf, but I haven't been able to test this to confirm if it removes his Biotic Vanguard abilities which scale in level with you. If not, it's actually an upside, and the metagame is to repeatedly kill and resurrect ass wolf until he becomes vampiric.

On the way to Beregost, we tear the Belt Ogre a new one just because we can.

For our efforts, we're rewarded with more of this drek.

: Eh... no, just lint and crumbs. Why? You're holding something back?

: I am not. Just the poor tools of my trade, as you have those of yours.

: Mm-hmm. A surgical knife and gloves, parchment, quills, ink, a ball of gut-string, four empty ceramic vials, and two steel vials that feel empty. What are these stoppered with, anyway? It isn't cork. Seems more like some kind of tar.

: The Dame gave Xavier the Nth degree, not more than an hour or so after she suffered a mental relapse and started calling J-J and K her "Auntie and Uncle." Either this Dame was internally inconsistent, or she was hiding something beneath that layer of childish wonderment. *Ahem.* Sorry, the Noir still isn't fully out of my system.

: You *have* been curious. They are non-reactive plugs made by specialists back at... of my acquaintance. One never knows when one might wish to preserve a... specimen.

: Specimen? Of what?

: One never knows. Why just the other day, I espied what I took for a specimen of true happiness. Alas! It fled before I could make certain of it.

: Bet that happens to you a lot.

: All things come to those who aspire... and wait. Wait for someone to finish the drudge-work, damn their idle-bones! Why *can't* they do their work, and let me get on with mine?

: Maybe you haven't waited long enough yet.

: *sigh* Probably not. Would you like a jelly drop, Imoen?

: Uh... do you have any?

: I had some once-upon-a-time, and I should like another. Please keep that in mind, should you run across any, hmmm?

Holy Christ. Note that this happens virtually every time we attempt to rest, up until the mod either runs out of dialogue for the NPC or dialogue for the chapter. Unfortunately there's so much dialogue, you could go through the whole game three times and never see all of it. I may have to resort to dumping the raw text, in the end. But we'll burn that bridge when we come to it.

Speaking of things that need to be burned...

: Montaron... What are you doing to those poor things?

: Astute viewers will note that Imoen has been equipped with the Girdle of Gender. Why? I ask you, why not?

: Eh, you wants squirrel stew fer supper, ye gotta bleed 'em nice, thicken the broth.

: But they're still alive!

: So are lobsters, usually, but that doesn't stop the upper class for some reason.

: *Course* they still be alive. They stops bleedin' if they dies, don't they?

: Ewww! I couldn't eat a bite of that!

: More fer the rest o' us, then, lovey-face.

These diversions are only protracting an already long and arduous journey through a sea of wolves and bandits, none of which have any right to be this early in the game.

Except, perhaps, for here.

: There is no surrender for carrion like these.

: Have ta kill ya now. Nothin' personal, ya understand?

We didn't survive. A reload takes us right back to after we killed the belt ogre and finished chatting with our NPCs.

Taking the long way around, we're brought to these two suspicious yokels loitering just outside Beregost.

: I'm Lord Oti the Glansman, Lord of Castle Halwater. This is Marthana Shipsail, the most beautiful bard to have ever graced the Sword Coast, and my appointed agent. She will fill you in on the details of what needs to be done.

: Yes. We have a sad tale to tell. Would you be help us recover good Lord Oti's name and lost fortune?

: It's obvious that they originally planned to write "Would you be so kind as to" and didn't hit backspace enough

: Tell us more.

: It's like this: when Lord Oti's mother died she left him a vast inheritance. Chief among the items Lord Oti inherited from his mother's estate was a document proclaiming ownership rights to Castle Halwater in Featherdale. Oti took this letter to show his "friend", Butler Travenhurst. Butler stole the letter then had Lord Oti promptly thrown out of town. Somehow he has convinced the town militia that Lord Oti must not be allowed to return.

: It's true! The heel has the town convinced I'm the one who has done something wrong! He has stolen the deed and my inheritance!

: Lord Oti has engaged my services to discover how best to delicately retrieve the Castle Halwater Deed. This is where you come in, if you are interested.

: What exactly are you asking?

: Retrieve the deed to Castle Halwater letter from Butler Travenhurst and Lord Oti shall see that you are handsomely rewarded. Butler is likely holed up in Travenhurst Manor inside the town limits. If murdering a noble had crossed your mind I would urge you to reconsider. I would not recommend attacking him because he may have hidden the document. Lord Oti is interested in retrieving his inheritance, not in bloody vengeance.

: You will be handsomely rewarded once you retrieve the deed, 4500 gold should be a reasonable fee for a simple job such as this. Additionally, I offer you a magic trinket from a selection of items that were found among my mother's things.

: Just from memory, Travenhurst will demand 5000GP from you to buy back the deed, leaving you 500GP in debt. This is a non-reward. The magical trinket is a one-use manual which can apply a kit using a script.

: We will retrieve the document and return it to you.

: Lort Oti and I will be here waiting anxiously for your return.

And holy shit, now that we're done with that conversation, we've actually made it to Beregost. Can you believe it? I almost can't.

God damnit.

: I haven't seen enough of it yet to have much of an opinion.

: Moralintern for life!

: We'll see what she has for us then! Uh... better let me do the talking, Archwizard Hank. A hayseed like you in the 'big city' like this, oooh... pretty scary!

: Hayseed? When did you become so sophisticated, little Miss Worldly?

: Am I the only one who gets the impression that these mod NPC dialogues were written in separate rooms by separate authors who never saw eye to eye?

: Oh, I've been all over with Winthrop before we came to Candlekeep. You should know that! But... heh, guess you're right. I was kinda little at the time. Let's find a nice place and get some rooms. I haven't had a hot bath in ages! They say Feldepost's is a good inn, we should try there. After that, I'm going shopping. We need some supplies. Let's see... We need a new frying pan, since you ruined the one we have.

: Whatever you say.

: Whatever you say, grouchy.

Hopefully this is the last of the mod dialogues for a while. The Beregost greeter is up ahead, but he's harmless.

Wait, what!? How? Why???

: If you could direct me to an affordable inn, I would much appreciate it.

: We have many inns for the frugal adventurer. The Red Sheaf has basic rooms, though the clientele is a touch rowdy. There are also the Burning Wizard and the Jovial Juggler, which also have finer suites. The Red Sheaf is near the center of town, as is the Burning Wizard. The Jovial Juggler is a bit further along, and sits on the southern edge of the city.

: Thanks for your help.

: No problem, friend. Enjoy your stay. Wait... no, wait... can I ask you something?

: (oh fuck)

: Absolutely, what is bugging you?

: It looks like you haven't been in Beregost for a long time... Maybe you need a skillful wanderer... I can hadle this wonder nicely.

: Are you talking about this flail?

: Certainly, about it and myself...

: Don't all peasants use a flail in the fields? Isn't it created for that?

: This is technically true. Flails were used in threshing, the same thing a combine harvester is used for today. However, military ball-and-chain flails or "chain maces" such as depicted in BG2 would be relatively useless for this purpose. They also might not have even existed, but that's another matter.

: Are you laughing at it? Maybe I shouldn't have said anything...

Will takes offense at our citation of basic facts and ends the dialogue here. Unfortunately, we can't have that, because we need him.

: Welcome, haven't you had enough of joking yet? Look for someone else...

: Calm down, I didn't want to insult. If you want to, you can join me.

: I'm very glad to join you. Beregost is a nice town, but I'm being drawn to adventures...

: Is there anything else?

: Uhm... how should I tell you... At Feldepost's I pledged my favourite flail, you know, I needed money for a living... If we get some gold, I could take it back...

: How much then?

: At least 1000 gp... Eckhm... I also commissioned an armor at Taerom's smithy... For 5000 gp... I don't even know how I would be able to pay for it... However he told me the job would take much time to finish due to my orders...

: There will be plenty of time to think about it. Let's move.

We sub out Khalid's corpse in favor of this... *Thing,* which by all rights should *be* a corpse.

This is starting to get irksome.

: Don't say a word... you found my ring, didn't you, brother?

: Ah, yes, here is your los...

: Thanks, good friend. (In fact, Im sure you personally took it out of my hands). I need it.

: You're welcome, good bye.

Wait, I recognize that name.
https://baldursgate.fandom.com/wiki/Golin_Vend

You first meet Golin Vend when he greets you as you enter Beregost for the first time.

Depending on what you ask him he will direct you to the best shops, bars and beds in the town.

You bastards! You took his job! TERK HIS JERB! DERK A DERRR!!!

...Anyway, uh, Golin Vend gave us a magical ring.

: Will does not want to tell where the ring comes from, but its advantages are rare and it probably was done by a friend of Will with magical powers.

STATISTICS:
Reduction of damage from magic: 20%
Usable Only By: Will

Around half of all mod NPCs come equipped with trash that's only usable by them, often as a cheap means of making them stand out among the crowd. The ultimate irony is that by making NPC-only equips standard practice, it actually makes NPCs with generic starting equips stand above NPCs with unique special snowflake magic trash. My standard MO is to dump this kind of stuff in the space hole and wait until I get a thief with Use Any Item so I can deck them out in this crap.

Also, since this is our first mod NPC, that means we have our first mod biography to endure.

Scarlet Will, family name O'Hara, formerly was called Will Tell Helm, but he isn't fond of this name and therefore he managed to convince local people to change it. He's been living in Beregost for some time and commends the peace of the city. He's living in quite good terms with its inhabitants, although he became famous from his participation in a few rows. Nevertheless inhabitants commend his presence, due to his extraordinary courage, he has shown lately, especially during the brushes with the nearby bandits.

Alright I'm sorry this LP has devolved into a fucking quote bonanza, but what the fuck is a row?

Definition of row (Entry 5 of 6)

: a noisy disturbance or quarrel

So, a riot? Is Will Scarlet supposed to be a communist? What the fuck???

Also, this is the first time since update 1 that we've been able to examine a mod NPC's voice set. So here it is, now for the first time ever available in high fidelity stereo sound straight from the game data.

A lot more muffled than the last NPC soundset, and the guy seems to come from the school of "Yelling Equals Acting." Also, the bits of Default Male Soundset 5 scattered in there aren't a mistake on my part, Will actually alternates between those two voices.

Next time, we try and fail to find documents in a sparsely-guarded nobleman's estate and find some more mod NPCs.
But until then, here are some more words from our "sponsors..."

 

[Ninjerk]

I guess we're just going to ignore ol' Ben?

 

[Archwizard Hank]

I've been glossing over a lot of NPCs who seemed unmolested by mods, but I'll go out of my way to talk to him next time I'm there just for you.

He seems to be the one innkeeper in all the Sword Coast without any NPC mod that adds some inane, stupid commentary about him, but I could be wrong. Maybe the mod community ignored him too?

 

[Ninjerk]

Will Scarlet O'Hara is Ben Stiller.

 

[Archwizard Hank]

Never let it be said that I'd win in a contest of "Celebrity Guess Who" against you, Ninjerk. Would you blame me for assuming you meant Bentley Mirrorshade?

Anyway...

UPDATE 6: An Update for Ants

The imaginary few among you with long attention spans who stalk me outside of this thread and give a shit about what I post will no doubt remember this shameful and embarassing post where I showed my hand and detailed exactly how much prerecorded footage I had to work with. So in light of this, I've gone and doubled the amount of footage, and this update will be dedicated to the remainder of what I originally had. You know, to make up for the unforgivably long hiatus.

Where we last left off, we dumped a corpse in the street and took on Derek Zoolander, who seems to be trying out the "Red Steel" look. All his looks are the same, so it's not like it matters much.

As you might recall, we were given a mission to steal a land deed. Or buy it back, or something. I wouldn't blame you if your eyes glazed over for that particular dialogue. We can't complete this quest now, but there's no harm in casing the joint.

The Manor House (Or "Travenhurst Manor," if this mod quest is to be believed) isn't really anything special. In the vanilla game, you aren't given any significant reason to go inside aside from your own agency as the player. No vanilla quests use it (that I'm aware of) and no quest NPCs live here, so I suppose the mod scores points for giving it a purpose.

If you were thinking the deed would be in any of those bookshelves, you'd have thought wrong. Upstairs is no different. The only noteworthy loot in the manor is a Wand of Lightning, some potions and some minor jewelry. Every other container holds minor lore books.

We'll return to Travenhurst Manor after we've saved up enough GP to just buy the damn quest macguffin. In the meantime, here are some suspicious looking dwarves.

: What happened?

: It happened like this. Me and me adventurin' companion, Zankas, heard tell of a magical treasure hoard over along the coast that is ripe for the taking. So we went over there. Unfortunately, it was guarded by fierce blue skinned creatures.

: They were Sirens - blood-thirsty creatures that prey upon the living.

: I haven't really been showing off all the portraits these mods add to completely random NPCs, so here's the portrait for Zankas.

I honestly have no clue what kind of self-respecting dwarf would be going around beardless.

: The blasted Sirens started shooting at me with their twice blasted bows. I charged at them with me axe raised- but then everything went black. I... lost control of meself. The last thing I remember is how lovely those blue skinned women looked.

: It's okay, Durin. We all saw James Cameron's "Avatar."

: I went into a rage when I saw my friend fall under the Siren's spell. I grabbed him to drag him away from those evil creatures before they could devour him or gods know what else they would have done.

: While under the Siren's foul spell, I attacked my friend Zankas and inflicted a couple of serious wounds on him. He did eventually get me away from those evil temptresses though, saving me life. Anyway, after I regained control over me mind, I was back here in Beregost.

: So what do you want me to do?

: Because I kept slashing at him, Zankas knocked away me prized axe, which happened to be precious to me. It has been in me family for generations and has been known to split a skull or two and it has great sentimental value. If ye can get back me axe, I'd be grateful. We dare not attempt going back there and facing those Sirens again after what happened.

: I will help you.

: Return with me family axe and I will reward ye. No doubt one of them foul creatures is using it to shave her back or clip the nails of her crooked smelly claws. Bah, I don't want to think about me axe being used for that, it's too upsetting. Just get it back as ye please.

If you haven't caught on to the long-winded writing style and NPC portraits by now, this is yet another quest from the mod that adds kit tomes. Most of the quests are just innocuous fetch quests, but the one for Travenhurst Manor is probably the worst.

With that done, we can finally check out the Thunderhammer Smithy.

Oh, hell. Remember this guy? No? Remember when I told you his mod's translation wasn't fucking finished? Yeah, I thought not. What follows is an on-the-fly translation of his exchange with Taerom Fuiruim, starting with the line in this screencap. Everything is machine-translated, and I hold no responsibility for any meaning or sense that is lost along the way.

: (Braegar rummages in a lorry full of pig iron) That cursed iron! All the devils of the Abyss should come in there! RANCY ELF SHIT! ON THE WALL WITH YOU! SO! ARGASHMEGORLIMBUZZURKARASH!

: I know enough German to know he really does say "Elf Shit." Seriously. "Elfenscheisse."

: Braegar! You're still chasing the customers away from me!

: Pah, if you let yourself be put off by your stuff here night, a few clear words will not chase away! Take a look at that, THAT is what you call your handiwerk? That I'm not laughing! Ha!

: But now it's enough! Listen, I am grateful to you for helping me with something, but sometime it has to be good too!

: And how do you * want * to know when is enough? I haven't really started yet, Buzzurk!

: How would it be if you returned to your work? That should take your attention enough.

: Pah! I'll hammer a door hinge like this together if you cut off my arm!

: If you don't calm down slowly, I * chop * off your arm!

: Come here and try it out, your would-be blacksmith!

: That would suit you, huh?

: Oh, do what watch wants, beginners.

That was certainly worth translating and not at all a waste of everyone's time.

Speaking to Taerom starts off with a regular greeting in English, and descends into more of this madness as the mod bleeds over. Looks like it was a bit too early to think I could take off my translating shoes. Here's a translation of the exchange, starting with Taerom's English greeting.

: Hello there. Is there anything I can do for you on this fair day?

: For starters, you could stop sounding like an idiot and try a little to get your stuff out there. This is terrible here!

: It's worth noting that Braegar's dialogue is written in a sort of Germlish. Instead of any actual German equivalent to "idiot," the original text just uses "idiot." Which is honestly a shame, as German insults are quite a spectacle. My personal favorite is "Teletubbyzurückwinker," or "a retard who waves back at the teletubbies."

: Braegar, what did I tell you? If there are customers, then you hallowed!

: (I think this is supposed to be "If there are customers, then shut up!" but I'll not question the wisdom of the all-knowing machine.)

: Could you show us what you have for sale?

Unfortunately, we can't afford anything Taerom has for sale, but we do make several hundred gold by selling off worthless crap we nabbed off of dead hobgoblins and bandits earlier.

Heading out to the southern end of town, we meet this Yeslick clone who seems intent on selling us shit. We can't afford any of his stuff either.

You might find yourself wondering how anyone in their right mind could have over 10,000 GP to blow in Beregost, but in the following updates it'll become clear that my attempt to cheat in gold was pretty pointless. This game basically showers you with money. (If this were a lower-class LP, you might even say it's a golden shower, but we're above such humor.)

A few blocks over, we perform some pest control. All vanilla game stuff, nothing to write home about.

You thought we had escaped this? You thought wrong.

: Let him lie where he is. I shall build a proper mausoleum over the site when all of this is done.

: A noble sentiment, but the jackals won't necessarily share it in the meantime.

Imoen died fighting the spiders, by the way.

We COULD just revive her at a temple, but we're strapped for cash, and there's a convenient tavern full of shady NPCs right over here.

We enter and stumble upon what appears to be a crime in progress, but it's unclear as to what kind of crime.

: Don't try that! Gimme back my money, now!

: Please, I don't know what yer talkin about! O-ow, it hurts! My wrist! [She looks at you.] Help me!

: Hey, what's going on here? Let the girl go!

: Editor's note: All the dialogue options for this part of the sequence are just two variations of "yes." There's "good yes" and "asshole yes."

: Oh, thank you! [She massages her wrist.]

: What do ya want now?

: Just know what's going on. Why were you holding the girl?

: I was just passing by when--

: I was 'ere drinkin' when she stole me money bag! Just wanna take it back!

: That's not true! I-I swear, I didn't take anything! At all!

: I'm not a moron enough to let you go away with me belongings!

: Can't you just be mistaken? You drank so much!

: You do smell like beer a lot. How much did you drink?

: We can pay him off, but fuck it, we're not exactly rolling in money.

: I-I fear enough to be high..

: I'm not drunk! And if the bitch doesn't give my things back now..

: That's rude!

: It's here that the dialogue options actually open up. We can variously lie to him about our financial status, threaten to kill him, accuse Rose of stealing his money, or side with Rose.

: I can not force the girl to give you money without proof of the theft, and I wish I had some spare money to give you in case but, as a matter of fact, I don't have any. Go talk to the guards if you want, but until then leave her alone.

: That's some speech!

: It's also a bold-faced lie. We had more than enough money to pay him off.

: To the guards? TO THE GUARDS?? And ye think they'd listen to someone like me without witnesses or evidence? Blast ye! I hope ye'll rot in hell!

It's here that the dialogue technically ends, but Rose comes up to us.

: My pleasure. May I ask you your name?

: I'm Rose, pleased to meet ya! Here, this is your share. *smiles* Consider it like a thank you for what you did!

: She gives us 23 GP. Assuming this is a 50/50 split, our bold-faced lie is incredibly bold.

: My... Share? So you DID stole his money!

: The revelation is so shocking, our character briefly forgets how to verb tense

: *giggle* He should watch his bag a bit more carefully.. Even if he spotted me. I should've been more careful too..

: That's not the point! I helped a thief!

: Oh, boy.. Ye are one of those goody goody saint-wannabe, ain't ya?

: No, he just doesn't like being used like a condom.

: Well, not really.. But you shouldn't steal from such poor men! How will he be able to sustain his family now?

: Oh, don't feel bad for that one. He's such an idiot.. He spends all his money at drinking anyway, and gets violent when he's drunk. I've seen him sometimes, ya know.

: Strange he didn't recognize you, then!

: What, strange he didn't recognize me when he always saw me while drunk? I'd say that's not that strange, instead!
Say, are you by chance willingly to accompany me for a bit? Everywhere's fine, I just wanna leave Beregost.

: That's not a problem. I have to warn you, my travels may be a bit dangerous, but you're welcome if you don't mind that.

: Don't worry, I know how to defend myself.

So we sub out Imoen's corpse for Rose. RIP in piss Imoen, you won't be missed. At all.
I've mainly been picking up every mod NPC I see just to briefly show them off, but I'll keep at least one party lineup
through to the end of this game. (You'll know it when it happens.) I've left the decisions out of your hands partly because you have no fucking clue what NPCs I have installed, and partly because you'd all vote Saerileth. But if you want, we can try turning this thread into a democracy if/when I get to BG2. Saerileth won't be on the ticket though. There is literally nothing I can say or do that will add to what has already been said. (Probably.)

Anyway, another mod NPC, another biography.

When asked about her past, Rose gives no details at all and tries to change subject. The only thing you know about her is that she's a beautiful young half-elf that survived of robbery and travelled alone until she met and joined you.

How thrilling. This is the biographical equivalent of "this space intentionally left blank." I assume the mod author planned on dumping all of the important backstory information in the NPC banters, but as you'll soon see, we won't be learning
anything about Rose's (in all likelihood) tragic backstory.
Also, in case you were wondering, Rose uses one of the default female player soundsets. Bonus points to the modder for sparing us their shitty microphone, but points removed for not bothering to find anything beyond the default soundset that came with the game.

Despite all evidence to the contrary, Rose is a bard. This would be all well and good if not for the fact that our good friend Will Scarlet Ben Stiller is also a bard, and the only thing worse than a bard is two bards.

Lucky for us, there's a much better NPC chilling in the corner over here...

: Who are you?

: Name's Vynd. Work?

: Are you a...?

: Yea yea, I'm a dark elf. Call the Fist. Show them all these dead bodies surrounding me. Do you have any work or not?

: What sort of "work" are we talking about?

: Not to encourage any stereotypes, but I'm an armed drow lurking in the corner of a tavern. Use your imagination.

: I could use another travelling companion, actually.

: What, just someone to keep you company? That doesn't sound like it pays much. Wait, you're not an adventurer, are you?

: Is that a problem?

: *sigh* Alright, I guess I've got nothing else going. Equal share of the loot, fifty gold down payment, and I'm not obliged to raise you if you die. Deal?

: We can attempt to haggle his down payment to 25 GP but there's really no point in doing this.

: Deal.

: Lead on, then. I've got everything I'll need. Except my better judgment. That seems to have gone missing.

Vynd is an assassin, so we're ditching Rose in favor of him. Shoutouts to this dialogue tree for basically just being "Here/Here/Stay," because we're already at the Burning Wizard.

Vynd is as close to "good" as any mod NPC we've encountered so far. He just barely approaches the threshold of "mediocre." His soundset is another default Black Isle soundset, this time from Icewindale, so bonus points for actually sourcing sounds from outside this game. He also insists on commenting on every little thing in the game, but most of his comments range from snide witticisms to meta-commentary about the game's writing or how people usually play it.

His commentary will get grating, but for me at least, it'll be close to the end of the game before that starts to happen. I'll let you be the judges, maybe I'm just developing Stockholm syndrome.

Here's his biography:

When asked about his past, Vynd wonders aloud how you'd feel if some nosy bastard you barely know asked for your life story. You've pieced together that he's not new to the surface world, and he left the Underdark by choice. Beyond that, he remains a mystery. A snide, abrasive mystery.

Oh what the hell

: I wonder sometimes if you're really crazy or just looking for attention. You've got the mood swings, the paranoia, the creepy obsession with death; that all seems genuine. But then you start ranting about rabbits and putting on silly voices and it feels like you're trying too hard.

: It's more like the original game wasn't taking itself very seriously, but okay, we'll play ball.

: But I do so love rabbits, Vynd. Their precious little feet twitch for hours even after...hee hee...even after I'm done.

: And then you pull it back to authenticity again. You're a mystery, Xzar.

: Thank you most kindly.

It's high time we left this shithole of a town behind us. We'll return later, when we have deeper pockets and bandits to kill.

The idyllic vista of the northern tradeway is ruined by the omnipresent twaddle of an NPC clogging the infobox with their text floats.

This NPC, to be specific.

: Editor's note: I am a vigilant transcriber, and strive to bring you the most accurate representation of this mod collection's NPC dialogue in all of its error-ridden glory. This is as close as I could get this NPC's text. I may be missing a few vowels or have typed too many. I'm not exactly going to open up this game's innards to check. At least not, like, right now. Maybe later.

: (sniff) Uaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahahahaaaaaa!!!

: Hush, little one. Why are you crying?

: Waaaahahahaaaaa! Jumper! Uaaaaahahahahaaaaaa!

