Let’s have a list!
Original Garrett: Was an older bloke, a little on the homely side, who had an appealingly intelligent character. His dry wit was the perfect foil to the world of Thief, which stopped things from becoming oh so seriousface’d. He was incredibly honest about his place in life which made him more of an anti-hero than anything else.
New Garrett: BECAUSE I'M THIAFMAN! The new Garrett is a generic ‘badass’ who wouldn’t be able to tell the difference between actual humour and incessant pop-culture references. A fully-realised three dimensional character boiled down into an archetype, which I hate oh so much. He’s THIEFMAN, he THIEFS, and he THIEFS broodily. BECAUSE HE’S THIEFMAN. Or maybe THIAFMAN.
In other words, Garrett takes himself so seriously to the point where he becomes a joke, but the kind of joke that makes you feel sad for him rather than anything else.
Original Garrett: Mostly looked out for number one unless there was a threat that was… incompatible with his future prospects, then he’d take an interest because it was down to his survival. This meant that that he was a very believable, and ultimately a very human hero. We had a character whose motivations were, for once, not uncanny valley by nature.
Oh, and he had a properly mechanical eye.
New Garrett: “I’M GONNA SAVE THE CITY, AND SAVE THE GIRL, BECAUSE I’M THIAFMAN! And I’m going to brood about it a little bit, too. Brood, brood, brood. Save everyone. Brood. I may steal something too, but only because I feel obligated due to the name of the game.
Oh, and look at my Apple iSight implant, it looks so clean and magical!
Old Guards: “Um… are–are you all right? N–no, no, of course you’re not all right! Sorry.”
“Wunna these days I’m not goin’ ta be a guard any more, I’ll be a… a manor lord! I’m goin’ ta ‘ire a buncha guards, put ‘em all on night patrol, then sneak up behind ‘em and say ‘oi, d’you ‘ear that?’ Watch ‘em jump!”
“Wossat smell? Smells like… eh? Smells like old meat. Hrm, couldn’t be me, I bathed just three days ago.”
They were charismatic in their drunken, loutish way. And genuinely funny, too. Even Deadly Shadows had some brilliant moments with guards, laugh out loud stuff. The writing was clever and memorable.
That and they had fun cusses like taffer.
New guards: They say fuck a lot, don’t they? My, oh my, do they ever say fuck. Fucky fucky fuck ducky duck fuck.
I guess it’s because we’re all thickos and we couldn’t comprehend that another reality with a different culture might not have its own words for things. No, that’s inconceivable.
Also, my personal favourite quote?
“YOU can SMELL the RIVER from HERE!!!!!!!”
Yep, those are some particularly charismatic and funny guards, right there. Yep.
And, really, I could go on. It just annoys me because it’s a gormless, charmless, characterless medieval Batman game. If they’d called it Rogue, and the main character Garriott, then I’d have been far less annoyed at it.
I look forward to a future when publishers aren’t such cowardly pissants that they can be brave with interesting, new IPs. IPs that have their own character and charm, made for intelligent people because, hey, we’re not all so completely thick that we need taffer replaced with fucker.