Baldur's Gate Baldur's Gate 3 Early Access Thread [GAME RELEASED, GO TO NEW THREAD]

[Herumor]

RPGs are the root of all evil and depravation. Religious and holy people should avoid them.

View attachment 39206

Hang on, that logo is blocking out the best part of the picture:

>Thai cuisine

 

[ArchAngel]

Religion can be looked in two ways:
#1 God is real and you are really damning your soul to eternal hell by going against God's rules
#2 Religion is set of rules by ancient people based on best practices of good life. You are fucking up your life by going against it. Even with techological advances humans are still same inside.

1: there's no more evidence for the existence of any of the major deities than there is for the flying spaghetti monster. When will you accept the FSM as your personal saviour and avoid eternal damnation?

2: ah yes, those ancient and best practices such as "don't eat shrimp", where would be we without those absolute gems

Let's not forget some more classics from the Bible:

- if you sin without knowing, kill a ram 'without defect and of the proper value in silver, according to the sanctuary shekel' as a 'guilt offering'. Animal sacrifice: absolving idiots of their sins since the dawn of time!

- cut off parts of your dick!

- kill your son if the voices in your head tell you to! ( A certified hood classic)

- don't eat pigs!

- don't have long hair otherwise you're a disgrace! (Some other religions say you may not cut your hair - they're obsessed!)

- don't wear clothes made from two different materials!

- I had to quote this one it's so farcical: "Do not cut the hair at the sides of your head or clip off the edges of your beard"

- menstrual blood is scary fucking shit, anyone who touches it is tainted. Oh and anything the woman sits on is tainted as well - no sniffing those seats you fucking perverts!

- buy slaves and treat them like property!

- guys with crushed balls / severed dicks are not welcome in church!

Each religion is mostly focused on area and people there. But they got common rules that will work more widely

 

[Decado]

There's nothing a Blade can do that a Swashbuckler doesn't do better, minus the gay bard songs that you will never use anyway because they don't get better with level.

 

[Grunker]

I have no clue how Dispel Magic works

 

[Decado]

I don't know that Keldorn makes all other Dispel Magic sources weak and gay, plus Carsomyr, plus he'll fuck your sister.

 

[Nerevar]

My BG2EE is not working it is freezing on quicksave and area transition.

This is not good. What am I supposed to to while waiting for BG3.

Also the base game is super easy. Just have the right protections and win a scroll that makes you immune to undead or all magic? That's hilarious.

 

[Gradenmayer]

Just have the right protections and win a scroll that makes you immune to undead or all magic? That's hilarious.

Well, having the right buff is the entire strategical depth of RTwP.

 

[HammyTheFat]

so you're stuck with 8 teen fiction freaks and 2 of the worst characters from the original games.

Where is my Jan Janson, fuck!!!!

Given larian's fetish for bizarre humor I am surprised they added the boring hag of an elf over Jan.

---

Jan: So Viconia, I suppose you must be a drow, eh?
Viconia: Speak not to your betters, surface slave.
Jan: My brother, Elgar Buttercup, had skin the shade of charcoal, too. Well, technically it WAS charcoal. He died in a nasty fire, you see.
Viconia: You do love the sound of your own voice, don't you gnome?
Jan: My own voice? Heartless wench! Do you not know? I am deaf. I have never heard the sound of my own voice. I read lips... (sob)... only lips...
Viconia: Deaf? Truly? In the Underdark the deaf are killed or used in pain threshold experiments.
Jan: I heard that! In fact, it reminds me of the time I was eaten by an avatar of Lolth. I was stuck inside her stomach with a miserable drow called Biffle Chump for days. Of course, I was forced to eat him. A matter of survival, you understand. Nothing personal. He tasted a bit like chicken.
Viconia: [to Protagonist] How is it that you travel with such a wee buffoon?
Protagonist: Truthfully, it all goes back to the time that Jan's cousin, Plooty Paladin-piper, got caught in a nasty flesh golem eating contest...
Jan: Aye, Plooty had a way of attracting golems. Brilliant, really. You start with a saucer of milk - golems are suckers for milk...
Viconia: I refuse to listen to this.

 

[ArchAngel]

I don't know about you guys but I feel like I just haven't started the day properly unless I've lopped off chunks of my dick and sacrificed my firstborn to the invisible man in the sky.

But do you deny the fact the west is in crisis due to the lack or religion in their life?