: Jumper? Who is that?

: Jumper is goooohooohoooooooone! Uaaaaaaaaaah!

: Oh my goodness. Who is this Jumper?

: Jumper is my rabbiiiiit! Uahaaaaaaaah, my lovable cuddly fuzzy rabbiiiiiiiiiiit! And now he's goooohooohoooooooone!

: Maybe I can help you. Where did you lose it?

: (sniff) He scampered that whaaaahahay! (points west) Oh please find him quickly, he's so smaaaaaaaaall! (cries)

: Alright, I'm going to find it for you.

: Oh, yes please! Please please please find my Jumper! I'll give you even one thousand millions pieces of gold for it! Please please please!

Well shazzle, we better make like The Village People and go west!

Everyone's favorite X-Men reference is now a joinable NPC. I'll show him off in a bonus update, because really, what the fuck.
Why Bub Snikt? They didn't give him a new soundset, so I can't really squeeze any comedy out of that. I'm sure he has an expansive list of banters with all the vanilla NPCs which run the gamut of terrible to mediocre, but for christ's sake, it's Bub Snikt. He shows up for a minute to reference the X-Men and warn you about ogres. Why is he a joinable NPC?

Making our way around, we find a cave entrance in this mound here.

It seems we've walked in on an ogre in the middle of something unspeakable.

: Haaaahahahahahahahaha! Yes, Little-Ugh rejoices when Ugh brings beautiful fresh herbs! Feast and feast, Little-ugh. Then you will become large and strong!

: *nibbles*

: Oh, Ugh is the happiest ogre in the world! Has found the best friend in the world!

: Uh... Excuse me, what are you doing?

: Ugh has found little rabbit and feeds it with herbs. When it becomes big Ugh and Little-Ugh go eastward together looking for the land of Ogre!

: This wouldn't be Jumper, right?

: No Jumper here! Only Ugh and Little-Ugh!

: Ugh, this is a house rabbit and not a wild rabbit. It clearly comes from a breed and not out of the woods. Look at the clean fur. This animal is clearly a human's pet.

: Er...

: This animal is called Jumper and belongs to a little girl!

: Little-Ugh belongs to girl? Why you no tell, Little-Ugh?

: This girl is pretty sad, Ugh.

: Oh. Ugh does not want a girl sad.

: Then you should give us the rabbit, Ugh.

: But if Little-Ugh is gone Ugh is all alone again.

: Ugh, I swear that I will do everything I can to end your misery. Give Jumper to me and it should not be your loss.

: If elf swears, then Ugh agrees. (sniff) Farewall, Little-Ugh. Ugh will never forget you.

: Ugh is technically talking to Vynd for this conversation, hence "elf."

Time to reap the sweet capitalistic rewards of altruism.

: I... I miss my Jumper.

: Hey, look who's here!

: Juuumpeeeeeer! Jumper jumper jumper! I got you again! Oh, thank you, sir, thank you thank you thank you!

: Say, you would not know where one can get a rabbit as lovely as yours, wouldn't you?

: A rabbit like Jumper? There is no rabbit like mine in the whole wide world. But maybe you want to talk to dad, he breeds and sells bunnies and rabbits. He is probably at the carnival in Nashkel. Right. And we two go home now, Jumper! Happy I am!

Lucky for Ugh, we just happened to be heading to Nashkel anyway.

Heading south, we're accosted by this douche brigade. Anyone who's played the game is familiar with this, but our NPCs have some things to say.

: You have obviously been standing in the sun for too long, soldier, as your head has clearly overheated. I suggest that you cease this foolishness, and let us pass. We are expected by the mayor of Nashkel, himself.

: The mayor of Nashkel himself, eh?

: You've got the wrong guys; we're not part of any bandit gang.

: Really now, and why should we believe you?

: If we were bandits, why were we walking out in the open? Come on, just let us go, we're not the people you're looking for.

: All right, maybe I was wrong about the bunch of you. You're free to go.

Heading further south, we're assaulted by this man with a ridiculous portrait.

This man and his accomplice are part of a mod which I've been calling "shitty portrait assassins," mainly because it'd take too much effort to actually track down which of the thousand some-odd mods actually installs this nightmare.
Every shitty portrait assassin comes equipped with armor and weaponry that can easily take you to the end of vanilla BG2 and possibly through some of vanilla ToB, and they will fucking wreck your shit.
There is no way to avoid them, as they automatically speak to you and are placed at key exits to plot-relevant maps. Later in the game, some of them will cast time stop. I'm serious. Do I look like I'm kidding? This is not the kidding face.

Tristan and Isolde are the easiest portrait assassins, and they can inflict TPK in a little under thirty seconds.

: This certainly does look like Archwizard Hank.

: Shall you strike first or shall I?

: Perhaps you should draw first blood and I'll draw the last.

: Excellent idea my love! Now hold still Archwizard Hank and let us sever your head from your body. We will need it as proof to get our reward.

We can't win this fight normally. We could powerlevel to ridiculous heights, but that would take days. We'd also never have equipment powerful enough to efficiently breach their defenses. We could run, but this won't be the last time the game tosses shitty portrait assassins at us. It's time, then, to evoke the console once more.

This is the Killsword. In vanilla, it's just a Longsword +2 that's coded to instantly kill anything, but some modder was feeling clever and decided to make it this in honor of Lilarcor's "brother."
It doesn't have a description.

We'll be busting this out whenever we encounter an unwinnable fight like this one, and pretty much whenever I feel like increasing the pace of the recording time, which is for most of BG1 because being a sorcerer sucks in the early game.
Being the easiest portrait assassins, Tristan and Isolde were also the most poorly equipped. Isolde was wearing unenchanted armor and wielding a Short Sword +1. Tristan was wearing Chainmail +1 and wielding an unenchanted warhammer, but he was dual-wielding something special.

The Doufas' Sabre was created to be the perfect assassin's tool. It is highly sought after by any who settle differences with a blade, and many that possess it do not do so for long.

STATISTICS:

Damage: 1D8 +3 (+1D4 Magical damage)
THACO: +2 bonus
Damage type piercing
Weight: 5
Speed Factor: 3
Proficiency Type: Small Sword
Type: 1-handed
Special:
+2 attacks
+Holds opponent unless save
Not Usable By:
Druid
Cleric
Mage

A +3/+2 shortsword that adds 2 extra attacks per round. Ridiculous.

Isolde was also dual-wielding a special weapon of her own.

Yarash's Dagger: The dagger of returning was crafted by Yarash the Sorcerer as payment to a band of adventures for the services rendered. Many believe that it is as much it's unusual weight as the magical enchantment that gives the dagger it high level of damage.

STATISTICS:

Damage: 1D4 +3
THACO: +2
Damage type(melee & thrown): piercing
Special: Returns to users hand once thrown
Special: Increases number of attacks
Weight: 3
Speed Factor: 1
Proficiency Type: small sword
Type: 1-handed
Not Usable By:
Cleric

A +3/+2 returning throwing dagger. Would you believe me if I reiterated that these were the worst-equipped portrait assassins?

With this, we head to the Southern Tradeway.

On the way, we're waylaid by hobgoblins. Unfortunately, their numbers are too overwhelming for ass wolf. As you might recall, ass wolf drops an item we can use to resurrect him every time he gets killed. Only divine spellcasters can use it for a temporary CON penalty. Now technically, we could just have Jaheira resurrect him. But what if we ever found ourselves lacking in divine spellcasters?

This is it. This is the reason I rolled up a sorcerer. This is the only sorcerer kit mod, and it has to be applied via an item because the game menu doesn't support kits for the sorcerer by default. It's also broken as fuck. You can easily solo the vanilla game with this build once you hit BG2.

The item in question is supposed to be given to us in Irenicus's Dungeon, but it's kind of buggy. You might apply the kit on your first try, or you might need eight copies before the kit finally applies. So I'm just saving myself the trouble and applying it here and now.

This tome allows a sorcerer with the correct characteristics to become a geomantic sorcerer. The tome is consumed upon use.

GEOMANTIC SORCERER: The cleric reaches out to a higher power. The druid looks to nature for her spells. To the geomantic sorcerer, however, all magic is the same.
Geomancy is the art of channeling magical energy from many sources through the land itself. The spells he casts through his connections with the earth are reflections of his own strength of will.

Advantages:
- Learns druid spells in addition to sorcerer spells and casts them from the sorcerer's spellbook.
- At level 8, can shapeshift into new druid animal forms, gains an additional use every 3 levels.
- Can learn high level Quintessence magic.

Disadvantages:
- Has a 15% penalty to experience.
- Strength, Constitution, and Dexterity have a -2 penalty.
- Has a penalty of 1 to casting speed.

Requirements:
- 13 Wisdom, 9 Charisma.
- Must be of any Neutral alignment.
- Must have a base class of sorcerer.

Restrictions:
- Sorcerer Item usage.
- Recognized as a sorcerer.

Quintessence Magic:

Quintessence Magic draws directly upon magic in its basic form, free of intermediaries such as deities, the Weave, or structured spellcasting. It is an inherently intuitive blending of the arcane and the natural forces in the world and cannot be taught or granted.

Yes, you read that right, we're becoming an arcane/divine Sorcerer Druid. The XP penalty is the biggest drawback, as it stacks with the penalty induced by the subrace mod. All total, we'll usually be a level or two behind every other NPC.
The stat penalties aren't much of a big deal, as there are enough tomes added by mods and stat boosting equips to compensate for those three. Plus, they're combat stats, and not exactly a big deal to a spellcaster class.
The casting speed penalty is a bit of a pisser, but once we have the Robe of Vecna (and some more bonuses beyond that) it's a non-issue. Also, the restriction to "sorcerer item usage" is complete and total bullshit. Not only will we be able to use druid items, we'll also be able to use some cleric items.

This is the last time I'll be evoking the console for the main run, save for when the game glitches up and I have to move a global variable in the right direction or teleport to an area because a modder forgot to put in doors.

Incidentally, this is what happens when you resurrect ass wolf. It's presumably also what happens when you try talking to him. Based on the style of some of the dialogue options, the modder was probably a Fallout fan. I can't say I blame them, it's not a bad model to follow.

The Southern Tradeway doesn't contain much of interest aside from legions upon legions of bandits and hobgoblins.

Who the fu-

: We also don't seek trouble.

: Forgive my talkativeness. I know I can't conceal my orcish heritage, and it's given me a lot of unnecessarily unpleasant confrontations in the past. Well then, now I will leave and continue on my way to Baldur's Gate, where my beloved is waiting!

Lord Foreshadow and Portalbendarwinden are on this map too, but everyone here already knows how those conversations go. Right? I'd hope so. I'd cover them, but none of the NPCs actually have anything to say during those conversations. Which is honestly quite shocking.

And hey, would you look at that! We've finally reached Nashkel. It's almost like we're making progress or something.

Immediately, we're met with a man dying horribly by the riverbed.

: Who poisoned you?

: They... I... I've stolen some herbs from Seniyad... give me... give.. wa... wate...

On his body are a number of herbs of dubious use.

The Springrose plant is relatively rare, and therefore quite valuable. The flowers are commonly used in the creation of vivid red dyes, but it is the leaves that are important to Herbalists.
Only the experienced can tell Springrose apart from Goat's' Redworm, a poisonous plant which looks very similar.

These leaves are enough for the creation of about 200 normal flasks of potion.

Stormspit is very rare, though it has been used in herbalism since ancient times. It was used by the earliest humans to settle in Tethyr, who used in it in conjunction with various other herbs to create magical potions.
Stormspit is involved in the brewing of a wide range of potions, though it takes skill to prepare the plant and judge the correct amount to use.

These leaves are enough for the creation of about 200 normal flasks of potion.

Sections of this rare plant can be used as the base material of many oils and lotions. The leaves in particular can be used in several fire and burning potions, and are used in preference to the leaves of the Red Draketonue when a slower burn or extra heat is required.

These leaves are enough for the creation of about 200 normal flasks of potion.

Jestergrass acts as a potent drug, causing hallucinations and delusions. In the hands of a skilled Herbalist, Jestergrass is invaluable, and is praised for its ability to strengthen the mind, giving temporary protection from mind-related diseases and even removing some such diseases from sufferers.

These leaves are enough for the creation of about 150 normal flasks of potion.

In times past, Yxunomei, a powerful Marileth, ordered the Yuan-ti serving her to attack a village. The village helf out for weeks, with the villagers seemingly immune
to the venomous poisons used by the attacking Yuan-ti, which usually guaranteed swift victory. The key to this remarkable immunity was Gaia's Bless, a locally growing plant, the leaves of
which could be used to neutralize even the strongest venom in seconds. Yxunomei, realising the importance of Gaia's Bless, not only to the defending village, but to all those who would oppose her armies,
gathered her priests, and summoned a terrible curse. The curse affected Gaia's Bless, and as is often the case with evil, it twisted and corrupted the plant - instead of curing people of poison, it now infects people with poison.
Despite the curse, the outward apparance of the plant stayed the same, and the villagers continued to rely upon it for protection from the poisons used by the armies of Yxunomei. With the curse in action, Yxunomei ordered her Yuan-ti to attack one final time.
The defenders, infected by the poison of Gaia's Bless, were weak and slow, easy prey to the Yuan-ti. The battle lasted no more than an hour. None of the defending villagers survived.

The story does not end with a complete triumph of evil however. The Yuan-ti army of Yxunomei moved on, leaving a contingent of troops behind to guard the village. Within days of Yxunomei and the army leaving, the guard force was all dead, drowned in their own boiling saliva: no-one can escape from Gaia's fury.
The plant itself has remained cursed though and has spread rapidly. Now only its poisonous version can be found, the original plant is mentioned in the records only twice in past 250 years.

These leaves are enough for the creation of about 200 normal flasks of potion.

Additionally, this happens. Ass wolf scales to your level, and at higher levels starts gaining immunity to elements. Am I repeating myself? Tell me if I'm repeating myself.

Berrun Ghastkill has some things to say to us.

: What exactly is the trouble here?

: I can't believe you haven't guessed. Have you heard of the iron shortage? Well, Nashkel is in the thick of it. Our mine is all but shut down because the workers continually go missing, and what ore we do get is tainted somehow. I would send in the town guards, but we need them to protect our citizens from the bandits that raid our caravans. We need you to find out what is wrong in the mines southeast of town.

: I will do what I can.

: Thank you. You will be the toast of the town if you can help.

: Onwards we march then, Archwizard Hank. As this is your first mission, I fear that my skills as a healer will be heavily tested. Nevertheless, I will try to return all of us to Berrun still in one piece and victorious.

Heavily tested, you say? Well, you've been rendered obsolete anyway, and there's another mod NPC right next to Berrun.

Meet Valerie.

: What do you know of the troubles in the mines?

: I'm sure you know about the iron contamination. Something is attacking the miners, though. rumors say demons.

: Do you believe there are demons in the mines?

: I hope not. Personally, I do doubt it. *Something* has invaded the mines, but I'm reluctant to jump to demons when it could be something more mundane, like kobolds or goblins.

: We will be heading to the mines to see for ourselves. If you'd like to join us, your aid would be welcome.

: Join you? As in, be an adventurer? Uh. Well... I was told to investigate this, and you're investigating this... Uh, Okay, I guess. My name is Valerie Lysander, by the way.

: And I am Archwizard Hank. Welcome aboard!

Valerie will be replacing Jaheira, because the BG1 NPC project can kiss the broad side of my ass. Don't worry, folks at home, we'll take at least two vanilla NPCs to the endgame. Just not this one.

Valerie is a sorcerer. If you were thinking we might be able to salvage her mediocrity by applying the Geomantic Sorcerer kit, think again. Any mod that calls a script to apply a change to a character will only work on that character in perpetuity.
This is why all the NPCs we meet have classes instead of races; because the subrace mod only works on us. We could start a multiplayer session, go all the way to Nashkel, apply the kit on Valerie, delete CHARNAME and then re-import a version from a totally different save where he has the kit, but that's frankly too much effort for a mediocre NPC.

Valerie also doesn't have a soundset. She has a complete set of subtitles, but no soundset to speak of. It's rather puzzling. She does have a biography, however:

Valerie is quiet when asked about her past, finding her feelings about it mixed. She was cast out of her family as a child when she displayed signs of magical talent, a deeply suspicious sign in Amn with its cultural distrust of magic. She was found and taken in by the Cowled Wizards, the nation's arcane police, who taught her how to use and control her abilities. Upon completing her apprenticeship, she was posted to Nashkel with the Amnish army where you met her.

This is actually kind of a nice detail, all things considered. Nashkel isn't exactly the vanguard of Amnish civilization, it makes sense that they'd only post a single shitlord-tier cowled wizard.

Oh, hell.

: I want nothing to do with your idea of science.

: What was your mother?

: Huh? She's human.

: That does not match the empirical evidence. Well, that or your father caroused quite raucously with certain unusual summoned creatures primarily found in the-

: Simply put, you're mad.

: Am I? Or are you the mad one? You call yourself human. You're not. Blood doesn't lie, you know. It's really quite honest. Not the best conversationalist, but a terrific listener and wouldn't lie if you bit its toes off.

: I know I'm a sorcerer. Which means one of my ancestors wasn't human. Or at least, one of them was warped by magic. Just... drop it, please?

: Who am I to deny a lady's request?

Xzar seems to be implying that Valerie is a tiefling, which would just add her to the mountain of generic Tiefling NPCs. Aasimars for the win!

Since Montaron is no longer a fighter/thief, we're sorely lacking in raw DPS. So we'll be picking up Minsc here.

Get bent, Valerie. We'll see you later in the LP, if only for a short while.

: Are you sure we should part ways? It's been an interesting journey so far.

: Yes, it was indeed a very interesting walk down the lane.

: I think it's best if we part company now.

: Alright. I'll be reporting back to Nashkel, then. Good luck, Archwizard Hank.

For reasons beyond the ken of mortal man, Minsc can't actually use his own hamster companion. Additionally, Minsc will drop Boo upon death, and he'll eat up an inventory slot until Minsc dies again.

ass wolf will spawn a duplicate of himself whenever he levels up. Only one will actually follow you off of the map, and it's unclear if the one that follows you is the higher leveled one.

Now comes the difficult part. Under normal circumstances, the encounter with Noober is simple. Just keep clicking him and spamming enter to get through all his dialogues until he fucks off and rewards you the XP. However...

If you have any vanilla NPCs with you, they'll eventually cut you off. Noober will stop talking to you, and you'll get no experience. Moving your NPCs to the other side of the map won't help. They have to be completely removed from the area.

So, just for the sake of example, let's move all of our NPCs to the Nashkel Inn.

This lets us cycle through all of Noober's text unmolested.

Right about now is where a sane person would be heading straight for the mines, but if this thread has established anything, it's that I'm far from sane.
So we'll be taking a little side trip to the Gnoll Stronghold.

Along the way, we meet the (in)famous Drizzt. You might be worried about the sudden appearance of a portrait next to his text, and rightfully so.
Drizzt is now part of a mod in which your entire party gets replaced by his band of goons, and the story becomes less about you and more about him.
We'll be showing that off when the time comes.

: Fear not, we will not stand aside while another is in peril.

: This is more or less another bold-faced lie, because Drizzt is a steamroller. He barely needs our help.

: The fight is joined, and I welcome your aid. Tiresome beasts these gnolls are, and I'll be glad to be done with them!

He cuts through the gnolls like butter.

: It was not always thus, and I strive to return peace to these lands.

: Noble goals indeed, and ones I would hold dear myself. Your struggle will be difficult, for the bandits that I have encountered -being beset at every turn as I am- are no mere vagabonds with blades. The humans bear the style of the Black Talon, and the hobgoblins that of the Chill. Mercenary groups both of them, and as such it is unlikely they are the architects of this endeavor. You would do well to insinuate into their ranks, and determine their true masters. Difficult, but not impossible, and potentially the most fruitful course.

: This is sage advice that I will heed. Know that I think well of you on your journey.

: We're kissing his ass because he'll be defending our ass later in the game.

: Well met, friend. Luck be on your side. Incidentally...

: (Damn it.)

: Am I mistaken, or have I a kinsman before me?

: No. This is not grounds for a conversation. Humans don't say "Oh look, another human. I'd better introduce myself." Why are we doing it?

: I'm sure they would where their kind are scarce. A sunlit drow is a rare enough sight.

: Well it shouldn't be. So let's you and I pretend it isn't, and maybe it'll come true.

: As you wish. Whatever the reason, it is good you escaped. Treat the surface folk with respect; you'll see reciprocation in time. Farewell. Perhaps I shall seek you out elsewhere along the Sword Coast. Farewell.

The rest of the journey to the Gnoll Stronghold is almost entirely a dreary trek through nondescript grasslands and forestry, punctuated by the occasional encounter with bandits and hobgoblins possessed of a death wish.

: That's very...forthright of you.

: I got tired of people assuming I'm some tormented redemption-seeker. 'Oh, he's on the surface! He must be one of the nice ones! Pity the poor soul!' Gimme a break. You start thinking that of me, then eventually I'll do something you don't like, and "Oops, looks like I didn't hire an angel after all. Kill all drow." I'd rather settle it now.

: Sounds like you'd be right at home in the Underdark, then. Why did you leave?

: Why leave? Because in the Underdark, there are mind flayers, beholders and aboleths. Up here, there are sheep. And trees. So I weighed things up and I thought, you know what? How bad could a little sunburn possibly be? Pretty bad, as it turns out. But still not as bad as having your brain eaten. Also, nobody up here will torture you to death for not licking Lolth's arse with every flick of your tongue. So there's that.

: What was the point of telling me this?

: This loops back to the line about getting tired of everyone assuming he'll be Drizzt.

: Makes no difference to me. Stay if you want to.

: Now is that the truth, or are you just saying it? Eager to find out.

Not that you'd know, just FYI, but the area we just left behind was unforgivably laggy. Most single-player maps are safe from this, but a lot of maps - especially in multiplayer - are laggy almost to the point of being unplayable with these mods installed.

: Yeah, you pay....200 for all heads, or lose heads!

: Minsc can see from here the castle where the foul gnolls keep Dynaheir! Villainy on the bridge, step aside, Minsc and hamster are coming through!

: *squeak*

: Yeah, you think you big! You want to fight? We take heads anyway, and get lots of gold!

Killing these clowns nets us the Gauntlets of Dexterity, which renders the DEX penalty incurred by the Geomantic Sorcerer kit null and void.
You might wonder why I'd waste such an item on a spellcaster, and I'd wonder why you'd so brazenly assume that these are the only gauntlets of dexterity in the game.

: *Squeak*

: Onward to rescue our fair lady!

: Heh, how does Archwizard Hank know that Dynaheir is fair?

: From your tales, of course, my loyal companion!

At the base of the mountain, we encounter some assassins. They aren't exactly Portrait Assassins, but they're still armed to the teeth.

Amidst an assortment of high-level scrolls, they drop these two ludicrous things. You might recognize the axe as the one the Yeslick clone was hawking at us for over 10,000 GP.

On the way up, we finally gain some new spells. The spell tables have been modified heavily, so we can cast Wild Magic now. Forgive me if, y'know, I pointed this out in a previous update. I'm beginning to lose track of all the horrible things I've told you.

: Dynaheir! Look, Boo, we found her! Oh, glorious day!

: Now I believe that 'tis truly thee. I would'st never have thought that I would'st be glad to see this... rodent.

: Yes, my witch, it's me! Oh, Archwizard Hank, if you thought that Minsc and Boo and you made a great butt-kicking team, just wait until Dynaheir joins us and unleashes her magic against the evil critters that bar our way!

: You are welcome in my company. One cannot have too many friends.

: I have no doubt thou wilt make an... interesting traveling companion.

It's your move, creep.

That was quick, goddamn. Option 1 closes the dialogue. Nothing more to see here. Incidentally, Dynaheir's instant dialogue overrode Xzar's "leaving the party" text, so we get to keep Montaron. Not that we'd want to or anything.

And hey, that just about wraps up all the old prerecorded footage I've been working at since February. Hooray?

NEXT TIME:

This happens. And now, a word from our "sponsors."

 

[Strange Fellow]

awyiss there's more

 

[Storyfag]

Things are different... things are scary.

 

[agris]

Archwizard Hank the next time you’re on one of those laggy maps, turn ambient sounds all the way down until they’re off. That’s a bug with the bg2 engine on any OS more modern than XP.

 

[Apostle Hand]

good LP, interesting. too bad you had to cheat your way through those assassins.

 

[SerratedBiz]

Isn't there a Dynaheir mod that turns her into this hot redhead and makes her romanceable?

I mean, someone told me that there was one, not that I'd know.

 

[Baardhaas]

Good stuff, keep it coming.

