Acclimating to the Angry Marines
- A brief account of life with the Angry Marines, and their Reclusiarch, Mofo, as lived by Brother-Sergeant Kollon, Mentor Legion Chapter
I, Brother-Sergeant Kollon, of the Mentor Legion have been attached to the Angry Marine Chapter. In my first week training with our brothers, I had the privilege, of sorts, to encounter none other than their chapter's Reclusiarch, Mofo. After completing the morning firing rights alongside the Angry Marines, I made for closest lavatory to relieve myself before battle practice began. The firing rights, as dictated by the
Codex Astartes, involve squads honing their skills with ranged weaponry. While my fellow Mentor Legionnaires attained perfect accuracy and precision with our bolters and sniper rifles, our less restrained Battle-Brothers spent most of the time missing their targets with the few bolters they had on hand. After expending his ammunition, each marine would charge down the firing lane to smash the pristine target with his bolter, his hands, and anything else within reach. We began to suspect that this non-
Codex treatment of ranged weaponry was the cause of the shortage of bolters in the Angry Marines' armoury aboard the
Litany of Litany's Litany.
I had deactivated and removed the appropriate sections of my power-armor, noticing the raised dais in the center of the lavatory chamber about which all the commodes faced. Many copies of the legendary
Codex Astartes lay upon this dais, and I found it odd that the Angry Marines would partake in the custom of reading while relieving oneself like so many of the Imperium's cultures do. I had just sat down upon one of the commodes along the bulkhead when Reclusiarch Mofo entered the chamber.
He wore his full set of armor, not even having removed his helm. He is larger than the average Space Marine, and carried his signature
Crozius,
Fag-Basher. It is platinum, and shaped like a great fist holding an Imperial Aquila token with the middle finger extended. The Reclusiarch tilted his head slightly in acknowledgment of my presence and sat himself down upon a commode near the one I was seated upon. I quickly expelled the contents of my bowels, and experienced another tortured minute while the Reclusiarch violently did the same with much loud swearing and much oath-making. It was then that I realized that the commode's in this lavatory did not have a bidet function like most toilets of the modern Imperium. I had just turned to ask the Reclusiarch how his Chapter went about cleansing themselves when I saw him reach out to one of the copies of the
Codex Astartes. He opened it, and Emperor preserve us all, he ripped a page out of it and began cleaning his backside with it!
"
This...THIS IS HERESY!!!," I cried.
The Reclusiarch became a blur, a lightning strike of motion. Instantly his crozius was alight in his hand, its power field sending blue energy flicking out from its surface. "
HERESY!!! WHERE!!?? WHERE IS THERE HERESY, YOU MENTOR ASS-STRUMMER!!??," he shouted at max vox amp. He stood there, his head rapidly scanning the entire room for any taint of heresy, with the soiled page of Guilliman's life's work still wedged in his backside. It was the most astonishing sight I have ever seen in my centuries of service. Before my gen-enhanced senses could even register it, he had planted Fag-Basher in the bulkhead just centimeters from my head.
"
DON'T FUCKIN' STARTLE ME LIKE THAT YOU FUCKING SHITBREATHED, CUM-ENCRUSTED, HEMORRHOID!!!!!!" he roared right in my face. Mofo then turned back to his toilet, and angrily finished cleaning himself with the torn codex page. He closed his armor, and ripped Fag-Basher back out of the wall causing me to duck. As he walked through the portal to the lavatory, he turned and shouted, "
BATTLE PRACTICE STARTS IN THREE MINUTES FUCKFACE, SO BREAK IT OFF AND GET A FUCKING MOVE ON!!! IF YOUR LATE, IM GONNA REPLACE ALL OF THIS TOILET PAPER," as he gestured to the copies of the Codex Astartes "
WITH YOUR HANDS!!!"
He then stormed down the hallway, leaving me stunned on the toilet. I looked at the copies of the
Codex Astartes, a holy work written by the Emperor's own loyal son and the basis for everything I have lived my long life for as a Space Marine. I had the choice of defacing the codex, or undergoing the foulest penance I had ever been threatened with. This was only the first week of a decades long deployment with this Chapter!! Had the Emperor abandoned me?
++++++ Thought for the Day:
Heresy must be met with hatred. ++++++