People in Vatican and a lot of other churches still uphold their ancient practice of fucking little kids. Lets not pretend that religion doesn’t spread degeneracy.

No, they do this because church was easiest to infiltrate by pedophiles for centuries due to their social position, authority and accesd to small children.
But that is changing now that Church lost a lot of its previous power, now pedoes go into schools and other such places.

 

[Gradenmayer]

so you're stuck with 8 teen fiction freaks and 2 of the worst characters from the original games.

Where is my Jan Janson, fuck!!!!

Given larian's fetish for bizarre humor I am surprised they added the boring hag of an elf over Jan.

---

Jan: So Viconia, I suppose you must be a drow, eh?
Viconia: Speak not to your betters, surface slave.
Jan: My brother, Elgar Buttercup, had skin the shade of charcoal, too. Well, technically it WAS charcoal. He died in a nasty fire, you see.
Viconia: You do love the sound of your own voice, don't you gnome?
Jan: My own voice? Heartless wench! Do you not know? I am deaf. I have never heard the sound of my own voice. I read lips... (sob)... only lips...
Viconia: Deaf? Truly? In the Underdark the deaf are killed or used in pain threshold experiments.
Jan: I heard that! In fact, it reminds me of the time I was eaten by an avatar of Lolth. I was stuck inside her stomach with a miserable drow called Biffle Chump for days. Of course, I was forced to eat him. A matter of survival, you understand. Nothing personal. He tasted a bit like chicken.
Viconia: [to Protagonist] How is it that you travel with such a wee buffoon?
Protagonist: Truthfully, it all goes back to the time that Jan's cousin, Plooty Paladin-piper, got caught in a nasty flesh golem eating contest...
Jan: Aye, Plooty had a way of attracting golems. Brilliant, really. You start with a saucer of milk - golems are suckers for milk...
Viconia: I refuse to listen to this.

If you told me this was from some Larian game, I’d never assume you are lying.

Looks like the cringe dialogues in BG3 are actually just a part of being faithful to the original Baldur’s Gate after all.

 

[Aphex81]

RPGs are the root of all evil and depravation. Religious and holy people should avoid them.

It's a substitute for picking up arms and driving the mongrels out of western countries. As long as you ppl play rpgs i am forced to keep my Zweihander sheathed.

 

[Gradenmayer]

I don't know about you guys but I feel like I just haven't started the day properly unless I've lopped off chunks of my dick and sacrificed my firstborn to the invisible man in the sky.

But do you deny the fact the west is in crisis due to the lack or religion in their life?

People in Vatican and a lot of other churches still uphold their ancient practice of fucking little kids. Lets not pretend that religion doesn’t spread degeneracy.

No, they do this because church was easiest to infiltrate by pedophiles for centuries due to their social position, authority and accesd to small children.
But that is changing now that Church lost a lot of its previous power, now pedoes go into schools and other such places.

They still go into government positions and churches, just like they always did.

 

[whydoibother]

If you told me this was from some Larian game, I’d never assume you are lying.

I feel like people who only know about Larian from cringe screenshots will get shell-shocked when they see the kind of morbid sadism they are capable of writing. Like in DOS2, the whore punished by binding her soul into an iron maiden torture device, begging men who pass near to enter her, spill their life liquid into her. Like the ghost who was stuck in the world of the living, because he was a pedo and is scared of what will happen if he continues to the other world. Like those "womb of demons" comments randomly from a joke character.

 

[ArchAngel]

I don't know about you guys but I feel like I just haven't started the day properly unless I've lopped off chunks of my dick and sacrificed my firstborn to the invisible man in the sky.

But do you deny the fact the west is in crisis due to the lack or religion in their life?

People in Vatican and a lot of other churches still uphold their ancient practice of fucking little kids. Lets not pretend that religion doesn’t spread degeneracy.

No, they do this because church was easiest to infiltrate by pedophiles for centuries due to their social position, authority and accesd to small children.
But that is changing now that Church lost a lot of its previous power, now pedoes go into schools and other such places.

They still go into government positions and churches, just like they always did.

Sure, but at least now everyone is watching churches and priests more closely after few decades of pedophile actions coming to light.
But my main point was that molesting children has nothing to do with religion (at least not major ones), just with evil humans abusing institutions that will get them easiest access to their targets.

 

[Swen]

Infinitron Fix your fucking site, your server is slow as fck.