 

[Archwizard Hank]

It's seven in the evening on a Wednesday. My rectum aches, there's an upper-decker in my toilet, my floor is covered in the remnants of a ritual sacrifice to an entity named "Ell-Fah," and my keyboard is sticky.
Either a gang of cultists busted into my house and had their way with me last night, or I just wrote an update for Big World.

...Oh. Oh no.

UPDATE 7: Mine your own Business

Where we last left off, we had just begun a campaign of genocide against the gnolls of the sword coast. This holocaust will soon transcend the universe of Realmspace, because even the boundaries of the multiverse can't contain our insatiable anti-gnoll bloodlust.

Also, since I neglected to point it out last update, all random Gnoll spawn groups have a high chance of spawning various souped up super gnolls. You can tell them apart because of the modifiers to their name like "Gnoll Captain" or "Gnoll Veteran" or "Gnoll: Elite Dangerous."

Another thing I haven't pointed out this whole LP is the absolute insanity of the enemy formations. Every map in BG1 and parts of BG2 has spawn points where the enemies cluster in tightly packed groups like this as if a modder lazily copied and pasted a bunch of guys and called it a day, and it only lasts for a few frames before the enemies start dispersing and heading in your direction.

Super gnolls drop Halberds +1 and occasionally +2, which we'll be hoarding to sell for mad cash.

The cash will come later, however. Now, we're heading back to Nashkel to get the plot rolling again. Sort of.

Additionally, we'll be picking up Valerie one last time and ditching Montaron.

Yeah, fuck you too

On the way out of town, we're frazzled by a mod NPC with an unwanted surplus of children.

: You look as if something is troubling you. Can I help you in any way?

: Ah, don't worry. I... Sarah! Leave Tom alone! No, I already said you can't have it! ...well, it's children, you know. They always... Tom! Don't *you* start it now. For heaven's sake! *sigh* Thank you very much, but I don't want to waste your time.

This is part of an unmarked quest to find a babysitter, but I haven't found the solution. I'm not even sure if there is a solution.

Alright, NOW is the time for cash. Kind of.

It's time to revisit Travenhurst Manor.

If you fail to pickpocket Butler Travenhurst, the game turns into Fallout: New Vegas for some reason.

: [Intelligence] - I resent those baseless accusations. I was nowhere near you when the event occurred and I can summon several witnesses who will gladly confirm that.

: Hmm... I will let you off with a warning, this time. However, know that you will be watched much more carefully from now on!

: This is essentially an empty threat, as none of his containers set off alerts, and he won't summon extra guards.

Successfully pickpocketing Travenhurst nets you 7 gold, and... That's it. Just 7 gold. So the deed (if you remember the deed) isn't in any of his containers, nor is it technically on his person.
Ergo, there's only one way to get it from him.

: Who is this Lord Oti?

: Yes, yes. Go on now before you waste anymore of my time. I have important documents to work on.

: Travenhurst doesn't respond well to threats or pleas of ignorance. The only way forward is to admit that we're a part of this silly quest. This option ends the dialogue, so we have to talk to him again.

: What do you want commoner? Be quick, my patience for dealing with your kind grows thin.

: What is the situation with the Castle Halwater Deed and Lord Oti?

: Lord Oti has NO claim to Castle Halwater, it belongs to the Travenhurst family.

: Given the context of this quest, I'm inclined to agree with Butler here.

: Is there anything we can do to convince you to give us the deed to Castle Halwater?

: In short no. I will NEVER give up the ownership rights to Castle Halwater. This document proclaims that it is mine by right. Lord Oti has NO claim to Castle Halwater, it belongs to the Travenhurst family.

: We wish to purchase the ownership rights to Castle Halwater for Lord Oti.

: You wish to purchase the deed eh? Three thousand gold. No less! Lord Oti must realize that is an incredible bargain for the rights to Castle Halwater. The only reason I have not claimed the castle for myself is that I detest travelling all the way to Featherdale.

: Here is the money for the deed.

: If you've been paying attention, we're handing over close to all of our money for this fucking document. Hard-earned money, mainly accumulated from hobgoblin corpses.

: So be it. Here is the deed, now get thee gone and give it to Lord Oti. Now onto other matters, goodbye.

And with that, we've secured the deed. Travenhurst promptly fucks off, never to be seen again.

:
This letter contains the deed to Castle Halwater in distant Featherdale. All that is required to claim the property is a small deposit of 5,000 gp to be sent to Prince Idjomonai, which will be returned once all of the paperwork is done.

You might remember I initially said (through a fog of half-remembered details) that we had to pay 5,000GP to Butler Travenhurst before he forked over the deed. Evidently I was thinking of this item description, but as you'll soon see, we were still ripped off.

: Yes, here is is.

: Excellent!

: Where is Lord Oti?

: Lord Oti has left to begin raising the funds neccessary to claim Castle Halwater.
I expect him to be back any minute now, as he still has not paid me my fee for acting as his representative in this matter. He also has yet to repay the money I lent him for expenses to get by while he was banned from town and unable to access his own funds. Lord Oti did entrust me with the magic trinkets he mentioned and has authorized me to give you one of several these tomes of Rogueish knowledge that Lord Oti acquired amongst his mother's things. These tomes can be used to guide a person towards a certain career path. Choose a tome as a reward for your service to Lord Oti and for aiding to restore his good name. I should warn you that I'm told that these particular tomes have been known to cause inconsistent results. If for example, one were a Thief, one might find oneself less skilled than an equivalent sneaksman. Still, powerful magic items such as these should not be scoffed at. Individual results may vary and are permanent!

: We get a choice from every vanilla thief kit in BG2. The tomes apply them via a script. We can also choose to act piously and claim "a good act is reward enough," but this quest is pissing me off and I'm hoping to get some kind of return on my investment.

: We choose the Lexicon of the Assassin.

: Well thank you again for your service. If in the future you decide you require more Magic Career Tomes, I have heard of a merchant who sells these items. Panver the Loremaster is his name, he can be found in the Elfsong Tavern in Baldur's Gate. Thank you and farewell! I'm off to find Lord Oti.

For enduring this farce, we get a total of 700XP. 100 for squeezing the deed out of Travenhurst and 600 for turning it in. No money. The kit tome is valued at 2500GP in barter menus, but can't be sold. Of course, I didn't know this, so the following chunk of the update is dedicated mainly to me faffing around half the sword coast trying to find someone who'll buy the damn thing.
I feel less like a thief, as this quest reward seems to imply, and more like a mark.

Dejected, we return to the Thunderhammer Smithy to try and recoup our losses.

Stretch this screen for about half an hour and imagine a container filled with stacks upon stacks of
garbage, gems, unenchanted equipment and also occasionally +1/+2 stuff. We sell off crap from the space hole until we get to about 15,000 GP.

With that established, the observant among you might have noticed a special dialogue option with Taerom.

: Didn't Will order some armor to be forged at your smithy?

: Will, have you joined this group? Adventures are a dangerous matter.

: Welcome my friend, it's always nice to see you, tell me how's my armor?

: Your pretty leather, you mean...

: Yeeeees, that's precisely the one. My scarlet leather with the cloak...

: It's ready, you can take it. The price hasn't changed: 5,000 gp.

: Mother of fuck

: Oh, you extortioner, I hope that my friends will forgive me...

: Only because you're Ben Stiller!

: You know it's an extremely unique item, don't complain. You want it or not? Every nobleman will want it and will spare no expense in gold.

: All right, we'll pay. Will needs better armor.

: That's nice. I can think of more ways to improve on this armor. Come back later and we can talk about it.

This nets us:

: Taerom has made a good set of leather armor for Will. You should visit him again at some point - it is possible the old smith can improve that gem even further.

STATISTICS:

Armor Class: 4
Special:
Saves vs. Petrification/Polymorph: +2
+1 Bonus Mage spell for levels 1-4
Speed Factor Penalty: +1
Physical Resistance Bonus: +5%
Stealth Penalty: -20%
Weight: 15
Usable Only By:
Will

Generally mediocre, but better than the armor he started with. Not sure it's worth 5,000GP, but fuck it. Price tags mean nothing.

On the way out, we're accosted by this lady.

: Calm yourself, my dear lady. What is the problem?

: My neighbor, Eltolth... he's inside the house... Please follow me! I will show you!

If this were a dodgier neighborhood, this would be an obvious setup for an ambush by a bunch of dudes wielding huge knives.

Y'know, thugs. Thugs would burst out of the walls. ...In a dodgier neighborhood.

: Er... You mean the slime, yes? Is... was that your neighbor?

: Yes, I fear so. Have a look at this empty bottle... I found this empty flask on the floor. Seems like he drank something... Oh my! *blushes slightly* Normally, I wouldn't go straight into his house. But, I had an appointment with him, and nobody answered the door... I started to worry... Please have a look around. I'm sure Eltolth wouldn't mind, if it helps you to find a hint of what happened here. Please, find a way to restore him!

: An "appointment." Sure.

: That I will do. Don't worry!

: Thank you very much in advance. I don't want to leave him alone right now.

: Minsc has to hold back not to work on this slime with his boots! But Boo says Minsc shouldn't touch it, because it is a man! Minsc is glad Archwizard Hank is here to decide what to do.

We're now free to examine Eltolth's house, as he's indisposed at the moment and his neighbor doesn't mind about us rifling through his shit.

: *You take a close look.*

: *Half sunken into the slime you notice a diary. The pages are unharmed.*

This makes two clues, the bottle and this diary. Investigating the rest of the house yields nothing.

: This seems to be some kind of diary belonging to Alanna's neighbor Eltolth. By browsing through the pages you find some entries that might give a clue as to what happened before his transformation:
"...Talked to Tulbor again. Met him at the usual place. As always, he wanted to sit far away from the bar, and I had to buy him a drink (...) He says his potions are just as good as Juoma's, but much cheaper. (...) He offered me the special one again. It costs a fortune, but I think it's worth it! This time I will try it."
The notes end here.

: This is the empty bottle Alanna found in the house of the transformed Eltolth.
The writing on the label reads: "Magnificent Surprise:
Time to effect: 5 seconds up to 1 minute. Duration by correct dosage: up to 1 hour.
Be cautious not to overdose, unexpected side effects possible!!
No warranty in case of failure!"
It is signed by an unreadable signature starting with a "T".

The bottle is the first clue we get, and it's maddeningly unhelpful. Just knowing that the signature starts with a "T" leaves the candidates for possible suspects far, far up in the air.
It could be anyone in the greater Beregost area from Taerom Fuiruim to Thalantyr to "Thespian Extraordinaire" Silke. If you don't think to examine the slime, you're basically up shit creek. To paraphrase LA Noire, "you don't have all the pieces, Cole!"

Thankfully, we've examined the slime formerly known as Eltolth and know the name on the signature.

: Yes, we found this diary. There is someone named "Tulbor" mentioned. You do not happen to know anything about this person, by any chance?

: "Tulbor...?" No, I am sorry. I've never heard of such a person. But please, do not give up the search!

This is where the trail, as they say, runs cold. I have no idea who Tulbor is, so we're going to have to revisit this down the line.

Speaking of Thalantyr, let's check in on him since we're in the area.

At the entrance to High Hedge, this NPC is clogging the feedback box.

: Your business here is to yell at this door?

: You are oh so funny. I'm almost falling about, laughing. Can you imagine I am not yelling at this door but at the priggish monkey of a mage inside who is living there?

: Could we assist you in any way?

: Oh, the brave hero sniffed a chance to help a damsel in distress? How touching. But if you do not happen to be well versed in alchemy you will hardly be able to help me.

: You know the whole conversation would be easier if you would stop insulting me.

: (sigh) I realize that myself, sir, but understand that I'm desperate. My poor husband is sick and the only person in these lands who could help him refuses to. Tonder and I moved into the little house which lies west of here. We wanted nothing but till the lands and live in peace, but a few days ago, Tonder was attacked by a large animal! If not for Thalantyr my husband would have been devoured. Tonder began to feel sicker and sicker and then two nights ago it happened - he has turned into a werewolf before my very eyes!

: Tonder, another possible suspect for the Neighborhood Slime Case if we hadn't found the diary.

: And what now?

: I do not know, either. I begged of Thalantyr to seek for a cure. But he just does not want to listen to me! And... I do not dare to even think of the only alternative.

: Shall I talk to Thalantyr?

: Would you do that for me? That would be great of you! I know there may be no other way... but I would never forgive me if I had not tried everything. I beg of you, talk to Thalantyr. Try to convince him to produce a cure for Tonder. If this fails... then... do what has to be done. (sighs heavily) I only ask you... please, try every other way first. Please.

Thalantyr has a wide variety of modded trash, and the majority of the stuff that's worth getting is just barely out of our price range.
We'll be talking to him about the quest later on. We were mainly dropping in on him during this part of the recording to see if he'd buy the Lexicon of the Assassin. Spoilers: he wouldn't.

And since we're still at the "will anyone even buy this stupid mod tome" portion of the footage, let's check in at the Feldepost Inn before continuing on our merry way.

Beregost doesn't cotton to modded freaks 'round here.

: Heh, you tell 'em Marl.

: Hey! I told you to get lost! Ain't no room here for ye trouble makin' strangers!

: I'll go where I like pal! You got a problem with that?!

: I have a problem with morons armed to the teeth, poking through ruins, and stirring up creatures better left alone! Jokers like you blow through town with monsters in tow, and then out again leaving us locals to clean up the mess!

: I just do what I think is right. We solve a lot more trouble than we cause. Well, very nearly anyway. Heh heh.

: Oh you think it's funny do you?! You mess up the local economy with your treasure, you upset the balance of nature, you flash your magic around, and because of it maybe somebody's son thinks it's fun and goes out and gets himself killed! It's a bad example and somebody ought to kick your ass for it!

: Okay, I know we're gonna pummel this guy regardless? But he's right.
Vynd is overly presumptuous here, though he has a point. This is one of the more bullshit dialogue trees in the game.

: Hold on! Everyone goes their own path, and I'll not be held accountable for what the Fates deal.

: He was a good boy 'til your kind came through town! Filled his head with nonsense they did, and because of it he's dead! Now why shouldn't I take THAT out of your hide?!

: If you knew him like you think, then ask yourself if he wouldn't have gone anyway. It's a calling you're born with. Nobody gives it to you.

: 'Tain't true! He was going to take over the farm and settle down. Maybe apprentice with Thunderhammer during the winter. He never wanted to adventure.

: That was what you wanted, Marl! Fun's fun, but yer blaming these folk fer what couldn't be helped. That boy was a firebrand if ever there was...

: No! He was settling down! He wanted... he wanted...

: That new plow ye bought last year, he got the gold by helping clear kobolds near Ulgoth's Beard. He wanted to make a difference, make the Realms a bit safer. Just like these folk most likely.

: By Chauntea, why couldn't he just stay home?!

: The Realms call, and you go. He sounds a fine lad taken too soon, but doing what he was meant. If you'll suffer my company, I'll buy a round and toast his memory with you.

: 'Twould be fitting, I suppose. To Kennair Nethalin! Rest ye well! I... I would be alone awhile.

: For whatever it's worth, I'm sorry for your loss. People of real courage like your son are all too rare.

: Thank ye.

: Well... 'tis the calmest I done seen him in a week. Still, best you move along. Marl ain't known for his steady moods.

This was worth more XP than the Travenhurst Manor quest, and it was free.

Oh for the love of

: I still walk my native land, Dynaheir. Rashemen is far farther from here than Candlekeep. Say, where is it, by the way?

: Rashemen layeth east of here, almost a season's travel, by sea and by land. Betwixt Thay and Ashanath it is. My land is severe and intense, very unlike this mild region. But I bore thee with my mumbling. Let us walk again.

iT NeVER eNDS

: What are thou about, Minsc?

: Nothing. Just telling Boo a goodnight story.

: Minsc, thouh worry me increasingly.

: Why? Is there something wrong with Minsc?

: Thou speakest to thy hamster almost incessantly. 'Tis not quite... mmm... normal.

: Well, neither is spewing fire from your fingertips, and Dynaheir does it every day. Minsc can't do it.

: I am a learned invoker, and mine purpose is to exercise the arts magical.

: And Minsc is a ranger, and he's trained to speak with creatures of the wild. If you can't hear Boo, this doesn't mean he's not talking, right?

: Indeed, but it appears that thou givest him much authority in thine life.

: Yes, because Boo is my friend! I listen to your advice too.

: Indeed, thou dost. *sighs* Mayhaps this matter should be laid to rest until such time that we return to Rashemen. Many Othlor art great healers, and surely it is in their power to help. On mine own, I have no means to improve thine condition.

Our business in Beregost is concluded for the moment, so we're going to drop by the Carnival real quick to see if they'll buy the Lexicon. (They won't.)

: That's a colorful image.

: You think gods are above that kind of thing? If only. Any stirrings in the pantheon, chances are someone stuck something comewhere they shouldn't have. It's not as bad as it was, at least. Used to feel like it was flaying my skin off, and yes, I am speaking from experience. Now I just get hot. Really hot. And this snug leather doesn't do me any favours.

: Not to get back into the quasi-existential ramblings of Update ???, but what purpose would it serve for the gods to have genitalia, much less any sort of drive to reproduce? Even if we assume the gods of Faerun are fallible like the old gods of our ancient history and not the poorly written monotheistic God of the modern era, it's still a safe assumption that they're functionally immortal on their home planes. What, then, does a functionally immortal being derive from the desire to reproduce? I guess the case could be made that our mere mortal sexuality is far more nuanced than just "fuck lots, make more people" and divine sexuality must be infinitely more nuanced, but whatever, I've gazed into this abyss long enough.

: It's doing me a few favours.

: Yyyyeah. You can go ahead and pack that in. Not with you, not up here, not in a million lifetimes.

: We can stick to travelling at night, if it's a problem.

: Ah, don't baby me. I've had worse than sweaty chafing.

: I wouldn't mind some sweaty chafing myself.

: Alright, enough. Seriously. Besides, when I peel off a damp shirt at the end of the day, it reminds me I'm a free man.

: I wouldn't mind peeling-

: Oh look, I dropped a hint! Maybe you could pick it up for me!

I really don't remember how I dropped down that conversational rabbit hole, but I like how he's the only mod NPC who doesn't want to corn your hole.

This is the actual place where we sold off our garbage and made about 15K, because I had exhausted all venues and determined the Lexicon to be truly, thoroughly and completely unsalable.
We technically went back to Beregost after this to retrieve the upgraded armor for Will, but fuck it, this is confusing enough as it is, and I never said I was obligated to show you everything in the footage in exact 100% chronological order, though I've been doing that for the most part thus far.

In any case, we have one last stop on this whirlwind world tour before we hit the mines, and that's the Friendly Arm.

Remember Maltz, the best arms dealer on the Sword Coast?

We have just enough money for the Mace of Disruption +1. We could be smart about it and save our cash for the +2 model, but I'm confident that we'll run into enough gems and trash equips to sell off and eventually accumulate the cash for the +2 model down the line anyway.

I told you it'd happen this update. Did you not believe me?

Alright here we go, the Nashkel Mines.

: I am a warrior of Rasheman! Warriors of Rasheman exist to fight evil, and evil exists to be chopped into tiny pieces for Boo to nibble on!

: Even so, wouldn't you prefer a bow? You almost always end up taking a beating.

: Have no fear, Amnish witch. You may continue to take refuge behind me in battle.

: If you're sure you're okay with it.

: I fight evil with my sword arm and my boot! Boo fights evil with his sharp teeth! You fight evil with magic! It is all fine in the eyes of the Three!

: The three who? The dead three? The Rangers Three?
: https://forgottenrealms.fandom.com/wiki/The_Three

: Okay. This is the first I've heard of Minsc worshiping any of these deities, but sure.

We want to take a look at your mine, we do.

: Dost though know more, my good foreman?

: Little enough, lady. I can tell you this: there's a bunch a mean dog like creatures killin' me men in the mine. Ya gotta stop 'em!

Fun fact: earlier versions of the Baldur's Gate Trilogy mod suffered from a game breaking glitch which randomly flagged NPCs as "busy," meaning they wouldn't talk to you no matter what. Usually these NPCs would be plot critical, and Emerson here was a top offender.

Val here almost seems to be convinced that actual demons are afoot here.

Dialogue: the true combat system.

: Sure, I'll return his dagger.

: Thank you so much. I'm sure he'll appreciate it.

Here's a nice little transit shot since it's been almost entirely dialogue screencaps and world maps this whole update.

: I am glad that we offered this poor man some small comfort. Though a dagger seems to be a pitiful defense indeed against the evil that I sense is at work here.

: Every little bit helps!

: What do you know about the happenings of the mine?

: Kobolds! They're overrunning the place piece by piece. We used to see them occasionally but now you can't go more than a few feet without kicking one of them on the lower levels. It's not so bad up here with the guards around. Still, I wouldn't get caught in the dark if I were you.

Right around the corner, these jokers drop what appears to be a brown potion.

:
This potion contains a strange green substance similar to residue you have seen in some of the mining carts. The liquid inside appears to very slightly discolor iron that it comes in contact with, and is likely related to the mysterious "plague" that renders smelted weapons and tools brittle. The Kobolds you killed must have tainted all the ore leaving the mine, though it is unlikely they would have concocted this plan themselves.

This is part of a small quest that allows you to turn in the various bits of contaminated iron in the mine to have them examined in return for precious quest XPs. Overall a nice touch, good addition to the original game's plot, didn't give me AIDS/10

This is why I brought Val along.

I'd like to take this brief interlude to talk about level design in the context of the original Baldur's Gate. The majority of the core gameplay takes place in what we'll term "the wilderness," the large, open-ended and meandering zones between the main and side dungeons. These areas can either consist of pure wilderness (fields, forests, et al) and towns.
Generally speaking, the gameplay in the wilderness is as close to "open world" as isometric RPGs come, short of maybe the first two Fallouts or Arcanum. The level design is very disjointed, barely held together by the basic core objectives given to you by the main plot. Since side objectives are spread far and thin among the wilderness, this has the polarizing effect of creating an experience that is at times both maddeningly empty and captivatingly open.
This changes, however, when we get to the "Dungeons." Generally speaking, the dungeons of BG1 are similar to the wilderness insofar as they're quite expansive and open-ended, filled with many branching paths and dead ends. But there's a method to the madness, and the presence of enemies around every corner makes for an experience that's typically far more guided than the experience in the wilderness.
The first big dungeon of the game, the Nashkel Mines, is a reasonable challenge for low-level parties. Kobolds aren't too much of a threat in small numbers, but in a group with flame arrows, they can wreck your shit. Combine that with Mulahey and his skeleton goons at the end, and it makes for a pretty solidly balanced first act. Not too tough, but also not exactly a pushover.

Now behold as all of that crumbles instantly as I bumble into a battalion of heavily-armed superdwarves.

: Why is everyone after me?? Now I have dirty duergar dwarves hunting me down!

: Dirty duergar! I woulda killed ye fer the money only, now we's gonna kill ye fer the sheer pleasure of it!

They aren't portrait assassins. Arguably, they're even *worse.* The portrait assassins don't start dishing out DPS like these bastards until the mid-game.

They're also worth about 4,000 XP a piece, leveling up just about everyone except our main guy due to our class and subrace-induced XP penalties. Oh god. I haven't even gotten to their loot.

Both Duergar clerics had a set of this. One was armed with a Warhammer +1, and the other with:

:
Thorgensons was the captain of the guard of the Duragon Clan. He felled many orcs and goblins with this mace in the wars that the Duragon Clan had against the foul beasts. In the final battle with the evil beasts what few of the dwarves that were left defended the keep as best as they could. He died defending his lord Sven Duragon in the final hours before the Duragon Keep fell.

STATISTICS:

Damage: 1D6 + 4
THAC0: +3
Damage type: crushing and piercing
Special: +1 to constitution
Weight: 10
Speed Factor: 7
Proficiency Type: Mace/Morning Star
Type: 1-handed
Not Usable By:
Druid
Mage
Thief

The dwarf of the hour, Gorken Bloodaxe, was armed to the fucking teeth. On top of having a rare horned-variant helmet, he also had

:
This golden armor belonged to King Sven Duragon of the Duragon Clan. Duragon was the last king of the clan before its total annihilation at the hands of orcs and goblins who were lead by some duergar dwarves.

STATISTICS:

+20 fire resistance
-10 cold resistance
Armor Class: -1
Dexterity Penalty: -10%
Speed Factor Penalty: +3
Physical Resistance Bonus: +15%
Arcane Casting Time Penalty: +3
Stealth Penalty: -60%
Weight: 18
Not Usable By:
Bard
Druid
Mage
Thief

: This axe belonged to King Duragon before he fell in battle. It had been in the Duragon Clan for centuries before it was taken off King Duragons corpse. It was an axe of great power that was dedicated to Moradin the Soulforger.

STATISTICS:
+1 to strength
+2 electrical damage

The thief just dropped gold.

Merlin's beard, that's a lot of numbers. Wait, who the hell is this?

Oh. Of course he's a joinable NPC. Why wouldn't he be?

I'd ask what sense it makes to stuff a joinable NPC all the way down here, but then again, Xan is at the bottom of this hole.

: You do not have the stench of this place about you... Perhaps we share a common purpose?

: That would depend - what is your purpose?

: He passes the butter.

: I have been sent on a mission from divine Ghaunadaur to investigate the problems these mines are having. My deity finds it most displeasing...

: Ghaunadaur?

: You do not know the name of most sacred Ghaunadaur? ssssskrlllmmmm... That Which Lurks is the most holy deity of the beloved ooze, slime, mould and jelly. From deep cavern to forest floor to city alley live his servants, watching. I am honoured to be a Ghaunadan, a race of His servants, special among the oozes for having Ghaunadaur's divine favour. Though I appear as a human, this is not my true shape. Ghaunadaur has seen fit to bless our race with the ability to change form, so we can better serve him...

: So, you're looking into the iron crisis? Why?

: This is the only option at this point in the tree which isn't some variation of "Die, monster!" Mur'Neth is abominable, but the fact that his heathen god is interested in these petty affairs is more interesting.

: The iron itself is of no concern to Ghaunadaur, but the poisons they are using are killing the beloved oozes and moulds native to these caverns. I have been charged to put a stop to this outrage! Will you help me in this task? I sense you have a similar purpose to mine.

: We need all the help we can get. Please, join us.

: With the eye of Ghaunadaur on us, we shall surely succeed in our most holy task.

We're saying sayonara to our good friend Ben Stiller for the moment, but much like the vanilla dungeon design, there's a method to our madness.

If you know the enemy and know yourself, you need not fear the result of a hundred battles.

This is important. Many mod NPCs will give you an option in dialogue to go full-crusade on their asses, but they're usually coded to run away and disappear from the map because the modders are too proud of their own creations to even consider letting you kill them. This is a problem, particularly if you just want to hoard the equipment from their starting inventory.
And as you'll soon see, Mur'Neth here is absolutely horrifying. He must be cleansed in holy fire. Here's his biography.

When you ask about his past, MUR'NETH turns towards you and lets out a long, tortured gurgle. Although his true form is that of an ooze, he seems to be comfortable being referred to as a male.

You glean from his words a deep devotion to his deity Ghaunadaur, creator of his race. Mur'Neth reveals this is typical for his kind - they truly live to serve him. Mur'Neth was spawned only recently to investigate the tainting of the ores beneath the Nashkel Mines, which has resulted in the deaths of many of the native oozes and moulds in the area. This displeased Ghaunadaur greatly, though he seems content to permit Mur'Neth to accompany you for now...

So far, nothing we don't already know. If you haven't pieced it together already, the entire premise of this NPC was birthed from those slimes you fight at the back door of the mines on the way out.

He also has one of the worst custom soundsets we've run into so far. Seriously, listen to it.



It's basically just a really greasy nerdy guy with a crispy microphone, but every line has this ridiculous wobble filter that boosts the hiss from his mic more than his actual lines. I guess he gets props for staying in character, but it's a really silly character.

Mur'Neth has a special class too, which is conveniently also his in-canon race. For once, the subrace mod removing the races from the character record menu actually works.

These vile, intelligent monsters are the loyal servants of Ghaunadaur, the evil deity venerated by oozes, slimes, jellies and some drow. Ghaunadans are similar to oozes, but they are quite intelligent and can form their bodies into the shape of an attractive humanoid. In its natural form, a ghaunadan resembles an oozelike creature such as an ochre jelly or green slime.

Ghaunadans lack many of the advantages of thieves, but make up for these with unique abilities of their own, such as their charming gaze and unique resistances.

Advantages:
- May cast Friends once per day per 2 levels.
- Immune to blindness, poison, disease, sleep, paralysis and stunning. In addition, they have 10% resistance to bludgeoning damage.
- Can make an Ooze Touch attack once per day per 3 levels. This ability lasts for 3 rounds. The attack does 1d6 damage and the target must save vs. poison at -2 or be held for 5 rounds.
- Can shapeshift between ooze and human forms once per day per 5 levels. While in ooze form, all the character's attacks are paralytic. There is no limit to the time spent in either form.

Disadvantages:
- Only gets 15 skill points per level.
- Cannot set traps.

The ooze shapeshifting concept is kind of neat on paper, and paralytic attacks are welcome.

Credit where it's due as well for actually including a paperdoll for the Ooze form. I guess? Wait...

Fucking excuse me!?

When the hell did this become the standard for attractive? At least Will Scarlet played a male model in a movie!

DEUS VULT

Ben Stiller, take me away!

And away he takes us, but not before we disarm the traps at the exit to this floor.

Alright, Mulahey, here we go.

: Uh... Yes... fool, Tazok is... is most displeased with thee! Reveal your treachery and mayhaps he will spare you!

: Tazok is unfair. I have no desire to cheat him, or thee! My letters will show, they are in that chest. Take them, take them and Tazok will see! Fools, you'll never have the chance to take anything! Minions, come forth and kill the intruders!

: Treacherous half-orc, BOO WILL HAVE YOUR EYES!

: Gah!

The biggest difficulty in the fight with Mulahey is ensuring he doesn't escape the room. This isn't really a huge problem, as his goons block his route of egress and create a kind of artificial killbox for you. But if you leave him unattended, he'll leave, and you'll be denied his holy symbol and the associated XP for killing him.

Neither Mulahey nor his goons have any special modded loot, for what it's worth.

I'm beginning to remember why I usually side with Edwin.

: I'm sorry, but what's a wychlarn? All I know about Rasheman is that it's a very, very long way from Amn.

: In Rasheman, girl-children with skill in magic are taken by the Hathran and taught the ways of the wychlaran. Outsiders call us witches. 'Tis a high station among my people.

: I suppose you could call me an Amnish wychlaran, then. It's a mixed blessing, though. We have a healthy fear of magic in Amn, and the Cowled Wizards wield magic while protecting our people from the same.

: 'Tis a sensible reaction. I suspect our lands mayhap have more in common than one might think.

: Anything's possible, I suppose.

Really remembering. The memory is crystal clear in my head now.

: Of Rashemi witches? You are one, and you are a great mage. That's all I know, and all I need to know of Hathran, Dynaheir.

: The full absence of curiosity is not commendable amongst my sisters. Peculiarly, so is its excess.

Anyway, you might have noticed a few screencaps ago the blue square highlighted over the corpse next to Mulahey's Chest. It's the only modded thing in this room, and it contains this.

Mystery! Intrigue! Confusion!

And with that, we're at the original game's midway point, chapter-wise. When I said portrait assassins didn't start dishing out Duergar mob-tier DPS until the "mid game," I meant "Big World BG1 mid-Game," which is close to this point but a little further in and more to the lower-left.

: This affected more people than you, you know.

: And yet it still fell to me to fix it. Funny, that. Issues like this wouldn't grow so much if people would stop stewing in them and start doing something. Acting together.

: You could have gone after Mulahey. The kobolds would have dispersed without his leadership.

: I doubt it. Mulahey wasn't that smart or that important, judging by those letters. Are you sure victimizing gibberlings isn't more your speed? I signed up to "adventure", not to solve real problems.

: What are you complaining about? You said you were glad this was taken care of.

: I am. I'm not glad we had to do it ourselves.

Vynd seems confident that someone else would have eventually solved the problem, but I'm not entirely sure he's up to speed on the whole "prophecy of Alaundo the Wise" deal.

Anyway, time to go. We could pick up Xan I guess, but I'm honestly not a big member of "Team Xan." He'll have his time in the spotlight, but not here.

: Nobody knows that I have iron! Iron, yessss, cunning Azzik! Will sell it and get rich! What!?! Who's there?! Azzik smells someone! Come out, now! Azzik has magic bow!

Azzik's bow is just a +1 short bow. Nothing incredible.

Azzik was hit for 7 hit points with no armor defenses, sadly, he is too busy feeling the rush of air on the brain to notice death approaching.

Azzik's "iron" and Azzik himself are actually part of the Braegar mod, and the description for the iron is untranslated. Here it is, machine-translated on-the-fly from German.

:
A nice lump of iron, ideal for demanding ironwork.

Based on what we know of Braegar from his exchange at the Thunderhammer Smithy, I'd hazard a guess that we're supposed to give this to him.

DEUS VULT

Sunlight at last! THE HEALING RAYS OF THE SU-oh for the love of christ

: And here I thought you were discreet.

: Only when I'm working. Mine died too, funnily enough. Before I was born. Pretty sure my mother did it.

: Is that normal for the drow?

: It's common enough, especially with prestigious mothers. See, the child might be female, and if it is, you don't want them knowing their father. That's a male influence. That'll poison them because males are all completely useless at everything, obviously. Also, spiders eat their mates after doing the business, and boy do we ever love our spiders. Surprised we aren't beig born with spinnerets by now.

: Was your mother prestigious?

: She was.

: But not anymore.

: Nope. Looks like you're doing alright for yourself anyway. Could have been worse.

: I suppose you're right.

: 'Course I am. Get used to it, it happens a lot.

On the way out, we're confronted by a mob of Carrion Crawlers.

: You saw the letter. Your thoughts?

: The plot thickens. Mulahey struck me as too stupid to do this on his own, frankly, but we have a thread to follow.

: Any Cowled Wizard insights into what happened down there?

: Not really. We're trained in arcane matters, but aside from the poison itself, I don't know what to think. Making trouble *is* what Strifeleaders do, but so far this is outside my area of expertise.

: I guess you'll be heading back to Amn now.

: No. If it was just a kobold infestation I wouldn't be worried, but it's obviously nothing so simple. My mission might be complete, but my duty is not.

: What's your duty, exactly?

: My duty is to stand between the innocent and the wicked, the destructive, and the depraved. That is Torm's charge to his followers. But that's a talk for another time, I guess. Let's get moving.

Time to cash in that precious quest reward.

: A half-orc named Mulahey was corrupting the iron ore with a mineral poison. I have a sample of it here.

: What is this you say? You were wise in bringing back a sample. I fear that distrust of magic means we are ill-equipped to analyze the poison, however. Our isolation compounds the problem. It would be quicker to take the vial north to Thalantyr of Beregost than to journey south in search of an Amnish archmage. If you have any of the tainted ore you might consider taking it to Taerom Fuiruim while you are there. I don't doubt his ability to devise some way to work around its brittle properties. Best if you not mention this to anyone, however. Relations between Baldur's Gate and Amn are tense, to say the least, and I should perhaps not be sending something so valuable out of Amnish hands. Regardless, the town thanks you wholeheartedly, and is pleased to give you the proper reward. Please take this 900 gold for your efforts. It is a small fortune by anyone's standards. Thank you again.

: The mines have been cleared, Mayor Ghastkill, and there was no demonic activity. The Cowled Wizards remain ready to assist in the event of further magical danger.

: Thank you, my lady. The assistance of the Cowled Wizards is greatly appreciated.

: Mark this young man well, mayor. I sense that 'tis not the last good deed of his thou art hear of.

: That's good to hear!

Nimbul tries to kill us on the way out of town. He fails.

Back to Beregost we go.

Ed Greenwood pulls us aside again to bother us before we make our way to the Town Square. No modded text this time around.

Here's the guy from Mulahey's modded memorandum.

: And all jewels to the Serpent.

: Excellent. Has Mulahey decided?

: Mulahey is dead.

: Is that so? And who could be responsible for this? I have an idea about that... I was wondering because you do not look like the usual rabble in league with such scum. Regardless, I do not know who you are nor do I care - all I know is that you have discerned too much!

Tarash is a pushover. He only has a generic +1 battle axe and unenchanted chainmail. When killed, he drops another note.

So the dwarves want to kill some other dwarf on the road. Not sure how this affects the fate of the world, but whatever.

Might as well head to the kill zone in the note.

: There is something wrong.

: What?

: I do not know... hold yourself ready.

Bashrik and his cohort are mercilessly slaughtered before we have any opportunity to make it to the center of the map and attempt to save them.
The best we can do is pick up the pieces. Both characters drop broken armor, broken weapons and broken shields.
Bashrik drops some noteworthy items.

:
The book is written with neat handwriting and reports the last trip of Bashrik Sparklehammer. Bashrik was on the tail of a cult that calls itself 'The Serpents of Abbathor'. For them, Abbathor, the only evil god among the Morndinsamman, is considered the liberator and saint patron of the dwarfkind of the surface.

You cannot learn much more from the book because apparently, the notes of Bashrik were written primarily for the initiated. Only the last entry could offer a clue, should you want to look into the matter:

'I have departed from Wostok today. Mirjala and I will try our luck south, Wostok will take a look in the big city. We will meet again in the temple of Helm when I have more information.

Addendum: After racking the assassin who awaited us at the Friendly Arm Inn I have learned a name, at least. A certain Draglon appears in the Undercellars to regulate the affairs of the cult. Well, I will delay that until my return.'

(If you want to investigate the cult and what it's about, it will be of advantage to keep this book.)

: The priest of Moradin, Bashrik Sparklehammer, was considered as wise and true and within the community of liberal dwarves. He continued to fight against the secession of the surface dwarves and generally relished a high reputation. This hammer, charged with the thunderbolts of Moradin, was his greatest weapon in the fight against evil.

STATISTICS:

Combat Abilities: +1 electricity damage
THAC0: +2 bonus
Damage: 1D4 + 3
Damage type: crushing
Weight: 5
Speed Factor: 5
Proficiency Type: War Hammer
Type: 1-handed
Requires: 9 Strength
Not Usable By:
Druid
Mage
Thief

: No.

: No? No what? What was I gonna say?

: Thou will not bait me. We both know thy question, and no is the answer.

: ... 'Cause I heard about this trick you can do with small rodents, and I'm wondering if he ever-

: Do not speak such filth to me!

: Oh, you know about it? Very thorough education you witches get.

: Minsc is confused. You wish to see Boo do a trick?

That was a mental image I could have lived without.

This dialogue is heading to foul places. We need Lathander in our lives.

Loitering at the entrance to the temple are these two gents.

: We have a request, and we can offer a meaningful reward to a young Cleric or Paladin. Would you care to hear our proposal?

: Yes tell us more.

: The Vigilant One and the Morninglord and their followers have at times had a complicated relationship, however, there is a matter here that has brought us together for a shared purpose.

: It is a somewhat delicate matter.

: Word has reached us that the ruins of an ancient village have been discovered far to the west along the coast. The site is being excavated as part of an archaeological dig led by Charleston Nib.

: We have concerns about this excavation. Who knows what they will find? As a Priest of the Morninglord, I am troubled this work has the chance of arousing evil or disturbing the dead. There are some things that must remain undisturbed.

: Investigate the archeological dig. Report back here with news of the excavation and bring back any artifacts found within the ancient village.

: We will do as you say.

: Very good, Lord. May Helm guide your path.

Meet Gavin. Gavin is special.

: Can you tell me about Lathander?

: Lathander is the god of Dawn in the physical, symbolic, and spiritual sense. He is the god of spring and renewal, but also of creativity and self-improvement. His disciples venerate the dawn, but they also foster peace and harmony between the peoples of Faerun. The Morning Lord is often invoked to bless births and creative ventures. Evil and the undead are an abomination to Lathander.

: Thanks for the information. Where does one go to get help from Lathander?

: I am a cleric myself. May I offer my services?

: Do you have scrolls or potions for sale?

: No, I am just a Dawnbringer, but you can get those things inside. But please speak with me again once you are done. It might be that I can help you in the future, if not at this moment.

: This ends the dialogue, forcing us to talk with him again.

: Hello, again. I see you have returned. I hope you were able to favorably conclude your business?

: Yes, thanks. All went well. What did you wish to speak with us about?

: By your bearing and equipment, you seem to be adventurers. Could you use a cleric of Lathander in your party?

: Yes, I think we could use your help.

: I shall gladly join you, if you wish me to, as long as you and your party strive to do good.

: Welcome aboard.

Bye, Valerie.

Gavin uses a custom model, which is either incompatible with the way BG2 handles paperdolls or simply doesn't have animations for dual-wielding. Pretty sure it's an imported BG1 player model, so my guess is "a bit of column A and column B"
If you try to give him a second weapon, both of his weapons disappear, and he won't be able to attack. This limits his utility as a cleric somewhat.
He also comes equipped with:

: This ring was given to Gavin by his sister Reed following his ordination as a Dawnbringer. He is very fond of it, and never removes it.

Gavin claims that Reed inherited it from an eccentric uncle, a mage. The charm that makes it unremovable, however, was hers.

This ring doesn't provide any obvious benefit. Examination of the internal files in Shadowkeeper reveals a sinister ulterior plot motive to the ring, and I regret that we won't be able to show that off in the main playthrough. For now, it's just another gimmick that limits his utility because he can't wear two rings.
Additionally, Gavin's primary field of expertise is in war-hammers, meaning he can't make efficient use of that lovely mace we just blew 5 grand on.

Here's his bio while we're at it:

When asked about his past, Gavin tells you that it was fairly unremarkable. He was born to a sailmaker and a midwife in Ulgoth's Beard and had wanted to be a priest of Lathander since he was a boy. After several years of service to the Song of the Morning Temple in Beregost, he finally felt the lure of adventure.

It will quickly become evident that Gavin isn't really interested in telling us about his past so much as he is interested in pumping us for grossly detailed information regarding our own.

Also, Gavin's soundset is on the deep end of the quality spectrum. Have a listen.



I think he might actually be worse than Mur'Neth in several respects. His mic quality is easily the worst we've heard thus far, though Mur'Neth's constant audio filter might have covered an equally garbage mic. Gavin's soundset is always hissing and popping, and the guy just had no clue what audio leveling is. His line delivery is about on par with Mur'Neth - there's not enough feeling. He sounds uninterested at the best of times and afraid his parents are going to barge in at the worst of times. I say "line delivery" because I'm not sure if he's really acting or just trying to read lines in his regular speaking voice. At least Mur'Neth tried to stay in a specific character.

Processed all of that? Super. This has been a criminally huge update, so I'm going to leave it here for the time being.

Next time, we tie up some loose ends in Realmspace and temporarily take a jaunt across the universal borders into...

And as always, I leave you with a word from our "sponsors..."

 

[baud]

I feel less like a thief, as this quest reward seems to imply, and more like a mark.

It look like the old nigerian prince scam, especially the part where the quest giver ask for money to get back his own

 

[Archwizard Hank]

It's that time again, that magical, quasi-monthly time when we dump a bucket of frothing vomit all over ourselves and cry in a corner, clutching a cardboard cutout of Danny DeVito once it's all over.

...Well, maybe only I do that last part. Also, let's get some formalities out of the way before we begin.

Isn't there a Dynaheir mod that turns her into this hot redhead and makes her romanceable?

I searched high and low to ensure I wasn't missing anything (Read: I looked at the first page of search results) and my best educated guess is you're conflating two mods: The BG1 NPC project, which is the first result for "Dynaheir Romance Mod" and what I'm using, and the "BG1 NPC portrait pack" which features this portrait as an optional replacement for Dynaheir

And now...

UPDATE 8

Last time, we shuffled NPCs, smashed an ore poisoning operation and traipsed around half the sword coast after getting literally conned out of a quest reward.

Gavin automatically says this because we have the corpse of the Giant Spider from Beregost in our inventory, even though it's in an extra-dimensional hole and he has no feasible way to know this, having just joined us.

You remember Gavin, right? I hope so. We're about to get very well-acquainted with him. But in the meantime, we might as well sell off more shit at the temple since we came all this way.

See that wizard in the upper left there? He's important.

: Good day to you MorningLord.

: Good day to you as well, Will.

: What? No, I didn't know about Will's Flail. Tell me more.

: Very well, then. If you can find a rogue stone, it would be possible to add that component to the flail and with the right spells, Will's flail would be much more powerful.

: A lot of mods treat crafting in BG1 this way. "Find gems and gold and rub it on the item to make it a better version of that item." At least in BG2, you were putting together different pieces of a broken thing. ...Most of the time, at least. In any case, your efforts are usually better spent selling the stuff they want you to get so you can buy ludicrously cheesy stuff at places like the Friendly Arm. But you didn't need me to tell you that.

: Okay, we will have to get back to you on this.
This ends his dialogue, so we have to talk to him again in order to sell shit to him.

We make about two grand off of this exchange. A lot, but not enough to make it worth blowing money on the mod stuff in his inventory. It's good, but not *that* good.

Time to make one last stop at Feldepost's before our grand exit of Realmspace.

Specifically, we're here to kill this bastard, because I want to be ready to take care of the bandit camp when I get back.

: Perhaps you could tell us WHY you are in such a hurry?

: I'm not gonna tell youse guys anything. Git outta my face.

: You won't be rid of us that easily. We know you're up to no good. Now tell us everything you know.

: Ya know what I'm up to, eh? Well, maybe somethin' ya don't know is my magic skills. Ya might not believe me, but if you ain't outta my face in the next five seconds, I'll blast ya to kingdom come!

: You?! Wielding magic!? We can't suspend our disbelief that much. Come along now and surrender, or we'll have to hurt you.

: I just love all the options for bravado in the original game, especially when they're mostly justified.

: I warned ya, now you pay the price!

Tranzig opens strong by buffing himself, but he's outnumbered and outgunned.

Also, after finally getting properly into Mass Effect, it occurs to me that the very concept of ass wolf's class is just a giant Mass Effect reference. I'm not sure how to feel about that.

: No mercy for such as you!

: Sorry, Tranzig, but we want your XPs

: I'm not gonna go down without a fight!

Tranzig dies horribly. Also, we finally level up and gain the power to cast Knock, which will be a godsend whenever we're running around without a thief.

This is what makes Gavin special. We've met several mod NPCs so far, but Gavin is, to my knowledge, the first among them to be a big-shit-deal Romance NPC with a reasonable following. Of course, I didn't know this while recording, so as you can imagine I fuck everything up.

: All right. Why don't you introduce yourself properly.

: I've said that I'm a cleric of Lathander. I was born in Ulgoth's Beard, but I entered the service of the temple as a novice when I was twelve. Can it really be sixteen years ago? Anyway, I have been a Dawnbringer, or full priest, nine years, now.

: So why did you become a cleric?

: It is rather unlikely, isn't it? My parents were certainly never overly religious. But I always had a strong reverence for Lathander, though, and felt his presence in my life moreso than any of the other gods my family worshipped. My mother worshipped Lathander especially, though, so maybe that isn't so strange. Shortly before I joined the order, I found that with Lathander's power moving through me, I could do things other young people my age could not. But how about you?

: Well, you know my name is Archwizard Hank, and I was raised in Candlekeep by a sage named Gorion. It was a fairly typical childhood really.

: That is one of the best childhoods a person could have. Did you like Candlekeep?

: No, it was a bore. It was a small town with nothing to do. I'm glad to be out of there.

: Well, we're certainly seeing the world, now.

Now I know what you're thinking. "Archwizard Hank, you glorious bastard, you've made us read your book and now you expect us to really believe that this NPC is somehow a bigger shit deal than all the other ones that behave exactly the same way?"
Fuck yeah, I do. You have to understand, there's a certain je ne sais quoi to it. That unidentifiable stank to Gavin's dialogue. If you aren't paying attention, you'd just think he's another NPC like all the others, his banters getting lost in an ocean of static noise. But if you really pay attention, and I mean really really pay attention, you start to see that he's... Spicy.

Also, while we're here, we might as well trash our reputation a bit by getting Algernon's cloak.

Our Charisma was already stupidly high. The cloak is just a formality to fill the slot for lack of anything better. By the hypothetical end of this LP, most of our stats will have breached the 20s and we'll be a master of halberds.

Gav is probably supposed to go hostile or leave here, but another mod I'm running that clamps down on the way NPCs respond to rep probably stops him. I still donate some golds to the church because I want him to shut up and I'm still programmed to work with the vanilla mindset of keeping NPCs from leaving.

While we're in the area, we also might as well tie up the business with the ore poison once and for all.

: Berrun Ghastkill suggested you might be interested in examining this vial. It is a poison that was used to taint ore from the Nashkel mines, causing problems with the iron along the sword coast.

: A remarkable compound. It must have taken a skilled alchemist to concoct this. I may be able to formulate an antidote to salvage some of the current iron stocks, although I doubt it will be sufficient to resolve the current crisis. Leave it with me, and I will contact Taerom if I have any success.

Additionally, while we're here, we get

:
The Travel Cloak is a lightweight garment that gives added protection against the elements. Furthermore the cloak gives a bonus to AC.
STATISTICS:

Armor Class: +1 bonus
Special: 20% resistance to cold and fire
Weight: 3
Not usable by:

Fitting, since we're about to head about as far away from here as humanly possible.