 

[AwesomeButton]

No, you see they *could* put in 20 companions and give them a little personality. They chime in now and then, they maybe bicker with other companions who are ideologically opposed, sweet and simple. Then you could also probably find enough non-cringe in the bunch to fill out a party. Unfortunately everyone needs their own special drama, tragic backstory and 80 hours of made-for-tv voice acted dialogue so you're stuck with 8 teen fiction freaks and 2 of the worst characters from the original games.

Yeah, this is me from 100-something pages ago:

How was Jaheira characterized in BG - portrait, text, some voiced lines, selection/command sounds and that was it. That was quite enough to characterize the stereotypical nagging wife. Nowadays every writer strives to make every character into an Oscar-worthy Dostoyevski-grade amalgamation of drama, tragedy, personal issues, romantic aspirations, and whatnot, or at least so it seems to the doofus who wrote that character.

 

[Aphex81]

If you told me this was from some Larian game, I’d never assume you are lying.

I feel like people who only know about Larian from cringe screenshots will get shell-shocked when they see the kind of morbid sadism they are capable of writing. Like in DOS2, the whore punished by binding her soul into an iron maiden torture device, begging men who pass near to enter her, spill their life liquid into her. Like the ghost who was stuck in the world of the living, because he was a pedo and is scared of what will happen if he continues to the other world. Like those "womb of demons" comments randomly from a joke character.

I was very moved by the story of the little posessed girl. Shame it ended so abruptly. I only wanted to protect her...

 

[Swen]

Meanwhile at Owlcuck studios:

Following the latest update, they have just changed the EULA — two years after the release.

Part of it reads:
"Thereby, the User hereby agrees that Owlcat Games has the right to upload software program files to User's Device, that will record CPU, RAM, operating system, video card, sound card, software and application of the other developers, peripherals, geolocation and any other anonymous technical and statistical information from User's computer. The User also agrees that Owlcat shall have the right to transfer the said anonymous information to its subcontractors, performing Game development, and vendors providing services necessary for operation of the Game."
See https://steamcommunity.com/app/1184370/discussions/0/3812910932503792795/

Do these fags even try? WHERE'S MY COMPETITION????!!!

It's lonely at the top guys. And the eternal manlet will probably fail again with his newest bugthesda game....

 

[HammyTheFat]

so you're stuck with 8 teen fiction freaks and 2 of the worst characters from the original games.

Where is my Jan Janson, fuck!!!!

Given larian's fetish for bizarre humor I am surprised they added the boring hag of an elf over Jan.

---

Jan: So Viconia, I suppose you must be a drow, eh?
Viconia: Speak not to your betters, surface slave.
Jan: My brother, Elgar Buttercup, had skin the shade of charcoal, too. Well, technically it WAS charcoal. He died in a nasty fire, you see.
Viconia: You do love the sound of your own voice, don't you gnome?
Jan: My own voice? Heartless wench! Do you not know? I am deaf. I have never heard the sound of my own voice. I read lips... (sob)... only lips...
Viconia: Deaf? Truly? In the Underdark the deaf are killed or used in pain threshold experiments.
Jan: I heard that! In fact, it reminds me of the time I was eaten by an avatar of Lolth. I was stuck inside her stomach with a miserable drow called Biffle Chump for days. Of course, I was forced to eat him. A matter of survival, you understand. Nothing personal. He tasted a bit like chicken.
Viconia: [to Protagonist] How is it that you travel with such a wee buffoon?
Protagonist: Truthfully, it all goes back to the time that Jan's cousin, Plooty Paladin-piper, got caught in a nasty flesh golem eating contest...
Jan: Aye, Plooty had a way of attracting golems. Brilliant, really. You start with a saucer of milk - golems are suckers for milk...
Viconia: I refuse to listen to this.

If you told me this was from some Larian game, I’d never assume you are lying.

Looks like the cringe dialogues in BG3 are actually just a part of being faithful to the original Baldur’s Gate after all.

It can almost entirely be avoided by not taking Jan with you. But why would you do that?