I hope you kept that wizard in mind, because this is where things get wordy.

: Sure, why not?

: Thank you. I am the resident wizard of Restenford. It is a small town on the Isle of Lendore. Normally things are very quiet in our little fishing town. However, lately there seems to be problems that I have not been able to identify. Some caravans have not arrived. Also, the few travelers that have come to town have talked about hobgoblins, gnolls, and other assorted creatures harassing their travels. While I don't claim to think the isle is free of these beings, I am concerned about the growing problems they may be causing. We do have some old ruins and caves in the area that they may be hiding in. Unfortunately, I don't have the time to look into this matter. There seems to be some greater issues with the Baron's family that I must attend to. So, sir? Will you help us?

: Our options are "Yes," "No," and "Maybe, but I'm a giant idiot, can you maybe repeat what you just said?"

: Yes.

: Wonderful. I won't bother updating your map. Since we are located off the mainland, you would need a ship to get there. So I will transfer us there.

This is it. The moment I've been dreading since the LP began.
...Well, one of them. But it's a big one. Bigger than the gold, that was just me being a pansy.

: You will find me either in my home or at the tower I have in the castle. Please let me know when you find anything unusual. When you are ready, I will send you back to the temple.

We're not, as the saying goes, in Kansas anymore. Welcome, thread-goers, to

For those among you who were hardcore enough to recognize this was what we're doing the minute Pelltar showed up, my hat's off to you. For those among you who're deep enough in the mod scene to recognize this the minute I mentioned fucking Greyhawk last update, I'd personally like to get in your headspace because what the fuck man

And for those among you who were born yesterday and think TSR stands for The Spriter's Resource, I'm afraid you won't be getting a history lesson today. But I'll delve into just what Bone Hill is supposed to be, because it's kind of important to the context of this update.

The L series of modules were adventure modules written by the aforementioned Lenard Lakofka in the 80s. This mod is based on L1: The Secret of Bone Hill and L2: The Assassin's Knot. These modules were supposed to be part of a trilogy, but L3: Deep Dwarven Delve was caught in publishing hell until 1999 and, sadly, isn't in this mod. There's also an L4 and an L5 but fuck that noise

It's worth noting that in their time, the L series weren't highly regarded. The back cover to Bone Hill was allegedly deliberately botched by artist Erol Otus because he didn't care for it. Reviewers panned it for being less of a module and more of a mini-setting.

The good news is that TSR is publishing a new module for low level characters. The bad news is that it might require a more experienced DM to overcome its omissions and shotgun method of presenting information.

The Secret of Bone Hill is not a good mod. It may, in fact, be one of the worst mods I've ever played. It'd be a top contender for worst game I've ever played if it weren't running on the engine code of a CRPG demigod and I hadn't played "Life is Strange." Seriously, tank controls can eat my balls.

I went into this mod completely blind, which is unusual. Most of the vomit I've been exposing you to has been playtested, usually over multiplayer with my best friend. We tried playing Bone Hill for a bit, but it just wound up being the most dull, lifeless, confusing experience on the planet, and we hated every minute of it. So I usually just left it to rot, but I figured this thread just isn't complete without it. There had to be some way to finish it.

The central problem is that Bone Hill doesn't keep your journal updated, so a lot of what you have to do is guesswork. "But Archwizard Hank!" you say, frothing at the mouth with grognardian rage, "that's the point! It's an old school PNP module experience, you're supposed to jot these notes down yourself!"

Sure, fair enough. Manually jotting down a journal can be a fun and rewarding experience. I've played Ultima, it's a great series.

Here's where the points diverge, though. Ultima was written by people who knew what they were doing and wanted you to beat the game. Or at least the later games were, with 1 through 3 it's kind of expected now that you'll be using a FAQ because the games don't actually tell you anything.

But that aside, the general point is that when you ask an NPC for directions to another NPC or a place in an Ultima game, as long as they're someone that should reasonably know that information, they'll probably point you in the right direction. You'll at least be given a name of a town or a dungeon, and you can then use that information to ask around for exact compass directions if you have to. Never, at any point, do you feel lost.

In any case, I've said enough. I need to actually show you what's wrong.

And as a final footnote to all of this before we dive in, here's where we are in the World of Greyhawk™. The mod wants to pretend we're "somewhere off the mainland," but we're here.

It doesn't get much more remote than being an ocean away from a place called "Dullstrand."

So for this update, I considered turning this into a visual walkthrough, because that's what I wanted while playing this. I even considered doing occasional in-character play-by-plays in which a fictional DM and some players run a Bone Hill "campaign" based on the logic of this mod. But after finally sorting through the footage, I realize that this mod just doesn't fucking translate nicely. I'm going to be posting area maps to make this as helpful as possible to whatever hapless idiot plans on playing this in the future, but otherwise I'm going to present this like every other update - as-is.

First things first, though, let's get a dream sequence out of the way.

We awaken to the familiar and unwelcome chatter of NPCs.

: Thou must surely be joking! I would never relate a tale to a hamster.

: Please? Pretty please? You could tell Boo about that time you went for a swim in the Lake of Dragons, and Orovar stole your clothes and then...

: Minsc! Thou would not dare to... ahem... I mean 'tis not a proper story for such a young hamster. I would tell him "The story of the Princess Swan and her Candy Castle".

: Peanut Castle. I think that would interest Boo more.

: Indeed. So, once upon a time the beautiful Princess Sunflower Seed went to a dance to the Sunflower Dale in the Peanut Forest-

One thing you might've noticed in the area map up above is that there are no markers. It doesn't help that the map itself is made from butchered vanilla tiles, so nothing inherently stands out. It's nice that the map isn't a straight-up recycle of a map that *already exists,* but it's still difficult to tell what is and isn't an important building.

This is the personal mansion of Pelltar the Wizard. He's only here half the time.

We have to talk to Pelltar every time we want to continue the quest. It's often unclear when we're supposed to, and we can't leave this universe until he lets us. Also, if we choose the first option before we've cleared the right objective, the scripts get buggy and we'll never be able to leave.

Over here is one of two stores in town. It's also one of only four places on the map with a sign you can examine, and you only have to come here for the plot once.

This particular building has two levels. Up top is Smyth, who sells an assortment of overpriced magical crap.

We'll be getting that Rod of Reversal before we leave Lendore, but at the moment most of his stuff is out of our price range.

Downstairs is Alton, who sells very nearly every armor in vanilla BG1. Pretty much the only thing he doesn't have is the Full Plate +1 or any of the shit you find at Durlag's.

But his main attraction is his assortment of stat boosting gauntlets. We grab another set of Gauntlets of Dexterity to boost Minsc's shitty DEX score of 14, and a set of Gauntlets of Ogre Power for Gavin even though 16 isn't an altogether horrible STR score.

: I appreciate Minsc's company myself. And yours. Truly, I consider both of you my friends now, even if I have not known you for long.

: That is my feeling towards thee as well. On the road friendships are quickly forged and cemented firmly by the challenges comrades face together.

Right out of the gate, it's unclear what to do and where to go. Pelltar told us to "explore around" and that there are "ruins and caves in the area," so we're heading south for lack of any other obvious direction.

The map exit drops us here, but it isn't anywhere on the world map. This is a recurring problem in Bone Hill; most of the plot critical areas are somewhere on the world map, but a not-insignificant number of them are tucked away in places you have to guess the location of.

This is the "burnt guard barracks." The marker is just an indicator of where the exit back to Restenford is. We have to come here twice.

According to this mod's logic, the MS-Paint spray tool is "ash."

Aside from recycling vanilla tiles, Bone Hill also occasionally recycles tiles from other isometric games; mainly Arcanum. It usually doesn't work, partly because it's obvious the tiles don't belong and partly because the "camera angle" of everything in Arcanum is just slightly more askew than everything in BG1.

It's especially noticeable downstairs in the cave, where stuff like the furniture isn't entirely flush with the wall.

Instead of journal updates, Bone Hill will occasionally generate text floats once you've cleared a seemingly arbitrary threshold.

This becomes a bit of an issue, because these floats are often tucked into little corners of the map, and Bone Hill's maps are huge.

Once you've killed all the rats in the upper quadrant of this map and looted the treasure trove, this part of the quest is flagged as "completed."

We're done with the burnt-out barracks for now. Keep this abandoned house in mind.

Heading out directly west of Restenford takes us to the local temple.

It's a generally nondescript hilly area, but it's also the most important place in the mod. If we don't complete the final plot critical events here, we can't leave.

Granted, the same could be said of all the areas in this mod, but this one stands out in my mind and you'll eventually see why.

: Tell me about Phaulkon, if you could.

: Phaulkon is the god of rangers and druids. His teachings are to care for the wilderness.

: Oh! Boo and Minsc like him already.

: He also controls the weather. So you see, in Restenford, he is worshipped by all. The farmers, the fishermen, and merchants alike are affected by his presence.

: The book makes more references to a "Church of the Big Gamble" than this place, but sure.

: Could I see your services?

: Of course, my brother...please come with me.

The priesthood of Phaulkon just has the usual temple services. No off-the-wall mod items. Smyth and Alton's stuff is as crazy as the mod items get in Bone Hill - at least the ones you get to keep.

There's also a guard barracks just south of the temple. There are several of these scattered across the greater Restenford area, and they all use this exact same map. The only difference is in the generic treasure you find in the chests.

It's worth noting that Bone Hill isn't consistent about what is and isn't a container you can loot. The priests didn't mind when we ransacked the shelves and tables right in front of their faces, but perusing the chests in any of the guard barracks sends off an alert. Which I mean yeah, they're guards, but still.

The entire point of looting the barracks is to get GP, and killing him turns everyone in the mod hostile.

We reload.

He was just a clone. He won't be missed.

After ransacking our first garrison, we make our way west and get smashed over the head with some more character development. Did you get that Gavin is arachnophobic yet? I don't think you did.

Here's the area map, by the way. If it seems like I'm jumping around a lot and just giving you the highlights - and I mean moreso than usual - it's because I totally am. Bone Hill is a fucking empty mod; most of the content is backloaded on the end, and the rest of the mod is spent wandering around maps like this where you have a mostly empty half of the map with sparse enemy spawns and the other half filled with generic NPCs who aren't worth talking to.

The barracks are the white building just to the lower right of the temple complex. There are two temples, but both have the same merchant with the same dialogue.

The south road leads to "Garrotten," which we can't access right now because it's content from L2. The map marker is the exit to "Tri-Top." Nowhere is there a marker for the only truly important place on this map we have to go: the Graveyard.

Still lacking real direction, we head to Tri-Top.

Tri-Top is a mountainous region filled with horrible enemy formations and little else.

Gavin is here too.

: I don't have any friends. I never did.

:

: How about your current companions?

: Some of them are all right. I just make friends slowly.

: As long as you get there in the end. It's good to have friends near, even if it does take a while to make them.

: I agree. But where are your own friends?

: True, I am away from family and friends, apart from yourself. I still keep in touch with my family, of course, and most of the friends I've made over the years, but sometimes, you need to do things alone. The rest of my friends will understand.

: Isn't that a rather big assumption?

: I never thought it was, but I could be wrong.

I wasn't kidding about the horrible formations.

Tri-Top gets its name because it's literally just three little hills clustered together, or at least that's the theory. The book doesn't actually tell us why Tri-Top is named Tri-Top, and the map in the game is more or less an exact copy of the Xvart Village map which kind of had three hills, except now there are fewer interesting things going on.

There are two caves on the map. This one in the lower left corner is surrounded by corpses and wolves.

There are even more wolves inside, but killing them doesn't progress the plot.

The village is covered with gnolls.

The second cave is right behind the village and has these clowns loitering inside.

I've mainly been leaving out enemy deaths, but a legit gib critical from a sorcerer is hot shit.

We're done with Tri-Top now and forever. We can tackle the titular Bone Hill or the Reddy Forest, but since we still lack a clear direction, let's head to the Reddy Forest.

The Reddy Forest is a painfully empty place with one or two plot-relevant people scattered deep inside. It's like Tri-Top but without hills to make traversing it geographically interesting.

: Thou knowest much of foreign lands.

: I like to read about them. Find out what I've been missing. But here's the interesting part: no boys allowed. Any man gets caught with a spellbook, he has to choose between exile or execution. That about right?

: 'Tis so, yes.

: Any logical reason for that? Because I'm reminded of a certain other race.

:Vynd completely destroys Dynaheir here. She's just an innocent damsel in distress in the vanilla game, but all this lore shit the mods are bringing in just paints her to be part of this ludicrous group that's only at odds with the red wizards of Thay because they created that problem in the first place. No, seriously, think about it. There wouldn't be any Red Wizards if the Wychlaran just let dudes on the team. This is stupid. Well, never fucking mind. For what it's worth, I still haven't played Mask of the Betrayer. Heresy, I know.

: Where doth this lead, Vynd? Am I to be blamed for my nation's customs?

: Do you follow them?

: 'Tis not my place to decide-

: Yes, then.

It's not like we really needed another reason to side with Edwin, but we've just been given about a thousand.

The Reddy Forest is mainly populated by bandits and hostile canines.

Near the eastern exit is this man trying to construct a Stonehenge. Keep him in the back of your head.

: Not really, are you playing with rocks?

: This is a new druid grove. We do not want outsiders. You disturb the balance with your transgressions.

: Balance, eh? Okay, wacko, we are leaving now.

Near the western exit is this lady.

: What? More? Oh. You obviously aren't a wolf.

: No, nor am I a werewolf, just in case you were going to ask that next. Greetings, I am Archwizard Hank. Looks like we just missed the fight.

: Yeah. I think that is the last of them. Ugh, I think I need to find a cleric though. Do you have any healing potions I can use?

: Yes, here you go. (give her a healing potion)

: We also have the option to give her a Potion of Extra Healing or charge her 50 GP.

: Thank you. I feel so much better now. So what brings you to these god forsaken woods?

: We are adventurers.

: Well so far, this island has been an adventure I could do without. I should have never gotten on that boat to come here.

: Ah, so you're from Dullstrand.

: Things haven't gone well?

: If you call getting all your money stolen, getting lost in the woods, and having every hungry animal in the area try to eat you a good time, you are crazier than anyone else I know.

: Sounds like a typical day for an adventurer.

: (She laughs) Yeah, maybe you are right. I was on my way to Garrotten but once I got off the road to camp, I couldn't find my way back.

: Garrotten is south of us. Head that way. (point out the correct direction)

: If you've been playing the mod at all like I have, this is the first time Garrotten is even brought up by an NPC. There is no way we'd possibly know the correct direction, let alone that it's south of here.

: Thank you again. Perhaps someday we will meet again.

And deep in the middle of the forest is this guy.

: Greetings, I am Archwizard Hank. We are adventurers.

: Ah, adventurers. Out and about, doing tedious quests, saving people too stupid to save themselves. That sort of thing?

: We do good things here! All will remember the heroes that are Minsc and Boo and Archwizard Hank!

: Well if you want a quest, how about heading southwest of here and clearing out that old ruin.

: You mean Bone Hill?

: Yes, there is an abandoned castle there, except is isn't abandoned anymore. I passed by and thought I might look around but there are hobgoblins all over the place.

: Hmm, I wonder what hobgoblins are doing there?

: Exactly my point. They aren't the smartest of creatures, and normally they live in caves and small huts. So why are they housed in a castle?

: Interesting. Maybe we will look into it.

: You do that.

For the first time this whole mod, we finally have a clear and unmistakable heading.

In the upper left corner of the map is Tolvar here.

: I'm a complete failure. Please leave me to my self pity.

: This ends the dialogue, so we have to talk to him again.

: What? Can't you see how worthless I am? Leave me alone.

: Why are you worthless?

: What do you care?

: I don't know if I do care, yet.

: Look, I have been trying to hook up with anyone that needs a wizard. The last group left me here to die.

: Why?

: Because. Because, I'm no good. I don't know much and the few spells I know I fail at.

: Really?

: Well... I choke under fire. We were attacked by some gnolls, and I couldn't get the spell out. I just stood there like an idiot.

: Sounds like you need some better training.

: Training? Who would want me as an apprentice?

: Down in Restenford, there is an old wizard named Pelltar. He has several apprentices working for him. Maybe he has room for one more?

: Hmm, I haven't been there yet. Okay, I guess it can't hurt to go find him. Worse that can happen is he laughs at me. Thank you.

We get 1,000 XP for doing this, and Tolvar gets permanently moved to Pelltar's mansion.

With all of that done, we won't have to return to the Reddy Forest for a while. We have a heading, so let's head.

Bone Hill is a 1:1 carbon copy of the De'Arnise Keep, except without any of the story elements that made De'Arnise interesting.

This Skeleton Warrior is the only valid threat on the map, what with his auto-fear. I expected more of him, so the next hour or so of footage is just me mowing down hobgoblins with the killsword.

That's a Bronze Horn of Valhalla. Unfortunately, we can't keep it. (I think.)

This is where the secret entrance to De'Arnise normally would be. Since Bone Hill isn't about subtlety, there's no entrance here and we have to storm the front entrance.

: Of course. What dost thou?

: Hmm? Oh, this! Just a sketch. That tree is rather curiously shaped.

: Indeed. May I see thy rendering?

: If you like. It isn't finished yet, though.

: 'Tis a faithful likeness, indeed.

: Thank you. I have noticed that you, too, have an eye for natural beauty.

: The Wychlaran treasure learning, but they also value loveliness, whether in nature or captured by art.

: An admirable philosophy.

There were hobgoblins guarding this door, but they wouldn't have been much of a challenge even if we pretended to give a shit.

Usually, mods are a pain in the ass because they throw too many high level encounters at you and expect you to deal with them somehow. I guess I should be thankful that Bone Hill is the opposite, but there's just *so much* of it. Goddamn.

This is it. The belly of the beast.

This is such a thorough copy and paste job, they forgot to change the description for the master key.

Left behind in a fireplace is...

: This is Telvar's spellbook. All of his spells are stored inside.

This sturdy container allows dozens of scrolls to be placed in it, safe from exposure to fire, rain, or lightning -- common hazards faced by any adventuring wizard.

All of the plot-relevant wizards in Bone Hill have a spellbook you can find somewhere with a metric shitload of valuable spell scrolls inside.

It's also worth noting since we're doing item descriptions that all the hobgoblins here drop...

: In times past, innovative adventurers under pressure resorted to firing arrows dipped in healing solutions at their companions to save their lives. The arrow would cause damage, though the healing solution would heal it, and other wounds the target may have had. This is a dangerous practice, as the initial shock of the arrow impact may cause death, which the healing solution can not reverse, and so the practice has remained in use only by desperate people in desperate situations.

STATISTICS:

Special: Restore 18 HP
Damage: 1D6
Damage type: missile (piercing)
Weight: 0
Launcher: Bow
Not usable by:
Cleric
Druid
Mage

I might've covered the arrows of healing already, I might not have. Fuck if I know. The upshot is they're free money.

Telvar is over in this living space.

: Dead. Who are you?

: I am the guardian of this keep.

: Guardian?

: Yes. Yes. I was sent here to look for a ancient magical item. Perhaps you have seen it? It looks like a bronze horn.

: Who sent you?

: Why, the overlords of course. Yes, this will be a new castle for them to help protect the area. But we need that horn.

: I have the horn right here.

: Oh, goody, goody. Be a good boy and bring it here please.

: Uhm, how about you telling me what is so important about this horn?

: Well if you must know. It will allow the overlords to call to other castles for support. Excellent idea, eh?

: Yes it is, but I am going to keep the horn instead.

: What?!! You nasty little pup. You shall all die for this!

Telvar summons hobgoblins to aid him, which is mildly annoying.

The wizard and the hobs slain, the only place of note left is the basement.

This goon is lingering around where the corpse of Nalia's father normally would be.

: Sorry to disappoint you but we are not your "food".

: No matter, your warm blood will do just fine. Attack!

Alright, I lied a little bit before when I said the skeleton warrior at the entrance was the only valid threat. I forgot about the goddamn fire giant in the basement. How'd he even get in here?

The original entrance floor to the De'Arnise Keep is still here too, but there just isn't much to it aside from more hobgoblins and more trash loot.

We can't use the forge for anything...

And we can't use the secret entrance because it's now a "closet."

: Everything changes. It was time to move on.

: I get the feeling that you do not want to talk about this.

: Well, I admit that the area seems to be in need of some help, but I always found Candlekeep to be too restrictive. It's a small town, without much to do. I am looking for adventure, as much as anything else.

: That is always possible, but if you are right, it could mean that we are up against a powerful enemy, indeed. You have my support, of course, but we'll have to be careful.

We're basically done with the actual place called Bone Hill. The rest of the mod is a murder mystery which we're forced to do before we leave. Also there are bandits I guess.

Volcifar gets murdered horribly at Bone Hill, presumably by double ghosts because we killed the ghosts.

And with that, let's take a victory lap back to Restenford.

The Shrouded Hills Bridge is smaller than I remember.

Time to get absolutely shitfaced.

: I was hoping you could answer a few questions.

: We are very busy this time of year, but order a few drinks and I'm sure we can get you want you want.

: Sure, drinks sound like a great idea.

The rumor in that screencap might seem like a helpful hint, but it's the exact opposite. It's a complete and total fabrication - a ruse, designed to mislead you. This is the devious secret of Bone Hill.

In Bone Hill, NPCs will give you names, but never directions or specifics. They'll tell you to check rumors, but the rumors are literally designed to be unhelpful. Per my digital copy of the book...

It's an interesting idea for a PNP campaign where you can talk it through with a real person and maybe punch them in the face for leading you on a bullshit lead for eight hours, or maybe force them to make that bullshit reality through player fiat. But in a video game? Bullshit hints haven't been "in vogue" since the 80s and even back then people knew it was bullshit.

You need the NPCs to point you in the right direction in Bone Hill, and since you can't trust their directions, they're basically useless, and the trustworthy directions they do give you are even more useless. So I guess, really, the central problem is that the NPCs don't give you enough directions. But again, if the modders wanted to leave that out of the dialogue for some reason, they could always have just had a journal update saying "I need to see the guy, I'm pretty sure he was last seen at the place" instead of just "I should probably see the guy."

I mean, Christ, I'm not asking for Morrowind-level encyclopedia NPCs here. This isn't hard. I'm just looking for one extra line of dialogue: a cardinal direction. Even vanilla BG1 knows this. "Nashkel is to the south." "The big city is north of here." Anyway, what were we doing?

Oh boy. This conversation. This is where Gavin really shines.

: I liked gardening.

: Yes, I've always been more at home outside than in. I've never been much of a hunter, but I like fishing well enough, and I love gardening. Anything else?

: Haven't you heard me sing?

: Er... yes, but I'm tone deaf, you see, so I'm a bad judge of musical talent. Anything else?

: I always enjoyed woodworking.

: It's a good hobby. Not only is it a good exercise, it also gives a person the chance to be social. Anything else?

: I share your enthusiasm for drawing.

: Now that you mention it, I do remember seeing you at it. What subjects do you prefer?

: I like drawing people.

: I know what you mean! My brother Jolun was always the artist of the family, but I love to draw portraits myself. Anything else?

: I like to read.

: It's very rewarding, reading. But anything that expands the minds is worthwhile. What subjects did you study?

: You would blush if I told you about the kind of books I enjoy.

: You never know. We clerics of Lathander are known for being rather open-minded. Many have rather large families. And Lathander himself has been known to have a healthy appetite for carnal pleasures.

: Somehow, I expected you to be more shocked.

: People tend to be very open with Lathandrite clergy, so you'd be surprisd what I've heard. I don't know if this is exactly the kind of thing I should be admitting, but my own... experience... well, there isn't a lot of it.

: Why not?

: Not much opportunity. But back to the hobbies. Anything else?

: My friends and I spent many happy evenings touring the taverns.

: Can that be called a hobby?

: It can if you do it as much as we did.

: I'm not sure if that's healthy, but who am I to judge? Anything else?

: I had a very boring life, I'm afraid. My studies were my life.

: I wouldn't call a life of study boring! It's very rewarding, reading. But anything that expands the mind is worthwhile. What subjects did you study?

: Philosophy. I've always been fascinated by the products of a great mind.

: Yes, that is an interesting subject. Anything else?

: I've always been too active to be cooped up indoors with a hobby.

: Yes, I've always been more at home outside than in. I've never been much of a hunter, but I like fishing well enough, and I love gardening. Anything else?

: My chief occupation was seeing how much trouble I could cause. I've always been a joker.

: You must be vexed that our present quest is so serious. But you do show the signs of a good sense of humor. Anything else?

: No shit. I'm feeding you line after line of contradictory information and you're just rolling with it.

: That about covers it.

: Thank you for telling me more about yourself!

I'm not kidding, this wasn't just me showing off every possible pathway in a dialogue tree or something. The mod just lets us freely explore every path in the dialogue even when it's contradictory and would, in a perfect world, be branching. We've just painted ourselves to this guy as some kind of renaissance polymathic superchad permavirgin who exists in a quantum Schrödingerian superposition of both roughing it outdoors with "da boyz" and scuttling away in a hermitage filled with arcane texts.

And on that bombshell, I'm going to arbitrarily end the update. Going to shoot for next week for more of this fucking bone hill shit because I want to get it over with. No promises because I have about seven more hours of footage to sift through, but hey, we'll give it the old "college try," eh? Also, all of this will be on the test.

And since old habits die hard, here're some more words from our "sponsors..."

 

[d1r]

BG1 and BG2 big quest mods truly are the anticlimax of PC game modding in the early 2000's.

 

[Storyfag]

It needs to be pointed out that you seem to be misunderstanding the relationship between the Witches of Rashemen and the Red Wizards of Thay. The Red Wizards are rebellious mages from Mulhorand (not!Ancient Egypt) to the south, not exiled male Rashemi spellcasters. The entire nobility of Thay - the ruling Red Wizards included - is of Mulhorandi stock, while the servile class is Rashemi. I don't rightly remember, but I wouldn't be surprised if it would be illegal in Thay for a non-Mulhorandi to practice magic. On the other hand, the Red Wizards are nothing if not practical, so if the neighbouring Rashemen routinely exiles its male spellcasters, this or that zulkir *would* find a use for them.

 

[Archwizard Hank]

You're the MVP of this thread, Storyfag. Granted, everyone here is an MVP in their own right. But you're the MVP-est.

Why? Because you've finally pushed me to start playing Neverwinter Nights 2. Sure, I could've just used the internet to fact check my complete ignorance of Faerunian lore, but can I really call myself a Codexian without ever having played Mask of the Betrayer? I think not!

So yes, I have "homework" to do, aside from the usual "homework" of finishing the LP updates in a somewhat-less-than-ungodly timeframe. It's only fair, then, that I give all of you "homework." Last update, I alluded to there being a test, though you might have missed that detail what with it being intentionally formatted to be difficult to read. The test is at the end of this update, and I expect your results on my metaphorical desk two weeks from now.

UPDATE 9: The Secret of Bone Hill Part 2

Just a heads up, from this update forward and retroactively, all commentary from me in dialogue boxes will be prefaced with an icon (

) for easier reading. Y'know, in case italics aren't enough. I know it wasn't for me.

Having downed at least three kegs of Restenford's Best, we awaken at the gates to the castle grounds.

The Castle Restenford Courtyard is a fairly nondescript liminal area. The only real point of interest is Pelltar's tower here. The castle of the Baron is here too, but it's just a red herring for the fake rumors. Nobody helpful resides within.

If we pick the first option, we skip the quest ahead and break the mod. I feel like I've pointed this out already.

: We have found some weird problems, as well as the normal run of the mill bandits and others attacking your merchants.

: Well then, it sounds like you have been very busy. Please tell me all that has happened since we last met.

: We talked to the townspeople and heard all sorts of gossip and stories about strange occurences around here. So we decided to start investigating these stories.

: We didn't actually talk to anybody until well after we had solved most of the issues. This is the only option we are given. Reminder that the first thing Pelltar tells us to do after arriving in Restenford is to "explore around."

: Good decision, it is amazing what the common folk know about the area. Sometimes I think they know more than the rest of us so called "educated" people. So, what did you find?

: Is this mod mocking me? The peasants don't know dick. In any case, since this mod doesn't properly keep track of your progress via the journal system, you have to repeat this exchange every time you turn in quest progress with Pelltar.
After repeating the exchange, you're given a list of options that looks vaguely like this:

: We found out that there was a serious rat problem down near the old guard house. So we went to investigate and discovered an old cave system underneath.

: Caves? Caves...hmm, yes yes. About a hundred years ago or even more, they had build some tunnels under the original barracks throughout the town. They were used for storing weapons and armor. Once we started using magical storage, those tunnels were supposed to be filled in. The ones near the river would flood and so they were too dangerous to keep maintained. I wonder how many of them still exist? Anyway, going back to your adventures. You were saying?

: Someone else had found that cave and was using it as a hide out. We found the body of a thief. There was also some skeletons and other undead that we must have disturbed. We also found a huge rat nest. We killed every one that we came across but it is possible that more are out there.

: Yes, well that is something the guards can handle I think. It may be good to see Gelpas leading the "rat patrol", eh? Anyway, thank you for this weird discovery. It would be best for the guards to search for more caves and finish the job of filling them in. We wouldn't wany anyone sinister using them.

: Pelltar ends dialogue every time you bring up a new completed questline with him. I'll save you the repeated lines, but if you want to pretend like you're in the game, just start this conversation over at line 1 and skip to the next line once you hit the embedded image.

: We heard about the gnolls attacking the town. So we went out to Tri-Top and found their whole tribe. After a long battle with them, we found that their leader was an Ogre Mage. It was bloody, but the gnolls won't be bothering you anytime soon.

: An Ogre Mage leading the gnolls? That is really strange. I have never heard of gnolls allowing another creature to lead them. They will work with orcs and others but never actually have one as a leader. Very strange... I assume you investigated other rumors and gossip?

: Again, he ends the dialogue. Particularly ironic, as he seems interested in hearing more.

: We went out to Bone Hill and looked through the ruins there.

: And?

: We found a wizard and a wraith. The wizard was leading a band of hobgoblins and the wraith was controlling some undead. They were working together to build an army. Restenford was going to be their first attack. We destroyed them and their followers. The wizard had a journal explaining their plans. Here you go. He won't be needing it.

: Good Heavens! We were going to be attacked? This is terrible. I am so glad I found you in time to help us. I really need to let the baron know about this.

We get 1000XP for all of this.

Pelltar's Tower is just Ramazith's home without as many floors, and without any guards to impede your progress.

Sometimes Pelltar shows up at the top floor here, but most of the time it's unguarded. Like right now.

The crown jewel of his collection is this permanent +1 INT tome, which you might miss if you've been ignoring the mountains of trash loot Bone Hill likes to vomit on you with reckless abandon.

His desk also contains

This functions exactly the same as the last "spellbook" we picked up. It's just a scroll case filled with a stupid amount of valuable scrolls.

In any case, we're done with Pelltar for now and back to square one. Time to head back to Restenford and poke the populace for leads. This is the first time anyone's actually told us to listen to rumors, and in case you haven't caught on yet, this section of recording was from just slightly before I went and downloaded the sourcebook to see if this mod was dicking with me. Spoilers: it was.

Every Restenford townie functions like a generic peasant from the vanilla game. Talking to them gives you random text, but more often than not you'll just get the same text over and over again and get nowhere. Reloading the map helps, but not always.

Compounding the problem is the fact that most of them share the same dialogue table and all pull lines from it, either because they're just clones with the same lines or because of some other infinity engine wizardry. I never claimed to be an expert.

I'm giving you the highlights here - I met five other NPCs that gave me this exact same paragraph and refused to tell me anything else. The gist of it is there are bandits, but that information alone is unhelpful because we don't know where their hideout is.

It's also worth noting that this random paragraph contains one of the only journal updates in the entire mod.

More rumors of bandits, but still no concrete information. Directions? Anything? No?

This is just rude.

There are dialogue options for objectives you've completed, but because they're inserted into random NPC dialogue which is intended to instantly end, they don't work.

The barkeep feeds us some primo top shelf lies. The lie about the baron's daughter was what tipped me off to this mod's bullshit, but not until a little further into the update.
Also, it goes without saying that there are no wolves being led by an evil giant out west.

You get this conversation the first time Gavin gets intoxicated, regardless of location or convenience to your sanity. Consider this a flashback or flashforward to when the gang got completely hammered, because fuck showing these screencaps in chronological order.

: The place to himself?

: An ale an' a mop.

: *don't laugh*

: Tough crowd, innit?

Lounging in a dark corner of the bar is Fabio here.

: You are a bard, aren't you?

: (bows) Yes Lord, I am. Am I supposed to assume that because I am a bard, I HAVE to take requests?

: Eh, no, I guess not.

: Slap! (she slaps Fabio)

: Ouch! What was that for?!

: That is for being a pig! Your so called "armor rash" spread to me! I had to see a priest to get it cleared up.

: This ends the dialogue, but we aren't done with Fabio quite yet. I'm not sure why the tavern wench yells out "slap" before slapping him. Maybe she comes from a bad anime universe.

: (looking down at his instrument) Are you still here? (looks up from instrument) I said, are you still h... Oh, my lady! Forgive me, fair maid. I had no idea such a stunning beauty was in my presence.

: (blushing) Good sir, thank you.

: So, what can I help you with?

: Information.

: Ah, that I am quite helpful with. Please allow me to introduce myself. I am Fabio, (bows deepl) world renowned bard. Traveler to multiple universes, and past member of the famous Raelis Shai troupe. Of course you have heard of me?

: Nope, never heard of you.

: Either you mock me poorly or you must have spent your life in Candlekeep or some other hole.

: You would think Candlekeep would have at least one manual of extraplanar information with a footnote regarding Sigilian theater troupes somewhere.
Emphasis on footnote. Haer'Dalis convinced BG2 modders that all bards must be extraplanar to be interesting, but the one time we actually go to Sigil in a game, everyone's either too poor to want to partake in merriment or too busy undertaking academic activities far beyond the comically limited portfolio of a common bard.

: Actually, I have spent my life in Candlekeep.

: My poor child, you need to get out more. And I think you really need a great bard to assist you. Plus, I really need to find some better women than in this fishing town (*he winks at you*).

: In case you haven't already guessed, Fabio is this mod's token joinable NPC. He's basically a walking, talking hint system. We can ask him for information here, but the only way he'll give it up is if we relinquish a party member and leave them to rot on Oerth.

: No, sorry. Not right now. But I do need some information.

: I have heard all sorts of stories around Restenford. What would you like to know?

: What is plaguing this town?

: (snorts) What isn't. There are bandits on the road to the east and gnolls making raids on the west. There are stories of giant rats over near the bait seller. There is talk that the dead are at unrest out at Bone Hill. I have even heard some grumblings about Garrotten hating the success of Restenford, and may try something soon to change it. To top it all off, the political scene here is that the Duke of Kroten wants this town under his control, and he will do anything to remove the baron and family from here. I hear that there are spies in town plotting the downfall of the baron's control right now. On a sunny note, trade through the shipping lines is booming and fishing has been very good lately. If you like eating fish for every meal, blah. Anything else?

: When I said he wouldn't give us any information, I mainly meant "immediately helpful information." The directions are an improvement over almost everyone else we've talked to, but the way the map is laid out, the gnolls and bandits are less "west and east" and more "north and northeast." Additionally, nobody points you to Fabio. There's not even a hint that he exists. We've finished most of the basic bitch problems he lists at the start of his paragraph, and everything else is just worldbuilding and foreshadowing.

: Wow, you know everything about this town, don't you?

: Thank you, I am known for getting around.

: Or sleeping around.

Time to investigate the castle grounds for leads, much as it pains me to do so.

I know I'm really compressing the transit here, but bear in mind I'm working with nine hours of footage and a lot of it looks exactly the same.

Gavin allows you to choose from almost every good and neutral god in the Realmspace pantheon, so when this dialogue hits, you can't actually see his question unless you're using a high resolution mod. I think.

: I worship a different god.

: There is no option for either "AO the Overgod," "Bhaal" or "Myself"

: Worship of any benevolent god can really give you a sense of purpose, don't you think? I was drawn to Lathander from an early age. Was it the same with your faith?

: Not really. I discovered my faith when I was nearly grown.

: Better later than never.

This nondescript-looking building is an infirmary.

Inside is an Alcolyte of Phaulkon who spouts the same rehearsed rubbish we get from the other priests at the temple.

He doesn't sell anything worth buying, for what it's worth.

Time to see what the baron's up to.

His flunkie gives us the usual shakedown. It's so usual, I'm tempted to write it off as being straight up copied from the other servants in vanilla BG/BG2.

The Baron is chilling in one of his three living rooms. He kindly offers us three flavors of "yes."

: Yes sir, we are.

: Good, I hope you are able to help us out. There seems to be a lot of trouble brewing here all at once. Pelltar will fill you in if he hasn't already. I must get back to work. The Duke wants another "contract" with us. I do believe he would be happier if all the human settlements were under his direct control instead of being independent. Oh well, nothing he can really do about it, can he? (*he chuckles*)

: Talking to him again nets us this

: I trust you have discovered some of the evils that plague our quiet little fishing town? Please pass along any knowledge to Pelltar. I am tied up with the Duke again. Sigh. Life was so much easier when I lived by the sword.

And so ends our conversation with the baron. You might think that little sidenote about the Duke is a hint or a lead, but nope. It's another fucking red herring, at least for this chapter of the mod. The Baron is completely useless.

Nearer to the entrance is this overpaid musclehead.

: We are adventurers if that is what you mean. And you are?

: Gelpas. I am the captain of the guard.

: Well then, greetings Gelpas. Can you tell us of the troubles your town is in?

: No. Personally, I think it is all rumor and hog wash. There is nothing here that my guards can't handle. As such, I will be keeping a close eye on you since you are not needed. Don't do anything to insult the baron or this town!

: I wouldn't dream of it.

: Good.

: Well! He was very rude! We should leave this place.

: Try not to turn him into a toad, will you?

The uselessness of these NPCs is almost humbling. They are a living affirmation of Plato's Socratic paradox: "I know that I know nothing."

Time to head upstairs.

: Ah, the lovely baroness. The stories about your beauty do not compare to the real you.

: Charisma: 17

: Sweet, but stow it will you? I haven't spent my life as some noble's dish rag. I have been out in the real world getting my hands dirty. And I know a silver tongue when I hear one.

: Gee no shit. It's almost like we literally didn't even know you existed up until this exact instant and made up some BS on the spot.

: Now, back to my point. Why are you here. Grellus and Gelpas are both downstairs. You must have past one of them on the way up. So what do you want?

: Well, actually I am just wandering around. I don't get to see the inside of castles or mansions unless they are abandoned or full of monsters.

: Civic festhalls would be more our speed, I think.

: Ah yes, I remember those days. What? Don't look at me like that. I was a cleric in an adventuring party. I saw my share of blood and death. But those days are over. I grew tired of barely escaping death. Now the life of a noble bores me to death. Oh well, I guess you have to always have something to bitch about.

: True.

: Anyways Archwizard Hank, I know that you are part of that band of adventurers that Pelltar brought here. When everything has settled back down around here, I will give you a tour of the castle. Deal?

: We're now given two options. Both are "yes," but only one is valid.

: Cool! 'ave to take you up on that guv'nor. Be seeing you.

Gaelan Bayle would be proud, but this still hasn't gotten us anywhere.

This is the baron's daughter, the same one the innkeep alleges is a doppelganger trying to usurp the throne.

: I am Archwizard Hank. I am looking for, uhm, Pelltar! I thought he might be up here.

: That old coot! Well he isn't in my room! Please leave before I call the guards.

This is the only dialogue you can get out of her. Killing her (probably) sends the entire island into alert mode and breaks the quest. She is most assuredly not a doppelganger, and even if she were, there isn't any way to follow up on that information.

This is what tipped me off to this mod's bullshit.

So let's jump forward (or maybe backwards) in time a bit and get things moving. We're running out of cardinal directions on the map, so there are only so many places these bandits could put their hideout. And we've cleared all the ones we've already been to.

While we're at it, here's Pheldman's store. It's the only other general store in town, and it doesn't have very much in the way of interesting things.

This NPC is so close to Pheldman's, you could probably fit both her and the store in the same picture on the lowest resolution the game offers.

But we'll humor her and ask for directions.

: We're just here to stock up on adventuring equipment. Would you know a good place we could do that?

: There's a lot of stores about that sell equipment and weapons, I'm sure you'll find one soon enough. Oh! It's so exciting to meet some real live adventurers. Bye, bye Archwizard Hank.

: There are literally two whole equipment stores in the whole town. How fucking hard is it to just tell me the name of one of them? You're supposed to live here. Wouldn't you know? Your house is right across the fucking street from one. IT'S RIGHT THERE.

Alright, enough clowning around. Time to head north.

To the "Thief's Den," in case the fuzziness of the screencap makes that too illegible for you.

The Thief's Den is a densely forested area bisected by a river, presumably the same river that runs through Restenford.

After playing Bone Hill for nine hours, the vanilla game almost seems overpopulated. These Orc bandits are competing with the giant snake for "only denizens of the map."

There are some Wyverns too, though they seem a bit out of place.

All in all, it's a thoroughly empty and unfulfilling experience. We can't even do anything plot related here until later in the mod. So off we go...

...To "Bald Hill."

Bald Hill is the actual Thief's Den, or so we're led to believe. Its primary residents are "Orks." As far as I can tell, this is the only place in the entire game where Orcs are actually Orks.

: What?

: I was just thinking how the choices we make every day affect our lives. Go through the left door, fame and riches; go through the right, a nation falls.

: Which door do I have to go through to get the compliant nymph?

: Ah, so you're in one of those moods, eh?

: Go on, Gavin. I was just being clever.

: There was nothing clever about our remark. The word we're looking for is "facetious."

: Every decision we make has consequences. They don't even have to be big decisions. That day when I met you, I hadn't planned on any of this, that's certain. I'd just gone outside to look at the grounds and think. When you approached me, the only thing I was thinking was that you were the leader of an adventuring party, and I needed money. Joining with you was a way to do some good in the world and earn some gold. But look where things have gone since! One small decision, going out to stand in front of the temple, and then another, bigger one, taking up with a group of adventurers, and my life is changed.

: I don't see how it couldn't have. You were a homebody before, and now you're not.

: True, but it didn't have to work out quite like this. But that isn't the point. Your choices affect your life, too, and the lives of your companions. They might even affect the lives of far more people than that. Do you ever think about the consequences of your decisions?

: Are you finding fault with me?

: It wouldn't be my place to do so. I'm not trying to find fault with you, and I certainly don't mean to hound you about this. But it is something to think about.

: We are looking for a group of bandits in this area. Have you seen them?

: Bandits? No. We prefer to call ourselves "liberators of the wealthy" and you look like you have what we want to liberate. Attack!

Krellus and his band of Orks aren't exactly challenging, but beating them isn't the challenge.

Beating them without taking damage and having the game crash is the challenge.

So, yeah. I've genuinely been trying to minimize the usage of the killsword for these recordings, but sometimes this shit happens and I'm forced to use it.

The toughest enemies on this map are the Ork Mages, who are about on par with Davaeorn in terms of spellcasting capability. Even with the killsword, they'll probably put a dent in your HP, and failing that, they can dimension door to your party members on the other side of the map and potentially inflict that lovely game crashing damage.

Additionally, they drop the

: Orcish shamans often made their clothes with poor materials fixed with leather parts so they are eyesore, heavy and regularly are not the top interest for adventurers, although they possess many advantages.

STATISTICS:

Armor Class Bonus: 2
Electricity, Fire and Cold Resistance: +40%
Charisma penalty: -5
Weight: 35
Not Usable By:
Good-aligned

In spite of its name, the Orc Shaman's Cloak is treated as a robe. Combined with the Boots of the North, we are impervious to cold. We could walk into the dark core of Neptune and feel nothing, aside from immense tidal force.

This road sign doesn't want to talk to Jaheira for some reason. I can sympathize.

Nearby is an abandoned house.

Inside is a cache of assorted gems, money and a shortsword +2. Nobody interesting lives here.

Back on the other side of the map where Krellus destroyed our game, there's an unassuming cave.

I can't reiterate this enough - finding these text floats is the only way to progress the plot.

Slaughtering every ork on the map and finding the wagons wraps up everything we can do on Bald Hill for the moment, so we're out of here.

Heading south takes us to "Sir BillyBob's Farm." I can't remember if I've mentioned this already, but Sir BillyBob is the developer of the mod.



I almost feel bad for sperging out and deconstructing this, because this is easily one of the least heinous examples of modder self-insertion completely fucking with what little immersion remains in the game. Like, at least BillyBob fits as the name of a farmer. But why is he Sir BillyBob? What did he do to get knighted? Did he serve in a war? Is he a well-renowned thespian?

Anyway, the farm itself isn't important. What's important is the hilly area on the left of the map, which is home to the local druids. We can't finish the mod without talking to them.

At the entrance to the farm, we're assaulted with this.

: I'm here, man. Why the breathless rush?

: Mornmaster Keldath Ormlyr bids you return to the Song of the Morning Temple as soon as conveniently possible. He has a task he wishes you to perform.

: Thank you for delivering the message. I will consult with my companions, and will present myself at the temple soon.

: Then I shall take my leave. Farewell.

: Archwizard Hank, it is unusual to receive a summons to the temple. Would it be possible to call at the temple?

: Of course, Gavin. We shall go at once.

: "At once" meaning "never" because, well, you'll see.

: Thank you for being so understanding. Remaining in good standing with my superior is important to me.

The hilly area is one of those obnoxious BG1-era type deals where the only way to get up top is to either enter the map from a specific direction or find a well-hidden pathway. This cave next to Amos here is the way up.

Entering it automatically teleports us to the top of these stairs.

Almax up here has a selection of generic priest services, but we aren't interested in those.

: Not just now, thanks. I do have a few questions if you please?

: Of course. Just ask.

: Since you know the area well, what can you tell me of the land around Restenford?

: Which area in particular?

: South of Restenford

: (He smiles) South would be the sea itself. I assume you mean the land southwest near the old guard house?

: Yes, that's the area.

: Not much to say really. The guard house was burned down several years ago by a badly built fire in the fireplace. Another barracks was built closer to the west gate. The old one was never torn down. I have heard stories about rats in the area but they shouldn't bother anyone.

: Reminder that next to nobody even hints at the fact that these druids exist. Plenty of people mention SirBillybob and his farm, but SirBillybob wasn't in the sourcebook, and I'm 90% sure the druids *were.* This is one of the only times you're given a clue as to where the guard house is supposed to be and what's wrong with it.

: I have a few more questions.

: Of course. Just ask.

: Since you know the area well, what can you tell me of the land around Restenford?

: Which area in particular?

: Any other locations you can think of that we should look into?

: Of course, the Reddy Forest, just north of Bone Hill, and west of Tri-Top.

: Reddy Forest?

: Yes, not much there. Might be a good spot to rest between adventures. Another group of druids was working on building a shrine there but I don't know if they are still working on it or not. The problems with the gnolls have blocked all my communications with those druids.

Actually, now that I think of it, if you are going near there, please check on their status please. You should meet with Martin, he is a ranger. He is young and inexperienced, a little rash, but this is good training for him.

: I have a few more questions.

: Of course. Just ask.

: Since you know the area well, what can you tell me of the land around Restenford?

: Which area in particular?

: Any other locations you can think of that we should look into?

: Of course, the Reddy Forest, just north of Bone Hill, and west of Tri-Top.

: I have heard Pelltar mention Bone Hill. What do you know of that area?

: I write these updates in a text file before posting them. Just to make sure I'm not going insane, I ran a word search for "Bone Hill," and between Updates 8 and 9, I've mentioned "Bone Hill" more times than I care to count, and Pelltar has mentioned it exactly zero times.

: Bone Hill is the name for a hilltop just outside the Dead Forest. Long, long ago, it was the fortress to protect this area. Many battles over the years have battered it down to an old ruin. I'm sure all sorts of lost souls wander the halls of that place.

Stories from travelers suggest that the dead are walking again out there. Undead disrupt the balance of nature. Please do what you can to correct this.

: I have a few more questions.

: Of course. Just ask.

: Nothing right now thank you.

The astute among you may have noticed the house directly behind Almax.

Inside is yet another druid.

: We are looking for him, thanks. Could I ask you some questions?

: I suppose.

: We are looking into some of the problems that are occuring here in Restenford. Is there anything you can tell us?

: I don't know what all you are looking into, but some of our supplies have not arrived yet.

: What do you mean?

: Amos and I make some of the healing potions that Almax sells. We have been waiting for some ingredients that haven't arrived yet. The caravan of merchants that normally bring those ingredients is late. I haven't heard anything to tell me why. Maybe that is something you can check into?

: We fought some bandits near Bald Hill. I suspect they are the reason for your late deliveries. You may need to order more supplies. At least this time, the supplies should get through.

: Oh! That is terrible news. Those helpless merchants.

: Can I ask you some more questions?

: I suppose.

: Pelltar has asked us to look into some of the recent problems this town is having. Anything you can think of that may help us out?

: You should talk to Almax. He has lost contact with Martin out near Reddy Forest.

: What exactly is the problem?

: Martin is a young ranger who is assisting us in building a druid's grove outside of town. Almax lost contact with him when all those gnolls started attacking the town. Maybe you can see if he is okay?