Viconia: Jan. While I would be tempted to let the situation play itself out, perhaps it is best if I warn you now.
Jan: Yeeessss, my dusky little margarita? What warning would that be?
Viconia: You have a venomous spider on your neck. A lovely creature, known to cause an agonizing, blood-curdling death within moments of injecting its nerve poison.
Jan: You know, this reminds me of the time Uncle Scratchy laid me flat with the handle of a horseman's flail. 'Look behind you!', he says. 'Why? What's behind me?', I say. 'A Tiberian Dung Beetle!', he cries, looking frantic. So of course I scream in terror and look behind me... and lost a bag of the most scrumptuous turnips ever to come out of Scornubel. Ma Jansen was furious and the lump was more painful than six weeks with the Calimshite Itch.
Viconia: Oh, look. There it goes down the back of your shirt.
Jan: And then there was that time I took a drow at his word. "Bifflechips,' says I, 'you had better be telling the truth.' And, of course, he swore up and down that he was. Needless to say, not four weeks later I was stewing in the lower intestines of a giant cave wyrm without even so much as a torch or a sense of irony. I would have been a goner if gnomes weren't well known for causing severe bouts of intestinal gas.
Viconia: I wouldn't squirm about so much, you foolish jaluk. You're likely to anger it, and I have no spells that can counteract its particular poison.
Jan: Now, if I had a copper for every time --- eh, wait a second. I feel something... who's behind me? What *is* that back there?
Viconia: Did I not try to tell you? No doubt it is sinking its fangs into your gamey flesh as we speak.
Jan: What? But I -- ouch! AHHHH! AHHHH, NOOOO! I'M TOO YOUNG A GNOME TO DIE!! AHHHHH!! HELP ME, SOMEONE! AN ANTIDOTE, AN ANTIDOTE!! PAIN GIVES ME GAS! AHHHH!! I DON"T WANT TO -- eh? Wait a minute, that's a fly. A dead fly. You mean I ripped off my own shirt for nothing?
Viconia: Ha ha! Sometimes life has its little rewards. Even for the drow.
Jan: You're a cruel, cruel woman, Viconia. Garl help me, but I am so turned on right now.
Viconia: Alright, now I'm leaving.

 

[Reinhardt]

It can almost entirely be avoided by not taking Jan with you. But why would you do that?

giving him to authorities for tax evasion and never looking back feels gud.

 

[Herumor]

Following the latest update, they have just changed the EULA — two years after the release.

And then they backtracked, removed the spyware and changed the EULA back to the original one because of the players' outrage.

 

[Steezus]

Does anyone actually like Haer'Dalis? This cunt just talks all the time.

As I go through more playthroughs I tend to favour Henchmen who just shut up and do what they are supposed to.

Korgan is very based.

I think he's wonderfully written as a smug prick. And Blades are a top-tier class.

I'm sorry but Blades are garbage, you need to read my awesome retrospective on BGII.

Haer'Dalis is like the second best tank in BG2.

Minsc, Anomen, Keldorn, Korgan, are all better. Also, why is a class called "Blade" tanking? And finally, Haer'Dalis is gay.

Jaheira is the only tank that's better than Haer'Dalis, which you didn't even name.

You know, you can just say you're shit an the game

 

[Gradenmayer]

If you told me this was from some Larian game, I’d never assume you are lying.

I feel like people who only know about Larian from cringe screenshots will get shell-shocked when they see the kind of morbid sadism they are capable of writing. Like in DOS2, the whore punished by binding her soul into an iron maiden torture device, begging men who pass near to enter her, spill their life liquid into her. Like the ghost who was stuck in the world of the living, because he was a pedo and is scared of what will happen if he continues to the other world. Like those "womb of demons" comments randomly from a joke character.

The most impactful moment for me was when you walk into demon’s den as Lohse and it shows you one candle per room with stolen soul, that you snuff out to make the demon weaker, only for you to walk into the last room that has hundreds of them.

 

[jaekl]

If you told me this was from some Larian game, I’d never assume you are lying.

I feel like people who only know about Larian from cringe screenshots will get shell-shocked when they see the kind of morbid sadism they are capable of writing. Like in DOS2, the whore punished by binding her soul into an iron maiden torture device, begging men who pass near to enter her, spill their life liquid into her. Like the ghost who was stuck in the world of the living, because he was a pedo and is scared of what will happen if he continues to the other world. Like those "womb of demons" comments randomly from a joke character.

You're telling me that *isn't* cringe writing??

 

[jaekl]

and the the succubus had her boobs popped with a million flaming toothpicks and all the other demons drank the blood milk and peed on the succubus and the succubus was a pedophile and a gay pedophile and she was raped forever. THE END.