: Okay, we will talk to Almax about it. Thanks. Can I ask you some other questions?

: I suppose.

: No, I guess I have asked everything I can think of. Thank you.

Back at Restenford, we raise enough capital to buy the Rod of Reversal.

With the rod in hand, it's back to the Reddy Forest we go to chat with the asshole building a stonehenge who didn't want to talk to us.

Some of the modded spell animations are broken, and this happens whenever they fire off.

: Who are you again?

: I am Martin, a ranger assisting the local druids. This is a new druid grove. We do not want outsiders. You disturb the balance with your transgressions.

: Be welcome, brother of the woods! Together, you and Boo and I shall stride forward to crush all evil in our wake! Woe betide evil! Almax has sent us to find you and see if you need help. Right Boo? (*Squeak from Boo*)

: Almax? Good, then you have come from Restenford. I haven't heard anything from Almax in weeks. I am sorry for my behavior, I am getting jumpy, I guess. I have never been secluded this long before. The peace was nice the first week but afterwards, I really needed to talk to someone.

: Almax mentioned that he lost communications with you. He assumed it was because the gnolls have been attacking the town and probably killed any messengers.

: Humm, quite possible. We will need someone to find a solution to this problem.

: Been there, done that! An Ogre Mage was controlling the gnolls. A few blades through the guts fixed the problem with the gnolls. Permanently, I believe!

: That is good news. I need someone to take this message back to Almax.

: Sure, no problem. We'll handle it.

: I thank you friend.

This grants us

: This is Martin's message for Almax. Looking through it, you see that it is a list of equipment Martin needs to help finish the druid grove.

Which really doesn't tell us anything.

Time to hop back to the other side of the map and give Almax his message.

: We found Martin. He gave us this message for you.

: This is wonderful! Thank you for tracking him down. I will get the supplies ready and send Amos to deliver them. If you see him again, please let him know that Amos should be arriving in a few days.

: Okay, we will tell him.

A postman's work is never done.

Oh for feck's sake, Gavin

: Would you be patient just a little while longer? We will go soon.

: Of course, Archwizard Hank

: yadda yadda we delivered the message you can see the fucking dialogue option

: I thank you friend. I have made something that I hope you can use in your travels.

: Thank you very much.

He also gives us 3,000XP, which is honestly a better reward. The cloak he gives us is the Cloak of Elvenkind, which is basically just free money. I've never used Hide in Shadows. I'm sure someone out there has, but I haven't. Feel free to enlighten me, though, if there's some kind of incredible metagame use for it. But I personally haven't gotten a lot of mileage out of backstabbing in this game.

Time to talk to Pelltar once again. We're well and truly out of obvious things to do, and he's the only remaining reliable way to push the plot forward. It's time to hit that first dialogue option. Remember? The one I told you would break the mod if we hit it too early?

: Nothing. Your town is fine. I don't understand what you were complaining about.

: Hummm, strange. My contacts are usually correct. Oh well, I guess I will look into this myself. Very well. You have done a great deal of work here of which I am eternally grateful for. If you are ready, I will send you back to the temple.

: Yes, please do.

: What is the meaning of this?

: You all are charged with the murder of several civilians and the theft of numerous homes.

: What?

: I haven't shown all the guard barracks I've ransacked for petty gold, but for the record, CTRL+Y doesn't usually count as murder. Or XP. It's a rather empty experience, really.

: Archwizard Hank, please tell me this is not true.

: It isn't true. I have no idea what Gelpas is talking about.

: The guards have found two homes burglarized and the owners murdered. Welcar informs me that some items are missing from the warehouses also, in particular a black pearl.

: I ransacked some warehouses too, never saw a black pearl. Also who in the infinite fuck is Welcar? This is the first time anyone mentions him.

: I know nothing about a black pearl. Go ahead and search me. You will find that I am innocent of these charges.

: Well then, we have a serious problem here. Something that I hate to admit, but my guards can't handle this. As much as I hate to ask this, will you please stay and help us?

: Yes, I would be honored to assist.

: There are dialogue options to refuse and ask Pelltar to send us back, but Gelpas blackmails us with the death penalty and forces us to help. This was where the original multiplayer playtest with my best friend ended. The difference there was we were running another mod that added cast-on-use boots which allowed us to teleport to any inn from BG1, so we were able to escape this madness. Sadly, that mod didn't make it into this installation. I kinda liked it.

: Thank you. Please check with Welcar about the warehouse issue. There isn't much to tell you about the murders. The houses were not broken into. It is as if the thief had a key. There are no signs of a struggle either. The victims had their throats slit where they stood or in their beds. It looks like they never saw the thief or thieves. Please report to Pelltar with your findings.

: Well, Archwizard Hank, looks like we need your help again. Other than talking to Welcar, I am not sure what other recommendations I can give you.

: Very well, I will go talk to him.

: Yes he was, he just left. Thank you for this information.

Bandits? Archwizard Hank, I thought you said you took care of the bandits?

: We hadn't gotten to that problem yet. This may be another group, or it could be the same one. I will go out there and found out what is going on.

: "We hadn't gotten to that problem yet?" Pike off! We killed everything with a pulse in the Thief's Den and at Bald Hill. This is just the game's way of saying there are finally plot relevant things at the Thief's Den, which as you might recall was previously devoid of such things. Implying we somehow missed them is disingenuous at best and fucking annoying at worst.

In any case, with that over with, the next hour or so of footage is mainly me jumping all over the map looking for Welcar, because the guy literally doesn't exist until this part of the mod kicks off. Thus, there's just no reference point for where he should be.

And on that pitiful note, we're ending the update for now. But we're not quite done. I promised you a test, and a test you shall have.

1. In your own words, what was the secret of Bone Hill? Please be specific.
2. Update 2A concluded with a collection of computer adverts from 1984. Which computer company(s) claimed their devices were mobile?
3. A Baldur's Gate 2 modder leaves an airport at 4 PM and a legitimate game developer leaves a train station at 2 PM. Is the baron of Restenford important?
4. In the opening post of Update 4, I referred to a "Megalopolis of RAM," amidst other things. In your own words, deconstruct my paper-thin metaphors.
   
5. In your own words, describe how we were supposed to know to investigate the burnt out guard house south of Restenford.
   
6. What does MODEM stand for? This is thread relevant.
   
7. Who is Sir BillyBob? Bonus points for specific answers.
8. (Extra credit) Who is the MVP of this thread?

• A: Everybody
• B: Everybody
• C: Everybody
• D: Everybody

9. The Baron of Restenford leaves for Dullstrand on a boat at 3 PM and his wizard advisor, Pelltar, opens a planar gate to the same location at 5 AM. How can the net amount of entropy of the universe be massively decreased?​

​

Your results will be posted on the deadline, or the day after. Or never, depending on whether or not anyone takes the test. Remember, however, that failure to take the test will affect your thread-wide GPA.

And, as always, I leave you with some words from our "sponsors..."

 

[CappenVarra]

this is way worsterer than worst

 

[rusty_shackleford]

before I read all this, did you install the imoen romance mod?

 

[Archwizard Hank]

before I read all this, did you install the imoen romance mod?

I don't have the weidu.log in front of me at the moment (dual-booted machine, long story) but I want to say "no," EDIT: just checked the .log and yeah it's not installed, which is frankly surprising as I'm sure I have just about every other romance mod ever made. I was somehow okay with putting Saerileth on my hard drive but incest was where I drew the line. I don't pretend to understand how my brain operates.

If it's any consolation, if you wanted to see it, it wouldn't be an issue until BG2 and there are plenty of options open for making secondary installations on virtual machines or what-have-you between now and then. I'm flexible that way.

In other news, the test results for everyone in the thread came back. Unfortunately you all failed. But it’s okay, I failed too. We’re all failures together.

But compared to the greatest failure of all? We’re all aces, so it evens out. And hey, look, here comes that failure now!

UPDATE 10: THE SECRET OF BONE HILL FINALE

This looks eerily familiar.

Last time, we were all but framed for crimes we only kind of committed and were blackmailed by the local law into investigating the issue. Pelltar the wizard directed us to speak to Welcar, but we have no idea where he is or even *who* he is, so what follows is a montage of me jumping all over the damn place looking for the motherfucker.

The Inn has a basement, but you never actually need to go here.

Falco’s Tavern lies on the far southwestern end of the map. Nobody inside is ever used in a quest, nor do they hold any kind of relevant information.

This dialogue is a copy job from the other inn’s waiter.

: Not at all. I am Archwizard Hank.

: Well met, Archwizard Hank, and a pearl to you. Feel free to peruse my goods and ask questions, naturally.

: Yes, show me what services you have.

: As you wish.

Falco only sells drinks, generic potions and gems.

We were told that Welcar is “usually around the Warehouses.” Here’s the interior of the Warehouses, which as previously mentioned were ransacked by me offscreen.

There are roughly three such warehouses, and Welcar is never in any of them.

Here’re some more generic NPC chats since I figured they might offhandedly mention Welcar.

This one provides a journal update that doesn’t match what he actually tells us.

Also, in case you thought Gelpas might elaborate on who Welcar is and in which direction relative to the warehouses we’d find him, you’d be wrong. He just wants to pay us for bandit scalps.

Here’s an NPC we missed in the temple area.

: Hello Yalta. We are the party of Archwizard Hank. We are helping Pelltar with some problems plaguing Restenford.

: Ah, yes. We have our share of those. Is there something in particular you are interested in? Perhaps I can help.

: Have you heard anything about the old abandoned guard house?

: Reminder that nobody ever mentions this NPC and it is in fact easier to find the guardhouse accidentally than to get info from her here.

: Yes. A little girl was bitten by a large rat down near the old abandoned guardhouse. Normally this wouldn’t be an issue, but I have heard others complaining about the rats also. Just check it out and make sure nothing unusual is going on please. Check with Zahrdahl, he is the merchant that lives near the guardhouse. He may know more about where these rats are coming from.

: Any other problems besides rats?

: Yes, bands of gnolls keep attacking the town from the west. Most of the time they leave us alone. Only during really cold winters do they make any attempt at attacking the town. It is always because of food shortages during winter. The winters usually reduce their numbers, but they seem to breed like rabbits. The latest attacks don’t follow their normal pattern. It isn’t winter, there should be plenty of food out there. So why are they bothering us? I think something or someone is organizing them.

: “Breed like rabbits.” Of course Gnolls, the most questionably furry of all OG D&D monsters, breed like rabbits. Why wouldn’t they? Every grognard worth his salt knows that Gnoll porn isn’t speculative parody, it’s documentative fact. Fuck this mod.

: What makes you think that?

And then this happens:

This is an infamous bug in poorly coded or otherwise unfinished mods. Talking to Yalta again causes the same error, leaving us unfulfilled and unsolved.

Sadly, this conversation is error-free.

: How true. His loyalty is peerless and absolute.

: I envy him sometimes. For him, everything is reduced to the fight of good against evil, and he never has to wonder if he’s done the right thing.

: Dost thou waver in thy faith?

: Hmm? No. I faced my demons long ago, and my faith saved me. But you and I are not like Minsc. For us, the world is a more complicated place. We know that there are no real absolutes, but we do the best we can.

: Is that not the best any might hope to accomplish?

: Ha! Look at the two of them now! It looks like Minsc is scolding Boo about the sunflower seeds, again.

Back in Restenford, this completely unassuming, unmarked and irrelevant looking house actually contains an NPC we need to talk to. Or *would have* needed to talk to.

: No, I wasn’t planning on it. Who are you?

: Name’s Zahrdahl. You must be that group of adventurers that Pelltar hired.

: Yes, that is us. My name is Archwizard Hank. Uh, how did you know about us already?

: Oh, well, uh, local gossip and such. What can I help you with?

: There are rumors going around that you are the cause of the local rat problem.

: I don’t remember any such rumors, but I’m willing to take the mod at face value at this point.

: Don’t blame me! The damn things keep eating all of my bait. I want them gone.

: Use a trap or two.

: Look, I sell bait, worms, parts of dead animals, good stuff like that. I don’t sell glassware or pottery. The rats are coming up the road at night from the south.

: oi m8 hottest take here maybe you should put the bait in glassware and pottery so the rats don’t fockin eat it woah spiciest mama mia mega mind blown 100 finger pointing boom

: I have set traps. I even use the ones I catch as bait. I have seen some huge ones that the others follow. If you got nothing better to do, go down to the old barracks and find out where they come from.

:

: Old barracks? Where is that?

: Follow the road south, it ends at a guard house that burnt down years ago. There shouldn’t be anything down there so I don’t know why all the rats come from there.

: something something directions being given long after we could have made use of them, do I even have to say it anymore

:

: Yet another journal update we could have used two updates ago. We’ve already looked into the rat problem, so we’ve gotta talk to Zahrdahl one more time.

: Or... Not? What the hell? This is the problem with Bone Hill’s shotgun approach to nonlinear quest design, all the actual questgivers are in places that aren’t naturally integrated into the area progression, but all of the final areas you need to visit for the quests are. So you can sweep the whole island and turn in all the quests to Pelltar, but then the actual questgivers you were supposed to find because the mod expected you to run around town gormlessly talking to nameless NPCs will all have varying answers to the dilemma of “how do we handle this data that’s presented to us out of order?”

: Have you heard of any other problems around here?

: Problems? Other than a few rats, we don’t have any problems.

: Nothing at all? Pelltar made it sound like Restenford has all sorts of problems.

: When you find out more information, please let me know. It would be, uh, good gossip and I can’t always make it up to Falco’s Tavern to get information when my leg flares up.

: Jesus Wept, guy, how bad is your leg??? The tavern is literally like 20 steps north of your place, you’re within farting distance!

Seriously!

: Okay, we will let you know.

And so ends Zahrdahl’s bit part in this grand and odious three act play. But we can’t leave his house unmolested, no, of course not. What did you think this was, some kind of critically acclaimed CRPG?

: Please do.

: One of the goals of Lathander’s clergy is to promote interracial harmony. I think this is a noble and worthwhile goal, but sometimes, I wonder if cooperation between all peoples is possible. I wondered if you think this is possible, or even desirable.

: The only truly valid option here is to dodge the question.

: How about sentient spiders? Should we try to cooperate with them?

: You’ve got me there. I do not think I will ever be able to overcome my fear to that extent. Braver people might, though.

Anyway, there’s a magic shop in Restenford near the entrance to the castle plaza.

In spite of his claims of selling incredible premium items from “other worlds,” Lazarus here only sells low-tier enchanted crap from BG1 and some mid- to high-tier spells, including Limited Wish. We get a ring of fire resistance and a helm of charm protection while we’re here. He also sells a pair of Glasses of Identification, a trait he shares with Smyth and/or Alton. I’ll wind up leaving Greyspace with the glasses, but not from this guy.

After several hours of faffing around and consulting the internet, I finally found Welcar. He actually slipped right past me at least twice because he looks like every other generic guard that patrols the city.

: Gelpas told us to talk to you. It is about the theft from the warehouse.

: Yeah. Don’t know how someone got past me’n the dogs. There’s usually a guard in each buildin’ also. It happened last night. From what I figure, some food, a couple a’ swords, and some silk were all taken. And if that wasn’t bad enough, in another buildin’, someone stole a black pearl that the baron had shipped here. ‘e’s gonna be hot when ‘e finds out.

: So they hit two buildings in one night? You didn’t hear anything?

: Not a sound. Figure it had to be one person.

: Huh? Why just one?

: Cause the thief only took what one person can carry. If there were more, wouldn’t more stuff be gone?

: Good point. We will have to think on that. Thank you.

: You know, several years ago, we had lots of thefts. Turned out some thieves from Garrotten had moved into town and setup shop down in the sewers. The baron had to hire some mercenaries to clear them out. Gelpas was the leader of that band that fought the thieves. He lost most of his team. I guess that was what made him retire from adventuring. At least he caught the bastards in the end and strung them up from the “Hanging Tree”. That’s quite a sight to see if you care to check it out. It’s out past the temple near the western gate on the road to Garrotten. I bet the guards there could tell you some stories to make your hair stand on end...Brrr!

: Remember earlier when I said this mod backloaded all its content to the latter half? Or did I not tell you that? I don’t remember anymore. In any case, this is what I meant. Up until now, this mod’s been super cagey about telling us anything or giving us clear directions, but suddenly it’s decided to give us a massive plot dump in the form of a crazy old superstitious guard stereotype guy. Everything he just said? That’s all relevant shit we need to remember and look into.

: Sewers? We haven’t found any sewers in this town.

: Oh they are here. They are not really sewers, they are meant for drainage when the river overflows. The older ones are over on the west side, down near the burnt out guardhouse. As I recall, that was where Gelpas and his band found the thieves. Matter of fact, there was another entrance up in the graveyard north of the temple, too.

: Oh, thank the gods. For a minute I thought he was going to tell us they stopped using the old sewers because they connected all the toilets to the Elemental Demiplane of Sewage. Y’know, like how they stopped using storage closets because now they all use “magical storage” for everything. Remember that detail? Yeah, neither did the mod.

I hope you were taking notes during that whole exchange, because this shit’s important.

And unluckily for us, the game left out over half the relevant information in that journal update.

Can you guess where we have to go now? Because I and the game have hinted at a pretty wide number of locations that are supposed to be plot-pertinent by now, and you know the mod is pretty fucking cryptic about where exactly you’re supposed to go.

Welcar mentioned the sewers being “near the old guardhouse,” so...

Yeah. The entrance is fucking invisible. It won’t highlight when you hit tab, so you just have to guess it’s here. Mods love to do this.

There are three or so rogues inside that like to spam invisibility potions to try and assist a backstab, but they are now and forever in perpetuity across all time, cannon fodder.

The northern exit in the house leads to the sewers, which you should be familiar with if you’ve ever explored the Athkatla sewers in BG2. These really aren’t very different.

There are Otyughs crawling all over the damn place, which are mildly challenging but certainly not worth more XP than the auto-fear Skeleton Warrior at Bone Hill. Seriously, auto-fear can eat my ass. No, really. I get that there are scrolls and spells and shit to buff against it in this game, but you never really *know* when it’s going to get thrown at you in the early game with Big World, and by the time you’re deep enough in the game to expect it, you’re knee deep in shit that nullifies panic anyway.

This room is tucked away in the upper-rightmost corner of the map. The text float appears when we pick up the

: This dirty, stained, piece of paper has weird markings on it. Looking at it closely, you see that they look like different shaped boxes and they are in a pattern.

The wording of the text float is confusing, as it implies there’s a second fragment which contextualizes this one. I looked, and there isn’t.

This room also contains

: This is the missing equipment from the warehouse. There are 2 swords, a shield, some sacks of flour and sugar (now spoiled by the rats), and a bolt of mauve silk.

The northern exit of the sewers leads to the Temple Graveyard, which we need to go to relatively soon, but not *quite* yet. Keep it in mind.

Also, while we’re on the topic of pixel hunting for hidden doors...

It turns out I wasn’t entirely correct when I said we were done with the titular Bone Hill. While writing this update, I did some digging in the game’s files for the location of a mod weapon I wanted to show off, and the result was a map from this mod I didn't know how to reach. Turns out the entrance was hidden in the back of this tunnel. Remember? The one the fire giant somehow crammed himself into?

This cavernous area is the only section of Bone Hill Proper that isn’t a straight up rehash of De’Arnise Keep. It’s also littered with undead, including a few of those goddamn auto-panic Skeleton Warrior bastards.

See above.

Since I felt like playing fair, this fight took about 20 motherhumping minutes.

Skeleton Warriors have crazy high magic resistance. You can wail on them with modded +3 weapons and your hits will either barely connect half the time or only just slightly dent their insane health pool.

FINALLY GODDAMN

: ‘Cause I bet everyone just asks about the damn hamster. I can’t imagine someone being curious about your hobbies, or your aspirations in life. It’s always gonna be the hamster. And you must be tired of it. But I couldn’t do it. I lost, Minsc. I surrender. I got NOTHING. Tell me everything there is to know about that furry little bastard. Right now.

: Vynd, that is the greatest sentence Minsc has ever heard spoken.

Moving on to the southeast corner and oh no way, no. Fuck this. Not now, not ever. Not in BG1 we’re not.

Killing the smaller ones unleashes a simply lovely chain reaction of instant-kill gas that murders everyone in the party and crashes the game.

So because our main can’t actually die, we get to go in and suffocate to the brink of death over and over again until we get what’s in that chest. Which we do. The chest contains some generic vendor trash and the

: This blade burns with a magical fire, and a charring blast is released whenever a hit is scored. "Meta Infernum" is etched on the hilt, though it appears somewhat faded and may not be original to the sword.

This particular sword seems to have a fire elemental or something imprisoned inside. Its evil nature may overpower weak personalities. However, the imprisoned creature draws nearby flames into the sword which may provide protection to the owner.

STATISTICS:

THAC0: +2 bonus
Damage: 1D8 +2, +3 fire damage
Special: Fire Resistance +50%
Damage type: slashing
Weight: 4
Speed Factor: 5
Proficiency Type: Long Sword
Type: 1-handed
Requires: 6 Strength
Not Usable By:
Druid
Cleric
Mage

This is the item I sifted through the data to find. The Sword of Flame +2 functions like Lilarcor. You can “Converse” with it through the inventory, and it will occasionally clog the feedback box with voiced text floats. Unlike Lilarcor, it’s not trying to be funny. All of its voice clips are ripped from Planescape: Torment, specifically Ignus’ soundset. Whether or not this is a good thing really all depends on whether or not you liked Ignus’ voice.

There’s a friendly skeleton in this room towards the north-central section of the map.

: Release me
Remove my curse.

: What are you talking about?

: Restore me.

There are four scrolls of restoration on one of the bookshelves behind the skeleton.

Doing this nets us a scroll of Limited Wish. The table next to the skeleton also contains

: Many of the words on these scattered pages have faded over the centuries.

...damn curse!...undead...what to do?...restoration scroll...

Only the final entry has any meaningful information:

I am out of paper and my flesh is almost all but rotted away. I understand from the others that the one who bested me is also dead. His evil has allowed him to change into a wraith, this continuing to condemn this place with unholy sacrilege.

Will my suffering ever end? I need my soul released from my corpse to join in Amunator’s glory.

I have found some restoration scrolls, perhaps one will work. But someone else has to cast the spell!

South a ways, this hilariously out of place weapon rack contains

: This long black wooden staff has a large blue crystal shaped like a blue dragon's head at its tip that radiates electricity. These staves are made for members of the Cult of the Dragon. Only the dragonriders are allowed to carry these staves. Therefore the cult may become very interested in your possession of this staff.

The dragon staves carry the abilities of the particular dragon or dracolich that the rider was partnered with.

STATISTICS:

Damage: 1D6 + 3
THAC0: +3
Special:
Grants 50% resistance to electricity.
The staff has a 50% chance of dealing out 1D8 electrical damage if the blue gem strikes.
Launch bolt of lightning with 6D6 damage half if save vs. wands. 2 charges per day.
The staff has one chain lightning charge per day.
Damage type: crushing
Weight: 7
Speed Factor: 4
Proficiency Type: Quarterstaff
Type: 2-handed
Requires: 5 Strength
Usable By:
Mage (Single or Multi-class)

Not a bad staff by any means, though I’m skeptical of this mod’s ability to deliver on the promise of dragon cultists.

Lastly, this angelic statue near the southwestern edge of the map has things to say to us.

: Why is a holy statue in this unholy place?

: This place was not always such. Many years ago this keep was used to protect the isle. Unfortunately, evil finally won. Since then several different forces have taken over the keep. Evil begats evil and each time more sinister creatures control the keep.

: Do you know anything about the current environment? Why all the undead?

: That child I cannot help you with. You are the first to talk to me in many years. I have no idea what has taken place here recently. I know that evil has lived here for many years. Its form is not known to me. The last worshiper to talk to me was a wizard looking to stop the plague of undead. I have not heard from him and can only assume he lost.

There really isn’t much more to do here, so it’s pretty safe to say that now we’re done with Bone Hill Proper.

There are two exits on the cavern map. The southern exit is where we came in, and the eastern exit takes us here. There’s no way to re-enter the caverns from here.

Anyway, back to our favorite evasive executive...

: We found this note. We think it is a map. Are these two boxes the warehouses that the thief took stuff from?

: Yes, this is definitely a map of Restenford. Those boxes match these warehouses. Look at this, that should be the West Wind. Zelmar told me that someone stole their money last week. There is a checkmark next to that building. You should check with Zelmar about this.

I’m reasonably certain the mod only mentions these details one other time outside of examinable signs and NPC names in the UI, but in case you needed a refresher on details like I did at this point in time, the West Wind is the tavern in the center of town with the Sigilian bard, and Zelmar hasn’t been important at all until right now. In fact, he fed us some of the falsest information in the entire mod. He was so unhelpful, his unhelpfulness reached an incompetence critical mass and a part of me is screaming for eternity on the brink of his Uselessness Event Horizon’s time dilation.

Also, we gain 500 XP for turning this in, not that anyone cares.

Second verse, same as the first.

: I understand that someone stole your money last week?

: We stole his money from the basement today, but just like the ransacking of the warehouses, the game doesn’t count that against us.

: Sigh. Yes, lucky for me, we had stored most of it off site before hand. So it was only a week’s earnings.

: I assume you never saw the thief?

: Ha! If I had, I would have put a few magic missiles into their ass. But no, none of us saw who did it.

: Have any of the regular customers looked guilty since then? Or maybe very happy about this? A competitor, perhaps?

: No, no. I went through all this with Gelpas. I don’t think it would be someone we know. We get new merchants all the time, so any one of them could have done it.

: How much did they take?

: 200 in coins and some small gems. About 250 gold in total.

: Okay, we are looking into this. If I can find it for you, I will.

: Oh, I just remembered. Smyth came in the other day. He runs the store next door. Anyway, he mentioned something weird about Bomarc. Bomarc runs the lighthouse. Normally, Bomarc picks up all his supplies from Smyth once a month.

: So?

: So, Bomarc had the supplies delivered to him instead. He never has anyone visit him. The guy is like a hermit. He is really grumpy and hates everyone. Typical for a gnome I guess, but with all the strange things happening around here, this just seemed stranger than normal. Bomarc always stops by here for a few ales before heading back to the lighthouse. I usually pack a few bottles for him to take. He hasn’t sent any word to me about delivering them.

: If I have the time, I guess I can stop by and check on him.

That’s it for Zelmar.

Time to check in on our good pal Smyth.

: Zelmar tells me that you had a strange request from the lighthouse keeper?

: Yes, stranger than normal for Bomarc. Normally, he comes in here on the first of every month to get his supplies.

: So, what was different this time?

: He didn’t come in at all. Instead, I found a note saying to bring the supplies up to the door of the lighthouse and leave them there. I was to knock twice and leave.

: How did you get paid?

: Oh, that was included with the note. Bomarc is a strange little gnome and usually he acts like he is mad at the world. But this was really strange, even for him. He’s a regular, even if he is crusty. I just want someone to check on him. He won’t open the door for anyone and he keeps it locked.

: Alright, I will see what I can do.

The Lighthouse is one of those things that might have popped up incidentally over the last two updates, but I really haven’t focused on it because this is the first time anyone even acknowledges that it exists.

For what it’s worth, the door isn’t locked, contrary to what Smyth has led us to believe.

There’s also nothing interesting happening on the first floor, but does that even come as a shock anymore?

Bomarc isn’t here. In his place is the brightest star in our night sky.

Sirius repeats the strategy employed by the Rogues in the abandoned house leading to the sewers: quaff an invisibility potion, attempt to backstab, rinse and repeat.

The difference here is Sirius isn’t a pushover. He’s a fast motherfucker with ridiculous evasion, he has a huge stack of potions and his backstab multiplier is way higher.

I didn’t have any kind of true sight or detect illusion or dispel magic queued up on my dudes, so the result is a fight that dragged on for about five minutes in which everyone just circled the room trying not to get royally fragged by Sirius.

At least until I remembered I had better things to be doing and this mod had wasted my time long enough.

Sirius drops the

: This grisly item is the severed left had of a human male, with a red candle affixed to each of the fingers and the thumb. It was the hand of a robber, but is now a powerful magic item.

Special Abilities:

Casts Knock
Casts Hold Person

Usable by:
Anyone

As well as the

: This is the missing black pearl that Gelpas accused you of stealing. It should be returned to Welcar, the guard near the warehouses.

And

: This is the journal of Sirius.

Reading through it, you find that he and a necromancer were hired by the elven overlords of Lendore Isles. Their mission was to bring chaos to the last remaining human-ruled areas so the overlords could take control. The Glorious Hand was created to help with the thieving. It also appears that Sirius discovered the necromancer stealing from their hoard, so he killed him. He then moved into the lighthouse to be closer to town. Near the end of the journal you see that your party was considered a threat to him and he was planning different options to have you blamed for everything.

Time to deliver the bad news to Smyth.

You know the dance routine.

: We found a thief hiding in the lighthouse. Bomarc wasn’t there.

: I suspect something terrible happened to him. Ah, I will miss the little guy.

This earns us no XP, but we probably can’t leave unless we do it.

Second first, same as the verse.

: We found the thief and the black pearl. Here, take it.

: I was afraid the baron would have my head for losing this. Thank you.

This nets us 1500 XP and a much coveted journal update.

Now you might assume that we’d be done with the mod by now, and you’d be forgiven for assuming so because this is effectively the final step in a sequence which the mod's godforsaken design has mislead me into running out of order. Yet again.

You see, we could try and go back to Pelltar and tell him we solved the mystery of the thefts, but we still can’t return to Realmspace because there’s the small matter of Bomarc’s corpse. That one fecking corpse is going to tether us to this universe until we find it.

So since we’re stuck here, let’s go traipsing around the wilderness for a bit looking for the next arbitrary objective.

: Yes, I do. Why?

: There’s something I need to tell you. This isn’t about your past decisions, it’s about mine. I’ve been concealing something from you.

: What is it?

: I have a daughter. She’s five years old, her name is Lanie, and she lives with her mother. I am adventuring to raise money for her education.

: PFFFFHAAAAAAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHA HOLY CHRIST ON A CROSS YOU GUYS THIS IS SO FUNNY AND YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW WHY YET

: Wouldn’t you rather be home with her than on the road?

: That... er... isn’t possible, I’m afraid. Her mother and I do not have an... easy relationship. Before I go any further with this, I need to know how much of my past you want to hear.

: Seriously the payoff for this will be incredible

: You’d better tell me everything.

: Very well. I’ll try to keep it as short as possible, but it is a long story. I met Lanie’s mother when I was nineteen, and I’d only been a priest a short time. I was too naive to suspect that the woman was not as honest with me as I was with her, or to doubt that her interest in me was genuine. All of my trust in her, and most of my respect for her died the day she told me she was with child by me. I knew that the baby was not mine. It was too soon, if you know what I mean. In any case, I sincerely wanted to be a father, so I was willing to endure the lies in order to become one. And fatherhood has been rewarding. I could not be closer to Lanie if she were my own flesh and blood. I should have thought it through more carefully, though, because the lies did not stop once Lanie was born. Every time I went out of town on temple business, the woman would drop Lanie off at Bordland’s, my neighbor’s, and go pursue her own interests, finding a rich man to give her the things a poor priest never could. After I found her out, I left the house. Now, I only return when Lanie’s mother is gone, so that Lanie could be with her father, not some stranger. I am the only father Lanie has known. I have never regretted my decision to become a father for a moment, though I do wish I had made wiser choices about her mother. Lanie’s education was the one matter about which both her mother and I agreed. Lanie is a bright girl, and is beginning to show signs of magical ability, even at her young age. It is important that she learns to control her abilities now. This is probably just the bitterness talking, but Lanie’s mother was not willing to make the sacrifices involved in raising money to pay for Lanie’s education. So here I am. I hope this does not affect your plans to allow me to adventure with you.

: In case you didn’t want to actually read any of that (and who could blame you?) the main takeaway is that Gavin has a wife who cucked him hard and had a kid with his neighbor. Because Gav is hardline Lawful Stupid, he took it as an opportunity to be a parent. Keep this in the dark recesses of your skulls.

: No, you’ve been open with me, even if you did keep quiet about it until now. I can accept that you have other obligations.

: I thank you for letting me unburden myself. I am glad for the opportunity to be honest with you.

Days pass as we wander the desert, searching for purpose.

: I apologize, Gavin. It slipped my mind. We will go at once.

: If you are good to your word, Archwizard Hank, I will stay with you. But I must warn you: If we have not spoken to Mornmaster Kelddath with two more days, I must leave you.

Then Gavin was wiped from the face of the cosmos by a lightning bolt. It happened so fast, I had to go frame by frame through the footage just to see what even killed him, because the feedback box couldn’t keep up.

His destruction was total. His particles were completely and totally thermodynamically annihilated. He is gone, snuffed out, eradicated, destroyed, ceased, no more.

...On the main playthrough.

But that’s a story for another time!

By the way, I can’t remember if I’ve pointed this out already, but occasionally when transiting between areas you’ll be waylaid by a “Giant Stick Insect,” which uses a recolor of the model for The Ravager for some reason.

Time to return to the Thief’s Den and take care of the plot relevant things what spawned there.

: “Hold up boys?” I only see one of you. You don’t carry a small furry pet in your pocket do you?

: A small pet? No. However, since you now know about my henchmen we can all get acquainted. One moment before you go. We are looking for some travelers from Restenford. I assume that is were you are from?

: Not originally, but yes.

: This is the only option. Unlike every other bandit or assassin in the vanilla game, there is no option to lie to his face like some kind of, I dunno, intelligent person.

: We were told some travelers from Restenford have an important item we want. Oh, don’t worry about getting it out now. I will take it after you are dead. Get ‘em boys! We must find the Hand!

The Hand Bandits all pull the same bullshit strategy employed by Sirius and the Abandoned House rogues. You know the dance: Invisibility potion, Backstab, Rinse, Repeat.

The second half of this mod activates in Chapter 7 after we leave Candlekeep and is supposed to be entirely about rogues. I’m investing in detect spells after this.

The AI spams the potions so frequently, the game actually has to tell it (in vain) that stacking invisibility potions won’t work.

Eventually after strategically positioning multiple Killsword-armed combatants in a triangular formation, I was able to box in the bandit leader and prevent him from evading my hits.

This fight lasted longer than the one against Sirius, I swear to god. I’m making a laundry list of spells, items and skills to get for this kind of shit because having to use the Killsword is just ridiculous. I should be better than this.

The Hand Bandit Leader drops the

: This scrap of paper has little legible writing left on it. It is covered with ash, dirt, and it looks like recent blood. Here is what you can read:

...eagerly await the arrival of the Glorious Hand...w... an we not achieve ... in our clutches ....

Time to head back to Restenford again and tie up some more loose ends.

: We found the thief. He was hiding in the lighthouse. Here is your money.

: What? This is wonderful news. Thank you.

This nets us 900 XP and we lose 250 GP.

We’re missing our sixth man, and this mod’s token NPC is as good a shoe-in as any.

: (Show paper scrap) Does this make any sense to you?

: Hmmm. Glorious Hand? Where have I heard that before? Yup, got it. (clears throat)

dum de dum, don’t understand
tallow drips on withered hand
‘neath shadow of a gallows’ pole
I took (something, something),
fingers dance and I stretch and yawn
Hand of Glory.
(frowns) I can’t remember that middle part.

However, I do know it is talking about creating a magical item. Don’t know what it does though. Where in the world did you find this information?

: On the body of a bandit just north of town. Seems a group of them think some travelers in town have this hand.

: If you haven’t guessed already, the mod wanted us to find the note on the bandits and aimlessly ask around about it before actually finding the Hand, even though the very first task we’re given during this part of the mod is “speak to Welcar about the thefts,” and Welcar directly points us to Zelmar, who in turn points us to Sirius. All this shit with the mystery of the Hand and the bandits is presented as an afterthought, but you can’t progress in the mod without doing all of it.

: More bandits? Nice, just what this town needs. Maybe it is time for me to head south. At least in Garrotten, the bandits work in the town, no reason to steal from you if you are heading in.

: This ends the dialogue, so we need to speak with Fabio again.

: Welcome back, Archwizard Hank. What can I help you with?

: We need you in our group.

Fabio joins without any commentary. He just jumps at the opportunity to not sit in a tavern, which might strike you as odd down the line.

Fabio’s stats are very thoroughly average. I don’t really use bards nor am I a huge fan of them, so nothing here really sticks out to me as being really great aside from his massive DEX which strikes me as being kind of a bottleneck because his STR isn’t large enough for it to be effective.

Also, it’s been a long time since we’ve had a new mod NPC, so you know what that means. We get to read the

Fabio, the famous bard - so he claims, seems to have wandered everywhere. Touring with different ensembles across multiple worlds. Unfortunately, he refers to things on other worlds that don’t always make since to those that haven’t traveled there. One obvious vice of his is women. He can’t keep a conversation with you without looking around at any female nearby. Thinking himself quite the ladies man, he can be very annoying at times to the female party members. He likes to try different accents, hoping to swoon any women nearby. Hopefully, his silver but forked-tongue will not get you into any trouble.

Additionally, we get to listen to another custom soundset.



It’s fucking horrible. In fact, I’d go so far as to say it’s worse than Gavin, because while they both share in being greasy basement dwelling turbonerds who can’t act, at least Gavin’s soundset fits his character. This? This is just Sir Billybob living out some disgusting wish fulfillment fantasy. Show some dignity, man! This is just embarrassing. Hell, at least put some heart into it, you clearly want to be this guy.

Fabio’s main attraction, aside from being a tour guide to this mod’s insane moon logic, is that he comes decked to the gills with overpriced magical crap. A Longsword +1, a Nymph’s Cloak, a Bard’s Ring and

: Fabio claims that this is the famous lute used by Pellon Kay. However, with all his travels, he has modified some of the magical abilities.

How Fabio obtained this lute is a mystery he won’t talk about.

Special Abilities:

Once per day, when played at a target, this lute casts Dire Charm.

3 times a day can cause confusion to all creatures within listening range (save vs. spells to avoid the confusion). The bard and fellow party members are not affected by the confusion.

Only usable by:
Bard

You read that right, it’s a special snowflake mod NPC item that’s usable by any bard. Not just Fabio.

We’ll be ransacking his inventory before we leave for Realmspace.

And we’re just inches away from leaving.

: We killed the bandits. On one of them we found a note. It talks about a “Hand of Glory”, whatever that is. I think that is what they were looking for.

: Remember, the mod allowed us to tackle events completely out of order. What follows is the exact order we were supposed to do things, according to Sir Billybob’s crazy space logic.

: Hand of Glory? No, I can’t say I have ever heard of such a thing.

: 2000 XPs for this.

: So my song is the only lead? Hmm. What about looking through all your books here? We may find more information.

: Neither Fabio nor Pelltar will suggest this unless you meet up at Pelltar’s mansion.

: Books? Yes! Good idea, it may take you awhile. Don’t bother my apprentices though. They have their own work to do.

What follows is an absolutely unforgivably immense text float:

The only new information here is the tidbit about the hanging of Reynard. Everything else was contained in Welcar’s infodump, which again I emphasize was the first thing we were pointed to in this ass backwards mystery.

We now have to head over to the temple area and talk to a completely generic nameless guard.

In case you need a refresher on how *mind-bottlingly retarded* this is, this is what guards normally say.

However, because we’ve now passed the arbitrary threshold of “have read books,” this guy wants to talk to us. Okay, sure. Whatever.

: Yes, we are. What can you tell us?

: Nothing. We guard the town gate. Neither of us have been tasked with looking into the stealing.

: Thanks anyway. So do you just man the gate?

: Yup. Well, except for the tree over there.

: You guard the tree?

: Nah, just the bodies of those we hang.

: The “Hanging Tree” was also part of Welcar’s infodump, but we couldn’t look into it in any way because we didn’t know Reynard existed. It’s this unassuming tree by the gate:

: Er, could you explain that please?

: We watch over the dead ones. Make sure nothing happens to them. People like to throw rocks at people they don’t like.

(He leans in toward you and whispers) The witches like to steal body parts to make zombies and other horrible monsters.

: But, you don’t have any witches in this town.

: Huh? Oh, yeah. I guess we don’t.

: Boo and I see that you have a new rope up there. Did someone evil get some butt kickin’?

: Oh, yes. Reynard. (He spits on the ground) He was a nasty bastard. A highwayman. He robbed many coming in and out of town. Sometimes he did more than rob. He wanted the ladies to always remember him, if you catch my meaning. Killed a few of my buddies before we captured him. Hanging him was too good I says. I’d have put the rat cage on him and left it there.

: Lovely. So he was a thief?

: One of the best or worst, depending on how you look at him.

: Anything unusual about his hanging? Anyone snooping around here?

: Not that I know of. Ravella was the last on guard, and she’s the one that buried him. You would have to talk to her.

: Where can I find Ravella?

: She took today off. Should be back here sometime tomorrow.

: Thank you. You have been a great help.

Time to...

Jump forward in time just a bit.

: Yes, we are. What can you tell us?

: About the thefts? Nothing really. None of them have been in this part of town.

: I am more curious about the recently hanged bandit you were guarding.

: You mean Reynard? Nothing special with his nasty self. Why you ask?

: Nothing happened while he hanged there?

: No. Should it?

: Maybe. We have information that a group of bandits was looking for a magical item. That item is made from the hand of a dead thief or bandit.

: Well, nothing happened on my watch. So bugger off.

: No, I can tell you are lying to me. Tell me what happened. I can always tell Gelpas that you are being uncooperative.

: Alright, alright. But you can’t tell anyone! One night I thought I saw someone near the body. I scared ‘em off and didn’t think anything about it. The next morning I discovered that Reynard’s left hand was cut off. I didn’t want to get in trouble so I brought him down and buried him in the graveyard. I covered everything up by telling the sergeant that the body was starting to fall apart. Until now, no one has asked any questions.

: Can you show us were you buried him? I want to examine the body.

: This is it. It’s finally time to visit the graveyard. We’re so close to Realmspace, I can smell it.

: What?! Are you mad? Gelpas will lock me up for this if he finds out.

: Then I suggest we do it now and don’t talk to him about it.

: Alright. I’ll take you to the grave.

Welcome, at last, to the Temple Graveyard.

: Now, we dig him up and confirm your story.

: You dig up Reynald’s grave. After prying open the coffin lid, you discover two bodies in the coffin. One, a human male with his left hand missing, the other is a gnome male.

: What in the abyss? That’s Bomarc in there with Reynard. He is the lighthouse keeper. Or at least, he was.

: Looks like someone killed him, see the marks on his neck? Someone crushed his throat. Didn’t you realize you had two bodies in there?

: No! I mean, well, the coffin was too heavy for me. So some of the guys helped me but we had a hard time carrying it over here. I nailed down the lid! I didn’t notice anything unusual.

: It looks like someone pulled the lid off. See where some of the nails are bent and reused. There are marks on the bottom edge from a prybar or something.

: Well, someone killed Bomarc. He may have been a grumpy little gnome but murder is not acceptable in this town. Someone needs to be brought to justice.

: We already went to the lighthouse and dispatched the thief. It looks like the bastard killed poor Bomarc. We’ll let Pelltar know what happened to him.

: Please do. I got to get back to my post. I will send someone up here to rebury these two.

We get 2000 XP and another much sought-after journal update for this.

The Graveyard is home to epitaphs that make me want to introduce Bone Hill to Bone Saw.

WOAAAHH YEEEEEEEEAH THE CREAM RISES TO THE TOP WHAT’RE YOU GONNA DO BILLYBOB WHEN MACHO MADNESS COMES CALLIN FOR YOUUUU IN THE FALL BRAWL WWF RPGCODEX SUPERSLAM

Unfortunately raising Randy Savage from the dead isn’t quite within my power at the moment, so in exchange I’ll defile the dead instead.

Alright, we're all clear. Let’s blow this thing and go home.

: We explored the old sewers and found the body of a wizard or someone dressed like one. We also found this note. We aren’t really sure what it is, but think it might be a map. Does that make any sense to you?

: What kind of cerebral damage would you have to sustain to have to get second and third opinions on a goddamn map

: It is very hard to read, but hmmm.... It looks like a really badly drawn map of this town. Assuming this line is the river, these must be the houses and stores around here. Why would there be checkmarks? Oh! I have it, by loving Mystra! The checkmarks are next to the buildings that someone stole from. See here, these two are the two warehouses that Gelpas was talking about. While you were gone, I talked to him about the other thefts. They match this perfectly. Go talk to Welcar or to Zelmar, I hear he was also robbed. These others would be the homes. Strange. Why would the lighthouse be on here? Bomarc is almost a hermit. He wouldn’t have anything to steal. Well, it doesn’t have a checkmark, so maybe this is just a landmark or something.

: We have already been to the lighthouse. We found the real thief. His name was Sirius and he was hired by the elven overlords to destroy the baron’s control here.

: What ever happened to the Duke of Kroten? The mod was setting him up to be the guy behind everything and just kind of forgot he existed.

: So the overlords are at it again? This is the most extreme tactic they have used on us. I will notify Gelpas and the baron immediately. You have done a great service for this town.

: Good. I hope I am done here, I need to finish my own quest back on the mainland.

: Indeed, we can never thank you enough. I will cast the spells to send you back. I will take the Glorious Hand, my students will find it worth studying. Since it only effects humanoids, I can’t image it being of much use to a powerful adventurer like yourself.

: I have no idea what he’s talking about. It casts Knock for free. How is that not useful?

: Hey now! You guys are leaving this lovely town? I’m sorry but I need to stick around. The Baroness may not like me but her daughter sure does. I just have to keep working on her. After all we just did, I should be a hero to the Baroness! Maybe I’ll see you on the coast someday. Goodbye.

And so Fabio, the man who jumped at the opportunity to adventure without any comment, leaves at the mere mention of extraplanar travel. It’s almost like he was born and raised in Restenford and made up a bunch of bullshit about being from Sigil to impress bar whores. In fact, it’s exactly that. I’m sticking to that headcanon.

Also, if you weren’t paying attention to Fabio’s inventory, he takes all of his glitzy magical trinkets with him along with anything you may have accidentally left on him, quest relevant or not. So if you play the mod (why would you?) don’t do that.

And as if by magic, we’re right back where we began, one man shorter and several levels and lethal magical items richer. You know what that means! Or maybe you don’t. It’s time for

Playing this mod was a brutal, dreary, harrowing experience. Rewatching the LP footage and organizing it into screencaps was even worse. There were only so many words in the English language I could use to say “and then we went to the place, and we did the thing, and we killed some guys. There weren’t many guys to kill. And the quest design is bad.”

The Secret of Bone Hill is, to butcher a famous Shakespeareanism, an infinite deal of nothing. The encounters range either from criminally bullshit to just plain mediocre without much in-between, but there just isn’t anything incredible going on with the encounters to make them stand out. The dialogue is heinously long-winded, but it doesn’t actually tell you anything. The maps are all huge, sprawling and strewn-about affairs, and the quest progression doesn’t follow any natural game design logic. Put simply, its encounters are nothing, its dialogue is nil, its maps are null and its design is void.

The writing, by the way, is some of the most inconsistent and ridiculous I've ever had to endure. I think I've somehow been lessened as a human being just by being associated with it. In the vanilla game, CHARNAME's dialogue options (under most circumstances, at any rate) paint a character that knows what they're doing, or at the very least can afford to act like an idiot. In Bone Hill, almost all of the dialogue options are some variation of either "I'm a titanic shithead" or "yes," and the slipshod nonlinear progression paints a CHARNAME that is simultaneously clairvoyant and prone to lapses of sudden catastrophic amnesia. The NPCs are useless up until the very end of the mod when they start overloading you with information you don't need anymore, and the writing's own inability to keep track of details it sets up (The Duke, the magical storage) paints a picture of a bizarre leper colony-esque society in which the foulest social outcasts, degenerates and mental cases of Greyspace are left to rot on this hellish island. Also by the end I was really fucking sick of typing all the names in this dumbass mod, but that's honestly more a quirk of the original campaign setting and Lakofka's unfathomable insistence on using "-ar" as a suffix for damn near everyone.

You have no idea just how fucking excited I am to be back to the regular game. Seriously. Like, the other mods are bad, but at least they’re entertainingly bad. This? This shit is just sad. It really got to the point where I started to dread writing the LP, because I knew I had to sift through nine hours of this blasted Bone Hill trash again to try and find something, anything worth commenting on. I like writing the LP, but not like this.

My best friend suggested maybe polling the thread about skipping Bone Hill altogether, and that’s mainly what the test at the end of the last update was about. I wanted to know if thread interaction would even work in a timely manner. And honestly? I think it could if I updated more than once a month. Hell, I know this thread’s been nothing but me setting unrealistic deadlines, but I really feel like I could maybe bump it up to twice a month now that I’m past this. This dross was like swimming through an Olympic pool full of molasses while a smelly fat guy pelts you with stale doritos and blasts the very worst of Iron Maiden out of an old boombox. I’m talking, like, Virtual X era. Really bad shit.

The only thing I can think of that would detract from the sheer, unmitigated bliss that is knowing this is finally over is the fact that we have to return in Chapter 7 to play the second half of this mod, and it’s on that note I leave you.

But as always, here are some words from our “Sponsors...”